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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Wedding etiquette

54 replies

Squiff85 · 31/01/2016 20:01

If someone gives you a large amount of money for your wedding, do you think you should you try and include them/ get their opinions too or do you think that it's a gift and it's tough luck, you can do with it as you wish?

OP posts:

MaidOfStars · 31/01/2016 21:16

What level of input do they (assuming it's a set of parents) want?

I'd refuse. If it delays or downsizes the wedding, that's the way it is. Save a bit and have pride in the fact that you dud it yourselves.

Gazelda · 31/01/2016 21:23

I think it would be polite to try to include them, and hear their opinions. Visiting venues with you that you've previously shortlisted, chatting about flowers, showing them the wedding stationery before confirming the order etc. NOT picking the menus, choosing the music, etc.

But that depends on how forceful their characters are - if they are likely to pressurise you to do things 'their way' then start as you mean to go on by thanking them profusely and then cracking on with your own plans.

FunkyPeacock · 31/01/2016 21:25

I can't imagine accepting an £18K contribution to my wedding and not including/consulting the giver in the plans for the day

You don't necessarily have to get their approval for every choice you make but it would be polite to keep them informed of how the plans are going etc

serin · 31/01/2016 21:33

Blimey, for that amount of money we would at least have consulted them on the venue, dates, etc.

I would also have invited them to my dress fitting/ hen night etc.

Surely it would be awful to accept the money and then not include them in this way?

Having said that, we have saved for the DC's weddings and we do not expect to have any input at all, other than we would be horrified if they booked something that we couldn't attend or were not invited to!

ridemesideways · 31/01/2016 21:36

£18K... Hmm. Some givers may feel it's 'their' wedding, some may like to feel included in the plans (with ultimate decision the b&g's), and some may give it away freely with no conditions or expectations. I think if the receivers don't like the givers' approach, they should decline the money.

HeddaGarbled · 31/01/2016 21:38

A generation or so back, the expectation was that the bride's parents paid for the wedding and so had the major say in everything. The bride and groom would be consulted but the mother of the bride would do most of the work and most of the decision making including guest lists, seating plans, menus, choice of florist etc. Bride got to choose her dress and bridesmaids plus a few other things. Groom chose outfits for him and the men in the wedding party, possibly the cars. Bride & groom chose hymns, disco or band for the evening do. Mother of groom sorted guest list for her side of the family. Bride & groom were allowed to add some of their friends to the guest list.

Now most couples pay for their own weddings and make all their own choices. My generation, we were somewhere between the two and a lot would depend on the dynamics between the bride and her mother as to who ruled the roost.

I'm afraid you may in a position where your expectation is of the latest model but the person paying is expecting something more like the earlier model. If you can't compromise, you may have to stump up the dosh yourselves.

edwinbear · 31/01/2016 21:39

My parents paid for our wedding in its entirety, which worked out more than that. I obviously discussed things with them and asked my mum's advice on lots of things because I value her opinion. But ultimately they paid because they wanted to give me the wedding I wanted. We had very similar views on what would work though so there were no problems. They did the same for my sister, who had a very different, but just as beautiful wedding.

OutWithTheDogs · 31/01/2016 21:48

I think it would be normal to want to include someone's opinions if they had given you £18K.

I think you shouldn't accept large amounts of money from people you don't have a good relationship with.

Tartyflette · 31/01/2016 21:52

Well, a generation ago my parents paid for my wedding, but DH and I chose the venue, menu, flowers etc . I chose my dress on my own, DH wore what he wanted, my parents invited who they wanted, as did we. And ditto DH's family. My poor old Dad didn't have much of a say in anything, he just signed the cheques.

ChristmasEvePJs · 31/01/2016 21:52

My parents paid for all our wedding but we shortlisted venues then we all went to see them, showed them ideas for cars etc. We all have similar taste and I would have included them regardless of who paid though.

BlueRaptor · 31/01/2016 21:53

18k is a very large amount and for that I'd definitely be giving them some input.

My parents are contributing around 6k (which we are matching, so half and half) but haven't made any major decisions or been pushy. A few of their long time friends are on the guest list as they asked and are paying for half, but they respect it our decisions, however do expected to be kept in the loop and informed.

upthegardenpath · 31/01/2016 22:04

I find it strange that anyone doing the gifting, whether the amount being gifted is large or small, should want to have a say in any aspect of the wedding, TBH.
Surely you gift money because you are generous in spirit and want to help the future couple - who cares what they choose to spend it on?
Sounds a little controlling, for my liking.

Schwabischeweihnachtskanne · 31/01/2016 22:05

18 thousand pounds is such a lot of money... I guess you have to spend it on the wedding, not a car/ deposit for a house/ year long round the world trip, if its been given to you specifically to pay for a wedding...

Seriously I don't know - you have to acknowledge the enormous size of the contribution by not booking things that you know they would actively dislike, or a venue they would find hard to get to or uncomfortable, and be sensitive to their wishes, if you accept that kind of money...

I imagine the biggest area you would be expected to make concessions is the guest list - you will have to include some guests of the giver's choosing whom you might not have chosen...

I would not expect you to have to take their opinion on the decorations or dress/ clothing of the couple etc. into account or be involved in the minutiae of planning and shopping and booking smaller items.

Its all a bit how long is a piece of string - do they want to dictate the religious content for example? Do they want you to get married in their local place of worship whereas you want a secular venue? That would be grounds to turn down the money rather than have a wedding you will feel uncomfortable looking back on... Or do they just want you to add a few of their friends or aunts, uncles and cousins whom you barely know to the guest list - in which case for 18k you have to suck it up really...

StepAwayFromTheThesaurus · 31/01/2016 22:09

£18k will only pay for the majority of the wedding?

misses the point entirely

Schwabischeweihnachtskanne · 31/01/2016 22:10

upthegarden I think a lot of gifts, of all sorts but especially large sums of money, do come with complicated unstated strings unfortunately - and the worst stings are ones that are assumed to be obvious by the giver but the recipient only becomes aware of after accepting the gift...

Almost no gifts are actually genuinely string free IMO... There is almost always the assumption that the recipient is in some way, tiny or not so tiny, obligated to the giver...

Lynneyx · 31/01/2016 22:12

If either set of parents are giving you a large sum of money for your wedding then I'd say try and make it a fun experience and include them where possible. Sometimes they can surprise you and give you advice or ideas you may not of thought of. I think it's polite but also its a big day for your inlaws too. Ultimately you should always have the last say!!!! I was given a large amount from my parents so made sure I included them in the process, even though I'm very strong willed so probably ended up doing things my way... but now I look back and feel really happy that we were all in it together. At the wedding, in the evening, my parents and my husband and I, all looked at each other and toasted the success of the day- it was an incredible feeling. Our ' wedding meetings' gave me some amazing memories to cherish later on.

WiIdfire · 31/01/2016 23:01

Don't forget it wasn't that long ago that a wedding was the parents' party - they were celebrating their daughters wedding, they chose the guests, they arranged everything. That was how it was for my parents - 70's. You need to establish how they see this.

Fratelli · 31/01/2016 23:20

Maybe it's a pay off so they don't have to be involved

manicinsomniac · 31/01/2016 23:21

The cost of the average wedding in the UK is over £20K so I don't why people are surprised that 18K is only 'the majority'. Sounds broadly average to me.

I would give the giver a very large say for that amount. But then, if I was ever to give someone that money myself, I wouldn't expect a say.

So I don't know!

CallieTorres · 01/02/2016 07:03

The important thing is what input are they actually asking for?

Original poster

Squiff85 · 01/02/2016 07:16

Yes, unfortunately they want a massive, fancy wedding and would rather leave guests/family out than reduce their costs and include everyone - seems mad to me!!

Thanks all.

OP posts:

SouthWesterlyWinds · 01/02/2016 07:28

Ahhh - so it isn't your wedding but you were gauging what everyone else thought? And the person is taking £18k for a huge blow out party but is t actually including all family members and friends within that total?

Have they hired the Beckhams wedding thrones? Because I can't see how they can't afford to include everyone unless they've seriously overspent elsewhere

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 01/02/2016 07:33

I don't think you can give/promise a gift and then add in conditions later. Unless the donor is to be excluded, that might be a deal breaker.

SparklyTinselTits · 01/02/2016 07:45

My mum and dad paid for the majority of our wedding.
Dad suggested our reception venue (which turned out to be perfect anyway!), he chose the entertainment (which again was great and the guy did it for mates rates), and he helped organise all the logistics of the day which kept me totally stress free.
My mum was involved in all the rest of the decision making with me. My DH is a "if you like it, I'll like it" kind of bloke, so just left us to it really!
My parents being involved worked for us, not just because they gifted us the money, but because I couldn't imagine planning my wedding and not having my mum involved in it all
If the person who gave you the money is trying to undermine your preferences and decisions with their own, or trying to sway you towards their ideas then I think you have a bit of a problem. But if they just want to be involved in the planning, without dictating what's what, then I think it's lovely that they care about your special day so much

lanbro · 01/02/2016 07:47

My parents paid for most of our wedding. The only opinion they had was Prosecco over Cava but they were kept involved in all the planning. My parents are lush though and would never have pushed us to do something!

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