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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu to feel uneasy about the lying?

76 replies

KateSpade · 31/01/2016 08:07

I need a MN jury opinion here, please

I've recently got into a new relationship & I found out last night that a few weeks back he met up with his ex gf for a DVDs/food night, he didn't tell me, and lied to me about what he was doing!

He says it was so I wouldn't worry, nothing happened, but is this a huge red flag?

Opinions and WWYD?

I don't care who he sees and I trust him, it's just the lying that I don't like?

Am I being petty to think of ending my relationship over this?

OP posts:

Viviennemary · 31/01/2016 11:39

Well I would be careful before dumping him if you like him and have only known him a short time. As if anyone never tells lies. I used to have a no lie policy but have abandoned it over the last few years. How long had you been going out with him before he met up with his ex. You say a short time. A week six months. I think Beaufort makes a good point. Although I see the MN jury is heavily in favour of ending it all.

Eminado · 31/01/2016 11:45

So Vivienne do you lie to people as well? Since you've "changed your policy"

magoria · 31/01/2016 11:48

He lied about what he was doing so that he could do something else without your knowing about it.

A few weeks in that should be enough to bin him off and maybe consider going and getting yourself checked at an STI clinic.

Nothing wrong with him seeing friends or ex's although that may be a bit strange.

Lying about it. Not good.

expatinscotland · 31/01/2016 11:51

Let's see: there's lying about a parking ticket. And there's lying about meeting up with your ex for an evening. Yeah. It was just a takeaway and a DVD. No sex. Sure.

Viviennemary · 31/01/2016 11:58

I sometimes tell a white lie which I absolutely wouldn't before. Not to DH though. But I don't have plans to meet up with any of my exes any time soon.

AnyFucker · 31/01/2016 12:00

"Be careful" of dumping him ? Why Is a liar such a catch you would overlook it because he has a penis ?

ellebelle27 · 31/01/2016 12:10

vivienne what made you abandon your no lies policy?

Viviennemary · 31/01/2016 12:34

Not one thing in partiuclar. But I think mostly dealing with two faced people and manipulators. I can see why people are advising OP to have no more to do with this man. But we don't know the background. Say OP has only been seeing him for a month or so and he met up with an x is that such a crime that he should have to mention it. I think those long term 'friendships' that people ask about on here are a lot more serious things. Like somebody's DH meeting a female friend for meals out and so on. I wouldn't stand for that.

ellebelle27 · 31/01/2016 12:42

I don't think it's a crime not to mention it, but to actually make up a story to avoid telling her is a different thing. As a pp mentioned, lies by omission aren't great but if you don't ask someone what they were doing on Tuesday night then they are under no obligation to tell you. However, if you say what did you do Tuesday night and they say one thing when they were actually doing another then that is deliberate deception, which unless it involves planning some surprise for the questioner, is usually to make the liar's life easier.

Original poster

KateSpade · 31/01/2016 12:54

It was a kind of 'what you up too tonight' scenario & he said, just chilling out & watching a film. No mention of the ex gf.

He didn't cheat on her, they were good friends before they got together, and then she left him for someone else, she is still with said man & he wants to be friends,

That sounds like I'm sticking up for him & im not by any means, I've had very abusive relationships in the past, I know I don't want to be in a bad relationship, id rather be on my own!

OP posts:

SuperFlyHigh · 31/01/2016 12:57

Vivienne Beaufort told a white lie if anything but her lie involved a brief meeting in a public place for closure. It did not involve OP's boyfriend arranging to meet up with his ex for drinks, takeaway and DVD which is more of a date scenario to me. It is also not in a public place where others can see what's happened but is in a private place where anything could happen and no one would see it and be any the wiser.

It'd be interesting to hear your theories on lying now too and why they've changed over the past few years.

SuperFlyHigh · 31/01/2016 13:02

OP no mention of the ex gf because you know that sounds sketchy right?!

The whole good friends bit I don't buy either. Maybe they were. But no reason to meet up and go round and what's worse lie about it.

I'd be worried here because not only is he meeting his ex gf but in his mind I bet he thinks he can get her back or revenge on her, I don't know - most sane people after being cheated on run a mile from that person friends or not and they certainly don't stay friends afterwards. It looks as if he has problems there in accepting bad behaviour.

Personally it's totally up to you what you choose to do. But you shouldn't let family sway you either. You've seen enough LTB here.

What I do know is that early on in various relationships if I've seen red flags and ignored them I almost 99.9% end up regretting I ignored them. Seriously. Don't be like me in that respect!

ellebelle27 · 31/01/2016 13:11

OP so he deliberately only told you half the story so you wouldn't worry. He decide how you are going to react to something. Doesn't this make you angry. The adult thing to do would have been to tell you he was going to meet his ex and then see how you responded.

Viviennemary · 31/01/2016 13:12

In the end it's up to the OP. I know that if I met an attractive, kind man that I got on with and he told a lie like this I wouldn't be pleased. I'd let it pass. Fair enough if every other person on this thread wouldn't. That's up to them. . But I wouldn't dump somebody for this reason if I'd not known them very long. If these meetups became a regular thing then that's different. And I'd call it a day. Regardless of whether he lied or not. As far as I see he didn't cheat that night. Or did he. Nobody knows.

Eminado · 31/01/2016 13:22

Vivienne for me it's not about the possible cheating.

It's about the telling lies.
If it's all above board why lie?

How can you continue to build a relationship with someone who isn't telling the truth?

expatinscotland · 31/01/2016 13:36

Yeah, the ex h and I were 'good friends', too. In fact, we still are. But we used to have sex whenever we saw each other. Every time. We are now married to other people and he lives in Continental Europe and we don't have sex, obviously. But when we were in the same town and not really serious about someone/with them, you bet we used to have sex.

SuperFlyHigh · 31/01/2016 13:43

Exactly Eminado it's about the lies!

I think like most on this thread that there's more to the story than meets the eye, eg he HAS had sex with his ex. If he told the truth about that (and probably OP would dump him he knows that) then maybe I'd be prepared to hear/accept (hell no,I wouldn't!) his story!

OK a story. I was with a boyfriend for 2 years, we kept rowing on and off. He would ring me late at night after I got home from my own night out "to check I'd got back safely" - I think he was really checking up on me. He was jealous and possessive and there was the odd occasion where a woman would approach him in a club if I wasn't there (yes I know why did I stay with him).

Anyway we broke up for good and then had slanging matches after it (why again?!) and I told him he was too ugly to get anyone else... (Yes cruel and unnecessary) he then admitted to me that whilst we were together and he'd been away for a boys weekend clubbing that he'd met someone and had a ONS - I knew he was telling the truth. He said he hadn't told me at the time because he knew I'd dump him and he didn't want that. This must have been when we'd been together 18 months.

So the above is a perfect example of how someone can lie until they're blue in the face. I had trusted him though. Silly me.

kawliga · 31/01/2016 13:47

As if anyone never tells lies

People who lie, believe that everybody lies. It's a way of feeling ok about the fact that they've decided to be a liar. The whole 'everybody does it' chestnut.

It's ok to not tell your new partner (or even old partner) everywhere you go and to keep some things private. That's different from lying.

It's not ok to cry and beg someone not to leave you when you've known them for six weeks. That's ridiculous. I'd dump him just for the crying.

carabos · 31/01/2016 15:18

I'd dump him just for the crying .
Same here.

nocabbageinmyeye · 31/01/2016 15:28

I third dumping for the crying alone, begging and cryingis needy, after six weeks if you need to start a thread like this then it's definitely not going to last so save yourself the bother

Elsie212 · 31/01/2016 21:44

People lie because they don't want to be inconvenienced by telling the truth.

noddingoff · 31/01/2016 21:58

Um, I think a cosy night in with DVDs and pizza are what you do with a partner. Or maybe a bunch of friends. Or your flatmate. Or flatmate + your partner and/or their partner if either of you are coupled up. Not alone with an ex. I think there are limits to "let's stay friends" and this is beyond the limit. I'm still on "the-odd-like-on-facebook" terms with a couple of my exes but even if we were closer friends and they lived in the same town, there is no way I'd go round to theirs for an evening together to settle down a watch a DVD unless there was a bunch of people there, preferably including DH. Alone with the ex would be just...a bit weird.

DragonsCanHop · 31/01/2016 22:02

The fake tears are manipulative, he lied. It won't get any better than this op.

inlectorecumbit · 31/01/2016 22:04

Sorry OP it would be game over for me-it sounds far to cosy fro my liking and as for the crying FFS

SuperFlyHigh · 31/01/2016 22:30

I'm not sure what I'd say if a man cried about this scenario (I have seen a partner cry don't worry!) I think I too would be disgusted and see crocodile (that's unkind to crocodiles) tears too....

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