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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to feel uneasy about the lying?

76 replies

KateSpade · 31/01/2016 08:07

I need a MN jury opinion here, please

I've recently got into a new relationship & I found out last night that a few weeks back he met up with his ex gf for a DVDs/food night, he didn't tell me, and lied to me about what he was doing!

He says it was so I wouldn't worry, nothing happened, but is this a huge red flag?

Opinions and WWYD?

I don't care who he sees and I trust him, it's just the lying that I don't like?

Am I being petty to think of ending my relationship over this?

OP posts:
MandMand · 31/01/2016 09:17

Just ask yourself how he would react if he found out you had done the same with YOUR ex and then lied to him about it ...

Shakey15000 · 31/01/2016 09:45

And note the fact he managed to make his lying all about you. More than likely sets the scene for you being the excuse going forward.

"Well I only did it because you..."

BlueJug · 31/01/2016 10:05

Depends. Do you really like him? You say you trust him. When you talked about this what did he say (apart from what you have said here)?.

I saw my ex and DP saw his - there were things that needed talking through and in his case ex was a part of a social group. It does not necessarily mean infidelity. All relationships still good, (inc me and DP)

We cannot answer the question - you have to talk about how you feel with him. Discuss your attitude to ex partners together - and honesty.

Exes - especially once kids are involved - are an important factor in any relationship. Whether your attitude is "good terms", "friendly", "zero contact" or "air-brushed from history" depends on the people involved. There is no rule. So talk to him and if it is not what you want or you think he is cheating - fine - end it - but not without really talking it through first.

One of my DPs did cheat with an ex - but then so did I. A messy period in my life and a partnership that was all wrong. It really depends.

LeaLeander · 31/01/2016 10:11

What is "recently got into a new relationship"? If you've had a few dates he is not accountable to you for everything he does on his own time. Has he explicitly agreed to exclusivity?

ellebelle27 · 31/01/2016 10:11

He lied about what he was doing so made a deliberate effort to keep it from you. I would get out now before you are too emotionally invested. I dated a guy once who regularly lied just to make his life easier. I wish I'd finished with him at the first lie.

Also, and I'm not a liar so don't know how the psychology works, I got the impression that because I didn't finish things at the first few lies he felt it was ok to carry on. Over a period of months the lies moved from trivial things like being to busy to meet to whoppers where he tried to play mind games by denying things that he told me things. My personal opinion now is that if someone is prepared to lie to you then they have no respect for you.

Aspergallus · 31/01/2016 10:44

You know trust is something earned not automatically given don't you?

New rel, lied to you already...why exactly do you trust him?

Honestly, just cut your losses now.

Original poster
KateSpade · 31/01/2016 10:53

I mean a recent relationship as in we've been officially BF/gf for about 6 weeks, seeing each other for a month before then.

I trust that he didn't have sex with her, we've spoken about it & he said the night was a bit awkward. I said I would have to think about things & then he started crying & said please don't leave me, ect!
(I'm not painting him in a very good light here at all, I realise)

I found out as I saw the message on his phone, he had asked me to reply to a message he'd received, the phone went off, I unlocked it again & the message was their in the inbox.
He was sat right next to me on the phone,

I don't understand why he would lie, I wouldn't have kicked off, I don't think I would have been happy, but I'd never tell him who he can't see, that's his life.

In all other ways than this, he's perfect, honestly.

My mum & friend have both said leave it, but if it happens again (lies) don't bother staying around!

OP posts:
Original poster
KateSpade · 31/01/2016 10:55

Next to me, he was making a call to the bank, that was meant to be.

OP posts:
LeaLeander · 31/01/2016 10:58

What is "officially "?

Honestly you've known the guy two months? That's practically still a stranger. I would be wtf if someone were expecting to approve / disapprove my social life after being in my life such a short period. Nor would I owe anyone an accounting of how I spent my time or with whom. Why are you so anxious to control what he does when he is not with you?

WickedWax · 31/01/2016 11:02

You've only been seeing the guy a few weeks and he's already deciding what your response will be to a situation, and deciding to avoid/manage that potential response by lying to you.

Dump him.

AnyFucker · 31/01/2016 11:03

Well if you trusted him before do you trust him now ?

Bin.

AnyFucker · 31/01/2016 11:04

The crying after 6 weeks ? Manipulative bullshit.

Bin.

AnyFucker · 31/01/2016 11:04

Blaming his lying on you ?

Bin.

AnyFucker · 31/01/2016 11:05

Do you need any more reasons ?

expatinscotland · 31/01/2016 11:05

Oh, please. You've known him for five minutes and he's already lying. Get rid.

SpinyCrevice · 31/01/2016 11:05

He has lied.
He has minimised. Don't hang around for the rest of the 'script' OP.

expatinscotland · 31/01/2016 11:07

No one is perfect, and your mum and sis are probably where you got your low standards.

OohMavis · 31/01/2016 11:10

You trust that he didn't have sex with her?

Why?

Fratelli · 31/01/2016 11:11

He's manipulative. Find someone better rather than investing any more time.

HighwayDragon1 · 31/01/2016 11:14

Three red flags here

  1. Lying to you
  2. Blaming you for the lie
  3. Crying to manipulate you.

RUN

expatinscotland · 31/01/2016 11:17

I used to get together with my ex-h from time to time. And not a single time was it without sex. Not once. He could have been telling whoever he was with, I knew not, that it was just for a takeaway and a chat/film and awkward. It wasn't at all. We saw each other for an easy shag. We knew each other's bodies well and it was fun and easy.

ImperialBlether · 31/01/2016 11:24

I agree with expat. The night would have ended in sex. His awkwardness was probably when she realised that it was a one night stand.

Fairenuff · 31/01/2016 11:29

Did he cheat on his ex by any chance?

He has lied, cried and minimised. Who wants a man like that?

It's about time he came up against someone who won't take that shit.

Bin.

Eminado · 31/01/2016 11:35

He told you he was doing something else that night?

So an out and out lie, as a supposed to a "lie by omission"? which is supposedly "better" but still shitty to me

Game over for me I'm afraid.

SuperFlyHigh · 31/01/2016 11:38

He is crying more than likely due to guilt over what he's done and the fact he's been found out (sex) and this will only come out sometime in the future if you stay with him. It was awkward probably because he either didn't mean to have sex or he wanted to but also wanted to see you and didn't know how to play it.

I haven't had this so early in a relationship but I have had a major red flag (which I stupidly didn't dump the boyfriend for).

Beaufort I think a couple of drinks in a public place for closure is fine. Totally unnecessary to bring your experience in when it bears no comparison to OP's scenario.

I would so totally LTB and ignore your mum and sister's sound not advice.