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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think my friend's DP is financially screwing her with their holiday?

75 replies

AyeAmarok · 30/01/2016 16:18

Not my business, I know... But she told me and I'm

My friend is a primary teacher, and her BF/DP and her are planning their (first, as a couple) holiday in the summer. As she's a teacher she can only go during school holidays.

Her BF has a more normal job with shifts, fewer weeks of holiday but obviously can be a lot more flexible than her about when he can take them.

Because they want to go on holiday together, they have to go when she is off and it will cost more. So between them they have rationalised that it's fair if she pays the difference between what it would have cost him to go in term time to the same place.

I didn't ask the cost difference as I was struggling to formulate words.

She seems to think it's fair enough, as he'll be a lot more out of pocket because of her. I think WTAF. I doubt it's a difference of 50 quid, probably hundreds (they're going abroad)? She seems to really like him

HIBU, isn't he?

I can't be alone in thinking that this is a VERY unattractive trait? Or is this fair and I'm being harsh?

OP posts:

AcrossthePond55 · 30/01/2016 17:44

Oh, and actually I could bring this up to just about all of my 'inner circle'. We're pretty brutally honest with each other because we know we've got each others' sixes. Sometimes we tell each other to piss off (in the most loving way, of course ), other times we've had a 'Come to Jesus' moment. But if you accept that someone loves you and wants the best for you, then you can forgive a bit of nose-up-in-your-business, IMHO.

Jux · 30/01/2016 17:45

If she were a close friend of mine, I would say something, especially as they're not living together (yet). It would be too late if they'd moved in together, but they haven't. So any putative partner is fair game.

Next time she brings it up, the holiday I mean, you can ask if she's really compensating him for having to go when she goes. You don't have to say much more to make the point, don't labour it.

Cacofonix · 30/01/2016 17:47

This is terrible! And it certainly doesn't bode well for their future relationship. I would bring it up if it was a good friend of mine. So depends how well you know each other. I couldn't let it go - I would have to point our gently that it was a bad precedent. I'm guessing she told you as she wanted another opinion anyway?

AcrossthePond55 · 30/01/2016 17:47

So any putative partner is fair game.

Once again Jux, I like your style!

rookiemere · 30/01/2016 17:47

Ah well if that's what he's like before they go then I imagine the holiday itself should show him up for what he is.

Bill paying time : "Well you ate two more garlic prawns than me, and you had a third glass of wine so your share comes to 10 euros more"
" Tip? Aren't they paid wages. No I'm not going to tip" - pockets share of girlfriends tip as leaving.

Beach: " I don't need an umbrella so you need to pay for it" proceeds to sit under umbrella complaining about sun burn, whilst slathering himself with gfs expensive sun tan lotion.

A week or so of that should put her right. If not then hell mend her.

LeaLeander · 30/01/2016 17:49

Is she desperate for a boyfriend and hence willing to be taken advantage of by a stingy ass? I really can't imagine anyone with a modicum of self-respect agreeing to that.

DigiFox · 30/01/2016 17:57

Wow, that is shocking behaviour.

DH has always paid for our holidays, right from our first weekend away when we'd been dating a few months. He was delighted to be able to treat me.

She needs to look at why she feels it's OK to be treated this way.

queenofthepirates · 30/01/2016 18:30

I dated a man like this once; we went to visit his parents and he asked me for half the petrol money. He bought me a ticket to a ball as a gift then asked for the money when I 'displeased' him. His stinginess took the edge off my love for him quite quickly and we parted ways.

Original poster

AyeAmarok · 30/01/2016 18:37

She and I are quite similar with money attitudes, eg when we go out for dinner or drinks, we sort of take it in turns to pay the whole bill. Sometimes it'll be a more expensive place (eg £60-70 bill for the two of us), sometimes it'll be a cheaper £20 job depending on what we fancy. It's all easy-oosey and neither of us keep tabs on who paid what, when. We often argue over whose turn it is and try and grab the bill off the other to pay it if we lose track (we meet up every few months).

Which is obviously fine for her to do with me because I'm not trying to rip her off But I can see how if she had the same attitude with him she could be taken advantage of. So now I'm a bit worried.

Maybe if she mentions the holiday again I could say something like "I bet he won't actually let you pay for that much more and you'll just split it in half". Then see what she says? If she says he definitely won't then I'll maybe say something that way? Like "it was very kind of you to offer but it would be a bit uncomfortable for him to accept it unless he's a twat "

I have only been with him while out for drinks when we just sort of all did rounds each. Didn't notice anything particularly odd then, seemed nice enough, wasn't a big loud-mouth showy-off type. I thought he seemed nice and normal.

OP posts:

fondationmaeght · 30/01/2016 18:47

That's worrying I hope she sees the light of day soon

AnyFucker · 30/01/2016 18:50

Of course you can say something ! I wouldn't be able to keep my trap shut.

OzzieFem · 30/01/2016 18:54

Whoa. First find out who suggested this. It may have been your BF as she is so keen on him, who brought it up. He being a mm may have just accepted it without thinking. Men can be so dumb at times.

miraclebabyplease · 30/01/2016 18:56

My jaw is on the floor.

DancingDinosaur · 30/01/2016 18:59

He's a tight arse. And this is just the beginning. She should get out!

eastpregnant · 30/01/2016 18:59

This is not something my DH and I would ever have done, as we've always split everything equally. But I often feel like we're the exception rather than the rule. I haven't known any couples in this specific situation, but I have known several couples who seem to come up with similarly convoluted arrangements (to my mind anyway) which don't seem fair to me at all.

So while I completely agreed with you, OP, I'm surprised by the responses to this thread!

roundaboutthetown · 30/01/2016 19:04

I wouldn't like that arrangement - it would make me feel as though my partner would rather holiday without me!

Ididnthearanything · 30/01/2016 19:20

Total and utter dick.

I think I'd try and say something to her. Don't know what. Maybe I'd say something like 'gosh what an expensive holiday for you, does he realise how much it's costing you'? Or isn't he very fortunate you chose to go with him since he's so reluctant to pay full price. Or would you just cop on and send the mean shit on his way.

I wonder is she insisting on paying?

MultishirkingAgain · 30/01/2016 19:37

WTF? He's being completely unreasonable. Who would do this? he should call him on this. Loads of people (not just teachers) can only go on holidays in "holiday time" ie July or August.

kawliga · 30/01/2016 19:42

A week or so of that should put her right. If not then hell mend her.

This. I don't think you can say anything really, but just be a good friend and be ready to commiserate when it all goes tits up. Be there for her when she gets back from her holiday with the tight-wad. Saying nothing may be better so she can feel able to confide in you when her eyes pop open in shock and awe as they surely will. If you say something now she may just get defensive. Don't worry, somebody this unreasonable is bound to show his true colours before long.

BolshierAryaStark · 30/01/2016 19:44

He sounds awful & a fucking tight arsed twat, I would have to say something.

GreenShadow · 30/01/2016 19:48

Going against the majority here, but I don't necessarily see it as being wrong (after all as has been stated, we don't know their financial situation).

If it was the only way he could afford to go, and she really wants to go, then why not?

Back before we got married, my DH offered to pay for me to go on holiday with him and a group of friends as I couldn't afford it and he wanted me to go. I didn't accept (it wasn't the sort of holiday I was desperate to go on anyway) as I just couldn't accept it, but he genuinely wanted to pay for me.

grannytomine · 30/01/2016 19:49

Well if you don't know what his salary is it might be he can't afford it. I know you "think" its similar but you might not be right.

Foxsox · 30/01/2016 19:51

He's a dick
She wants to get rid
Asap

grannytomine · 30/01/2016 19:54

DigiFox why do you think it was ok for your husband to always pay for holidays but it is so awful for the OPs friend to pay towards her boyfriend's holiday. Seems a bit sexist to me, do you think you are tight, money grabbing or whatever?

expatinscotland · 30/01/2016 19:55

I'd bring up holidays as point of conversation and then talk to her.

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