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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my friend's DP is financially screwing her with their holiday?

75 replies

AyeAmarok · 30/01/2016 16:18

Not my business, I know... But she told me and I'm Shock

My friend is a primary teacher, and her BF/DP and her are planning their (first, as a couple) holiday in the summer. As she's a teacher she can only go during school holidays.

Her BF has a more normal job with shifts, fewer weeks of holiday but obviously can be a lot more flexible than her about when he can take them.

Because they want to go on holiday together, they have to go when she is off and it will cost more. So between them they have rationalised that it's fair if she pays the difference between what it would have cost him to go in term time to the same place.

I didn't ask the cost difference as I was struggling to formulate words.

She seems to think it's fair enough, as he'll be a lot more out of pocket because of her. I think WTAF. I doubt it's a difference of 50 quid, probably hundreds (they're going abroad)? She seems to really like him Sad

HIBU, isn't he?

I can't be alone in thinking that this is a VERY unattractive trait? Or is this fair and I'm being harsh?

OP posts:
WhoTheFuckIsSimon · 30/01/2016 16:46

But what if he just can't afford a school,holiday holiday? Mjust because he has an ok salary doesn't mean he can afford it. You have no idea what his outgoings are.

On the other hand he could be being tight.

Like a previous poster said it really depends how they came to the agreement. Him saying he can't afford it and can't go and she offering is ok. Him demanding she pays the extra very not ok.

serin · 30/01/2016 16:48

Your friend needs to grow a pair.

She sounds quite naïve and vulnerable.

Original poster
AyeAmarok · 30/01/2016 16:54

The place they are going to is where he suggested going (I think he's either been before or has wanted to go for a while).

She really like the idea of going there too so they agreed to go there.

I agree, I don't know his financial situation so maybe I'm being harsh. But if I was him, I'd rather go somewhere cheaper or for less time and split the cost in half, than feel like my DP had to pay a financial penalty for not having the luxury of flexible holidays!

OP posts:
MaisyMooMoo · 30/01/2016 16:57

And if they stay together and have children will he blame it on the kids that they can only go away during school holidays and make them pay Hmm

redexpat · 30/01/2016 16:57

If he wants to avoid paying for more expensive holidays, he shouldnt be dating a teacher.

Valentine2 · 30/01/2016 17:00

What a prick. Tell him to sod off.

Original poster
AyeAmarok · 30/01/2016 17:02

Maisy he'll probably make her pay for them!

But seriously, once this precedent is set, is she going to have to pay the difference for every holiday they have together if they end up getting married? I worry once you've done it once, it would be harder to change the rules in future to share it.

OP posts:
clam · 30/01/2016 17:05

Not to mention that if he's quibbling about money and "fairness" to this degree when they're just boyfriend/girlfriend, God help her later on when she's trapped with him and has kids.

Trills · 30/01/2016 17:05

That is not a man I would move in with or ever share finances with or have a baby with.

If one partner earns more than the other, they could OFFER to pay more so that the two of them can go on a nice holiday.

This is not that kind of situation.

FinallyHere · 30/01/2016 17:06

Oh dear.

If only she would see it as the warning it very likely is.

Casperthefriendlyspook · 30/01/2016 17:09

I've been on both sides of this situation and it's never once crossed my mind to suggest/implement this arrangement!

Years ago, I worked in a school (non teaching) and was limited to school holidays. My then boyfriend was in his final year as a student and could have gone earlier in the summer - and despite him earning less than me, we went halfers on a cheap fortnight in Corfu in July. I think I may have paid for a couple days car hire as I was a bit better off...

Now the position is the other way round and DP is a teacher. We go in the school holidays - as a family, which is what is important to us - and I certainly don't make him pay more!!

Run, run from this mean sounding man.

NorbertDentressangle · 30/01/2016 17:15

What a tight arse.

I bet if they go out for a meal together he pulls out a calculator when they get the bill and works it out right down to how many olives she had from the shared appetizer.

LovelyFriend · 30/01/2016 17:21

this sounds really horrible.
She will rue the day she agreed to this ridiculous arrangement.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 30/01/2016 17:21

Ugh. He sounds horrible.

ImperialBlether · 30/01/2016 17:22

I was just going to say that, Norbert!

Do they split the bill if they go out? If so is it 50-50 or does she have to pay more if her meal costs more? Who buys drinks? How does that work out?

MaisyMooMoo · 30/01/2016 17:24

It would be a red flag for me, I couldn't date a guy like that, I'd be off.

Original poster
AyeAmarok · 30/01/2016 17:26

I can't say anything though, can I? As it's absolutely none of my business. And it may be that he's struggling financially and it wouldn't be right for her to feel like she had to share that with me to justify it.

I need to keep it zipped unless she brings it up. Or if they break up, let rip then

Or should I say something?

OP posts:
LindyHemming · 30/01/2016 17:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ovenchips · 30/01/2016 17:26

Christ, if they have similar incomes that is incredibly tight then. Angry

Does he tot up his share of a bill if they eat out and make sure she pays for the coffee she had and he didn't? Because if he's doing that about holidays I bet he is doing it in other ways too.

gaddafiduck · 30/01/2016 17:26

Ugh no, not good. He sounds like an entitled prick to even consider this.

Unfortunately its unlikely you'll be able to point out how wrong this is to her without alienating her, unless she directly asks your opinion on it. Having been down the financially (and emotionally etc) abusive relationship path, I know just how hard it is to see events like this as wrong, but it sets a bad precedent that will set the tone for the relationship going forward. There are myriad different ways of arranging finances in relationships, but none of the 'good' ones I've seen consisted of one person having to effectively pay the other to go on holiday with them.

His reaction to her suggesting the split it 50/50 should tell her alot. If its anything other than 'of course', she really should consider binning him.

YellowTulips · 30/01/2016 17:26

Big red flag - in neon and flashing....

If you are a "partner" you suck up all the pros and cons.

This will be a guy who counts the bill at a restaurant to the penny no doubt but forgets to contribute to all the supermarket bills when they eat at home.

I'd ask your friend to give an example where he has offered to pay over the odds when a financial situation worked to his advantage? Bet it's never.

Your friend should run for the wind (making sure she has the purse with her).

Potatoface2 · 30/01/2016 17:36

gawd...it wont be long until hes moved in with her and shes on here moaning about a cocklodger!

AcrossthePond55 · 30/01/2016 17:41

Her decision, of course, but I think she's setting a really bad precedent. Unless of course it's going to work both ways and he ponies up the diff if he want to do something more expensive than she wants to.

If this is the first time it's happened, I think I'd adopt a 'wait and see' attitude. But if it happened twice on a 'big ticket' item or if I knew of a few 'minor' incidences (restaurant bills, groceries, petrol) I think I'd have a 'gentle' talk with my friend.

But if she tells you she's OK with it, then you've said your piece and need to just keep schtum.

SpartaCarcass · 30/01/2016 17:41

I would say to her that you've been thinking about what you said. Then tell her you think it brings up lots of red flags.
Explain why and say it's a dangerous precedent to set. Suggest she goes and talks to him again about it or at least looks at other aspects of his behaviour to see if they match with that.
I'm totally shocked they both think this is acceptable. Maybe she told you to test the water to see if you were shocked too. When you weren't (overly) maybe she thought it wasn't a big thing and should suck it up?

pasturesgreen · 30/01/2016 17:43

Sweet Jesus! Now I've heard everything Shock

I'd run for the hills if I was her!