I'd really appreciate some views here ladies. I'm really upset about an admittedly minor incident last night and I would like a few impartial views on whether I have over-reacted.
I work four days a week. DD (13 months) is looked after by my mother for two of those days and a lovely nanny for the other two. I always do 'drop off' (i.e. wait for Mum or our nanny to arrive at 8am) whilst DP leaves earlier. We both have an hour's commute and we both do similar jobs (lawyers). We share the 'pick ups' (i.e. being back by 7-7.30pm to relieve Mum or nanny). Last night was DP's turn and I was meant to being going out to dinner with friends. As it happens, I had work to do and DD has been a bit poorly so I wanted to tuck her in, so I came home earlier. I didn't tell DP as it was a bit of a last minute decision and in any case, he was due to do pick up. I get home at 7.15 and our nanny says 'oh you must have spoken to DP as he has just rung to say he will be back at 9pm'. It turns out that DP was in the pub and has had a few drinks (he did dry January so he sounded tipsy).
I was mortified as our nanny's contractual hours are 8am-7.30pm. She will stay longer for emergencies (i.e. train problems or unforeseen issues at work) or pre-booked babysitting but she isn't on call to stay later.
DP's view is that a couple of hours doesn't hurt, as we often arrive earlier, which means she can leave earlier. We were also away last Friday, which meant she had the day off. I didn't count this as part of her annual leave, as she was available to work that day, it is just that we didn't need childcare. DP came home steaming drunk at 11pm and we had a row.
I feel he has been really unkind and unthoughtful, as well as a bit deceitful (for not telling me that he was going out). He says that my reaction is completely over the top. I feel strongly that our nanny is not at our beck and call: by 7.30pm she has done nearly 12 hours and it is time for her to go home and have her dinner. I am so teary by his conduct: I really thought he was a kinder, better person that that.
Extra details to avoid drip feeding:
- DP is going out tonight and tomorrow night (planned for a long time) for 'big nights out' so he really didn't deserve an impromptu session. I, on the other hand, haven't had a night out in ages.
- This is quite out of character for him: he has always taken his pick up duties seriously and has only been late twice (by fifteen minutes).
- He isn't a nurturing type, but he normally is not this lacking in thoughtfulness. That said, his mother worked and they always had au pairs; he rather takes it for granted that we have help in the home (shirts ironed, cleaner, I buy all the food and organise the house).
- He drinks a fair bit on nights out, which alters his character (or rather a more unpleasant side comes out - but never abusive etc). His boys' nights out can get messy.
Sorry for the length of this...but I feel let down and I can't really speak to my friends about this. Our nanny is kind, hard working and deserves to be treated nicely I would like to keep this relationship for years to come, as the level and continuity of care benefit DD. DP and I are due to get married later this year but I feel rather blue about the whole thing...feel like I have made my bed and now I have to lie in it.