AIBU to have expected DP to come home in time?

[CampariSpritz]

I'd really appreciate some views here ladies. I'm really upset about an admittedly minor incident last night and I would like a few impartial views on whether I have over-reacted.

I work four days a week. DD (13 months) is looked after by my mother for two of those days and a lovely nanny for the other two. I always do 'drop off' (i.e. wait for Mum or our nanny to arrive at 8am) whilst DP leaves earlier. We both have an hour's commute and we both do similar jobs (lawyers). We share the 'pick ups' (i.e. being back by 7-7.30pm to relieve Mum or nanny). Last night was DP's turn and I was meant to being going out to dinner with friends. As it happens, I had work to do and DD has been a bit poorly so I wanted to tuck her in, so I came home earlier. I didn't tell DP as it was a bit of a last minute decision and in any case, he was due to do pick up. I get home at 7.15 and our nanny says 'oh you must have spoken to DP as he has just rung to say he will be back at 9pm'. It turns out that DP was in the pub and has had a few drinks (he did dry January so he sounded tipsy).

I was mortified as our nanny's contractual hours are 8am-7.30pm. She will stay longer for emergencies (i.e. train problems or unforeseen issues at work) or pre-booked babysitting but she isn't on call to stay later.

DP's view is that a couple of hours doesn't hurt, as we often arrive earlier, which means she can leave earlier. We were also away last Friday, which meant she had the day off. I didn't count this as part of her annual leave, as she was available to work that day, it is just that we didn't need childcare. DP came home steaming drunk at 11pm and we had a row.

I feel he has been really unkind and unthoughtful, as well as a bit deceitful (for not telling me that he was going out). He says that my reaction is completely over the top. I feel strongly that our nanny is not at our beck and call: by 7.30pm she has done nearly 12 hours and it is time for her to go home and have her dinner. I am so teary by his conduct: I really thought he was a kinder, better person that that.

Extra details to avoid drip feeding:

• DP is going out tonight and tomorrow night (planned for a long time) for 'big nights out' so he really didn't deserve an impromptu session. I, on the other hand, haven't had a night out in ages.
• This is quite out of character for him: he has always taken his pick up duties seriously and has only been late twice (by fifteen minutes).
• He isn't a nurturing type, but he normally is not this lacking in thoughtfulness. That said, his mother worked and they always had au pairs; he rather takes it for granted that we have help in the home (shirts ironed, cleaner, I buy all the food and organise the house).
• He drinks a fair bit on nights out, which alters his character (or rather a more unpleasant side comes out - but never abusive etc). His boys' nights out can get messy.

Sorry for the length of this...but I feel let down and I can't really speak to my friends about this. Our nanny is kind, hard working and deserves to be treated nicely I would like to keep this relationship for years to come, as the level and continuity of care benefit DD. DP and I are due to get married later this year but I feel rather blue about the whole thing...feel like I have made my bed and now I have to lie in it.

If I did this to my nanny she would resign and I would be fucked

He sounds like he can't handle his drink. That would be a big issue for me. If I 'got messy' on the sauce I'd not drink at all.

Yes, I didn't get a lot further than 'he's done dry January' . Aren't we still in January? This doesn't sound like someone I could live with, but it's up to you, OP. Maybe this is a good reality check. It's most likely to get even worse (you being 'the woman who organises everything in the home, him being thoughtless and 'getting messy', staying out late, more and more frequently on nights out).

I would be annoyed, he should have gone home, I would nip this in the bud so that he doesn't think that Nanny days are fair game to go out.

My DH did the same thing, if I was out he would tell the Nanny that he had to work late or that the train was delayed so he could go for a drink. The one night I have had away he got the Nanny to do the nursery collection so that he could go out and he couldn't see why I was upset.

The nanny quit. cited loads of these incidents that I wasn't aware of, the Nanny thought that I had known.

He needs a reality check. Good Nanny's are hard to find and very important to the stability of your family. He's an employer and thats not how you treat an employee (I'm a lawyer too as is my husband and I know law firms can be crap for doing this sort of thing to their staff so maybe he has had the best employer-employee role models but it doesnt take Einstein to fathom out things out).
You have not over reacted and he's been a prat.
I'd give him a very hard time over this and lay down some ground rules. (not that you should have to, sigh, but it seems you do).
We only have one babysitter - my DD has some special needs and its hard to find someone she likes - and I make sure that we stick to the arrangements we've made no matter what (unless its out of my hands). I figure I need her more than she needs me!

Tbh I don't really know why he phoned the nanny to say he would be back at nine?

He didn't know OP was at home did he?

So to all intents & purposes he was prepared to arrive home pissed at 11 & be responsible for a poorly daughter!

Twat!

Also love the thought that because you let the nanny early she should/could stay outside of her contracted hours.

I'm guessing that he's not in employment law!

I'm assuming he knew the op was at home as she phoned him so knew he would not then be in sole charge of a child as she was now in charge.

I'm confused as to whether she missed her night out though.

And yes it depends if it was (1) can the nanny stay on or (2) too must stay on.

Also dry January is the whole month. Not until you decide to stop!

Notice the difference: one parent has a night out but still wants to pop home to put child to bed as they are poorly. The other parent is due home with child but chooses to go to the pub instead, and will also not be home with the child for the next two nights either.

Your poor nanny, that kind of disrespect and she will walk

I'm guessing OP might have phoned him, hence why 11 not 9?

I think OP had already cancelled her night out but not told him.

In fact when he first phoned the nanny, I was wondering whether he was hoping that he'd have a quick night out & OP wouldn't even find out?

He was totally unreasonable, as the nanny has a life too. Your nanny is basically a proxy parent due to you both concentrating on your careers and social lives, and if the nanny leaves due to being mistreated then your children will have lost the secure and loving presence that they need to have happy childhoods.

I do feel a bit sorry for your children. Having two working parents is a necessity in many cases, but to have children and work SO many hours and then go on nights out regularly seems like it was a bit pointless to have children. Still, if you keep your nanny happy and she stays, then your children won't know any different and will just see the nanny in the same way that most children see their parents. If you have a rapid turnover of nannies, then I don't think that's a good thing for the children.

harshbuttrue1980

Whao, what an extreme thing to say. OP is home three days a week and has not had a night out in ages.

You sound lovely OP and with the right values in this world. Have you checked how your partner asked the nanny about the overtime?

Yep he was in the wrong especially as dd not well. I blame dry january, the booze went straight to his head.

That's pretty shitty of him tbh.
So what if nanny is left off a couple of hours early on random occasions, it's not as if she can suddenly make plans to visit friends or family, or spend time in a productive way that she'd like.
How come he was assuming that you didn't have to work late: he didn't think to mention it to you that he was going on a bender (first of several in a row )
Doesn't seem like he's committed to "dry January", doesn't show any respect to your nanny nor any consideration to you or your poorly little girl. He's a tit.

Awful behaviour on his part
He's already going out this weekend too as you said
Very disrespectful to the nanny and I don't get the not wanting to see your kids but prefer to go to the pub given long hours you both work.
He would have a rude awakening if this were me

Wonders how often its happened? And you haven't known?

So he's done 'dry January' and yet he's gone out drinking on 28th Jan and is going again on 29th and 30th. Not really a committment kind of guy is he.

I think on the info given, what he did last night is totally unacceptable - I would never had treated my nanny like that, which is probably why she stayed for the 4 1/2 years I needed her for.

I would suggest having words with your DP when he is sober enough and not hungover about why what he did was not acceptable. I would also be talking to him about his drinking habits and why this needs to change now he is a father!

What happened about your night out? Had you already made the decision not to go and communicated this to your DP? Is that why he didn't turn up until 11pm? And if so, in that communication, did you have a row about the fact he had not turned up at the due time and he therefore decided "sod you" and stay out even later than he had originally told the nanny? If that is the case then I would be seriously re-considering my decision to marry this man.

Over and above the fact that he was bloody rude to the nanny what kind of state would he have been in when he rocked home to his poorly 13 month old at 9pm?

Atenco, I don't think its extreme. The OP and her partner both work very long hours, and then come home and want to go on nights out. Most working mums come home after a day at work and want to have family time.

I also said that I didn't think this was harmful to the children if they have a constant person who is there to look after them through their childhood. If this is a nanny, then so be it. I think that parents who don't spare much time for their children have a duty to treat their nannies like gold so that the children have someone stable in their lives.

He sounds like an over privileged twit, tbh.

harshbuttrue I think the op said earlier that this was meant to be quite a rare night out for her. Which I think every mum, whether full time, part time or stay at home, is entitled to every now and then. I work long days part time too and I love the time I spend at home with dd, but the part of me that was an adult before dd was born occasionally needs an outing too. That adult was the one that fell in love with my dh, had experiences together that shaped us both as adults, and decided to get married and to have children with him. If that person disappears completely then everything our family was built on changes unrecognisably. You're judging the op's entire life choice, not an apparently isolated example of bad behaviour by her dp.

Op you've already been told yanbu, but I'll say it again. It's so hard to get a good balance and it takes both partners to commit to it equally or else it gets a whole lot harder. I hope your dp realises that as this is just a one off.

OP only works four days and for HALF of that time the child is looked after by her granny ffs.

Sorry - that should say I hope he realises this and this is just a one off.

The consensus of nannies is

that if you're running late you call as soon as you know ie ... if you have to leave the office at 5 and you're there at 5.05 then that's when you call and say you're running late NOT at 5.59 when the nanny is about to leave.

that if you know at midday that you may be late you call your nanny to ask if she'd mind staying on and not assume she is happy too

that you call not text as it can easily slip through in the mayhem of tea time and also it's easy not to be guilt ed if your sending a text/email

that letting a nanny leave 10 minutes early one day means that she should be okay to stay 10 minutes late the next because you fancy a beer/coffee/stroll rather than come home

We are flexible, we love the kids bit at the end of the day a 12 hour day looking after children is long ... I know bosses think we'll they're at the park/napping etc and I'm in business meetings so I'm working harder but we all work hard we all deserve decency from our employers.

that as much as your nanny loves your kids she doesn't want to be their parent and put her plans second to them.

that unlike an office you can't turn off the light and leave a note on the door saying back in 5. We are totally reliant on our bosses to relieve us.

It will be employers tardiness and lack of respect which will lose families their nannies not much else.

Thank you all for comments.
I wasn't very clear in my original post: I didn't cancel my night out because of him. DD was poorly yesterday and I also needed to work from home after DD's bedtime so I cancelled, but hadn't got round to telling DP. I suspect he thought that I wouldn't find out, as he intended to be back before me. I only found out because I came home early. So disrespectful to our nanny (he wouldn't have ordered her to stay, but she would hardly walk out and leave DD so she didn't really have an option, plus he rang at 7pm, an hour away, when she is meant to finish at 7pm - not exactly a real choice) and deceitful to me. I asked her if this had happened before and she said he was half an hour late once due to the trains. I'll pay her the overtime and I will be discussing this with him when he hasn't had a drink. He wouldn't pull this crap with my Mum, so he shouldn't do it with our nanny.
Sigh.
Thanks all & night night.