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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About this family drama...

60 replies

Valentine2 · 28/01/2016 20:01

This will probably out me to a couple or two people here but what the hell. I am fuming right now and came for some sane words. Sorry for the long story.
So me and DH are from not so well off families and have worked really really hard over the last few years. On top of that, DH has been helping (before our marriage and after that too) his extended family whenever he could, bring up the excuse of having been there himself once. This runs into a minimum of 15-20k and could possibly be more. His father does not work though his wife does some part time and we pay part of their rent (we don't own any property anywhere and rent ourselves since we are together). DH is also awful with money and I am the one who keeps the heck now and he totally agrees I should. So no problems there.
Now it has come to the point that the said relatives have actually been under the impression that we will be paying towards the tutoring of a few kids (even the fecking number keeps increasing). If it was for even a loan, I could probably consider but it's asked as a bloody HANDOUT!! We have two DCs ourselves. FIL caused a havoc some years ago which meant DH had to bail him out and we are still paying for that and will pay for three more years. We are trying our best to get on the property ladder right now. No holidays, no paid outings for DCs. Clothes and food absolutely basic. We have no chance of inheritance from anyone ever.
But one phone call and DH becomes convinced others need the savings more than us. I am sick and tired of this. I am not working right and I have contributed towards helping the relatives but I am so over it now. AIBU? Should I be more thoughtful? I am planning to cut the contact right down to one phone call per few months now to any of them. and absolutely no handouts!

OP posts:
ridemesideways · 28/01/2016 20:04

YANBU. What pisstakers! Make sure DH won't back down too.

ExtraBlessings · 28/01/2016 20:06

YANBU. Not at all. Your DH could vastly cut the financial help to his relatives and he'd still be a mega-generous relative. It sounds like everyone has got used to asking him.

AyeAmarok · 28/01/2016 20:06

I think your DH needs therapy Sad

YADNBU.

You need to look after your children. Bot your PIL, and not other family member's children.

Why don't you suggest FIL gets a job.

ridemesideways · 28/01/2016 20:06

Why do you have to pay for your fil's 'havoc' for 3 years? Are you sure none of this has affected your own credit rating or debt to income ratio?

cozietoesie · 28/01/2016 20:10

Give them nothing. And put any savings somewhere only you can access them.

Gobbolino6 · 28/01/2016 20:11

Are these relatives incapable of working?

originalmavis · 28/01/2016 20:13

Get the savings put in your name. You are the gatekeeper. They can't ride this gravy train anyore.

ridemesideways · 28/01/2016 20:14

If you're trying to get on the property ladder, a mortgage company may want to see your bank statements with all outgoings. They can go through it with a fine toothed comb and any regular amount being paid off for your FIL's benefit will negatively affect the amount you can borrow, plus he may be deemed your dependant.

fondationmaeght · 28/01/2016 20:15

Sounds really unfair

Soooosie · 28/01/2016 20:15

Put the savings in your name and tell DH you're all skint

figureofspeech · 28/01/2016 20:17

Start locking away money in a 90 day notice deposit account or a premium bonds account. The money isn't easily available for your dh to access.

You don't have to answer this q if you'd rather not but are you from a none European culture? This kind of behaviour is quite common in Asian / African families. Helping relatives is all well & good but a lot of people become greedy & entitled rather than deserving of the help.

Tell your dh that if you are going to pay for tutoring then you might as well pay for your own dc. Your dh needs to realise that your own family come first & then everyone else.

Original poster
Valentine2 · 28/01/2016 20:23

Thanks everyone! It's making me feel good that at least I am not being the wicked witch.
Ridemesideways: it did. Massively. Nearly broke my marriage because DH was under so much pressure. That's when he started seeing the real them I think. We could have bought five years ago.
gobblin: oh that's another thread. I did feel it was going to come to this so I offered (when I married DH) to help pay for vocational courses or even completion of degree so they could support their own kids in a couple years from there on. The studies would have taken hardly a year or so. But nope. That was too hard to do.
My FIL works I suspect. I just think he is not telling us right now. Its finally beginning to dawn on DH.

OP posts:
Original poster
Valentine2 · 28/01/2016 20:29

Figureofspeech: yes you nailed it. And thanks so much for the tip. I am just checking what to do to get that one now.

OP posts:
ridemesideways · 28/01/2016 20:29

In the words of Nan - what a facking liberty!

Shakey15000 · 28/01/2016 20:30

Ye Gads. Move your savings so only you have access so your DH isn't tempted. Tell them you developed a huge addiction to online bingo and the coffers are empty.

bakeoffcake · 28/01/2016 20:31

Get the savings put into an account which is in your name only.

Original poster
Valentine2 · 28/01/2016 20:32

Ridemesideways:lol. Yeah. I had my higher education all paid up by others and did jobs to survive. So I totally get it. But I wrote a bloody contract for that money as it was all a loan. Paid back that too.

OP posts:
Original poster
Valentine2 · 28/01/2016 20:34

DH knows we are just at the edge of entering generation rent because it's now or never (it kills me to even think of it!). So he is totally getting my paranoia.

OP posts:
zzzzz · 28/01/2016 20:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bakingaddict · 28/01/2016 20:36

The problem is your DH's ability to say no. You need to keep him away from money so he doesn't have any opportunity to give more away. What a pity you could have made yourself more secure as a family by buying a house 5 years ago. You need to get your DH to you and the kids as his number one priority rather than being a saviour to his relatives

bakingaddict · 28/01/2016 20:37

To see you it should read

shazzarooney99 · 28/01/2016 20:40

I am sorry but you oh is wrong, the family are basically taking the mick out of you both.

ohtheholidays · 28/01/2016 20:43

YANBU but his family are,I think like another poster said therapy sounds like it would be a really good idea for your husband.

You need to put a stop to all of this now OP,you and your DH need to put your own family first and think about your children before anyone else.

It's awful that your children are going without holidays and paid outings yet your expected to pay for tutoring for someone else's children.

Your DH needs to start thinking about how this could affect your DH's relationships with his own children when they're older,I honestly think it would be very unusual for your children to grow up and not feel at least some resentment.Because from the outside it would look like other family members needs and the needs of they're children were put above the needs of your children and you.

Whatever the havoc was that your FIL caused OP I would not carry on paying it of for the next 3 years.Honestly there is plenty of help out there,your FIL and his wife could go and speak to someone at the CAB,they could help them sort out they're debts and a replayment plan,they could make sure they're getting any benefits they're entitled to.Is there a reason your FIL isn't working?If he's ill or disabled the CAB could help make sure he gets any help including financial help that he's entitled to.If he can work and he's just not then he'll have to start looking.

Tweetypie100 · 28/01/2016 20:45

I'm sorry, what a hard situ. Have you actually sat him down and talked to him about your concerns? I'm sure you have but you didn't mention.

Maybe you can draft a budget for how much it would take to put your kids through uni, to buy a house, etc. Show him it - bring to light how much you guys need for yourselves, and your family unit. I'm sure he knows, but this way it's all highlighted.

goddessofsmallthings · 28/01/2016 20:45

I agree with mavis and it would be a good idea to get your savings ringfenced so that they cannot be accessed without notice.

Tell your dh that, with the exception of a mortage, in future your family unit's motto is 'neither a lender or a borrower be'. If his family persist in trying to take the urine I suggest you tot up what they've extracted from you over the years and ask for their proposals for repayment.