About this family drama...

[Valentine2]

This will probably out me to a couple or two people here but what the hell. I am fuming right now and came for some sane words. Sorry for the long story.
So me and DH are from not so well off families and have worked really really hard over the last few years. On top of that, DH has been helping (before our marriage and after that too) his extended family whenever he could, bring up the excuse of having been there himself once. This runs into a minimum of 15-20k and could possibly be more. His father does not work though his wife does some part time and we pay part of their rent (we don't own any property anywhere and rent ourselves since we are together). DH is also awful with money and I am the one who keeps the heck now and he totally agrees I should. So no problems there.
Now it has come to the point that the said relatives have actually been under the impression that we will be paying towards the tutoring of a few kids (even the fecking number keeps increasing). If it was for even a loan, I could probably consider but it's asked as a bloody HANDOUT!! We have two DCs ourselves. FIL caused a havoc some years ago which meant DH had to bail him out and we are still paying for that and will pay for three more years. We are trying our best to get on the property ladder right now. No holidays, no paid outings for DCs. Clothes and food absolutely basic. We have no chance of inheritance from anyone ever.
But one phone call and DH becomes convinced others need the savings more than us. I am sick and tired of this. I am not working right and I have contributed towards helping the relatives but I am so over it now. AIBU? Should I be more thoughtful? I am planning to cut the contact right down to one phone call per few months now to any of them. and absolutely no handouts!

Zzzzz: it had reached nearly 20% of his salary when I put my foot down finally and told him he had to choose or I quit. It's 10% roughly right now and please don't ask me about the FIL mess because it makes my eyes wet. Sat down with him and wrote every single penny and made him get life insurance etc.then set a monthly deposit towards education of DCs. I basically now write every single bill now. I am still here with him just because he basically handed over the reigns to me and said he was terribly sorry. Now the poor bloke is working a six day week mostly. To make the house dream true quicker.
DCs are not in nursery yet and even if I work full time, it won't add anything.but I am now thinking of going to work in few months time so at least I put my foot back in again.

Sorry for the spelling error. Wanted to write "water", not "wet"!

People like them will bleed you dry and if you're ever on your uppers you won't see them for dust a penny from them.

Keep a tight hold on the reins and harden your heart to their pleas and blandishments or your savings will disappear at the speed of light

There's absolutely nothing wrong with helping family out.

But keeping them because they won't keep themselves?

Absolutely not!

Ohtheholidays: thanks for the suggestions. Writing them down. Point is I suspect FIL is working but since we live in southeast UK, it's hard to catch him at IT. Plus I also suspect he still won't pay back anything even if we catch him at it. So I just want to give them all the middle finger now. And focus on my own career and my household.
Paying for the next three years is essential because DH took out a massive loan to cover that fuck up and did not tell me. FIL has nothing (I suspect his par get has but she is never going to divulge any such info ever). Of course that destroyed our credit rating too. When he knew the maths was not adding, he finally told me and that's when I told him I was about to quit.

www.moneysavingexpert.com/banking/

Oh no, what a betrayal! Well done for turning this around. Hope you can draw a firm line under it and move on with your lives more positively

Your welcome,God that's awful that they've put you all in such a tight spot with money for your own family.

Were in the SE as wellI'm guessing your Inlaws are not in the UK?If that's the case then it might be worth you and your husband speaking to the CAB yourselves they might have some ideas about how you can get your credit rating looking healthier quicker.

Outheholidays: we are in London. Paying tooth and nail to live near good schools. Not all are in UK. The ones here are pretty north. That's also sends mixed signals I think. Like "oh if you guys can afford London......"! Urrghhh

Stop the 10% and put it towards house buying. Tell DH you have given lots of cash but now need to put his family unit first

'Oo you can afford to live in London' should be met with 'it's so expensive. If only we lived in a cheaper area like yours, we'd be laughing'

They can't stop the 10% - it's a loan in their (or at least DH's) name. Unless they ask FIL for the money, or take him to court for it.

Taking him to court is just not an option and although I was almost tempted to cut him off entirely, DH literally begged me not to consider that because FIL raised him alone (DH's mother died when he was very young). That's what's keeping my hands off of him.

Soooosie: thanks for the line. I think it will be lost on them though.

Yanbu, you have to look after you and yours first. Dh has to learn to say no, feck off piss takers .

I think there are massive cultural issues here.

A good family friend married into an Arab family. Her husband was the eldest brother. Over the first 10 years of her marriage, she discovered that they were expected to pay for university fees (as an overseas student, so very high) for her dh's younger brothers.

The fees bled them dry. She had assumed that this would at some point be reciprocated. Especially as the younger brother is now a consultant earning massively good money. But no, not only have they not supported her or her daughters when they were struggling, but they actually never learnt to manage money and constantly live in debt despite high salaries.

This was the expected norm for his culture. He was not happy with it, but couldn't go against it without destroying their family relationships. It was his role as big brother. And it didn't matter that they were put through hardship to do it, that was the older brothers role.

I don't think you are unreasonable, I would feel the same way as you, but for your dh, they pressure is huge and it may result in the end of his family relationships, which he will struggle with.

Steppemum: thank a lot for that story. Made me feel better that at least DH fully accepts it's all wrong and has agreed to all my conditions for rectifying it.

YANBU. Stop paying the 10% if you can't get out of funding fil debt for the next three years class that cost as all the assistance they're getting. Im all for helping out family but NOT at the detriment of your family.
As others have said get all savings somewhere only you can access them.
It won't matter to dh's family if you bankrupt yourself they'll always want more.

Good luck to you its a horrid situation you find yourself in.

As I've read through this topic my initial reaction was the same as most of you, that it's selfish and unfair of the family to act in this way.

I then realised I'm doing exactly the same thing with my Mum and have for a decade. I'm 34 and since my first business took off at 23 I've - as you do I thought - spoiled my dear Mum who hasn't had a great life and we struggled terribly growing up.

I've finally seen sense this last few years, I'm 37+4 - unplanned, lone parent - but embracing this amazing new chapter...

As part of my journey through pregnancy I've finally started to be more shrewd and taken a closer look at my day to day outgoings. I bought the lovely home Mum lives in - it was a really special moment actually as we were homeless quite a lot growing up and without the security of a base we could call home long term. I've paid everything for the last 6 years, mortgage, bills, private healthcare, new car, holidays, a caravan (which we love!) monthly spends for helping me around the house cleaning... A month ago I had the dreaded chat and after tense words, we agreed Mum would take over the mortgage and bills in July when she finishes a 5 year fixed saver... (The mortgage is less than £300 around 1/3 of the rentable value of the property - a total winner for her.)

Since then I'm becoming more conflicted, probably in denial as it's the last person I want to disappointed by - she's slipped in the word "tight" to describe me and mentioned on repeat the tems she is going to have to now pay. Recently lent money from me until she received an amount and I had to remind her to pay it back grrrrr!!

I'm dreading the future of this - when she finally takes these bills back I can only see mess ahead, she's awful with money. I've had ex boyfriends be forced to pay bailiffs who were about to evict us, bailed her out loads - even after the transfer of key bills I'll be spending 10% of my designated salary on healthcare and a weekly cleaning job at mine...

Phew didn't expect to write this but maybe some feedback on such a sensitive subject that seems to be on repeat in my mind causing me to really worry will help?

I'm new to MN hope I've not hijacked a post or anything, this hit a nerve hah!

YANBU!!!!! You and your dh are being taken advantage of! I think it is wise that you are in charge of the finances and your dh needs to understand how to say no to his extended family. Posters above have very good advice. I hope you can resolve this. They are basically deciding what you and dh are doing with your own money and they think it's supposed to go to them. No way.

I would be considering the logistics of amiably divorcing your husband along the line and letting him pay maintenance and look after the children a lot of the time.

You need seperate finances and seperate living arrangements. You need to be able to see your salary adding up and know it is all for your own future.

Years of work from yourself could go down the drain if DH has a momenf of weakness again

(I doubt he's going to grow a backbone now, you'll be here again in a few years time).

If you went back to work now, there is a good chance you would basically be a slave to your DH's family working for no benefit for yourself.

If you and DH end up buying a house (and in the SE I know that's no mean feat!) and work overtime and cut down on your standard of living, at some point "family members" will be asking you to act as guarantor so they can default on their rent and put the debt on you and your house.

Once they know you have a house, the begging will get worse.

If your children have seperate bedrooms, you will be asked to take in four other children because you "have the room" (and their parents can't be arsed to look after them).

They will look up your house price value online and assume you "have the cash" and they are entitled to it.

Newmamatobe: you seem stuck to me. Sorry if that's too blunt. I mean you live together ( hope I got that bit right) . I can't think of what would I be going through if my FIL was under the same roof as us. But I think for you I can say that starting by bringing everything in writing will be the first step. I mean write each and every expense of the house, see how much you can afford to pay and then tell her what you think she should be paying and why. I told DH that he is horrible with money so he won't get to make decisions anymore. End of. Thankfully he understood it and is sticking to it. I hope your mum will see it too. But open and candid discussion is essential. Good luck

Newmamatobe
If I've understood-you've been supporting your mum and buying hsr a house to live in?

Really decent of you... I do wonder - is all this in your name? The last thing yoh want is your mum defaulting on mortgages etx if you do hand over the payments to her.

It does sound that you neex to keep control over this-as she has provrd herself to be useless around money...

A pal for many years helped her dad out-he never had any money for essential bills... In the end she worked out the onlu way to safelt help him was essentially buy a housr that hr rented for a peppercorn rent... At least that way she still had a safe spending of her money without tje continued worry that he would default..

God that's rough Valentine2. For both you and your DH. Thank god he has the sense to know when he has no sense IYSWIM. That amount of pressure is abusive.

Could you say to FIL that you are struggling with the repayment on the loan for previous fuck-up...that you can't even think about any financial help other than those repayments until loan is paid off. Then take the remaining 3 years left on the loan to really get across the message that really there will be no more?

Hi,

Sleepless nights with bump!

Correct I bought the house Mum lives in with my brother, all in my name and intended as a pension for myself/future investment for DD.

That is my plan for July, hand over the payment of the mortgage through a "rent" function, with mortgage DD still being paid by me..

I just hope it all happens and doesn't cause more worry really, maybe it's more about me "letting go" and being ok with handing a few things back to Mum..

It would be a sad day to be arguing about this stuff after the arrival of this precious one we are all over the moon.

Prob also scary to hand back reigns to Mum as I'm a lone parent and don't want her to distance from me as need her right now...

#deep!!