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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

punishment

33 replies

Racmactac · 28/01/2016 19:50

DS10 and his brother DS8 were fighting, I told them to stop and DS10 got hurt, nothing serious.
DS10 then went and attempted to destroy a present that DS8 had for Xmas - a fairly expensive and much loved one.

I am furious and have grounded him for a week and told him he cannot do his sport on sunday. I have now text the coach in charge of the group who has said that he wont have enough players for team.

So AIBU to stick to punishment or would you allow him to go for sake of team?

OP posts:
cuntycowfacemonkey · 28/01/2016 19:52

I would stick to the punishment

goodnightdarthvader1 · 28/01/2016 19:54

Stick to it.

Norest · 28/01/2016 19:54

What punishment did you give DS8 for hurting his brother?

I would probably let him play if it was me and extend the grounding to a further day on the other side of the match.

Original poster
Racmactac · 28/01/2016 19:59

it was a bit of rough and tumble that they were both at fault for. They were both told off so not punished DS8.

OP posts:
rosewithoutthorns · 28/01/2016 20:00

I think you've gone in too heavy but you've said it now so you have to stick to it.

TheCatsMeow · 28/01/2016 20:02

I think you've been too harsh and very unfair not to punish DS8.

Griphook · 28/01/2016 20:04

No I think you should let him play, and take his sins out his pocket money, or change his punishment

AlwaysHopeful1 · 28/01/2016 20:04

You were not harsh in not punishing your 8yo. If they were both fighting they had an equal chance of one of them getting hurt or both of them. It would have ended at that.
Your 10yo then went and spitefully damaged something, he should be punished for that.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 28/01/2016 20:04

Don't ever issue a punishment which will impact on others! It's not fair on them! You are letting down the coach and team mates.

Always use more personal punishments, no ps4, no phone, bed at 7.00 or whatever. Never something that will affect other people - no playing sport (affects the team), no going to Sam's birthday party (affects Sam) etc

Norest · 28/01/2016 20:05

I don't agree that you have to stick to your word re punishments etc no matter what. I think it can be just as healthy for children to see a more measured approach if there has been an overreaction (not necessarily saying with regards to this particular situation), or that a parent is willing to compromise.

TheCatsMeow · 28/01/2016 20:08

I agree with the post above, it's just as important for a child to see an apology for an overreaction

MagicalMrsMistoffelees · 28/01/2016 20:14

It's tempting to use 'no football' as a punishment as it's the most important thing to our son and the one thing he really cares about missing! But we never do as it lets the team down, especially this close to the game.

It's also not fair that only the 10 year old got into trouble when they were both arguing.

If it were my son I'd be saying, 'you were wrong to break your brother's toy but it isn't fair that your whole team is punished for it. Therefore you can play your game.'

Then give him some jobs around the house to earn some money to pay for a new whatever he broke for his brother.

MagicalMrsMistoffelees · 28/01/2016 20:16

Sorry just read he attempted to break the toy rather than actually broke it.

NickiFury · 28/01/2016 20:19

I don't really agree with you've gone in too hard but have to stick to it view. I think it really doesn't hurt for your kids to see you fess up when you got it wrong. I think the stopping him playing his sport is a punishment for everyone involved in it, which is hardly fair. That's what I would say to him and then come up with something else.

BertieBotts · 28/01/2016 20:30

I think he should play. That's a responsibility that he took on and he didn't know that misbehaviour might lead to loss of it. I think that with something like that you have to be all in or all out. So if it's bad enough for him to lose his place on the team entirely, then fair enough (but I think probably not in this instance.)

Let him know that you've reconsidered and spoken to the coach and that you were seeing football as just a fun activity, but actually it's a responsibility to the coach and his teammates, and being in trouble doesn't get you out of your responsibilities. So he can play. BUT that it doesn't mean he gets away without punishment, and instead of missing football, he will have to (do a chore, pay a fine from pocket money, go to bed early, be grounded for an extra day, or whatever you think is appropriate.)

I also think that the 8yo should be punished even if it's just token. It's so infuriating for the older one when the younger one never seems to be. And you've given quite a big one to the older one!

NotMeNotYouNotAnyone · 28/01/2016 20:42

I think yabu to not punish the 8 year old, even if not as severely. As an often bitter older sibling that would have festered for me.

Yanbu to explain that after speaking to the coach and realising it will impact the team, you will let him play, but that his behaviour has consequences that could affect others in ways he doesn't think about at the time, like if you'd stuck to your guns.

I very much agree that kids need to know adults make mistakes and overreact sometimes, it's not backing down or being weak, in this case, it's making a considered decision when calm instead of when annoyed that they've been fighting.

Original poster
Racmactac · 28/01/2016 20:44

thanks everyone, I have taken it all on board.

DS8 does get punished but it was such a minor incident, I was just trying to explain what led up to DS10 trying to destroy his toy. He did actually put marks in it.

I just saw red because it was such a nasty malicious thing to do in response to something so minor.

OP posts:
bimandbam · 28/01/2016 20:45

Why should the 8yo be punished? He didn't go and break a toy. That is what the 10yo is being punished for not the rough and tumble.

I would give the 10 yo a choice. Miss football on sunday or have another few days grounding.

dejarderoncar · 28/01/2016 20:55

I can't believe that any organised sports team does not have reserve players in case of injury either before or during the game. In fact I think there are rules regarding this. Otherwise it's just a kickabout. The coach is exaggerating, just doesn't want to lose one of his better players. The team is not being punished, Stick to what you first decided or he will realise that with you no does not mean no.

Original poster
Racmactac · 28/01/2016 21:01

2 of the other players are injured - hence tight on numbers.
Coach has said he completely understands and its my call

OP posts:
Dreamonastar · 28/01/2016 21:04

I always back out of the things I threaten. No harm done.

dejarderoncar · 28/01/2016 21:19

yet

Dreamonastar · 28/01/2016 21:43

It would do more harm to insist on overly draconian and over the top punishments issued in a moment of annoyance.

AuditAngel · 28/01/2016 21:49

I often get mine to choose their own ounishments. They are often more harsh than I would be. If I don't think have hit the mark hard enough, I ask them to try again (but rarely happens)

I say this as someone's whose husband and 11 yo had a screaming row and I refused to sanction DH's decision to withdraw DS from a West End show. I agreed to no iPhone, no iPad, no TV no computer (except for homework). A week later, he has only once asked for the iPad, but has the phone (only because I needed to be able yo contact him)

WonderingAspie · 28/01/2016 21:55

dream, I knew a parent like that. Never stuck to a punishment in her life. Constantly threatened and never did it, or started the punishment then let them off. Her children were brats, horrible teenagers and grew up to be very entitled self involved adults. Not an effective way to parent tbh.

OP, I'd say because it impacts on the rest of the team, he will be allowed to play as you didn't think it through in the heat of the moment but instead he will loose X (something that only affects him).

If I think I have been too harsh and hasty, I will tell the DCs I was wrong and ott. I try to think of suitable consequences that I know I can carry out and stick to.

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