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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is this reasonable (regarding miscarriage and other people's babies)

54 replies

Plateofcrumbs · 28/01/2016 17:11

OK there is loads of backstory to this but I just want to try to get a measure on this one particular issue in isolation.

Family member and his DW have one child. We are not very close (backstory!) but have sporadic contact mostly via email and occasional call.

They experienced a miscarriage whilst TTC their second child. My DH and I have a DS who was 6 months at time this happened (their own first child was 1). Family member asked that we did not send updates or pictures about our DS as it was upsetting for his DW. I complied and figured I would wait until I was asked about DS again before I offered anything up. This was about a year ago and I have not been asked about him once since and contact has been minimal.

I understand they could have had further losses in that time and people grieve in their own way and in their own time.

When I write it down like that it seems obvious I am BU. But because of the backstory I can't help feeling it was a convenient excuse to cut contact with us.

It would feel more understandable if they were TTC their first, or we had a newborn. But we are now both parents to toddlers, and it seems strange to not be able to share that experience.

I don't know, it's a sad situation all round.

OP posts:

Original poster

Plateofcrumbs · 28/01/2016 19:04

Sorry - should have been clearer - by not close I meant we aren't currently in regular contact, but we are close relations (siblings).

OP posts:

AyeAmarok · 28/01/2016 19:06

I'm afraid I don't understand, could you clarify?

When you were asked to not send any emails or pictures of your DS, did you decide not to send them anything? Not even a "How, how are you"?

Or do you mean you're still in contact with them sporadically as you were before, bit they haven't once asked you to talk about your DS and you feel like he is still a banned topic?

Original poster

Plateofcrumbs · 28/01/2016 19:16

The latter, ayeamarok - I'm sure he has been mentioned a little in passing but I don't give updates about him specifically and don't send photos. We got a Christmas present for him so it isn't as though they deny he exists or anything.

OP posts:

lljkk · 28/01/2016 19:24

Life is long & hopefully your relative will be ready for regular contact again, one day.

Dumdedumdedum · 28/01/2016 19:27

I had a late miscarriage of my first child. I burst into tears when my husband told me that some friends were pregnant (I knew they had already terminated one pregnancy) and kept out of their way till a while after their baby was born. Meeting them was difficult for me until I was pregnant again.
I am still quietly pissed off that I had another miscarriage after my one lovely child was born and am the parent of an only. I try to look at it positively, knowing that others can't conceive or carry to term ever, so I am very lucky. But I still yearn for those other babies I lost. There is a space in my heart where they belong.

AyeAmarok · 28/01/2016 19:28

Ah, so you're still in contact with them, they just haven't asked for specific DS updates, but there is mention of DS in the contact so it's not like they're pretending he doesn't exist. They just haven't asked for pictures or lots of "he did X, Y, and Z today"?

In that case, YABU, I think.

Original poster

Plateofcrumbs · 28/01/2016 19:34

Actually I tell a lie, they have had one photo of him - we had Christmas cards printed for friends and family using some of DS's "artwork" which had a little picture of him on the back.

I did agonise a bit over sending it to them but in the end thought it was absurd to buy them a DS-free card.

OP posts:

AnguishedTangerine · 28/01/2016 19:52

It sounds like things were a bit difficult anyway and whether that dynamic comes from them as individuals/a couple/ their relationship with you it doesn't matter. At tougher times most people don't magically rise to the occasion we all become a bit less reliant, a bit more arsey and whatever dynamics get magnified.

Web hAve a problematic dynamic between us and some relatives and after their loss they banned us from contacting them, in fact we were deinvited from MILS super fancy 65 birthday celebration because they wouldn't see us. PILS ended up emotionally blackmailed into this and other stuff they resented. SIL had always been controlling and manipulative and just took these traits to extreme, it damaged her relationship with everyone a bit more.

If people behave in difficult or hurtful ways you protect yourself and stay open to anything positive, some of our children and their cousins get on well which is lovely. It's beyond weird that this SIL hasn't spoken to us ( or her other sister) for years unless it's a social occasion and there are observers! We don't care either way, really it wasn't about their loss it was just the same old shit. That sounds awful but I can be sympathetic to the circumstances and unsympathetic to the previous and subsequent shit.

So maybe it is an excuse for your relatives it was for mine, that's sad too though and still about not coping. DH misses the relationships that could have been, maybe the next generation will do better. I would just see what time brings and try to be kind but not overly invested.

CwtchMeQuick · 28/01/2016 20:02

Whilst you may not understand, you do need to accept their wishes.
As a pp said, the grief hits in the most unexpected of ways.
For example, one of my friends is pregnant and whilst I'm dealing okayish with it, I know if another friend got pregnant it would destroy me and I'd find it really difficult to be around her.
It's probably not anything against you. Grief doesn't always make sense. Perhaps if one of the couple is your sibling you should broach the subject? I think I would if it was one of my brothers or sisters.

Original poster

Plateofcrumbs · 28/01/2016 20:38

Yes that all sounds painfully familiar tangerine

for everyone who has experienced losses, and thank you for sharing your stories.

OP posts:

Sparkie7 · 28/01/2016 21:25

I can completely understand why you are hurt, OP, given that you each have a child almost the same age (the 6 month age gap will seem smaller, the more time that passes) who are cousins (is that right?). It's a shame you can't share experiences/ have the kids get to know each other.

WonderingAspie · 28/01/2016 21:37

So your brother isn't bothering with his nephew because his wife had a miscarriage a year ago. That is pretty shitty tbh. I think I'd cut my losses and move on. They know where you are. Some family are just shit tbh.

coconutpie · 28/01/2016 22:06

Agree with WonderingAspie - your brother won't have anything to do with his own nephew because his wife had a mc a year ago? That is pretty fucking crap on his part. Having a mc doesn't give you a free card to not even acknowledge your own nephew.

WorraLiberty · 28/01/2016 22:18

The OP hasn't said her brother isn't acknowledging his nephew. In fact she said he's mentioned him in passing and sent a Christmas present.

What they don't want is updates/photos and to 'share toddler experiences'.

Perhaps they've just forgotten to give the 'green light' again, or perhaps they're just genuinely into baby talk etc.

See even this I find a tiny bit OTT (but each to their own obviously)...

we had Christmas cards printed for friends and family using some of DS's "artwork" which had a little picture of him on the back. I did agonise a bit over sending it to them but in the end thought it was absurd to buy them a DS-free card.

Some people are all consumed by having a baby and others just really aren't.

Horses for courses.

AyeAmarok · 28/01/2016 23:04

Agree with Worra, I couldn't get the words right but that's exactly what I was trying to say!

Marynary · 28/01/2016 23:08

I had three miscarriages after my first child and I do find their reaction when they had a miscarriage a bit odd considering that your child wasn't a newborn and they had a child who wasn't much older. I doubt that they want to avoid contact with your child now he is 18 months though. Perhaps there isn't much contact for some other reason.

Primaryteach87 · 28/01/2016 23:14

Yabu

-I didn't go to a wedding because it was around what would have been my due date
-I didn't visit my friend after she had her baby for 6 weeks (we were due at the same time). Incidentally she was lovely about it and she hugged me when I sobbed after holding her baby for the first time.
-I distanced myself from pregnant friends because I was too emotional to cope with it.

I had recurrent miscarriages and this was my way of coping. Like your family member I was always honest about why, and true, good friends allowed me the space. I was very grateful and my distancing didn't mean I didn't care about them anymore.

Original poster

Plateofcrumbs · 28/01/2016 23:20

That's probably the most PFB thing I've ever done worra

I'm not really a document-every-nappy-change-on-Facebook person. I'd sent my brother a few newborn pics and then only one every month or two after that with a couple of lines of news. Plus a similar number (3-4) were on Facebook that he would have been able to see if he was looking. So he's seen no more than 10 photos of him.

He's got a photo sharing thing set up for family and friends with hundreds of photos of his DS so it's hardly been a one-sided bombardment from me.

OP posts:

maddening · 28/01/2016 23:32

I would go in with a breezy - crikey how tims flies - we were thinking of going to xyz and wondered if you guys would like to meet up - ds would love to meet his cousin and I'm sure they'd have so much fun being so close in age - sort of message - I had a miscarriage and yes, at first and before I had ds it was hard but after a while you can't shut out the world and pretend procreation doesn't happen - and time is a healer ime - so I reckon try approaching them without dwelling on the reasons for the lack of contact etc and see if they're ready

WorraLiberty · 28/01/2016 23:35

Ahh that's fair enough if they're into the same sort of thing then.

I realise I'm projecting but a couple of friends of mine just seemed to lose their whole identity completely when they had kids.

They were all they ever wanted to talk about. I just wanted to get the 'hows baby?' 'Fine, how's your baby?' 'Fine' out of the way, so we could go back to talking about normal adult things

Luckily there was no such thing as FB then and the internet hadn't really taken off, otherwise I would have burst a blood vessel

fassbendersmistress · 29/01/2016 00:09

You think their miscarriage was a convenient excuse to cut contact with you?

I'm speechless.
Have had 2 mc's in the last 9 months and I've heard it all now. I bet you also told them 'it wasn't meant to be'....

Seriously, they are better off without you. Leave them alone.

TooMuchOfEverything · 29/01/2016 00:23

My brother and I have 2 DC each. I don't think we have ever sent each other pictures of them though. No offence to any of the kids but they're not that interesting. They all just look like kids. I just keep in touch with my brother in the same way that I did pre-kids TBH. Ie, not very often but we know we can call on each other if shit happens.

Original poster

Plateofcrumbs · 29/01/2016 09:33

Sorry for your losses fassbendersmistress

I really don't want to go over the backstory but there is a heap of past experience colouring my judgement, so the point of the AIBU? was to get some perspective.

Even just writing the opening post made me realise how I was BU. This has helped me put aside the baggage and think about the DW as another woman who has gone through something terrible.

OP posts:

CottonSock · 29/01/2016 09:40

I don't think you are bu. It seems strange to me. I have suffered recurrent miscarriages and would not cut my nephew out of my life like that. I did tell my sil I didnt want to talk baby things once, but to cut out totally seems unkind.

SweetSuz · 29/01/2016 09:42

I think its highly likely they have still been TTC and either not got pregnant, have had further losses or are very early days of pregnancy hence why zero contact. This process for any couple becomes all consuming and friends can often fall by the wayside as your only focus is conceiving a healthy baby. I can only imagine the pain of a MC but I'm sure Id probably retreat away from people with young babies/anyone really while healing as well as having the nightmare that is continuing to TTC while everyone knows you clearly were/are TTC and feel more pressure. I'm sure if and when they do conceive/have a healthy pregnancy and baby, they would be back in touch.

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