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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be feeling like this about my baby's injury? Upsetting

46 replies

TutuEarly · 27/01/2016 19:45

I want to talk about it but I don't want to, if that makes sense?

My baby had a severe hand injury - elder child accidentally closed her finger in the door and it's looking like the baby will part of 1 or 2 of the fingers.

We are watching and waiting for the extent of the injuries to 'declare' according to the plastic surgeon.

I'm at home basically waiting for the fingers to drop off. My baby is so beautiful but I feel so squeamish about this. I can't look at it, it's bandaged at the minute. The hospital made me wash her hand today as I'm clearly not dealing with it. I feel so useless as a mother and support for my child. Dh was there too, thankfully.

People are, naturally, asking me about my child and I can't talk about it without getting upset.

People want to tell me about someone they know who did wonderful things without fingers, hands etc and they mean well. I know it could be worse but I'm really grieving for the perfection that my baby was. Still is perfect but slightly less so.

I'm not being strong here, I'll come to terms with it.

Just to give detail the accident was just a spur of the moment, happened in blink of an eye thing. Nobody's fault.

I'm so sad about it.

OP posts:
Disastronaut · 27/01/2016 19:50

I'm so sorry you're going through this. It sounds so sad and painful for you. You will be strong and deal with it and get through it, but right now the shock and squeamishness are completely natural. As you said, your baby is still perfect. Thanks

Dixiechickonhols · 27/01/2016 19:51

What an awful shock for you all. It is bound to be so upsetting to you now. Be kind to yourself.

Can I recommend Reach.org.uk.

My DD was born without her left arm below elbow and is a member. They also have an active facebook page and local groups which can provide a lot of support and reassurance.

RubbleBubble00 · 27/01/2016 19:51

it's a process and you will get there, grieve and then accept. Really important you show older do lots of love and affection too as I imagine they feel awful.

chinam · 27/01/2016 19:52

Of course you're sad. You poor thing, you've had a terrible shock. How is your older child dealing with the accident?

Dixiechickonhols · 27/01/2016 19:52

Sorry should have said Reach are a charity for children with upper limb differences.

Ineedtimeoff · 27/01/2016 19:53

It sounds like you're still in shock. Take it easy, day by day and you will get there. Babies and small children are so resilient Flowers

Libitina · 27/01/2016 19:54

What you are feeling atm is perfectly natural. It will pass and you will deal with whatever the outcome will be for your baby. Flowers

Topsy34 · 27/01/2016 19:55

I don't think you need to be strong, i think its ok to feel as you are. Your maternal instinct has kicked in and you need to protect her.

I dont think yabu not wanting to look, its probably not a pretty sight right now

Hope elder child is ok?

EponasWildDaughter · 27/01/2016 19:55

Totally understandable to find it hard to look at your poor baby's fingers OP Flowers

What a horrible shock. Allow yourself and expect to feel very fragile about this for a while. Very natural reaction.

Wishing for the very best outcome for her hand xx

itsnotterrysitsmine · 27/01/2016 19:58

Massive hugs being sent your way. The watching, waiting & not knowing must be awful for you all.

As you said she's still perfect, no matter what, but you need to give yourselves time. Flowers

madwomanbackintheattic · 27/01/2016 20:02

Denial is all part of the shock and grief. It's fine. But best to grit your teeth and move through this (perfectly natural) phase as quickly as you can.

When dd1 was born and kept asphyxiating on her own saliva, I would leave scbu until they had finished suctioning and opened her airway again so that she could breathe.

It will be fine. But head up and get on with the rest of your life. Sometimes bad things happen to good people, and we need to deal with them. You will feel better when you take some control (like contacting Reach etc).

There are quite a few mners with children with upper limb differences. There will be plenty of practical support and advice.

Sandbrook · 27/01/2016 20:06

What a shock for you both. Your poor baby. Be kind to yourself x

DamnCommandments · 27/01/2016 20:07

I think this will pass. My perfect baby picked up some facial scarring (and plastic surgery) in a freak nursery accident aged one. I couldn't look at her for a week. But it got better. At 7 I don't notice, and neither does she. Hugs for you. It's awful isn't it.

1pink4blue · 27/01/2016 20:08

When my ds was 14 months old he was mauled by a dog.,he has scars to his face and buttocks I was devestated, I could not look at his scars for a while I took down photos of him because I kept saying he doesn't look like that anymore.I was in shock and felt totally responsible but it was an accident.
It will be 2 years in a couple of weeks and it does get better the scars will heal and yes your babys hand won't be the same again but it will be alright children are tough little things and your baby will be alright

Original poster
TutuEarly · 27/01/2016 20:18

Thank you, I'm trying to keep perspective. I know it could be so much worse but I think I still am in shock.

My eldest child 2.11 is fine, he knows his sister has a sore hand but I don't think he is even aware why or how it happened.

I'll look up the website.

Wonder how I could find the mumsnetters mentioned?

I really appreciate the support. I guess I just need people to tell me she will be ok.

OP posts:
IceBeing · 27/01/2016 20:19

It is fine to talk, fine not too...and definitely fine to get really upset while talking about it.

be gentle with yourself and your DH and older child. Everyone will be reeling for a while.

It is good that you already feel this was a straight up accident and no ones fault.

Idefix · 27/01/2016 20:25

Poor you tutu, what a dreadful shock this must have been for all of you.

As others have said your reaction is both understandable and normal. How is your older dc coping with this? It can feel very lonely when facing inquisitive enquiries, having to repeat the story over and over.

You are not alone. Dd suffered a severe scald injury to her arm when she was nearly 3 yrs old. She too had a very obvious bandage, her wound and dressing changes were horrible. But with time we were able to come to terms with the accident and move forward as a family. Now the scars are part of what makes my dd herself and she is at 15 completely at ease with them.

Your darling baby is still every bit as beautiful as they always have been Flowers

misdee · 27/01/2016 20:28

I'm so sorry your baby is injured and you are going through this :( sounds awful. Flowers

StarlingMurmuration · 27/01/2016 20:38

It's really shocking and awful for you but you will deal with it like the strong mummy you are. My DS was born with a deformed thumb, they don't know why or what effect it'll have when he's older, or really what the problem is at this point because he's only tiny, we call it his special fin like in Finding Nemo.

beautifulgirls · 27/01/2016 21:07

DD3 is missing half her right foot, amputated after severe sepsis with complications. We have had every emotion with it. What I can say more than four years on is that thankfully she was young enough that there are no memories of the terrible time and emotion we all went through. She just learned to adapt because she didn't think about it, she just did whawt was instinctive to her at the time and learned to walk all over again - she was 19 months old at that time. A friend of a friend who grew up without a foot got in touch and advised me that as she grew up her parents never treated her differently and encouraged or even expected her to do everything kids of the same age were doing. It was tough for her at times but she says as an adult she so very much appreciates that she was treated that way and she does not allow it to hold her back in life. Of course I am understanding with my DD but I will try my best to not make an issue for her because of my fears or worries. That is a lot easier to consider down the line but I couldn't even begin to focus on her future ability at the start but instead saw only negatives.

It will get easier, you will adapt to this. Focus on the here and now one day at a time. I completely understand how you feel right now and I will also say (having waited for her foot to "declare" for around 5 weeks before her surgery) that the waiting time is the worst part - not knowing when they will deal with this and get the operation part behind you absolutely stressed me to tears many times. Please inbox me if you want any support.

Witchend · 27/01/2016 21:12

My dd was also born with her left arm missing below the elbow. I can also recommend Reach

It's a bit like joining a secret society that no one chose to be in, but supports each other. The Reach family is wonderful.

She is still your wonderful daughter, and she will amaze you as to what she will achieve.

If you google search Ceri Burnell disability prejudice then you used to get a short clip from The One Show.

Dd2 is now 12 and I can honestly say that she has only once had something she wanted to do and hasn't because of it (piano) but has had opportunities her siblings could only dream of because of it.

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 27/01/2016 21:42

tutu - I just want to give you a massive, massive hug. This is a horrific shock and you need to work through it. Is there anyone that the hospital can refer you to, to discuss your feelings? Flowers

totalrecall1 · 27/01/2016 21:47

Are you sure that the fingers will come off? Same thing happened to my DC in a patio door at 9 months but they managed to sew it back on again? Its fine now.

Marniasmum · 27/01/2016 21:48

Youi are still in shock I think, and there will be a whole range of emotions to go through.
I think you should be open and honest about how the accident happened from the outset.It is better that both your DC hear about it from you and come to terms with it as little children.Otherwise you will have some some meddler enlightening them in twenty years time and causing serious damage to the relationship with each other and with you.

Hihohoho1 · 27/01/2016 21:53

Massive massive hugs op.

Look you feel what you feel and feelings change and shape themselves over time.

Our dd was badly injured in a fatal crash at 12 and I know my main fear was that I couldn't protect her. I wasn't there. Someone made a stupid mistake and my dds life changed forever.

I felt and still feel guilty 4 years later and incredibly sad for the dead and injured in the crash.

You don't have to be strong inside love just maintain that strength outside for both of your children. It's bloody hard but you will because that's what mummies do.

Go take a walk and have a huge meltdown/cry/ when you need to.

Nothing like this should happen to children but it does and it's not usually anyone's fault. Flowers

Be kind to yourself.