AIBU to be feeling like this about my baby's injury? Upsetting

[TutuEarly]

I want to talk about it but I don't want to, if that makes sense?

My baby had a severe hand injury - elder child accidentally closed her finger in the door and it's looking like the baby will part of 1 or 2 of the fingers.

We are watching and waiting for the extent of the injuries to 'declare' according to the plastic surgeon.

I'm at home basically waiting for the fingers to drop off. My baby is so beautiful but I feel so squeamish about this. I can't look at it, it's bandaged at the minute. The hospital made me wash her hand today as I'm clearly not dealing with it. I feel so useless as a mother and support for my child. Dh was there too, thankfully.

People are, naturally, asking me about my child and I can't talk about it without getting upset.

People want to tell me about someone they know who did wonderful things without fingers, hands etc and they mean well. I know it could be worse but I'm really grieving for the perfection that my baby was. Still is perfect but slightly less so.

I'm not being strong here, I'll come to terms with it.

Just to give detail the accident was just a spur of the moment, happened in blink of an eye thing. Nobody's fault.

I'm so sad about it.

[0christmastree5]

It's perfectly natural for you to feel sad, infact sad doesn't do justice the story you have shared. I wish you and dd the best possible outcome.

[TutuEarly]

Thanks for all the help and advice from everyone.

total yes we are pretty sure the fingers will come off. She was in theatre and has had surgery where they put the fingers back on but the blood flow didn't get to the tips. They've gone all black and are basically rotting away.

The waiting to see is the worst bit.

So sorry for the things that have happened other people, I'm not alone, I know.

I do still feel in shock. I feel like I can't let the baby out of my sight which is very difficult looking after a 3 year old and a 13 month old as we have to live our lives.

[ExitPursuedByABear]

OH poor you and poor baby.

Humans are great adapters. I know this is not what you would have wanted for your dd but I am sure she will be absolutely fine.

My db lost a large part of his thumb in an incident with a deckchair 53 years ago whilst out with our grandparents. I know mum harboured resentment but it never held my db back.

[Mmmmcake123]

I'm sure the hope that the operation would be successful kept you going through the shock so it must be awful to come to terms with.
Be kind to yourself emotionally, feelings are often very complicated. We are not taught as young people how to feel about unexpected events, so it is difficult to know whether what we feel is OK or not. It's also very hard to get your head around something like this when it's your little one.

[BoffinMum]

DS1 did something similar to DS2 when DS2 was a toddler and he lost a bit of the top of his finger, but got off a lot more lightly. But I remember the utter shock and anxiety while we were finding out what was going to happen so my thoughts are with you xx

[MrsJuice]

So sorry. What a terrible situation.

I know a man who lost a thumb in a car accident. He had literally no idea it had happened, until someone noticed at the scene. They never found it, and he's always been comfortable working round it. Spills tea often though!

My FIL lost a leg through a similar process to your DC. They tried to amputate below the knee, but it continued to blacken. Horrible at the time. He now has a quarter left, and a prosthetic leg.
It's good now he has a conclusion. It's the waiting and watching that is terribly traumatic. I do feel for you.
The children call him 'Pirate Pap', which he finds hilarious.

Your little one will still be perfect, and will amaze you. If they don't remember any different, they compensate quite readily.
I think your trauma will be much worse.
Hugs.

[Valentine2]

That sounds like such a freak thing to have happened. Must be such a horrible feeling for you to see that. Hugs and hugs and hugs. You are doing absolutely brilliant. Xxx

[Ditsy4]

My sister did this to one of my other sisters when they were about 10 and 8 it was half a finger.
I'm so sorry it must be worse when it is a beautiful, perfect little bundle. Hugs.

[liinyo]

Poor, poor you. Please don't beat yourself up over your reaction to this. The unthinkable has happened to your family and you are in shock. You need to find out the long term consequences and adjust accordingly. It is not about reacting 'properly'. The baby books and magazines don't prepare you for this. You will get there in the end in your own way. Love and protect your baby as best you can, and love and protect the older sibling who accidentally hurt her, and eventually you will realise that you did OK. Just the fact you are worried you aren't being the best possible mum shows what a loving mum you are.

Best wishes and love to all of you. xx

[leavemealone2015]

I think it's because you are suppressing a torrent of emotions about the trauma of the accident, that you can't bear to see the baby's hand as its too overwhelming.
Also because you are very close to the baby( you almost feel as one with a baby don't you) you feel the pain on their behalf.
It's normal, it's because you care.

[DaveGrohlyousexyman]

We went through a very similar accident. When my youngest son was 5 his 15 year old brother slammed a door which unfortunately had the 5 year olds hand in it. He lost half of his little finger.

I remember calling for the ambulance in complete utter shock. DH couldn't cope and took off to the bottom of the garden. It was absolutley traumatic and still makes me well up 5 years later.

What you are feeling is perfectly natural. You have all been through an awful experience and it will take time to come to terms with what's happened. Good luck and I hope for the best possible outcome for your little one.

[WannaBeAMummy16]

I have absolutely no advice but I just wanted to say I'm so sorry you are going through this. How old is baby? If it makes it any less easier (and this may have already been said, I haven't read all the replies) baby will not know any different growing up and it will just become a part of them.

[TutuEarly]

Thanks to everyone who has commented on this post and to those who have pm me.

My baby is 13 months to those who asked.

I need to be strong but I just keep reliving the day of the accident and thinking "if only."

I suppose my worries are, will my child be able to write properly, grip a pencil, colour in etc, will they be able to ride a bike, balance, grip?

I also worry about teasing as people can be so cruel.

[IceBeing]

OP I know you probably mean reliving in a general sense, but it wouldn't be impossible to suffer PTSD after an event like this - if you think you need help then do please access it.

[EuropeanSpoon]

I think you're having a normal reaction to a horrible event. You love your baby so much it's very difficult to see her with an injury and I can understand you must be preoccupied with how this could change her future and all the if onlys. Add in the horrible waiting to see what happens to her fingers and it's no wonder you feel like you do.

I would agree with pps who say she will adapt and it's very unlikely this will hold her back in any way, and do investigate some peer support so you can meet other families with kids who have had similar injuries or hand differences and see that your baby will be absolutely fine and indeed brilliant!

Do you have someone to talk to about what happened? A friend or sympathetic GP or HV/childrens centre worker? At this point I think it's expected for you to feel awful and to relive the incident but if you don't start to feel a bit better in a few weeks please seek some support to manage your feelings about it all.

And don't be afraid to be honest with yourself about your feelings about your older child, some feelings of anger or resentment would be normal at times and if you try and squash it down it could affect your relationship in future. If you let yourself acknowledge it then you'll be able to work through it and let it go - again if you think you need help with this then approach a professional who you trust or perhaps a charity, there will be lots of people on MN who will know where you could turn.

You are doing great and your evident love for your dcs will get you through. Be nice to yourself and try to do things you enjoy, nothing fancy but snuggles, stories, playing together. You will be better than fine

[Witchend]

Tutu, I can assure you they will do all those things. I have never known a reach child not be able to write, even those with loss both sides. Riding a bike might take a little longer.... But that's what we were told about dd crawling and she crawled at 5 months.
Bike riding with limb loss is one of the Paralympic sports, and even those missing much more ride bikes.
dd2's arm is missing from about 3" below the elbow and te only thing she's ever not done is play the piano... She plays the trumpet instead which you only need the right hand. You can get one handed recorders too. But someone from Reach went to the royal college of music with similar limb loss ( but right hand... French horn is left hand only) who played the piano to a reasonable degree.

If she had a thumb and a finger then she can grip. They may be able to help surgically if necessary,moving a finger round to get a better grip or toe to finger transfer, although that's usually done for no fingers.
Word of warning though there. W had a talk once from someone who had burnt off a finger as a child and now is a leading surgeon. He went through childhood having operation after operation etc and they didn't really help him. He said it can be quite common that parents,whose dc have had accidents do this out of guilt, to try and get it back etc. So don't rush onto it. Take advice and consider it. Simon Kay at Leeds is meant to be the best.

One of the children at reach had a similar waiting to drop off. Not due to an accident, I think it was a blood clot, and it was the whole hand and wrist. I seem to remember them saying actually losing it took a long time, and then dropped off on the middle of a football match.

Give yourself plenty of hugs. It is much worse to come to terms with an accident because there is lots of what ifs and if only.
But she will adapt easily. Give her things yo go as you would any other child and she will work out how to do it as quick as any other for the majority of time.
It's a frequent comment about Reach children "they were the first in their class to do xyz" it seems to give them an extra determination.

If you join us at Reach then sign up to the fb page. It's a great,source of support and advice. And I'll see you on it!

[WhoTheFuckIsSimon]

I'm sorry this has happened to your dd.

A friend of mine her son was born with three fingers which stopped at the second joint. It doesn't hold him back at all and I never notice it now. He rides bikes, rock climbs, etc. Can hold pens, tie shoe laces.

I guess the good thing is your dd is so young she will adapt very quickly. But I understand how much shock that you must be in and almost a kind of grief. You will all come to terms with this.

[Pyjamaramadrama]

Yanbu I'm so sorry

It must be such a shock. People just want to say things to try to help but I imagine it's one of those things where time will help you to get your head round it.

Your children are still beautiful and perfect X

[GreenPetal94]

I would also find something like this completely distressing and I think you need to be kind to yourself and give yourself a lot of time. I'm so sorry this has happened to your wee one when she is so tiny.

That said my partner at work has a finger missing and no one is bothered by it and she manages completely fine.

[Dixiechickonhols]

Everything will still be very raw. If you do want to speak to someone I know they have a specialist nurse counsellor at our local specialist mobility centre.

Your GP should be able to refer you.

Your fears are quite normal.

I'd echo everything Witchend says about Reach. It is normal to worry but people share on the facebook page especially and seeing things like plaiting her hair, kids riding bikes is very reassuring. They will also put you in touch with another family in a similar situation if you want.

My DD is 10 and despite 1 hand plays the cornet, ballet dances, ties shoelaces, doing fantastically academically. You do think how the heck will they do x or y but they find a way.

Have you had a name change Witchend?, I knew there was a mum on here with daughter with same Left Below Elbow as DD but different name to you. Is your daughter going to the Reach activity week this summer? Mine is just old enough, have booked her on.

[PumpkinPie2013]

I'm so sorry to hear about your baby's accident and I am certain your feelings are very normal

Please be assured that your daughter will adapt and be able to do the things you listed.

Not quite the same but my dad lost two fingers on his right hand (the hand he used) when his hand got caught in a tank track as a young soldier - so a bad crush injury. He remembers nothing about the accident because he passed out immediately and your daughter probably won't either because she is so young.

The other good news is that despite not having two fingers and having no feeling in parts of his hand, my dad has full use of his hand, can hold a pen, write, learnt to type effectively and has a surprisingly good grip - honestly, your daughter will adapt.

You will get used to seeing her hand in time - I barely notice that my dad is missing fingers.

I hope you're all ok