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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not getting party invite

59 replies

SpecialLittleLady · 27/01/2016 18:11

My daughter has a tight group of friends . One of the girls is having a birthday party but has not invited my daughter or half of the group of 6 girls. My daughter and her friends are upset at not being invited as they are all so close. Would I be unreasonable to speak to the mother to suggest that this might tear the group apart when they have all been BFFs since preschool?

OP posts:
slebmum1 · 27/01/2016 18:52

No you absolutely can't speak to the mum!

Original poster
SpecialLittleLady · 27/01/2016 18:53

I think you are all right I'll just leave it and see what happens. I'll explain to my DD that it happens but they are still friends and perhaps it will all work out. She will still get an invite to my DDs party in a few months.

OP posts:
NettleTea · 27/01/2016 18:58

my daughter's 6th birthday was the last 'party' we did for her - after that it was 2 or 3 friends, an activity and a meal out. Up until age 6 I could get away with having parties which meant that parents had to stay, or at least I was not responsible for other people's children. I could cope with 2 or 3.

happygoluckylady · 27/01/2016 18:59

Eek..this could be me as my daughter has her seventh birthday this weekend. We have about thirty children coming (about half her class) and other friends from another class and elsewhere. There were a few children she specifically didn't want to invite and others that she has little to do with so we managed to whittle down the list that way. She knows that you can't get invited to every party and is aware that there have been parties that she has missed out on. It's a good lesson for life in my opinion.

If it's me...do tell me...maybe she'll reconsider ;-)

NoSquirrels · 27/01/2016 19:06

So there's a group of 6 or 7 of them, and half haven't been invited. So including the birthday girl, there will be a maximum of 3 invitees.

Fine for a tea party at 6 or 7 years old.

Stay out of it. Keep inviting the birthday girl for tea if your DDs are friends.
There's absolutely no obligation on anyone to have a certain amount of guests to a birthday party.

My DC1 had only 2 friends for a birthday tea at a similar age (leaving out arguably her "best" friend/s) but we had a lot going on and it was all I could deal with.

Please don't bring it up, and just explain to your DD that not everyone can have a large party every year.

Panicmode1 · 27/01/2016 19:10

I can see why you are upset, but you have to leave it. When you get to year 6 and your child is one of only three not invited to a whole class party (for no good reason that you or your child knows of), and several parents threaten to boycott on your child's behalf, but send their children anyway - then you can get upset.....but still not say anything about it with the parent of the other child. Just explain to your child that some parents never leave the playground and are happy to facilitate their child's bullying behaviour, and go and do something brilliant on that particular day.....

Gottagetmoving · 27/01/2016 19:19

I don't think anyone should expect a party invitation so yes YABU.
Just accept your DD is not invited and don't look for sinister reasons.

MerryMarigold · 27/01/2016 19:30

I think it's strange and a bit sad if they are as tight as you say. But maybe they are not in reality. Is the friendship reciprocated to the same level? It's good that half the group are not invited so your dd is not alone.

QuietWhenReading · 27/01/2016 19:31

Perhaps they are limiting it to what can fit in the car for lifts.

Perhaps they are limiting it because the parents can't cope with more than 3 kids in the house.

Perhaps they are doing an expensive activity you don't know about and they can't afford it.

Perhaps it's not such a tight group after all, it just appears that way to you.

I have no doubt that there may be a mother at my DD's school wondering why I didn't invite her daughter to a sleepover next weekend when the other child from (what she considers to be ) their tight group is coming. Her beautiful, talented and brilliant daughter (she is, I'm not being scarky) has been making my DD's life hell at school for the last 2 months, I assume the mum is unaware.

whoreandpeace · 27/01/2016 19:32

No-one has a right to be invited to a party. You wouldn't phone up one of your friends and ask why they hadn't asked you over to a dinner party would you? Leave well alone. In hindsight when you look back at this in ten year's time it will be insignificant. If the party-giver is having 2-3 friends back for tea, then that is none of your business. It is always best to keep your mouth zipped rather than to create a big hole for you to sink into. Your job (as someone else upthread said) is to teach your DD how to manage such situations, to hold her head up high, to have good manners, to be kind and inclusive and how to manage disappointment. If she likes the girl enough, then give her a very small gift (choco lollipop from m & s?) and a card. Shows you have risen above. You will come out the better for it. And on the day of the birthday tea perhaps have the other three girls over and do something fun, so that they have something to talk about the following day/Monday at school, too.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 27/01/2016 19:35

Stay out of it. Still have the birthday girl to DD's party should your dd want her there. Now my dc are teenagers it is so easy to look back on all that stuff as just not important in the greater scheme of things.

lastuseraccount123 · 27/01/2016 19:35

yabu. she's only invited half the friends for a reason. leave it.

starry0ne · 27/01/2016 19:37

My DS wasn't invited to a party of one of a close group... Did I feel a bit why not my DS? yes... However I never commented to anyone else..Told my Ds it was his party and up to him who he invited..

They are still friends and get on with it.. I have a rule never interfere with friendships and children.. they sort it out together much quicker than adults

Aeroflotgirl · 27/01/2016 19:37

Yabvvu, you are too over invested in this, I would step back a bit.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 27/01/2016 19:40

OP, why do you think it's any business of yours who is invited to another child's party, chosen, organised and Paid for by their parent. Seriously, what the hell has it got to do with you?! Hmm

It's not the case of an individual being excluded but the rest of the class or group being invited.

You are massively over-thinking it. Massively.

arethereanyleftatall · 27/01/2016 19:42

Yabu.
I was that other mum, having had 6 years of big parties, I was sooo looking forward to dds 7th where the plan was her and two friends out for dinner and cinema. I received a text from another mum saying her dc was crying and querying why she wasn't invited. I was really cross, but felt I had no choice but to change the party completely and ended up inviting all the girls.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 27/01/2016 19:45

They prob aren't as tight a group as you think. Leave it.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 27/01/2016 19:49

What a bad-mannered and socially inept parent, Arethereany.

You certainly had a choice though. All it's taught That child and her parent is that it's ok to stamp your foot and turn on the tears to have things your way.

Sallyhasleftthebuilding · 27/01/2016 19:49

I found the pushy kids would demand an invite and child felt pressured to invite them - rather than consider the wider circle (DD didn't invite her best friend at 7 Hmm just assumed she knew and would come)

That said I give them a number and leave them too it! Plenty of parties and they all roll into one anyway!

CurlyhairedAssassin · 27/01/2016 19:50

To be clear, I meant the mum who phoned you was rude - not you!

EponasWildDaughter · 27/01/2016 19:51

Most close friendship groups between children this young have been facilitated by their parents to quite a high degree. Not in a conscious way - but still that's how it happens. Nurturing the friendships, making time for the group, organising play dates, etc.

Once they get to about 6 or 7 they start making their own choices about who to spend their free time with though. Sometimes the friendships last; sometimes they grow apart. Just like adults. That's life. It's no big deal. And this is what you need to be telling your DD OP.

arethereanyleftatall · 27/01/2016 19:56

I know curly. You're right. I just couldn't be arsed with the drama though. Next year I'm putting my foot down.

CaptainCrunch · 27/01/2016 19:59

Keep your beak out OP. I had interference from a Mum like you when my DD was 11. It was horrible, being dictated to and making my DD feel really bad for simply having 3 friends over for a pizza and a sleepover as opposed to 6 which we couldn't afford, either monetary or spacewise.

The Mum who until then had collected DD from an activity every week along with her own DD (her offer) left DD stranded in the dark and freezing cold after saying "I'm not giving you a lift tonight...sorry!" with no heads up to me or DH to collect her instead.

Only1scoop · 27/01/2016 19:59

It's not just your daughter though

It's 'half the group of girls'

Yabu to think about asking her.

LordOfMisrule · 27/01/2016 20:12

Not your place, and not just your daughter singled out as not invited.

Keep out. Feeling upset doesn't give you a right to challenge this.