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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder why some school mums are so mean?

71 replies

Neveradullm0ment · 26/01/2016 13:11

Just that really. I've had a bit of an experience with the same group of women. who decided they didn't like myself and another woman - we weren't friends with them and had done nothing (except try and organise something nice at school - this was before it had happened btw) The thing is at school and even at work I've never had any experience of women being mean to another woman for no reason. To qualify, I had female bosses I've disagreed with, and female friends whom I've had heated debates with and fallen out over - but it was something specific. No one picked on each other.
Where does this come from?

OP posts:
CottonFrock · 26/01/2016 13:59

*because they are women.

I worked in a male only environment, in a female only and in a mixte one. The women only work place was horrendous. Women are much more bitchy, looking into petty details, ready to cry and make a scene without notice. Guys have a much healthier attitude, they don't take themselves so seriously.*

I'm assuming you are a woman, Alice. Are you a bitchy, weepy scene-maker, simply because you have a vagina?

OP, I don't think women who drop their children to school are a separate species - it's unfortunate that you encountered a nasty bunch, but that's all it was, you were unlucky enough to meet some unpleasant people in a situation where you see them regularly.

Seriouslyffs · 26/01/2016 14:00

I just don't recognise this at all
I've been at the school gates for 15 years 8 primary schools in 3 countries and I've never come across it.

ElasticPants · 26/01/2016 14:01

I don't think it's just women, just a nasty bunch of people. At DC school there are several stay at home dads, who group together on the playground. Dh got completely shunned by them at the ice cream van once. Even he said they were brutally bitchy.

DanishBlue · 26/01/2016 14:02

I had this when mine were at primary school 15 years ago. The worst offenders with the SAHM's, the rest of us were far too busy to care about their cliquey little groups and bitching as we ran off down the drive to get to work for 9! I think it is a misguided sense of superiority whilst secretly being envious they don't have a life outside the playground. The playground IS their life so they dominate as best they can.

Baressentials · 26/01/2016 14:02

Queen because with my 3dc (dc4 not at school yet) they have had 3 different schools in total - not all at the same time.( dc1 went to one school, dd went to a different school, dd and ds1 at the same school, ds2 went to a different school, dd and ds2 now at same school together - you get the picture) Each time whenever there was a new parent we would make them feel welcome. I just find it strange not to say welcome to a new parent. Maybe it is me Smile but in keystage 1 I have never experienced ignoring a new parent.

floellabenjaminsearrings · 26/01/2016 14:02

baressentials we're going through the same thing at the moment.

At DD1's last school the parents were mainly chatty and friendly. We have just moved to a new area and they just stand in small inpenetrable groups ignoring me. Just before Christmas one of them came to speak to me, being all friendly, "you're DD1's mum aren't you?" but it turns out she was just after money for the teachers gifts. When I brought the money in the next day and handed it to her all I got was a quick thanks, then back to her conversation.

It is DD1 I feel most sorry for, as the children are just as bad. She asked if she could play with some of them and they said no Sad. I only have to put up with it for 10 mins a day...

CalmYoBadSelf · 26/01/2016 14:03

Alice My work is mostly in places with a large majority of female staff. Over the years I have had some good, some ok and some bloody awful. It is not women that are the problem, it is the individuals and the management that make the difference

NoInspirationForNewNC · 26/01/2016 14:04

Danish I may be a SAHM but I am also very busy and I still get offended by people ignoring me, especially when their children shout out to my new son, the new boy.

NoInspirationForNewNC · 26/01/2016 14:05

floella It is hard going from a nice friendly non-cliquey school to one where I don't think there are even cliques!

JuneFromBethesda · 26/01/2016 14:06

If we're sharing anecdata, Alice, the best job I ever had was in an all-female department. I've never laughed so much while at work, or enjoyed going to work as much as I did then, because of the fabulous, funny, hard-working (female) colleagues I had. No pettiness, no drama, just lots of support and good humour. Twenty years later I'm still in touch with most of them. The job I left two years ago, by contrast, was made intolerable by the two men who were supposed to be my managers - who were petty, self-absorbed, rude, arrogant and incapable of doing their jobs properly.

However I have more sense than to conclude from this that all women are a nightmare to work with Hmm

JuneFromBethesda · 26/01/2016 14:07

Gah, obviously I mean ... I have more sense than to conclude from this that all MEN are a nightmare to work with. Numbskull.

bumbleymummy · 26/01/2016 14:07

Danish, that seems to be the case at our school too. You may be on to something.

Katenka · 26/01/2016 14:08

There are many reasons.

One woman started having a problem with me. I had no idea why.

The teacher called me in to explain that dd had been really upset because this woman's dd was spreading rumours dd had been bullying her.

The teacher knew it wasn't true and the girl admitted she was lying. But she had told her mother the same thing. The mother believed her dd as you would.

So it could be something that you are unaware of. It could be just that she doesn't like you. It could be that she is that type of person.

Katenka · 26/01/2016 14:09

Dd is now at secondary. She has to be driven as its not walkable and no buses.

It has a drop off point so we pull up, she jumps out and that's it. No school yard parents to deal with. It's bliss! Grin

HeyYouGetOffMyCloud · 26/01/2016 14:10

Agree with pp. Bored women who don't have work or hobbies that fulfil them so they create drama at school gates. Poor dears.

Make it clear the school gates are a tiny tiny part of your otherwise happy life. Hold your head high, smile and say 'hello' at the school gates. Never more.

Then there's no scope to criticise you.

NoInspirationForNewNC · 26/01/2016 14:10

I have a meeting with ds2 teacher this week to see how he is getting on and coping with the move. If it transpires there is a fb page for parents (in my experience that is where we all go shit it is dress up day, or hw due in, or they are walking to the local museum don't forget your £2) I will ask how I can join if it turns out there isn't one, how out of order would it be of me to suggest I set one up? Bear in mind I am the newbie at the school.

HeyYouGetOffMyCloud · 26/01/2016 14:11

Danish has it right. the playground is these women's life. Make it breezily clear that its not yours.

Alicewasinwonderland · 26/01/2016 14:13

Leelu6

I don't hate women, I am one of them and I do have lots of girlfriends. In my experience, it's easier to work with men. My employers agree, and prefer to recruit men in majority, and for very obvious reasons.

Look at this forum if you want proof that women can be a lot more unpleasant. It's hilarious to read, but you can't make it up!

When the kids go to a sport thing at the weekend, I don't witness near as much drama with the dads than with the mums during the week.

Bexster93 · 26/01/2016 14:14

Life's too short to worry about such things

HeyYouGetOffMyCloud · 26/01/2016 14:14

Noinspiration Don't do it. That can be a hotbed bitchy competitiveness. Trust yourself that you'll remember stuff without that negativity in your life

cleaty · 26/01/2016 14:14

And I see the same amongst my elderly widowed father and his friends. They have too much time on their hands and are incredibly judgy and gossipy. My father was not like that when he was younger.

NotdeadyetBOING · 26/01/2016 14:22

I would just rise above it. Life is too short to worry. Let them do their thing and you do yours.

DottyBlue2 · 26/01/2016 14:24

I have exactly the same scenario. Please can everyone on this thread set up a free school so that our children go there and we can all be school mums together who are NICE TO EACH OTHER? I started a thread yesterday about being frequently called another school mum's name. Nice to see I've made such an impact after 15 months in the school.

I have also seen some of the "popular" mums out and about and their everyday look is very different to their school gate look. Out of eye shot, they are all exhausted, miserable and strained. They're obvious exhausted from having to put on a front when they get to school. Good luck to them. I've had enough.

Sadly, I think this is impacting on DS's friendship groups.

amarmai · 26/01/2016 14:27

schoolyard gate gangs are a reg thread on mn - so big surprises. Agree with the frozen personalities from some previous high/low point of their lives. The movie Heathers explains a lot IMO.

Pipistrella · 26/01/2016 14:32

There's a group like this at every school I've been at. Last school it was the contingent with a poor education and interesting dress sense who used to point and giggle at me - I ignored them because I had a lot of friends who thought they were eejits, too.

This time it's a strange group who hang about in the car park and just stare whenever I go past. I don't think I look peculiar or anything. They just seem to take issue with my being there at all.

One of them spoke to me last term and was very nice, but that was all, and I don't anticipate any great strides being made tbh.

You have to just ignore the bastards.

If it gets personal then obviously that is different. I haven't had too many issues like that.