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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

WIBU, me or DH?

54 replies

MargueriteA · 26/01/2016 12:42

Think this might be 50/50...

At the weekend I hosted young DC's birthday party at home. DH was at work. I used the camera to take photos, and this morning we discovered we can't find the lense cap. DH is really pissed off. It's an expensive camera. I understand why he's pissed off, it's not that I wanted to lose the cap or anything. I'm almost entirely certain I put it on top of the bookcase where we normally place it when using the camera, but maybe not - or maybe someone picked it up by accident, or maybe the cat's knocked it down. I don't know. I do appreciate that technically, I have lost the lense cap.

However DH, who normally I'd not complain about as we do share childcare, housework, cooking and all that 50/50, completely copped out over DC's birthday. Didn't organise a single thing or help by a single present. (He is a bit like this with his family but I leave him too it).

So I planned, organised, shopped for, prepared and hosted a party for 10 kids in our house. Bought all the presents for DC and the kids. Tidied up afterwards before he got back from work. Took lots of nice photos and sorted and sent them on to our families to see.

While I know losing the lense cap is really annoying, I'm a bit more laidback that after having hosted our first large party in the house, if the only casualty is a lense cap (no broken plates or toilet accidents etc), it's not the end of the world. DH, however, thinks it is symptomatic of me taking less care in things. I can't say it's like I'm breaking things in the house all the time, but he probably does have a point. After a heated discussion this morning, I'm now of the mindset that if he'd helped at all with the party and DC's birthday, I might not have been so busy/stressed and so might not have accidentally misplaced the cap.

Anyone right or wrong?

OP posts:

badg3r · 26/01/2016 13:22

I can see why you're annoyed. You put loads of effort into doing something nice for DC. DH doesn't make any effort to help out. So you're annoyed at him for not seeming to care so much about DC having a party in the first place. Then his overriding reaction to all your work is to be annoyed about a tiny lost piece of plastic that costs peanuts to replace. I would be annoyed too.

Gottagetmoving · 26/01/2016 13:25

I don't think either of you is BU.
He shouldn't have to go on and on about it and maybe you should take more care - but it is not worth arguing over.
My DP is just the same as your DH. He would ignore any effort I had made or the amount of work I had to do - The only thing that would matter would be the thing I did 'wrong' He thinks there is no excuse for not looking after things.
If I lose or break anything - I apologise but walk away if he starts going on about it.

Wineandrosesagain · 26/01/2016 13:27

FGS, he is BU - it's a lens cap!!!!! I find people who go off on one over small things like this really irritating (and very unattractive in a partner - reminds me of some grumpy old man). You didn't lose it on purpose. So fine, you've said sorry, will get another one. All good. Now he needs to show some appreciation of the fact that you single-handedly organised and ran the party. And if he doesn't think that's hard work then next time it's down to him.

whois · 26/01/2016 13:29

You're right. He's being a dick. Also, it's a ducking lens cap not a lens. Wrap it in a soft cloth and bubble wrap and buy a new one for about 99p on eBay b

HumptyDumptyHadaHardTime · 26/01/2016 13:30

If you are generally often losing or breaking things maybe the lens cap was kind of the last straw iyswim.

Whistle73 · 26/01/2016 13:37

My DH is exactly the same. I would point out to him what a shame it is that now your overriding memory of your DC's birthday will not be the lovely party you gave and how great it was, but the fact that you lost a plastic lens cap.
I remember a family trip to York a few years ago when one of our DCs accidentally dropped our camera and broke it. DH's ensuing tantrum and sulk (he shouted at us all, me included, and stormed off in a rage) completely ruined the rest of the day and now whenever I think of York that's all I remember, not the fantastic time we'd had up to that point.

Katenka · 26/01/2016 13:38

I would say it's 50:50.

He is pissed off the cap is missing. Especially if this sort of thing happens a lot.

The fact that you did everything for the party has nothing to do with the party, tbh. If you aren't happy with having to do it yourself, you aren't happy with it. Fair enough. But it doesn't offset against the lense cap being missing.

So I get why he is pissed off, I get why you are. But I can't link the two and say he shouldn't be pissed off because he didn't help with the party.

FP239 · 26/01/2016 13:39

A lens cap is completely and utterly replaceable, what is not is that your child has no memories of their father at their birthday party! Had he been there to help out then he would have still had his precious lens cap AND had first hand meories of an event that he can ever get back.

In short, kick him in the groin and tell him you hope his balls go square and fester at the corners :grin:

Katenka · 26/01/2016 13:39

Ffs *lens+

Katenka · 26/01/2016 13:39

And a bold fail

Original poster

MargueriteA · 26/01/2016 13:48

I really don't think that I do lose or break things all the time but I'm guessing I either do, or he feels like I do, and hence why he's pissed off. Equally I'm happy to buy a new lens cap especially as it's less than a tenner even for the branded one.

At least some other people get why it's annoyed me - Then his overriding reaction to all your work is to be annoyed about a tiny lost piece of plastic that costs peanuts to replace. I would be annoyed too. It's that aspect. It's irrational but it's there. He had no choice but to work as he does shifts, and this was the weekend before DC's birthday, so I'm fine that I did everything - but he showed so little interest that annoyed me.

Also I get the sense he thinks I did it on purpose. I didn't. If it is lost because of me (and isn't accidentally in someone's handbag) then it was a complete accident.

It's been a long week - under the weather DC, poorly cat, busy at work, less sleep than usual - it's just really, really wound me up that he focused on the lens cap!

Can I cling to 50/50 instead of me being U?

OP posts:

ifyoulikepinacolada · 26/01/2016 13:50

I'm with the PPs who've said that yanbu and he is being a grumpy arse. If he'd been there to take pictures at the party he could have kept an eye on the lens cap. Which should have been attached to the camera if he's that bothered about it!

IronMaggie · 26/01/2016 13:53

Definitely 50/50. It sounds like you need to talk to each other more. It's a shame he couldn't be at the party, but he should have helped you prepare. Did you ask him to? And did he offer? Or had you agreed beforehand that you would do it all? Hopefully it can all be sorted out with a nice non-accusatory chat soon. And well done on the party!

caitlinohara · 26/01/2016 13:58

Definitely 50/50, but when dh complains about trivial housework things my standard response is "why don't you notice the things I have done today rather than the things I haven't, you "

Original poster

MargueriteA · 26/01/2016 14:01

Caitlin Yep, that's definitely what I want to say!

I don't want loads of thanks from him. I know he doesn't know the kids who came when I did, so I knew roughly what to organise and what might keep them entertained. I wanted to do it for DC, and I enjoyed doing it. I don't expect, or want, him to trip over himself congratulating me on what I did.

But after a long stressful week, it just pissed me off that he's focused so much on one lost thing, one easily replaceable thing. Tbh, I'm pleasantly surprised that's the only thing lost or damaged after a horde of children running around the house for several hours!

OP posts:

WickedWax · 26/01/2016 14:08

I think it's 50/50.

If he'd have pissed off to the pub to shirk his party duties I'd probably be more on your side, but he was working.

AllChangeLife · 26/01/2016 14:10

I have an expensive camera, and would be upset for about 5 seconds if someone lost a lens cap. It is a piece of plastic and totally doesn't matter.

Fwiw I think he is being unreasonable, not you, unless you are constantly losing something and this is cumulative stress, but even then. Maybe buy him the strap that keeps lens and cap together.

I don't know what you do about him getting overly stressed about a small piece of plastic. Ask him why he is so upset about something so small? That might make matters worse. Hmm. ..

Oldraver · 26/01/2016 14:11

I think the lens cap while annoying is quite a small thing and he is being a twat focusing on it too much. He has got you second guessing yourself as you dont think you loose things, but due to his excessive level of annoyance he may think like that. Does he do this often ? You are almost over apologising for something that is quite insignifecant and can be dealt with.

Which of course deflects the fact you have worked your ass off and he has chosen to concentrate on the negative

AllChangeLife · 26/01/2016 14:12

And when I say upset I mean "oh, bugger ill have to order another one "

Original poster

MargueriteA · 26/01/2016 14:17

No, he doesn't do it often. We're normally pretty good, we don't argue about much and normally talk things over well. But he can get a bit exact with instructions for things and I suspect this has pressed the same buttons.

OP posts:

Leelu6 · 26/01/2016 14:31

Maybe he's taking out his guilt on not contributing to your DC's birthday out on you?

Have you checked behind the bookcase?

Original poster

MargueriteA · 26/01/2016 14:32

It's a 16-hole Kallax unit, Leelu, if it's behind the bookcase it's staying there until the apocalypse!

OP posts:

StrictlyMumDancing · 26/01/2016 14:37

The impression that you're always breaking things is really subjective. It doesn't mean you are at all, its probably that if you're home more often you have more opportunity to lose/break something in the home. So you may only have an accident once in a blue moon, but if you've had more breakages than him then he may have formed that opinion without thinking that actually its probably because you have greater opportunity.

For instance, my DH has been responsible for all the kitchen breakages in the last few months. Not because he's clumsy but because he stacks and unstacks the dishwasher and does the washing up. He has more opportunity for mishaps. I also break things, but far less frequently. I tried to remember this when he broke my favourite glasses

mrsjskelton · 26/01/2016 14:38

Sounds to me like he loves a good argument! Just replace the lens cap and don't encourage anymore discussion about it.

MagicMojito · 26/01/2016 14:42

I agree with pp's who think your using him being pissed of about the lens cap as an opportunity to vent your frustrations over his lack of imput/appreciation of all the hard work you have put in over your DC party and probably just in family life in general . I'd say yes it was probably U of you to be so blasé about loseing something that didn't belong to you HOWEVER he really should just chalk it up as one of those things and just get on with life. Its just not a big deal.

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