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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you ask to stay with family of four living in a 2 bed flat?

76 replies

Maisy313 · 26/01/2016 08:54

We live in London, it's a nice, light flat and is largely fine for 2 adults and 2 kids, but my in laws routinely want to come and stay with us (on the soda bed) for long weekends. What with one bathroom and an 18 month old who still wakes up a lot and with us both working it just makes for a really cramped, stressful experience and often makes me feel a bit depressed about the flat. I like my in laws a lot and don't want them to feel rejected but would rather pay for them to stay in a hotel, just have zero emotional energy left and feel like we all need respite from school, after school clubs work and nursery for that two days a week. Am I being a bit precious?

OP posts:
PolovesTubbyCustard · 26/01/2016 12:30

Perhaps I was in a huff as I didn't actually invite these visitors. They just sent dated of flights and assumed that I would host.

BertrandRussell · 26/01/2016 13:04

"When I talk about my family, I mean DH, DD, DS and me."

Ah, Mylittlefamily syndrome...................

diddl · 26/01/2016 13:04

Oh dear.

I have a terrible idea that it just wouldn't occur to me that this was too much unless I was told.

maybebabybee · 26/01/2016 13:11

Bertrand Grin I too am always bemused at this on MN...

snowymountaintops · 26/01/2016 13:13

Betrand obviously you are going to put your children and DH first. The parents are perfectly mobile and able to stay in a hotel surely?

Cloppysow · 26/01/2016 13:31

Overuseofellipses syndrome...

OnlyLovers · 26/01/2016 13:33

I think it's more like 'People who live in our house' syndrome. If you don't want extra people in your house for whatever reason, it's perfectly OK not to have them. Yes, even family!

whois · 26/01/2016 13:48

I would try and get them an Airbnb nearby if possible, can often find them in the same block or at least much nearer than a hotel.

BertrandRussell · 26/01/2016 13:51

It's your parents. 6 weekends a year.

OnlyLovers · 26/01/2016 14:01

For heaven's sake. The OP finds it cramped, stressful, gets depressed about her OWN HOME and feels that she has no respite from her busy life.

People who do or would thrive on having guests in a small flat and NOT feel like this, fine. Good for you. Carry on.

The OP is NOT HAPPY and NOT thriving on this arrangement. Is it really so terrible for her to want them to stay elsewhere, at least for some of their visits?

SparkyTheCat · 26/01/2016 16:45

BertrandRussell its her PILS not her parents. And she's hardly expressing a wish to cut them off completely, just to better manage their visits so she actually enjoys them - which will in turn make it a much nicer experience for everyone - including them.

BertrandRussell · 26/01/2016 18:29

But they are her husband's parents!

snowymountaintops · 26/01/2016 18:39

Betrand so what? If she finds it uncomfortable she finds it uncomfortable can't you understand that?

I really need my own space and much as I love my family (and we are fortunate enough to have a fair amount of room at home) I wouldn't want them staying for more than a few days maximum. Doesn't mean that I love them any less.

BertrandRussell · 26/01/2016 18:44

I understand she finds it uncomfortable- because she makes it uncomfortable for herself- all this "nice guest experience" stuff. But if you can't put yourself out for your partner's parents (who you really like) for 6 weekends a year then there's a bit of a problem. iMHO.

SuburbanRhonda · 26/01/2016 18:46

Ah, Mylittlefamily syndrome...................

No, Myactualfamily syndrome.

I don't include my parents, PILs, aunts, uncles, cousins or anyone else when I talk about my family. If I want to include them I talk about my wider family.

You are quite free to define your own family how you wish, bertrand. It's not the same for everyone and I can't work out why it bothers you so much.

realpony · 26/01/2016 18:59

Depends on their finances and expectations really. We live in a 2 bed flat in London with 3 of us (teenage DS so all adult sized) and we once had ILs stay but they had to sleep on the sofa bed in the living room. They've been happy to pay for hotels since then as it's more comfortable for them and they can easily afford it.

My DPs are less well off and live close enough not to need to stay over, but I would put them up if necessary as I know they can't afford London hotel rates and they'd never expect more than a camp bed or sofa bed. My mum used to put up overseas relatives in our living room of a 3 bed flat (but with a family of six) as she is appalled at the cost of hotels and hates the idea of them wasting that money unnecessarily.

665TheNeighbourOfTheBeast · 26/01/2016 19:16

It's your parents. 6 weekends a year
but although its not the example here what if ...

there’s the other parents - so thats 12 weekends a year

oh... but they’re both divorced and remarried
so that’s 24 weekends a year

and that’s just parents..........your logic includes no reasonable boundaries
if what you say is true and reasonable Bertrand then the 24 is exactly as reasonable..as the 6
or is there a flaw in that thinking ?

MissingPanda · 26/01/2016 19:23

No there isn't. Some people just don't feel comfortable having people to stay, especially when it means cramped conditions. There's nothing wrong with that. Some people don't mind it some do, neither are wrong, just different.

snowymountaintops · 26/01/2016 19:30

Betrand putting yourself out is precisely the point of the 'nice guest experience' surely? That's hard sometimes especially with young children and not enough space. If I were the parents I wouldn't want to impose or indeed stay in such cramped and stressful conditions.

You seem determined that the extended family stay whatever the circumstances and they should all jolly well enjoy it, life is not like that for everyone can you not grasp that concept?

SeamstressfromTreacleMineRoad · 26/01/2016 19:48

Just so long as you realise that Yourlittlefamily will one day become just DH and you - when your DC have their Ownlittlefamilies - and tell you that you aren't welcome at their houses...

snowymountaintops · 26/01/2016 19:51

If I were the parents I wouldn't want to stay under those conditions though either so everyone's happy eh? Smile

Original poster
Maisy313 · 27/01/2016 08:43

Thanks everyone for your thoughts it's been really useful, and to most of you for being so kind and understanding. Seamstress they are 100% welcome in my home, like I said before they stayed with us for three weeks abroad when we had a bigger house, all lovely! I wouldn't want to stay in someone else's flat in such cramped quarters now let alone when I'm 30 years older, so I don't need to worry about that. I think we are all working to capacity in our house at the moment and what with a serious lack of sleep over quite a few months tiredness has accumulated (I've had a persistent twitch in both eyelids for months and swollen glands for what seems like forever) so getting some time out at a weekend feels pretty necessary. Anyway the upshot of it is that they are going to come for two nights instead of three / four and I'm hoping they might all go out on the Sunday while I sort the house out / make a dinner / catch up on some work so Monday isn't too horrific. I love my in laws and they adore the kids, I want them to have a nice time with us and yes I do feel some responsibility in making sure things are nice for them. I think the next stop is moving out of London for more space which makes me sad but I think we are starting to need it...

OP posts:
maybebabybee · 27/01/2016 08:50

That sounds like a nice compromise OP, take care of yourself Flowers

Chottie · 27/01/2016 09:01

YANBU

It does sound grim with them there.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 27/01/2016 09:21

I'm hoping they might all go out on the Sunday while I sort the house out / make a dinner / catch up on some work

Blimey - how long are you hoping they all go out for? Grin Grin

Completely understand. V welcome and helpful guests, you are just overwhelmed generally at the moment and making the house properly presentable when there is no space to put anything anywhere is just an enormous mental hurdle at the moment. Half of MN will turn up to say why isn't your DH sorting out the house as its his parents but I recognise that when you get to that stage it's as much about the sorting and weeding as it is about the actual tidying up. I'd far prefer my DH just got everyone out of my hair for a day so I could see it all more clearly.

It might be worth investigating storage units? They are expensive but not as expensive as a larger London mortgage and might help in the short term if you have somewhere to put out of season clothing and bedding [not that this winter is helping], large suitcases, clothing you are waiting for a younger child to grow into, rarely used but apparently necessary items