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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Would you ask to stay with family of four living in a 2 bed flat?

76 replies

Maisy313 · 26/01/2016 08:54

We live in London, it's a nice, light flat and is largely fine for 2 adults and 2 kids, but my in laws routinely want to come and stay with us (on the soda bed) for long weekends. What with one bathroom and an 18 month old who still wakes up a lot and with us both working it just makes for a really cramped, stressful experience and often makes me feel a bit depressed about the flat. I like my in laws a lot and don't want them to feel rejected but would rather pay for them to stay in a hotel, just have zero emotional energy left and feel like we all need respite from school, after school clubs work and nursery for that two days a week. Am I being a bit precious?

OP posts:

maybebabybee · 26/01/2016 09:27

I wouldn't make close family stay in a hotel, personally. I understand why it's annoying for you and sympathise but I think if it's only 6 weekends a year it's the kind of thing I'd just suck up.

We live in a small 2 bed too and routinely have family to stay on the sofabed.

OnlyLovers · 26/01/2016 09:32

You 'struggle' to give them what you (or they? Do they complain?) think is the 'right' guest experience. That's hardly your fault; it's because your flat isn't cut out for hosting people if you want space and peace.

If you're not the kind of person who enjoys having guests crammed in, it doesn't make you a failure at all!

I wouldn't ask to stay with someone in a clearly small space unless it was rarely/an emergency/I genuinely couldn't afford anywhere else/we were v close/I knew neither I nor they needed a quiet weekend.

Tell your DH what you've told us – you're at the end of your tether and need some peaceful weekends. If he's reasonable he'll ask his parents to stay in a hotel instead. If he doesn't want to do that, then I guess we'll see you back here for another round.

Seriously, here's some and I hope you get a bit of peace and quiet. You sound really overstretched.

ChishandFips33 · 26/01/2016 09:41

I think it's lovely that you care enough to want to do the whole guest experience for them

Would definitely put it to them about a hotel, but for you and DH - maybe when the GP visit they think "I wished them two would bugger off and leave us with these gorgeous G/children" so wouldn't be offended - I'm sure they'd be over the moon to feel they're helping out too!

Give them the option - we've booked a hotel for the next time you stay, do you want it or shall we take it and you have the flat and the kids

BertrandRussell · 26/01/2016 09:44

But why would you do "the whole guest experience" for family?

Muskateersmummy · 26/01/2016 09:47

It does sound a bit crowded but if they weren't getting the guest experience the wanted I would suspect they would choose to stay in a hotel. They must enjoy staying with you if they ask to come back. Maybe they miss the hustle and bustle of family life and enjoy those few weekends with you. I would possibly ask them to babysit for one of the nights they come to stay and head off out with dh, make use of them whilst they are there (in the nicest possible way)

wickedwaterwitch · 26/01/2016 09:47

YANBU - agree that you either book a hotel for them or book it and stay in it yourselves. I really wouldn't expect to stay with someone in that small a space.

Jumperooathon · 26/01/2016 09:48

I wouldn't mind it but if you don't like it you wouldn't be rude to suggest hotel.

snowymountaintops · 26/01/2016 09:51

Betrand I would want to offer the 'full guest experience' for my family and would find being cramped like that stressful. 6 weekends a year is a fair few if you are exhausted and stressed.

iamnotaponceyloudperson · 26/01/2016 09:51

If I'm ever a gp it will definitely be a hotel if I can't have a bed in a room with a door!

SuburbanRhonda · 26/01/2016 09:54

It's irrelevant what other people would do or how much they personally love having sleeping bodies all over the place and umpteen people queuing for the bathroom.

What matters is what makes your family happy. Don't have them if you don't want them. You can be welcoming without having people living in your flat. It sounds like you have a good enough relationship to have that conversation with them.

Cachareltastic · 26/01/2016 09:55

Next time they come up can you suggest that they have the children whilst you go out to lunch or dinner with your DH? you get some respite and a date, casually mention that the flat feels a bit small with you all in it,

They may get the hint, if not then sabotage the sofa bed so it is really uncomfortable?

My In laws haven't stayed with us in years as they prefer to stay with my SIL, in her 2 bedroom flat and they share a room with their Teenage GC. There is a pull out double bed bit at the bottom on their GS's bed, I am sure that the boy is delighted by that?! MIL smokes too (albeit on the balcony).

Birdsgottafly · 26/01/2016 10:02

If they are going to be woken up with your DS teething, then they might as well be minding him, if he won't get too distressed, to give you both a break.

If the relationship is built up, which they seem to want, you can pack the children off to theirs, when they're bigger.

If your struggling with lack of sleep then it's fine to suggest a hotel, even as a one off.

BertrandRussell · 26/01/2016 10:22

"What matters is what makes your family happy"

Which family is that then?

SuburbanRhonda · 26/01/2016 10:39

The immediate family, bertrand.

BertrandRussell · 26/01/2016 10:46

The thing is, everywhere but on mumsnet, your parents count as family members.............

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 26/01/2016 10:52

flat is being renovated by DIY dh.

This gives you the perfect opportunity to suggest that on the next occasion that they stay in a local B&B as the house is disrupted. They may just need to break the habit of staying with you.

You make the suggestion directly, not your DH. They may find it harder to say no to you as you are not family. Pre-empt things by having the details, the overnight rates and it all worked out so it is fait accompli. Pay if necessary and just arrange that they come by after breakfast.

vvviola · 26/01/2016 11:00

You can count yourself lucky - my MIL tried to convince us to let her and 40yo BIL sleep in the garage (not a semi-converted garage - the one where I kept my car, the washing machine and the collection of bugs). Because she wanted to stay when my parents were visiting from the other side of the world (3 bedroom house, master bedroom then DDs in one room, my parents in other). She couldn't see why I thought it might be a problem

She's visiting us again in July (we've moved away so she's coming for longer), and she will be staying in an apartment across the road. Thankfully the (even smaller dirtier in this house) garage wasn't mentioned this time.

SparkyTheCat · 26/01/2016 11:16

My parents are like this, so you have my sympathy OP. Mine think nothing of arriving hours early, sulk if I can’t be there exactly where and when they want (how dare this thing called work stop them getting exactly what they want), clutter the place up with their stuff, hog the tv, insist on doing chores even though I’ve already said ‘no thanks’ and ‘helpfully’ bring the random overripe bananas and half-eaten bread they just can’t bear to leave at home. They expect my house to run exactly like theirs, eg dedicated veggie cooking utensils, food storage arrangements – DM demands access to ‘backstage’ areas and has several times been caught poking round the study ‘just looking at your books’ (and bills, bank statements). Which all adds up to huge irritation – especially when, like with you, they’re camping on the sofabed and nobody has much personal space to begin with. It does feel like an invasion.

DH and I finally got to the bottom of this behaviour when yet again parents were insisting on interfering round the house: when I said no thanks Mum, we don’t expect our guests to do housework, DM’s reply was that ‘oh but we aren’t guests, are we.’ Cue tumbleweed... but very revealing I thought! OP, perhaps your PIL similarly don’t perceive themselves as guests in their son’s home – so normal houseguest manners do not, as far as they are concerned, apply, they are family therefore your home is theirs etc.

Things have been a bit better recently, because now DH and I understand where they’re coming from and can therefore frame things accordingly: ‘no thanks Mum, we don’t expect guests to bring boring things like milk and bread – chocolate’s always good though!’ ‘Please arrive after 1, otherwise we won’t be available and would hate to keep guests waiting.’ We find this kind of boundary-setting usually works quite well.

Hope this helps.

SparkyTheCat · 26/01/2016 11:24

The thing is, everywhere but on mumsnet, your parents count as family members.............

Being family does not confer some kind of free pass when it comes to basic good manners - ie respecting somebody's personal space.

HPsauciness · 26/01/2016 11:39

Someone asked who pays. We have paid, and they have paid, both of us accept it's hotels all the way. But my IL's are from abroad, and so come for a reasonable while, we did once have them to stay at our house, it wasn't that bad, but I think they like to retreat to the hotel themselves anyway.

In our case, it was my husband who put his foot down about them staying in a hotel, as he was rushing to work every am, and they would go in the bathroom for ages when he was trying to get out, I work too, and it was all too chaotic.

I would be happy with people staying for 1/2 nights, but probably not more now I am used to it, and if I had 4 people in a 2 bed, I would very much be encouraging the hotel option.

SuburbanRhonda · 26/01/2016 11:42

When I talk about my family, I mean DH, DD, DS and me.

Sorry not to have made it clearer what I meant.

theycallmemellojello · 26/01/2016 11:46

I don't think that it's U to be bothered by it, but it's certainly not U of them to ask or think that you're fine with it, since it's what you've been doing for a while. I don't think it's weird they don't want a hotel - they come to see you and the kids. But it would be fine to ask them to get a hotel if it's too much. But no silently resenting them, that's not fair.

diddl · 26/01/2016 12:14

Why doesn't your husband want to say anything?

Because he's OK with it?

If it's because he thinks thatthey'll take it badly & he'd rather make you put up with it than upset them then it's not OK.

It probably hasn't occurred to them how you feel & if nothing is eversaid then they'll never know!

Ledkr · 26/01/2016 12:20

Mine too, although we do have more room but I find it so stressful and intrusive and on Mondays feel exhausted and like ive not had a break.

They have never once offered to stay in a hotel, just presume they will be at ours.
It's extra hard work when there's a family occasion such as birthdays etc. I even put off gettibg dd christened as I coundby cope with organising it all with guests too!

PolovesTubbyCustard · 26/01/2016 12:29

I would choose a hotel every time unless the hosts had a guest room and spare bathroom.

In fact even then I might choose a hotel. Somewhere to retreat to.

We had guests /family visiting from overseas a little while back and at a push we would have had enough beds/rooms. But one shower and two toilets between six people would get me annoyed.

Hosted one person and booked and paid for a hotel for the other two. I don't care if it makes me not a food host according to mn law. I don't 'do' mucking in and making the best of things.

Still ended up picking up the two guests each morning and bringing them back to my house where I then cooked full breakfasts and entertained until evening when I returned them to hotel.

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