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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think that if you are very good-looking, nice, funny and confident - dating is a breeze for you

35 replies

HannahVonSpannah · 26/01/2016 00:49

My good friend is all of these things and is absolutely loving dating. Men who wouldn't look twice at me are interested in her and she is, of course, very much enjoying it. Good on her I say!

She is fresh out of a great, happy but run-its-course LTR and is looking for someone new, I have no doubt she will find someone perfect in no time at all.

I, OTOH, am struggling! I think I am similar personality-wise to her but nowhere near as good-looking. It grinds my gears a bit as I feel like to have a successful love life, that is essentially the key ingredient. It sounds shallow but of course the pool widens if you are a "catch" and it is much easier to find someone.

I have never had a boyfriend and she finds it so easy. It really is not a problem for her. I don't want it to come between us but I feel like our lives are moving in different directions (terminally single me, very popular her) and it's just shit!

OP posts:

Birdsgottafly · 26/01/2016 01:36

It honestly doesn't make it easier, if you are looking for a LTR.

I'm 47 now, still attractive, but I was gorgeous. What I found happens was that the Men who 'tried' the hardest, got my attention.

I'm just out of a abusive relationship and have been doing the Freedom Course, as well as reading lots of other stuff.

I personally mistook a men being pushy as being really interested, but I've learned that he wasn't picking up clues from me and was disrespecting my boundaries.

Serial dating can be soul destroying, so not having an issue at attracting someone isn't necessarily a good thing.

Atenco · 26/01/2016 04:09

My dd is supposed to be beautiful and she's had a pile shite boyfriends. I think she tends to attract superficial beings who just want to be seen with a pretty girl on their arms.

TheDowagerCuntess · 26/01/2016 04:32

YANBU in a sense, as good looks are an easy hook to at least get the ball rolling.

But it's still no guarantee that you're actually going to meet someone who you genuinely like, fancy, and want to spend time with long-term.

Yes - she has an increased chance of meeting the right person, if she's online dating. Though, as I understand it, OLD is in reality depressing as hell, and fairly soul destroying. So in many ways you're probably better off meeting someone the old fashioned way, even though it's a lot slower.

NoArmaniNoPunani · 26/01/2016 04:49

It might make it easier to get dates but I doubt it makes it easier to find a LTR.

Dreamonastar · 26/01/2016 07:02

I agree! I don't see how I'll ever meet someone. Luckily I don't really want too but every now and again I think it would be nice but I know I'll get no interest online and it IS depressing.

Throwingshade · 26/01/2016 07:07

Well of course good looking people always have the initial advantage, twas ever thus, will ever be thus.

But the women I know who were or are massively popular are definitely the ones with loads of confidence, who own their body whatever shape and size, and - I have to say this - are good at flirting!

I've always been regarded as good looking - I'm allowed to say that now I'm 48 and like birdsgottafly my looks have obviously faded now. But I was always SHIT at flirting and having confidence. I've got the confidence now and I no longer hate my boyish figure.

elQuintoConyo · 26/01/2016 07:10

I look like the back end of a bus and lack confidence, no self esteem whatsoever. I married my first LTR who I met at 23yo. We have been together 17 years.

Yet some gorgeous, sparky, confident 'got their shit together' friends my age are still single.

There's no exact science to it.

I met mine the day after I moved to a foreign country, so my advice would be 'go to Italy'

SSargassoSea · 26/01/2016 07:18

I think I am similar personality wise

I think you are probably not, did you have similar homelives growing up? Do you do similar jobs? Do you have similar hobbies?

It's hard to judge yourself imv.

Confidence and cheerfulness are a big attraction imv more so than looks. Are you sure your confidence etc are the same as hers?

I found my DH when I stopped looking (I was abroad and realized all the men were married with wives back home) - a few days later I bumped into him, I had a very uninterested (datewise) attitude, that worked !

Babycham1979 · 26/01/2016 07:39

OP, I don't want to sound too harsh, but maybe it's this attitude that puts people off?

If you're convinced you're not worthy of attraction, that can certainly be off-putting (as opposed to your friend's self-confidence); also, I wonder if you might come across as a little negative? You're clearly jealous of your friend, and your post sounds a little bitter. Maybe this comes through in some way?

As others have said, looks help with getting initial interest, but make absolutely no difference when it comes to an LTR. One thing I've learnt from MN is that many women seem to hang around at bars/evening classes/OLD sites waiting to be approached. This is a ridiculous approach. If you're not actively approaching men you like, I suggest you do. You'll be amazed by the results. Simple but true.

livingintheNL · 26/01/2016 07:47

I doubt it.

OD seems to just attract people who want someone out of their league.

Most are just shallow bastards.

ageofgrandillusion1 · 26/01/2016 07:58

op you are definitely correct here. Good looking, confident people generally get the better opportunities in life - and that's just the way it is, genetics or whatever. However, there is no point moping about it, just as there is no point denying it. You can't change it, all you can do is focus on becoming comfortable in your own skin. Which isn't always easy.

Peevedquitter · 26/01/2016 08:04

You have answered your own question as looks do count but the end result of attracting lots of potential partners does not mean you attact someone who will be the love of your life.

Birdsgottafly · 26/01/2016 09:42

""she has an increased chance of meeting the right person, if she's online dating. ""

I'm online dating and you get more interest, which means more arseholes, which if your not careful can make the 'not so bad' seem dateable.

CottonFrock · 26/01/2016 09:49

Honestly, OP, leaving aside the issues of looks (yes, obviously, it's easier to attract initial interest especially in the photo-centric world of OLD if you're conventionally attractive), one person's 'nice, funny and confident' is another person's 'all right, I suppose, but kept telling bad jokes and was a bit full of herself'. These things are pretty subjective.

iciclewinter · 26/01/2016 10:06

I don't think comparing yourself to your friend will be helpful to you. You have your own qualities to offer and the right person for you will like you for who you are.

Looks shouldn't be a barrier. If you walk around town you will see people in couples who have various different appearances, some resembling supermodels, and most of us more ordinary!

Where do you usually meet new people? Do you spend your time in bars/clubs where a lot of people might be looking for a potential date on the basis of looks? Or do you attend activities where you share a similar interest with others and can get chatting, and get to know people's personalities?

WhoreGasm · 26/01/2016 10:58

Being good looking can intially make life much easier, but unless you have some brains and self confidence behind the beauty then you can still get treated like crap.

Back in the day, I used to be a bit of a looker, did promotional work in bars and clubs etc. Rarely had to buy my own drinks, and on a quiet night out would maybe only get chatted up 2-3 times?

But between 16-19 I was in a EA relationship with an older bloke who just wanted a very pretty blonde on his arm. I was so miserable much of the time but luckily escaped to university before any serious psychological damage was done.

Once at university I realised I was just as smart as anyone else, and smarter than most. It was that which gave me the self confidence.

Did DH spot me across a crowded dancefloor and find himself burning with desire for my keen grasp of poetical analysis? Like fuck he did. I suspect it was the hip length blonde hair and micro shorts which caught his eye.

ZiggyFartdust · 26/01/2016 11:04

You say you are similar personality wise, and that she is "nice, funny and confident"...but you don't sound very confident. You sound a bit begrudgery and unfair to her, which isn't very nice either.
I don't think natural good looks are what makes all the difference. Making the best of what you have is important, but the main thing is being open, friendly, honest and warm. The vast majority of people in good relationships are not supermodels, very far from it.

Babycham1979 · 26/01/2016 11:09

Haha, I love this MN trope that all men on OLD are aiming for women completely out of their league. Surely, this is the definition of irony??

Somewhere on the net (maybe Return fo Kings), there are those ugly, old guys posting exactly the same about the women that have the cheek to mesage them!

BoomBoomsCousin · 26/01/2016 11:13

I think it's much easier for women who conform to social expectations of "good looking" to get dates. But I don't think being good looking is a particularly good way of ensuring a good long term relationship (or even good one night stands). Agree with PP that flirting is the social skill to perfect. Gives you a way in that lets you "test" your potential partner for compatibility and sets things up as based more on the quality of your interaction than the fact you tick boxes on the visuals.

WorraLiberty · 26/01/2016 11:15

I agree with PPs who say you sound as though you're lacking in confidence OP.

Whilst I'm not keen on overconfidence in people, because there's a fine line between that and arrogance, under-confidence (depending on the level) can be a bit off putting too.

JeanneDeMontbaston · 26/01/2016 11:30

Maybe she's also good at sounding as if she's enjoying herself? I have a friend who's been trying to date people over the last couple of years and, though she's lovely, she gets me down because she expects every single date to be 'the one' - or at least passable - and then is gutted when they're, well, mostly boring or awkward. But that's what dating often is!

I have had some arse-clenchingly dull dates - especially the bloke who literally did not speak unless I asked him a question and had no discernible sense of humour whatsoever, but also wouldn't respond to increasingly desperate hints that I wanted to leave - but I think you have to accept that's going to happen and laugh about it, rather than feeling it's all terrible.

iciclewinter · 26/01/2016 11:32

I would far rather meet an underconfident person than an arrogant one.

ZiggyFartdust · 26/01/2016 11:38

I would far rather meet an underconfident person than an arrogant one

Odd approach, when most people are nicely inbetween.

MorrisZapp · 26/01/2016 11:40

When I was a kid, they used to publish local wedding pics in the paper on a Saturday. I remember thinking blimey, look at all these mingers getting married (shallow teenager alert).

Julia Roberts can't keep a man, Jennifer Aniston has struggled, etc etc. It's true - good looking people can have all the dates and sex they want, the world is their shag buffet. But most women in their thirties and beyond are seeking ltr, and I see no evidence that being attractive makes any difference on that front.

HPsauciness · 26/01/2016 11:50

Looks cannot be the essential ingredient in people getting dates and getting married/LTR, as most people are not that good-looking but do get both. If you walk around our city centre, really good-looking people are in a minority, but there are plenty of ordinary looking couples, in fact, lots are really plain indeed!

I think looks are utterly over-rated if your goal is a LTR with a stable nice guy. The 'prettiest' of my friends have not ended up with the nicest men at all, they may be, on occasion, slightly better looking but not always the kindest or most interesting (though wealthier definitely), but pretty much everyone I know has eventually found someone who they love, makes them laugh and so on, across a huge variety of looks.

I'm sure in the OLD world, you attract a lot of men if you are a good-looking women, but unfortunately they will not all be a prize themselves. I once watched an exceptionally good-looking woman in a bar I was working in one evening, and she was hit on in a really quite awful way by some horrid men- she told me she found it quite hard to meet genuine nice people, and I believed her.

I do believe good looks help at work, make friends and so forth, but looks seem to bring out the worst and most superficial in otherwise nice people. If it were all looks-based Halle Berry would be the winner in the relationship stakes, instead of chalking up yet another failed marriage to an equally good-looking but not great husband.

If you have a good personality, or even if you don't, there's always someone out there- it might be better to ditch OLD if it is denting your self-esteem.

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