to think that if you are very good-looking, nice, funny and confident - dating is a breeze for you

[HannahVonSpannah]

My good friend is all of these things and is absolutely loving dating. Men who wouldn't look twice at me are interested in her and she is, of course, very much enjoying it. Good on her I say!

She is fresh out of a great, happy but run-its-course LTR and is looking for someone new, I have no doubt she will find someone perfect in no time at all.

I, OTOH, am struggling! I think I am similar personality-wise to her but nowhere near as good-looking. It grinds my gears a bit as I feel like to have a successful love life, that is essentially the key ingredient. It sounds shallow but of course the pool widens if you are a "catch" and it is much easier to find someone.

I have never had a boyfriend and she finds it so easy. It really is not a problem for her. I don't want it to come between us but I feel like our lives are moving in different directions (terminally single me, very popular her) and it's just shit!

YABU. Many of my friends are as you describe. Yes they can get dates easier but some of them have ended up with arseholes or commitment phobes. And then some of my less attractive friends have ended up with lovely goodlooking husbands. After the initial attraction part it is no different for good looking people and average people.

I would far rather meet an underconfident person than an arrogant one

Odd approach, when most people are nicely inbetween.

Yes, of course I'd like to meet many people who have an "in between" level of confidence too

The comparison was in reply to Worra who was saying she finds underconfidence can be offputting as well as overconfidence/arrogance. I was saying arrogance is more offputting to me.

I think if you want to meet someone who is (for example) smart, well-read, fit, pleasant, confident, nice dresser, well-groome (etc) then you need to make sure you're that yourself.

So rather than bemoaning what you cant change (eg your physical looks), set about making the most of yourself and making yourself the sort of person that some 'like that' would like. You'll feel more confident then.

Eg, if someone asks 'so what do you like doing in your spare time' you can say 'well, I recently ran a marathon, and I'm looking to do another one in Italy soon'. Much more interesting than "dunno really, just normal things"... See what I mean?

I,m by no means fabulously good looking but I never had a problem getting dates when I was young and single but 8 had a massive problem getting relationships the dates just never seemed to go anywhere 8 met dh when I was 31 and we have been together 11 yrs now but he is my only long term relationship.

I not 8 ffs

Being attractive IS useful in getting dates, definitely. But you don't have to be born beautiful. Most blokes I know can't see past good packaging. ;-)

So... If you want to, work on the things you can control. Weight, hair, make-up, clothes. Whiten your teeth. Change your hair colour. Try fake-tan. Go to the gym or exercise at home as much as possible. Get a really good haircut.

Doing that stuff will make you feel MUCH more confident and attractive too, which will put a spring in your step and make you sassier.

Easier to get dates, just as hard (maybe even harder?) to find a LTR as the pool has been significantly widened.

Has online dating changed much in last couple of years?

As the women I chatted to if they had an even an average pic and half decent profile (their inboxes are overloaded) whereas an average guy can get no hits or profile looks at all.

I'm sure you must have at least one half decent picture of your self somewhere? I'd work on your profile, make it reflect your personality more, write enough to get interest but not everything that you have nothing to chat about, always leave an icebreaker, ask them if they have any hobbies interests?

I met someone kinda randomly offline in the end.

Really, try not to envy your friend and feel sorry for yourself. Look at it this way - she's just ended a long relationship (inevitably painful) and is now looking for some fun. Her criteria are probably different to yours at the moment, as she may not even be keen on another relationship even if the right chap turns up. You are not "terminally single", but you are obviously not getting into date situations and I wonder why not. Do you enjoy chatting to men in real life, or online? Are you shy?

Two things:

1. you get the dates you THINK you deserve, not the ones you actually deserve. That's why you see scrotey, rat-looking, not v nice guys with dressed up to the nines, pretty, sweet girlfriends. Because the scrotey guy thinks he's worth her, and she only thinks she's worth him.

2. Couldn't agree more with this:

*I think if you want to meet someone who is (for example) smart, well-read, fit, pleasant, confident, nice dresser, well-groomed (etc) then you need to make sure you're that yourself.

So rather than bemoaning what you cant change (eg your physical looks), set about making the most of yourself and making yourself the sort of person that some 'like that' would like. You'll feel more confident then.*

Have tried to explain that to people so many times!

I don't think it's always easier, I know a girl who is absolutely stunning and genuinely lovely. She goes out and men won't go near her, they think she's out of their league and don't even try. Out of her friendship group she's by far the most attractive and the only one still single.