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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you tell them, or assume they knew...?

78 replies

shrunkenhead · 25/01/2016 08:42

A friend of a friend has a child with sticky out ears and her eyes dont look the same way... Friend wonders if parents know and are downplaying it or are completely oblivious?! She has asked me WWMND? (What would Mumsnet do?)

OP posts:
Original poster
shrunkenhead · 25/01/2016 12:18

I think my friend was hinting at the idea that a combination of factors may also mean her friend's dd may have SN but she wasn't sure how to mention it. Thanks for all the feedback, especially the helpful comments re her eyes/glasses. I agree about the ears, if they bother the child she can always choose to have surgery and friend should just keep quiet.

OP posts:
Zazedonia · 25/01/2016 12:22

What a ridiculous post. Why point out to the parents something that will have been obvious to them since the child's birth?!

Headmelt · 25/01/2016 12:23

I'm worried I will run out of grips and Biscuit by lunchtime Grin

3sugarsplease · 25/01/2016 12:23

I'm wondering how many more posts until this gets deleted..

Crumpet1 · 25/01/2016 12:25

I have a fb friend who's child's eyes don't look the same way. I'd always assumed she knew as it was so obvious but she's only just noticed last week and started to do something about it.
I'm not sure how you'd mention it without coming across as rude though.

Lindt70Percent · 25/01/2016 12:43

I wondered the same about a mum at school's baby - no sticky out ears but one eye slightly turned and a little more closed. I was genuinely worried there may be a problem that she hadn't noticed because we don't always notice things in people who are close to us (one of my nieces had quite obvious scoliosis that none of us noticed until she was 12, the other niece is very long sighted and no one picked up on that until she was 7).

In the end I asked another mum who was closer to her and she said the mother was aware and was waiting treatment etc. People aren't always nit picking and being unkind, sometimes it is genuine concern.

arethereanyleftatall · 25/01/2016 12:45

Having known a parent (my best friend) who didn't spot her child's disability, I would say parents can definitely be too blinkered to spot stuff. It was soooo obvious to all of us friends that sonething was wrong, but she and her husband were oblivious. It was then really hard to say sonething. All I could think of which was polite was to try to get her to visit the Hv to get him weighed etc. as it happened, she never did, and then he ended up in hospital, on an unrelated matter, and they picked it up then. Approximately 4 months later than should have been, and 4 months of help lost.

Gazelda · 25/01/2016 12:48

Your friend sounds like a gossip. I echo what others have said about dropping the eyes into conversation.
Everything else (including your reference to SN) sounds mean and gossipy. I wouldn't want her as my friend.

WoodHeaven · 25/01/2016 12:49

I would mention the eyes. Diplomatically.
it is possible, ime, for parents not to notice mainly because she sees her child everyday so that's normal. Whereas for someone else, it will jump out.

As for the HV etc.... there are no routine test where I am, you never see the HV after the 2yo check up (if you do see them) and the child might be in very good health so doesn't go to see the GP.
I wouldn't assume that there will be someone else to pick that up

one of my nieces has some issue with her eyes. Her parents didn't pick it. It's her nozy MIL that told them and insisted for the child to be checked up. SIL was adament the child was fine until her GP told her he would referred my niece to a specialist. She refused to believe her MIL

HeavyFrost · 25/01/2016 13:00

Hang on, OP, what SN involve protruding ears? Or is your 'friend' wanting to urge a purely cosmetic intervention on a three year old??? Hmm

If the child has an obvious squint, certainly she should mention it tactfully - squints are quite easily overlooked, and can benefit from early intervention.

My childminder pointed out something about my child's feet to me that I was completely unaware of, and while it turned out to be nothing that needed intervention, the GP took it seriously enough to refer to a specialist, and I was very glad she had said something.

Bunbaker · 25/01/2016 13:03

"No, there are no regular tests in the UK."

There certainly used to be. DD is 15 and was called for an eye test when she was 3. This would have been back in 2004. They discovered that she had astigmatism in one eye and was prescribed glasses.

As a glasses wearer myself I would have taken her for an eye test, but maybe not quite as young as that.

If routine eye tests aren't available any more perhaps new parents should be told that it is a good idea to start taking their children for regular eye tests from a young age, especially those who don't wear glasses/contact lenses because it wouldn't occur to them.

WhenTheDragonsCame · 25/01/2016 13:14

There might not be routine eye tests that are made for you but the advice I got from an optician was that all children should have their eyes tested every year until they are a teenager (not sure of the cut off age) and then every two or three years. As an adult you are supposed to get them checked every three years, I know this because the same optician gave me a right bollocking for not having mine done for much longer.

Original poster
shrunkenhead · 25/01/2016 13:14

Thanks guys for the helpful responses, I dont know why one poster wonders that this thread would be deleted... If I've said something to offend then please tell me. In future I shall ask said friend to join MN herself so I don't have to deal with the negativity!
The reference to SN was in no way gossipy or mean she genuinely wants her friend's child to get whatever help is available sooner rather than later if she does need it.

OP posts:
SomewhereInbetween · 25/01/2016 13:16

Since when did sticky out ears and eye squints mean sen?!? Get a grip OP, begining to think you're a bridge dweller.

Original poster
shrunkenhead · 25/01/2016 13:20

Heavyfrost, I think she was thinking a combination of things gone awry may indicate SN not one particular diagnosis relevant to her ears. I don't know the mother herself, as I said in my OP, she's a friend of MY friend (who I now wish hadn't asked me to bother Mums netting it!). Perhaps I should have posted on a health board rather than in aibu.

OP posts:
looki · 25/01/2016 13:22

I would mention the eyes. My child had a 'lazy' eye but I sort of brushed it off saying it was only when she was tired. When the childminder mentioned it, I realised it was more of a problem than I had thought it was. It turned out that she has very poor vision and now wears (very strong) glasses. I was unaware of the vision aspect

I certainly wouldn't mention the child's ears. Why on earth would you even think to do that?

Micah · 25/01/2016 13:26

re. ears, none of their business.

Sometimes an "eye looking the wrong way" can because of a muscle that needs surgically adjusting. In my friends child it wasn't done until the child was 4, before school, as up till then there was a chance it would revert.

It wasn't correctable with glasses, so it is perfectly possible the child is under medical care, but not old enough for intervention.

Bunbaker · 25/01/2016 13:26

There are some conditions or syndromes where one of the typical traits is how the ears are formed, so I don't think the OP is being deliberately offensive.

Pyjamaramadrama · 25/01/2016 13:27

It's just a strange post op.

Are sticky out ears an indicator of SN? I just don't understand what ear shape has to do with anything other than your friend thinking they're unattractive.

Goingtobeawesome · 25/01/2016 13:28

I doubt mumsnet would do anything given it is an inanimate website which can't actually do anything.

Your post is silly. Your friend is an interfering busybody.

Saying to someone - do you realise your child has a squint, is cross eyed, seems to have eyes that don't work properly, when the parent hadn't asked and isn't struggling with vision or mental capacity issues is just out to make themselves look important imho.

My child had problems. No one knew but me and no one ever pointed them out to me. Plenty of stupid immature looks though when the child was having treatment. I asked many a time if they wanted a photo but funnily enough they never replied.

PolkadotsAndMoonbeams · 25/01/2016 13:29

I think loads of people miss lazy eyes/squints - my parents did with my DSis. When you look back on every photograph of her as a toddler she has one eye half closed Grin

Pebbles574 · 25/01/2016 13:33

As others have said parents are often too close, and changes may be too gradual, to notice changes.

When DS1 was about 18 months old we went on holiday with some friends. Looking at the photos later together I said, "oh, what a shame, DS1 looks a bit cross-eyed in all of these". My friend looked at me a bit hesitantly and then said, 'Well, he DOES have a sort of squint doesn't he, we assumed you'd noticed?' WE HONESTLY HADN'T!!
In our defence, we'd had other stuff going on with my Mum dying of cancer and DH changing jobs etc. I was embarrassed and a bit annoyed at first, but later was grateful that she'd had the guts to say something.
We had DS checked and he had a massive squint, and had surgery within 4 months. Is mostly OK now, but has poor 3D vision.

Ears - entirely different - don't mention!

Notimefortossers · 25/01/2016 13:42

Are you in the UK? When DD was 3 she had a pre-school eye test where they picked up her astigmatism, of which I had no idea. Have they stopped doing these eye tests now?

I think so. My 7 year old was checked routinely before starting school. My 4 year old didn't get the same check. So shortly after she started school I took her myself

3sugarsplease · 25/01/2016 13:45

It's me who thinks it will be deleted.

I think your post is troll like. And I think it's disgusting to post about someone's child appearance. It's quite frankly wrong and also nothing to do with you. If this is true and the parents are aware of the 'sticky out ears' are they going to go around saying.. 'We are aware our child's ears stick out' etc. Also if you are implying a SN issue I'm not sure how this relates to their appearance.

You sound pretty bored too btw..

BeaufortBelle · 25/01/2016 13:47

Ummm. My best friend's little girl had a lazy eye. My DS was six months younger. She was always going to the HV. Cue me saying "has the HV said her eye's nothing to worry about". Cue her "what eye". "er. look, can you see how it trails the other one, squints a bit". "OMG, yes you are right". Went to doctor, referred Moorfields, had a little op (21 years ago). All good. Still best friends. She still tells everyone I noticed and she and her dh didn't.

What I didn't do was talk about it to other people.