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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Would you tell them, or assume they knew...?

78 replies

shrunkenhead · 25/01/2016 08:42

A friend of a friend has a child with sticky out ears and her eyes dont look the same way... Friend wonders if parents know and are downplaying it or are completely oblivious?! She has asked me WWMND? (What would Mumsnet do?)

OP posts:

Blowninonabreeze · 25/01/2016 09:43

I'm not sure I fully understand this thread.

However RE eyes. I would mention something. I know 3 different sets of parents who hadn't noticed their child's squints (2 of them were doctor families!) I think parents can be too close to the child to notice. All 3 ended up with glasses relatively late (4-5 years) and all the mums say they wished they'd spotted it earlier.

That said, I would find a way to go about it carefully and tactfully.

Re ears. Not sure what you're getting at. Sounds spiteful and unpleasant. Unless I'm missing something

Twindroops · 25/01/2016 09:52

Definitely mention the eyes, I didn't notice my daughters squint and was so grateful when someone mentioned it.

tangerinesarenottheonlyfruit · 25/01/2016 09:55

"Health vistors nursery nurse,GP or the parents will pick this up."

That's bad advice if on eyes. The sooner an eye condition like a lazy eye is picked up, the better the potential outcome. My friend's child has eye issues which were picked up when she was a young toddler. She's been wearing glasses for ages now, but they are corrective - they reckon they can actually cure her eye issues and she won't need to wear glasses for life. My DS's eye issues were picked up when he was 5 and he will need to wear glasses for life.

If the DC is 3 now, it could be two years until it gets picked up in reception checks.

BertrandRussell · 25/01/2016 10:11

My children didn't see any HCP except for vaccinations from about 6 months.

If either of them had had an eye issue that I had failed to notice, it would 't have been spotted, unless a teacher did, until they first went to the optician at about 6.

Of course you should mention it. The ears? No.

RNBrie · 25/01/2016 10:17

If the child's eyes do indeed look in different directions and the parents aren't blind themselves then of course they know. A couple of people would casually ask me if I'd had my dd's eyes checked when she was a couple of months old as she had a squint, I know they were just being kind but did they seriously think I hadn't noticed??!

I'm deliberately ignoring the comment about the ears.

Pyjamaramadrama · 25/01/2016 10:22

Are you going to come back op?

Katenka · 25/01/2016 10:22

If your 'friend' is very close to the family and If there is a problem with the child's eyes and the parents haven't noticed then she should say something.

But

I am assuming she isn't very close to them as she would probably know wether they were doing something about it.

So I she should keep out.

As for the ears tell her to stfu

Katenka · 25/01/2016 10:23

I live in the UK the only routine appointments ds had was his hearing test near birth, HV appointments and vaccinations.

No routine eye test

Lweji · 25/01/2016 10:26

Have routine checks been abandoned in the UK?
I don't remember what the schedule was but it should be in the red book.

Medusacascade · 25/01/2016 10:28

My baby was only days old when I noticed she had a mild case of what turned out to be Marcus Gunn.

She went to the we hospital every six months for the first four years before she was discharged. I certainly didn't wave the flag around and talk about it. Doesn't mean it wasn't being dealt with.

Who ever did the eye screening in reception didn't even notice themselves.

Sunbeam1112 · 25/01/2016 10:41

Tangerine do you or parents not take your child/children for regular eye tests and check up? We always went as children, the same with the dentist. Its down to the parent to ensure there children are checked.The fact it wasn't just the childs eyes but ears been judged which makes the post come across as vindictive rather being subjective and concern over a childs well being. The child in question might already be in the progress of been referred. With having a child who has a with eye problems comments such as you need to get that eye sorted or whats wrong with his eye is not necessary constructive or useful.

Sunbeam1112 · 25/01/2016 10:46

Also tangerine i was aware my child was unable to see at 9 months. A mother often picks up on these things. My DS was constantly bumping into things more so that the average child misjudging a door frane. That on top of his eye. condition i made it a priority of mine for a very early age and been back and forth to the hospital eye outpatients for regular checks. Hence why i said parents often pick things up.

Katenka · 25/01/2016 10:52

Have routine checks been abandoned in the UK?

ds has only had is eyes tested when we have taken him. He is almost 5.

Dd (almost 12) never had a routine eye test either.

Neither did I. Mum first took me when I was 5, because my brother had an appointment. So she got my done at the same time.

I never knew there were routine ones in the UK

Alicewasinwonderland · 25/01/2016 10:55

No, there are no regular tests in the UK.

When I booked appointments with a GP for a check up, I was brushed off and looked down, and very much made to feel like I was wasting their time. In other countries, you have regular appointments with a pediatrician. It's beyond me why we have to go abroad to get proper care for our kids.

It's an absolute disgrace. Anyway, anyone worrying about a child should mention it to the parents!

Lweji · 25/01/2016 11:06

Well, this:
Its down to the parent to ensure there children are checked.

My DS has had appointments with the paediatrician just to make sure all is well.
And I took DS, and made the appointments, for the checks mentioned in the red book. I didn't wake for the NHS to make them for me.

Original poster

shrunkenhead · 25/01/2016 11:06

Apologies, I was working. It is a she and yes I'll tell her to gently mention the eye thing in case she does need glasses, however I'm concerned after reading this that she may already have been checked and turns out she doesn't need them and friend doesn't want to embarrass herself iyswim!
I tnought the ear thing was mean but think my friend was looking at the bigger picture and just wanting the best for her friend's child....

OP posts:

hownottofuckup · 25/01/2016 11:12

What did you friend think they should/could do about his ears?

Sunnybitch · 25/01/2016 11:17

Tell her to mind her own buisness and look after her own...

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 25/01/2016 11:25

I failed to notice that DS2 was long sighted and developing a lazy eye. We were taking his older brother for an eye test so we thought we had better get DS2 checked (aged 4). He spent the next 3 years being checked by the eye hospital and had to have one eye patched.

kaitlinktm · 25/01/2016 11:40

My son is now 30. He had to wear glasses at age 3/4 until 10 years - picked up by health checks. Then nothing until he was about 15 when someone wrote him a Christmas card with a joke about not being able to read what was on the board. He hadn't thought to mention it, so I took him back and now he has to wear glasses for driving and general distance.

At about the same age a relative asked when we were going to arrange for him to have his ears pinned back. I taught teenagers at the time and honestly, there was nothing wrong with his ears - I told her he would have it done when she had her mouth sewn up. Cheeky fucker!

Original poster

shrunkenhead · 25/01/2016 11:48

Thanks, Chazs, I do think parents are sometimes blinkered to these things hence why she was wondering whether to say anything or not. I'm not sure why people are being so defensive.... she is simply worried for the child andwondered if there was something else amiss.

OP posts:

StitchesInTime · 25/01/2016 11:49

I would mention the eyes. The parents may not have noticed, especially if it's come on gradually. If there is a problem with the eyes, it's best to know sooner rather than later. Eye tests aren't routine for pre-schoolers round here.

DH had a squint as a small child. He had to have eye surgery to correct it when he was about 2.5 yrs. Because it wasn't picked up and treated soon enough, he lost the ability to see in 3D (not a major problem day to day, but it disqualifies you from certain jobs). But his parents were told that if he hadn't been treated when he was, then he'd have lost the sight in the non-dominant eye completely.

I'd ignore the ears though. That's entirely cosmetic and it would be mean to bring that up.

weebarra · 25/01/2016 12:09

There are definitely routine eye tests in my part of Scotland. They are done in school nursery. Obviously, if a child doesn't attend school nursery the parents would have to arrange it themselves.

goodnightdarthvader1 · 25/01/2016 12:11

Unless the parents also have problems with their eyes, I'm sure they've noticed and your friend should butt out.

Pyjamaramadrama · 25/01/2016 12:12

Ok I understand mentioning a potential eye problem that if missed could result in amblyopia.

But I can't fathom why the ears would be part of the bigger picture or why you'd mention it to parents. What are they supposed to do about her ears?

Can you just imagine if everyone went around pointing them out. "Have you noticed your dd has big ears?", "have you noticed your ds has wonky teeth?".

And parents don't go around explaining these things to people.

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