To ask what wish you knew before you got divorced.

[spad]

I think I am at the start of that road and don't know anything about it.

tia

Apologies if you don't think it is an aibu but would appreciate the traffic.

That trying to get a divorce cheaply is a false economy. I would have saved a lot of money if I had gone with a local solicitor who I could talk to face-to-face rather than having emails going back-and-forth (for which I got charged an extortionate amount!).

That having child-free time is actually wonderful, after having an upsetting first few times.

That I would come to seriously dislike my ex and he would stoop lower than I had imagined in my wildest dreams he would.

That I would need my parents and friends so much, to offload and try to make sense of what I was doing.

That I would miss having someone to talk to about the random small things that happen during the day.

That I would feel so much better!

As someone who's parents divorced whilst I was in my late teens;

Behave like the adult you are, with some dignity and care for others caught up in the mess.

Don't bad mouth the other parent in front of the children no matter how you feel.

Don't go back to court 15 years after the divorce using some financial loophole to get more money. It hurts your children just as much as the first time round.

That you'll be angry, sad, happy, scared and exhilarated all in one day sometimes.

That you can do it yourself if you want. It doesn't have to cost the earth.

You'll lose friends. People who you never thought would betray or pick the other one will. Soon you'll pass them in the street like you never even knew them.

That sometimes lonliness is crushing. But other times being alone is freeing and wonderful and everything you imagined.

I wish I had known that most of family and friends thought my exh wasn't good for me and could see he was a dick who was making me feel ill. I feared I wouldn't have their support but in fact they were brilliant and continue to be so.

I wish I had left earlier, instead of tying myself in knots to try to make it work when he couldn't give a shit.

I wish I'd known:

• Not to have trusted him a single millimetre
• That I should have emptied in the joint bank account before he did (a common tale)
• that he would lie and lie about paying child support and helping with 2 mortgages - instead of leaving me to pay everything
• that he would send abusive emails to me for 2 years
• that he would block every single attempt to get the pension allocation the judge awarded me - 4.5 years later I still don't have it.
• that underneath, he really was, and is, a nasty, spiteful, vengeful twat
• that some 'friends' really do disown you and look down upon you and judge you - despite not knowing the full story
• that solicitors are generally a total waste of money

I'm so glad I'm now divorced and rid of him.

Two things for me.

I wish I'd known xdh's relationship with his kids is his responsibility and the kids know that.

That I'd hidden my misery and tension so well over the years that everyone thought I was happy being married to a twat.

Purple excellent post. That sums it up for me as well.

In fact when I finally opened up to people about how I felt they all said "we wondered when you'd get fed up with him/his behaviour".

How would I find out if I signed a clean break form?
I don't think I did and no mention of it on my papers , would you keep a copy of clean break paperwork?

I did know this, but don't recklessly throw away/burn all your sentimental things from your marriage. I kept my wedding album, I have so far never looked at it since the split, but I know that one day I might want to see those photos again. We had a lovely wedding day, despite what came later. We were surrounded by friends and family, and I looked gorgeous, if I do say so myself. When I'm 80 I might want to remember that.

I guess what I'm saying is, unless there has been terrible betrayal or wrongdoing by your ex or you were miserable for the entire relationship, don't let the divorce taint all your happy memories. Those memories are still valid and still part of who you are, don't let the split steal those moments of joy - in life we don't always get enough of them. With a bit of distance from the horrible legal stuff I can see that we had many many good times before things went south and someday I might want to think about those times rather than the more recent and unpleasant ones.

My husband walked out when I was collecting kids from school. No goodbye and no reasons. Just left like a winless jellyfish. A coward. He left our 4 children and went into the arms of another women. He was cheating on me. Again. He now lives with her and her kid. I need to divorce him but why should I have to pay to be free from him when he left. When he was the cheat.

Going through a messy divorce too. My ex really is a manipulative lying debt ridden gambling addict, (only found out about the gambling ages after he left) and my darling child and I are much better off emotionally and financially without him. My advice is keep a diary of when you try to arrange access and keep all texts and emails, so you have evidence that you have tried. Find a good solicitor, preferably by personal recommendation and be completely honest with them. Don'tbe surprised when friends desert you because they believe your ex's lies all over Facebook where his teenage daughter can read them. And remember you are stronger than you think.

Oh and each time debtors phone chasing his debts, make a note of which company and always pass on their new details if you can.

Get your paperwork sorted. Make copies of everything, particularly financial information.
Get legal advice from a solicitor who is a member of Resolution.
Resolve as much as possible through talking and mediation rather than solicitor's letters. You'll save a huge amount of money.
Don't be generous. I have two friends who were too generous in agreeing the financial settlements and they both regret it.

Things I wish I'd known

• we'd just sold a house & made £, he cleared out the bank account.
• he'd lie, more than I thought anyone could lie, to my family, his family, our friends, basically everyone to make me look as bad as possible.
• I submitted divorce papers. He lied to the court & then blackmailed me with monetary threats.
• that he'd ingnore the agreed split of pocessions & take things I valued
• that he'd appear once the divorce was finalised specifically to gloat over me & reveal that all the while he'd been living with someone I'd thought of as one of my best friends. she had been lying to me for months.

Basically the other person will lie. They will lie so much you'll wonder how they're still there not burned to death by their lying pants on fire.

Be prepared financially.
Move out evey pocession you value & want.

Never speak to them, demand everything on email that way you have a record of everything sent.

Good luck

That you could lose half a dozen or more people who you thought loved and cherished you.

I lost 8 people in one day. My inlaws literally never spoke to me again.

It was honestly dreadful.

I wish I'd known how expensive and heartbreaking the process was going to be.
I wish I'd known how lonely times like Christmas would be.
I wish I'd been able to foresee the positives of living alone.
I wish I'd known how great my new career and independence would be.

This.
Especially the heartbreaking. My youngest was devastated. 15 years ago and I still feel his pain.

Not a fan of the man, but he actually made me think carefully before I asked for a divorce. I am very happily divorced, but I wish I had been better prepared for the battle getting harder. I wish I had learnt that they are always in your life, probably more so. I recommend a contract that gets reviewed every few years. Children grow and lives change.

drphil.com/articles/article/23

read the article on parenting too:

drphil.com/articles/article/242

good luck

Trust your solicitor over your soon-to-be ex.

I thought I was being fair by splitting the money from the sale of the family home 50/50 as we were sharing custody 50/50. My solicitor told me to keep the house then sell it when my son gets to 18 and split the money then. I wish I'd done that.

Fast forward a few years, I have a massive mortgage and an ex who lies to the CSA and CMO saying he doesn't earn enough to pay maintenance (while owning several apparently expensive cars)

Bitter? Yes, a bit if I'm honest, but mostly I feel stupid for being so trusting that my ex would actually keep his promises

totally agree all your friends whom you thought would always be there for you drop you like a hot potato. Not before getting all the details though:( and in laws etc etc. Sometimes that is not a bad thing.

Listen to your solicitor and the path of least resistance will generally not be the best solution for you. When your ex wants an amicable divorce they mean to suit them.

Your ex will most likely become great takingly greedy over money and tell all sorts of lies. Being made redundant is a common ploy.

Remember emails, text, any social media can be used in court against you.

It's so expensive you will not believe it.