To ask what wish you knew before you got divorced.

[spad]

I think I am at the start of that road and don't know anything about it.

tia

Apologies if you don't think it is an aibu but would appreciate the traffic.

I hope you're ok, spad.

I think my 'I wish' ones are quite trivial, but I could have avoided some of them quite easily, so here they are:

• I wish I hadn't felt so guilty or that it was 'my fault' for leaving. There was fault on both sides and I let him keep an awful lot of stuff because I felt like 'the bad person'.

• I wish I'd anticipated how unsupportive my family would be. I should have known, but they were bloody awful and it would have been better if I'd been more open-eyed about that possibility before it hit me.

• I wish I'd realised how caring and lovely my friends are. I didn't expect little things to make such a huge difference, but they really did. Especially having people around who kept telling me it would be fine.

• I wish I'd realised that it wasn't the end. I look back and wonder why I put up with giving so much and getting so little back.

Something I realised (for me, sure it doesn't hold for everyone) is that you have to work at feeling better: maybe you get counselling or see your GP if you feel awful, but you have to keep pushing yourself and remembering that although it feels appalling, in the scheme of things happening in the world, it really isn't that bad and you can get through it.

I wish I'd known -

How massively expensive and lengthy it can be, if you can't agree on finances, even if you have no kids.

You can be expected to pay spousal maintenance even if you have no kids and your spouse has worked throughout your marriage and is still able to work.

Your spouse (if they initiate the divorce) can "shop around" for a Court to hear the divorce - in my case this meant expensive travel for me and my lawyer and an expensive Barrister in a Court in London despite neither of us ever having lived anywhere near London.

If the process is taking a crazy amount of time there is nothing you can do and no-one to complain to. When I asked about it the Court said the delay (over 1 year after all paperwork was ready etc) was because the Court and my spouse's Barristers were having trouble matching their diaries up - when I asked if there was anyone to copmplain to I was told no (after being ignored for several requests).

It gets better, and you'll be surprised how quickly.

How differently I felt about various things - for example when I finally left the marital home that I really loved, I expected to cry, but actually just felt relief it was over.

Wish I had known that I actually would like being single and unattached.

Wish I knew that my children actually suffered much more during the bad years of my marriage, then they did when we eventually separated and divorced.

Would second what notenough said re: clean break. But it does work both ways: neither party can pursue for changes/additional financial support.

I wish I'd known how long it would drag on using Wikivorce! Teach me to be a cheapskate. If I'd used an actual solicitor I'm sure they'd have got me a better deal and would be done a lot quicker. I hadn't realised what all the different parts of the divorce were (decree nisi, absolute, consent order, financial order etc), but the Wiki solicitor didn't really explain what was happening, what happened next or whose responsibility it was to chase things along when they didn't happen. Lots of lost emails and correspondence etc. Still haven't sorted the financial order after 3 years!

Otherwise, I wish I'd known that I AM perfectly capable of running a home by myself - my ex dealt with all the paperwork/finances and always implied that I was too irresponsible to be allowed access to it.

Funnily enough since we split I am much better off financially, ex pays maintenance at the CMS rate; I deal with my own accounts for my business/self employed income tax etc. as well as dealing with household finances; I have shopped around for good deals on insurance, bills etc.; have arranged a new mortgage rate saving me hundreds of ££s; have retrained in a new job which fits around my DCs and I manage my money to make sure we have lots of nice things while not being in debt.

I wish I'd known that all men were NOT like XH! He tried to tell me that his coldness and lack of empathy were just man-traits and that I'd never find someone who would love me the way I needed him to. I found someone wonderful who is warm, thoughtful and giving in every way.

I wish I knew that I would come to relish my nights without the DCs! The first few times they were with their dad I cried my eyes out - this wasn't what I wanted, he had never shown an interest in them before the split and now he was taking them away for 2 nights in a row! That wasn't what I'd expected. The 2 nights thing didn't last long - once he'd made his point it became one night at a time and now that means I have a night out with my DP or friends every week without needing a babysitter.

It took years of angst about the effect it would have on everyone to come to the decision to split. I wrote out best-case and worst-case scenarios about staying and leaving to try and weigh it up. It turns out that the best case scenario happened, I am happy, ex is happy, DCs have coped very well with the change in the main and have benefits to the separation due to happier parents and more disposable income in their main home, as well as some proper time with their dad every week. It was a good decision. I wish I'd known that.

I wish I knew that inactivity is as bad and can be as upsetting as fighting. ExH did nothing with consent order documents for 15months ( yes really) and the returned them incorrectly signed so they have to be done again. It is not a tactic on his part he is just rubbish. For the sake of our DD not matter how angry this makes me I have to swallow this.
That staying in the family home is not always the best thing and there is a huge amount to be said for a totally fresh start in a new home.
That no matter how much of a shit your Ex is your children are likely to be loyal to them and that biting your tongue with your children is the best thing for them.
The view from the moral high ground is the best do everything in your power to stay there. Through out it all ( it has been pretty nasty at times) I have aimed to be able to look DD in the eye when she is an adult and say I tried to always do what was best for her.

I wish I'd know how much I'd enjoy living on my own, I'd never done it before. I was terrified - about finding somewhere to live, having enough money, doing stuff I'd never done before.
You can't plan for it but I was amazed at the kindness of strangers, in so many different situations.
I wish I'd know how many people would make my divorce about them! It's infuriating. I spent far too much bloody time telling my friends and certain family member that it would all be okay and that I was sorry for what they were going through, that inevitably things would change but it could hardly be helped! (still not completely over that). I've also lost a couple of "friends" who never stopped telling me how unreasonable I was being to want out, and that "surely if you tried harder" things would improve.
I wish I'd know that I didn't need to worry about crashing hopelessness and despair when the absolute came through the door as my Mum had told me I would. I bawled. And I felt free.
I wish I'd known that I'd fall in love again and be really truly happy. That we'd plan the life I've always wanted and I wasn't stupid or wrong for wanting more than my crappy marriage.
I wish I'd known that in a relatively short amount of time I'd go from fearing my Exh to feeling sorry for him. He's pathetic and it wasn't my fault he made our lives so miserable.
I'm glad I stopped being paralysed by fear of changing things and getting out, having another chance at a happy life.
I wish you well OP. Some things will be easier and some harder, but if you're at this stage a change is probably better than staying in a life that isn't worthy of you.

I wish I'd known how unsupportive my 'friends' and family were going to be. You certainly learn a lot about people when you are going through a bad time.

I wish I'd known how much it would cost (financially). It wouldn't have changed anything but I would have been better prepared.

I wish I'd have known that 5 years later I would be very very happily married and have the baby I thought I'd never have. If I'd known that, I wouldn't have worried so much that I was ruining my life! Good luck OP.

I'm going through a very messy divorce right now!

I wish I'd known....

How many so-called friends would side with my ex and blame me without even asking me what happened (emotional abuse and control)

Just how much my inlaws hated me, would blame me for everything and lie about me to a solicitor.

That my ex would still be playing games - not signing papers until forced to, igoring requests to skype, threatening to come up and take ds then suddenly changing his mind, contesting the divorce as 'it's not fair I'm divorcing him'.

Because of the above - this whole thing is taking so long!!!

That I'm so much stronger than he made me feel.

That I'd be so relieved to be out and know that ds is safe.

That my ex can lie about me, twist the truth, but he's not going to beat me down again, or terrify me into thinking he'll hurt ds.

That the new friends I've made know what's happening and they are so kind. They let me cry, they show up with nappies when I've had no maintenance, they are gentle with ds.

That the CSA is utterly rubbish, and exhausting and a scathing letter from the solicitor can result in sporadic maintenance!

And finally, like many - I wish I'd done it sooner. He and the PIL took all my confidence. But I'm getting it back. And I'm going to be ok.

Good luck OP.

I wish i had known have bloody expensive a divorce is. I have zero savings left and live from month to month, that is stressful.

How i felt so much stronger for being the one to have initiated it - my exh will see this one day, even if he'll never own up to it.

I wish i had known that my mum was going to be so supportive of me going alone with my 2 DDs (even though we have shared parenting 50/50 with my exh). I didn't realise she knew just how unhappy i was.

I wish i hadn't left everything in the house he bought me out of and lied and cheated behind my back with his lawyer on the worth of our family home cheating me out of thousands & thousands of euros

One piece of advice i have followed is do not become bitter. I think of this every day. I don't want bitterness ruining my new life. Whats done is done. That is very hard but once accepted, it makes everything so much easier to accept (re reading this through, it sounds like i'm bitter. I'm not. That last lie though about our house hurt me so much).

I would have liked to have done it sooner, but it wasn't the right time.

I wish I had known what a complete ar$e my ex was going to be and how difficult he was going to make the whole thing. I also didn't realise how expensive it was going to be.

What I actually did know, and did : A good (expensive) lawyer is worth every single penny

Its amazing how many people think they can do it on the cheap. They Always get shafted

If you are thinking about divorce its already over

I wish I had done it sooner...

That's a bit harsh, lily - people don't necessarily 'think they can do it on the cheap'. Some of them can't afford an expensive lawyer.

This is unlikely to be relevant to the OP, but it is something I would like to have known before, and something I wonder about, not being sure if it's simply the law not having been updated, or a conscious choice by someone: you can't cite adultery with someone of the same sex. That is, if you want to divorce your husband or wife on grounds of adultery, the government website claims it must be with 'someone else of the opposite sex'. Odd, huh? I guess it will change at some stage, now you can be married to someone of the same sex.

www.gov.uk/divorce/grounds-for-divorce

I also wish I'd known that divorcing someone on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour doesn't really mean that at all.

For weeks I had the paperwork on the table and couldn't bear to put pen to paper and relive the whole sorry nightmare. I called a lawyer for advice - no DC, I'd already moved out, hardly anything to fight over - and he said if I had more time than money to file it all myself, and that all I needed to put for the reasons (I certainly wasn't going to wait for 2 years, though you can) was that we hadn't got on for ages, no sex, hadn't shared a bed, and that I'd then moved out.

It was a few short factual lines. And, while it might have been cathartic to get all of the actual shit that he'd done on paper, doing what the lawyer said meant I didn't actually detail the unreasonable behaviour and xh had nothing to bitch about so signed everything straight away and we were done and dusted in about 5 months.

Thanks notenoughbottle

I wish I'd known how expensive it was and I wish I'd done it much, much sooner!

It takes a long time (passive aggressive ex like Fidelia) coming up 3 years for me now.

Whoever had an affair (if relevant) loses respect from everyone around you even if it seems the opposite.

You really do not know the person you are divorcing and they will do stuff that astounds you.

That I'd have been better staying on my own than getting into a rebound relationship - that was the one that undid my mental health.

That I should have made better arrangements for sentimental things like shared photo albums and holiday souvenirs! I left them all and wish I had some of them now.

That it's better to be happy alone than miserable with a husband.

That it's an amazing opportunity to remember who you really are.

That however much you think you're partner wouldn't do -insert as appropriate- they will

That you must quietly fight for a fair share and not throw in the towel to get it over with quickly , avoid conflict etc.

That being single has many many advantages and is a peaceful lovely life

What an inspiring thread. I've cried all the way through it, all your wise words. I'm due to leave this week. Thank you

Good luck, ladyloriana. Sending you wishes for strength over the coming week.

I wish I'd done it sooner, dragged it for 7 long years - we'd both have been better and a lot less pain.

Marriage second time round is so much better.

Good luck to all those going through it now.

Once the ball starts rolling, things get progressively messier.

People who you've thought you know well for long periods of time withdraw or take a side.

You never really know anyone.

Financially one pot needs to divide and things have to give on all sides regardless of who said/ did what to whom. Each will get a bigger bit of pot if this can be acknowledged early on and both parties can find a way to mediate.

Getting past divorce is an amazing feeling with a whole spectrum of emotion.

A fast clean divorce may not financially have been the best thing but emotionally it did least damage and life got to move on quickly with less impact on the children (but our pot was pretty non existant so that helped).

Friend ended up going to relate when they decided to divorce. Helped them both learn how to deal with childrens feeling. Let them both get their ducks in a row.

That telling everyone our reasons for divorcing were private (except 1 or 2 friends) actually works and less information for some means healing takes place faster. This was exh idea and it worked with all the family, some were desperate to bring out the knives and we gave them nothing to work with.

There was no abuse though and it may not be right for marriages where abuse is a factor.

Walking away, getting breathing space, leaving clashes and texting later is the best way to deal with miscommunication, wilful or otherwise.

Having lines in the sand which are about putting the children first, makes decision making straightforward. None of my decisions are about his wellbeing, only about the children. If he benefits then fine, if not then also fine.

I didn't need a man, I wanted a champion (spot the film reference). And I now have one (most of the time).

I wish if known how fucking amazingly strong I am!

And how 'close' friends (the partnered ones) scarper like cockroaches. Nothing says years of friendship like a friend thinking you want to shag her husband. Lots of friends disappeared on that basis. Which is a heartbreaker (as much as a broken to bits marriage actually.) Because you do assume your friends will know you're not and nor have you ever been, that way inclined.