Am I completely in the wrong here?

[pandaslikesnow]

Have been in a relationship for nearly 2 years. Generally happy, few ups and downs. He's been off work for the last couple of months (financially not a major problem, as he was expecting a gap between last job and next one, and planned accordingly, but obviously as time goes on it becomes a bit boring/frustrating), I've been under a fair bit of work/home related stress, resulting in me being signed off for a short period. I'm back at work now and finding it hard going, but slogging on - due to start counselling soon, which I hope will help. So we both have 'stuff' going on.

We both have DC, and our own homes. He has his DC EOW - this weekend was his 'free' weekend, so he came up to mine on Friday. However I had a longstanding arrangement (arranged whilst he was there, pre-Xmas) to meet up with some friends yesterday for the afternoon (actually with travel time etc I ended up being out for about 7 hours, during which he was at mine).

On Friday eve, we had a couple of drinks, and things got a bit amorous in the bedroom. We don't often DTD when my DC are at home (noise etc) so we didn't progress things, but apparently I said let's go to yours tomorrow eve and continue where we left off etc.

When I got back yesterday he seemed a bit tired/bored etc. I'd honestly completely forgotten about going to his (busy day, lots of gossip/chat with friends, and my previously fairly agile brain still feels sluggish after my time off, I'm not concentrating or remembering things as I normally would) and suggested plans that involved staying at mine.

Ok, my bad. I don't know why I forgot, it wasn't deliberate, and indeed for some reason I was thinking to myself we'd go to his tonight (Sunday) as I can get to work relatively easily from there, and my DC are mid/late teens, so old enough to be left overnight/get up for school.

He agreed to my plans, then today has been a bit distant (I've been busy doing housework, laundry etc which I didn't have time to do yesterday) and finally when I asked if I'd upset him, it all came out that he'd thought we were going to his, we hadn't, I never make the effort to go to his etc.

In the interests of full disclosure, we've had 'discussions' about me not spending much/any time at his before, I have said I'd try and do more, but honestly one thing and another has got in the way - Xmas, work, needing to be here first thing to let in builders, meeting at DC school - and at no point since we last had words about it before Xmas has he suggested I come to his. Ok, it's not ALL down to him, but really is it all down to me?

Like I tried to explain to him, I was signed off work because I can't organise or prioritise my time, making me stressed, so digging me because I've not remembered to come to his (and he hasn't reminded me) just feels shit.

I asked if he thought I 'forgot'deliberately yesterday, and he said he did, which I found really hurtful, it felt like he doesn't know me at all if he thinks I'd be that calculating.

Am I totally in the wrong here? He's gone home (alone) now btw.

I'm with the others who commented that it seems like he's testing you. YANBU. He's seems pretty childish in wanting you to be the one to remember, especially when you've been to the Drs regarding cognitive / memory issues. Plus he's not working currently, not got kids living with him so seems like it'd be easier for him to fit in with you... Maybe that is what he is resenting? But sulking at you like this is not very reasonable and is rather unattractive.

I've not said we can't do anything at my house if DC are there - HE prefers not to. Which, like I said, is up to him. I don't have any problem with that, and sometimes we do anyway, lack of sex isn't really an issue for either of us.

The only problem with midweek is if (as has been the case recently) I have to go to another office for work (so I need to be at my home station for 7 or something), or I have a before school meeting at DC school, or tradesmen/repairmen to let in, etc. As he has his DC 1 weeknight a week, and does a sport 1-2 nights a week, it's really only 1 midweek night that I could go to his anyway, and sods law it's been the day before most of these things.

I don't dispute I could probably try harder and do more. Equally, he could remind me. Yes that's not his job, but we're meant to be a team, and as I am struggling with things at present, I clearly need him to do that.

It sounds like he's a bolt on to your life not an equal relationship, sounds like he is invested in the relationship but you are only invested in your life.

He doesn't have his DCs full time so perhaps it doesn't occur to him that you have a second full time job at home with yours and you can't just drop everything and attend to him.

He feels uncomfortable having sex while your teens are in your house too.

I would be inclined to suspect he doesn't understand that you and your teens are sort of a package deal, or he resents that you are their full time hands-on parent.

I would also suspect he feels a bit resentful about you making time for your friends.

I would be inclined to put his reaction down to jealousy, or immaturity about sharing you with others to whom you have a connection or outright obligations, to be frank.

I don't think you should be trying to reassure him. I think this would be pandering to something that is not healthy. I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. I think he is actually being unreasonable, and I think he needs to be challenged.

I'm a FT working single parent, I have a lot on my plate, and I am struggling (and frankly have been for a long time).
This is where you are . This is your reality -- THE reality. He needs to understand this is your starting point and deal with that.

Why did his marriage or previous relationship(s) break down?

How often do you have before school meetings and have to let tradesmen in, FFS it's all excuses. You're using this bloke, give the poor bloke up, let him find someone who isn't using him.

I don't want him to feel like a bolt on to my life. However I'd been single for a fair while before I met him, and I'm probably still getting used to balancing my time between him, work, friends, DC, and then all the other stuff like exercise, housework, house maintenance etc.

I don't know how many posters are single parents, but managing a relationship when you already have DC can be pretty tricky. I'm lucky in that my DC are older, and fairly independent and resilient, but I still feel guilt when I do things that don't involve them (even though I know they don't want to be hanging out with their mum and her boyfriend), or that take me away from home overnight - that's the same guilt I feel when I go away with work also, I should add. It's not just related to my relationship.

I am a single parent of teens, and I have an inkling of how busy life can be, not just in practical terms but in terms of how much mental space you devote to keeping the home front ticking over. This is something your BF doesn't have to deal with at all even though he is a parent.

When you have had your children living with you full time all their lives you don't stop being the parent just because your teens can make themselves dinner or get themselves up and out, and any man I considered dating who expected me to let my DCs get on with it in order to devote more time to him to any extent would be shown the door.

He needs to accept your reality, Pandas.

Did jealousy or unreasonable demands or self absorption play a part in the breakup of his marriage or other relationships?

I don't think you are using him. I think you and he have different expectations of this relationship, and it will go nowhere as long as he won't see your life as it is and not as he wants it to be. You can't snap your fingers and turn yourself into a 100% available woman. You are not that woman.

I don't understand the harshness here. Op is a working single mum with her kids always there. She is stressed and trying to juggle loads.He hasn't been working for a few months and only has his kids eow and one night a week. Sounds like he could do with being a little less passive aggressive.

Bless you, you sound like you've got too many balls in the air and are making a great job of keeping them all up there. Here your DC have got a great mum as has your DP.

• DP a great other half not mum!

To be honest I can see why he's a bit pissed off. Because from his perspective you can remember an arrangement you made back in December to meet up with friends, but not one made less than 24 hours ago to spend time at his house.

Apologies are meaningless if nothing tangible changes.

I agree there, Merry, and less possessive too.

So he is out of work and he is bored and he is feeling sorry for himself -- it's not Panda's job to keep him entertained or boost his ego.

Poor panda has had health issues that should be taken into account here. She sounds as though she is under a lot of stress which can affect your memory. Also good for her having a girlie day out.

YABU imo. He isn't asking you to live with him or promise him particular days at his house. He's asking for you to put some thought into your relationship.
You live 30 miles apart so he travels that distance regularly to see you and you 'forget' to repay the favour.
I appreciate you're not at your best right now, but this is something that is easily fixed - just make some plans with him at his house and stick to them. Put a reminder I your diary / calendar if that helps. Do not berate him for not reminding you (it would have been nice if he had but as you said, it's not his job to remind you something arranged the day before).
From what you've said, your DP is nice, supportive and generally on your side, he just wants you to meet halfway.

Panda it does sound like you have a lot going on and thats what I meant when I said he sounds like a bolt on. You sound genuinely sorry for what happened - maybe you do need to prioritise what you are doing and try and cut some bits and pieces out to make life less stressful however only you know how much or how little you can cut out.

I'm kind of relieved not everyone thinks I'm completely U. I know I was wrong, but he could've reminded me, or (on other occasions) have arranged something at his.

The default, rightly or wrongly, because there's been nothing specifically arranged at his, or local to him, meaning we need to stay there, is for him to come to me. And being selfish, yes that suits me, because whilst I'm at mine I get to see my DC, can bung on a washload, run the hoover round, do my washing up, make my breakfast or lunch for work..basically keep on top of things that I couldn't if I wasn't here.

Remembering the meeting with my friends...well, it was set as a calendar appointment on my phone, so I got a reminder, and written in my diary, and I've had weekly texts from them about arrangements since Xmas. Conversely, I recently had to go for a fasting blood test (no food/drink 12 hours before). So I'd say to myself 'I'll go first thing tomorrow before work' and then it would be 10pm and I'd have some toast, and only once I'd eaten it think 'oh fuck'...and do the same the next night, and the next. Took me nearly a fortnight in the end to remember not to eat or drink after 8pm. So it really isn't just limited to him (and the blood test was important, my GP kept chasing me about it, so I knew I needed to go!).

I think when I said a rota, I basically meant more like sitting down with calendars and planning a few nights at his over the next month or so. Hopefully we can do that once the dust has settled.

I know it's not his job to remind me - but if he had, we wouldn't have had this disagreement (albeit the underlying issue of me not being at his often enough would still have been there...but possibly that could have been an opportunity to mention it under calmer circumstances. Who knows, hindsight is a wonderful thing of course).

I agree with MrsLupo here.

If it's not his job to remind you, is it his role to sulk and play the injured party?

He sounds like a good deal of extra work. He plans nothing for any occasion you might be with him at his home, and seems to hold it against you when you don't guess what he wants or drop everything that is on your To Do list when he is at yours. You seem to resent that he has no plan - do you get the impression that he wants you to come up with ideas?

Honestly OP, if he had arranged something on other occasions would you really have gone? I suspect even if he had you would have found a reason not to go. You seem to have a barrage of excuses for not going. You want him to suggest going and make arrangements but you seem to resent him as putting pressure on you when he does because you have other priorities. He can't really win can he? You're very clear that you have lots of commitments which stop you going but you also expect him to constantly suggest going to his. If he did I'm sure you'd be irritated that he kept asking you when you were too busy.

And I do think that given this was the first time since you discussed it at Christmas that the subject came up and you let him down again despite traveling to spend a long period of time with other people, he really does have a right to feel somewhat aggrieved.

In all honesty I'm reading your posts and he is right down your list of priorities behind a lot of other things, children, work, friends, socialising. I really think it would be kinder for you to end this relationship and think about staying single until your children have left home and you have more time to commit to a relationship. You're stringing him along.

'FFS it's all excuses. You're using this bloke, give the poor bloke up, let him find someone who isn't using him.'

Fuck me. Talk about harsh and uncalled for (& pretty wide of the mark too on the basis of what we know from here). OP has reiterated over and over that she is currently unwell and that her current state of MH makes life even trickier than it already is (being a FT working LP 24/7, 7/365, is a bloody hard act to deliver just on it's own) so maybe laying into her isn't the best of plans?

I think he was a bit of a twat for not just saying on Saturday night 'righteo, so we're off to mine now' - seems incredibly childish to not have done so and then sulk today.

Here OP, have some and I hope you get a good night's kip before the whole shebang of life starts again tomm morning.

this is one of those posts were AIBU is the wrong question. The two of you haven't communicated well about this weekend. View this argument as a reminder that you need to pay more attention to your relationship. I get how this can slip - I'm a single parent and attention disordered too.

Fidelia, have you actually read what I've posted? I HAVE apologised! Several times. My first reaction when he pointed out I'd forgotten and the plan was to go to his, was to say sorry. It was only after that I thought to myself why didn't he remind me? and said that to him.

He chose to go home, rather than us get into a massive row, which as I said is fine with me. In a few days when he's ready to talk it through, or just to talk, then I'll be happy to sit down with him, and bring my diary so we can go through and block out a few nights at his over the coming weeks. I don't think hounding him now would be of any benefit. I have apologised to him, and we've agreed we'll talk further shortly. So I'm being respectful of that.

He's not below friends or socialising in my list of priorities. I rarely go out. Prior to Sat, I'd not been out or seen friends since before Xmas (and the last time I did, he came with us). I'm not out every night, or even every week. I don't have the time or energy.

Very rarely do I make excuses not to go to his. I went there a couple of nights over Xmas, and the last time was about 3 weeks ago. I do go there, and there have been times where I've suggested it, rather than leaving it to him to arrange. It's not like I never go there. Plus, as mentioned, we only see each other a few nights each week in any event.

Oh FFS - why didn't he just say - "are we going to mine now or shall we wait till after dinner". And you could have said "shit! Sorry - I forgot - I'll just go and grab a toothbrush and my best pants."

If I want to "be tested" I will sit in a big hall and be told ""you can turn your papers over now". Otherwise I expect the person I love and who is supposed to love me to assume that my intentions are good and to work with me to make the two of us as happy as possible.

Honestly I wish he had said aren't we going to mine, or something.

If he had, and I'd demurred, then I think it would be entirely fair for him to be pissed off with me.

I don't think he did it to test me, I think he'd decided in his own mind that I didn't want to go, so there was no point asking. Which he was wrong about.