To not let DS quit?

[HuskyHound]

Looking for some advice here ...

DS is 6 .

He started dancing when he was 18 months old ; he decided at age 4 that he no longer liked it and wanted to quit . I listened to him and accepted why he no longer liked it (stretches hurt him and he was bored).

So I let him quit - no problem . He quit having passed a good few exams .

He then started a self defence class . I feel this has really enhanced his confidence . It's also really good exercise and he loves it when he achieves the next step .

He has also made friends and he is well liked in his class .

Over the last few weeks , he has started playing up when it's time to go, having tantrums etc and saying he hates it .

When he gets to the class , he participates and does well . It's not really a fun class as its disciplined , but he tries hard and enjoys the praise .

The issues seem to be around when we tell him to switch off his games console / put toys away etc so we can get ready to go to class.

He has now told me he wants to quit ; he says he is tired and doesn't like going .

I've agreed to let him change classes to an earlier one and also agreed he doesn't have to go as often , but I'm not keen to let him quit completely .

I know he will want to sit around playing his games console instead .

I feel he gets a lot from his class , as well as exercise , and think he should stick to it .

AIBU?

My rule is: choose well, because you'll HAVE to go for a year. If, after a year, you decide it's not for you, fine.
You have to go swimming twice a week. I don't care if you're tired, cold, haven't finished your homework, you're going, swimming is non-negotiable.

Swimming twice a week non negociable? Bloody hell.

And a year???? Double bloody hell!

He's 6. Kids change. :/ I have no idea why parents force this at such an age.

Seems like the parents want this more than the kids.

Agree with others - it sounds like once he's getting his gaming fix he doesn't want to stop to do anything else. It's highly addictive.

We have a reward system here (since boys were 5, would think an NT 6 yo able to cope with it easily) in that boys get points for chores, good schoolwork, music practice and karate classes. Points are then converted to minutes (1:1 ratio) that they can spend using anything with a screen (Xbox, PlayStation, watching tv). Once the minutes are gone, the screen is switched off until more are earned. One hint of a tantrum when it's time to switch off and it gets turned off immediately (by me, so no chance to save game progress) and stays off for the rest of that day and all of the next. Only had to follow that through once.

I now have boys who are keen to help out, turn off the system without a murmur when time is up (or we need to go out) and do lots of music and karate. They're 8&9 and it's still working well for us.

i would put the consoles away for a month, see what happens. An earlier class, perhaps going somewhere other than home before hand so it's not the "sat down and have to go out again" problem.

We had problems with DS and swimming at 5, moved him from a 5pm class on a Thursday to a Saturday morning class and suddenly he enjoys it again - he was just tired after school and once home didn't want to rush out again.

A friend of mine was only allowed to quit anything if she said at the end of the class/game/group that she didn't want to do it anymore, not before going. ie. if she'd really not enjoyed it, not just not wanted to go out in the cold or not wanted to get changed or not wanted to practice something. I always thought that was a good idea.

Swimming daily in summer is non negotiable here - they swim at school. It's an essential childhood skill when you live very close to large areas of water. Drowning used to be called the English death.

oh if you do put the console away, don't link it to the class - just do it when he's at school tomorrow (i'd be tempted to lie that it was broken and you were waiting for a new cable or something similarly convincing sounding).

I'm thinking of bringing back in screen time is only for after dinner, before bath. Makes it easier to limit and everything is done before it goes on.

YABU to let your 4 year old play so often on the computer console. I have a child of the same age and she has no such access. Books to read and the odd bit of matheeds app every now and again. Personally I think this is your problem. You are making a lazy child because of your lazy parenting choices.

Surely no one would force their child to go on taking a class for a year when they hate it? That's surely OTT on the control front, veering into cruelty in my mind. Children have so little control over their lives giving them at least a bit of autonomy in their hobbies seems fair enough to me. How many of us would keep on going to do something after work that we came to dislike? Not many I suspect.

My ds and I do a martial art together. It's a fairly relaxed twice weekly class and most of the time we really enjoy it. Some martial arts schools are very serious with high commitment levels (many hours per week, lots of competitions etc). That's fine for the teenagers/adults who choose them, but not so fair on smaller children whose parents essentially choose for them. I've noticed there is a high drop out rate at around about 12 or so which seems a bit sad really. Some of the children are moving into different sports, but lots are just stopping as soon as the choice is open to them.

Just seen he is 6 not 4... still think you need to reduce his screen time significantly. People wonder why so many children are lazy and obese when all they do is stick them in front of screens.

BTW - I understand the "sat down, got to go out again" issue - I used to have gym membership in the basement of the building I worked, I would manage to go either at lunchtime or after work at least 3 days a week, usually more like 4. Moved jobs and lost my corporate gym membership. Joined another gym near home, but I'd come home from work to pick up by gym stuff then go out to the gym, but first just put the washing on, and start getting stuff ready for dinner, then have a drink and a sit down... if I managed once a week in the winter, it was a good week. Soon gave it up altogether.

Going straight from school or on a Saturday/Sunday morning (after breakfast, get dressed, no TV or screens put on before you go) might solve that problem.

Going against the grain here slightly, but what stood out to me from your op was that you say, "it's not really a fun class...".
My DC do a martial art class, after trying out a few different things and I'm so impressed with it because the teachers go out of their way to make it really fun as well as disciplined. If your DS's class is not fun, I think you are fighting a losing battle.
I would let him quit, but then my DS didn't even start after school clubs until he was 7 because he was knackered enough after school. Plenty of time when they are older.

Consoles and video games are very addictive, and that is more the problem rather than the class. You could let him get on the console only after the class is over, and HicDraconis's idea is even better.

In fact, Hi, can you tell us more specifically how the points work as far as how many you award per activity or how you decide how many points, etc., because I would like to try this with my ds. He is addicted to Minecraft and can get aggravated when it's time to get off there and do something else, like his music practice or whatever it is.

Once he gets going on practicing he's fine, and he enjoys going to lessons, it's the getting started on his practice time that is the challenge, and having to get off minecraft makes it worse. I like to let him relax a bit when he gets home from school, so I let him do mc for a while, but it doesn't work well to be honest, he then doesn't want to get off of it. Making him wait until after, makes me feel I"m being cruel for not letting him relax a bit after school.

Agree as well about the type of class. Ds's judo club is brilliant. It's very relaxed and people progress at their own levels and in the junior class they play a lot of games.

Oh and my son spends most of his spare time gaming. He is far from obese, and is currently completing an additional course on line as well as doing very well with his normal school work. He is perfectly able to balance his hobby of playing strategy games with all the other things he needs to do.

The OP's child is clearly physically active, he just also likes to play games. Like many children he finds stopping doing something fun to go and do something else that might be satisfying but is not so much fun difficult.

I also note that she says that he doesn't like to put away his toys as well as he doesn't like switching off his console so I don't know why everyone is focusing so much on the gaming side, apart from what seems to be to be an excessive focus on 'screen time' here.

Little - I've decided to go back to screen time after dinner and homework done next week, not sure how well it will last, and if i'll be driven demented by them while I'm trying to prep-dinner, but I'll give it a go and hope i'm not snapping by Wednesday - I realised DS unwinds better if he's playing with toys or colouring or something that's not sitting watching TV or playing computer games, even the educational ones...

He's only six. He's got the rest of his life to do stuff he doesn't want to do because everyone expects him to do.

I'd just let him quit if he wants to. If he was nine, and he'd made a commitment to a team or whatever, then that would be different. But he's only six. It's so little.

Belle have you tried using a timer? Something really visible so that your son gets lots of advance warning that his play time is running out. It can help depersonalise that type of conflict - less mean mum and more this is how my day works. Also you might want to watch and see how consistent you are. If on some days your ds's objections means he gets a little extra time playing then he'll try it every day and likely ramp up the objections too.

I'd give him the option of quitting, or finding a new physical hobby for classes.

He's probably peaked and is bored.

LittleBeauty we give 5 points for chores (emptying & refilling dishwasher, sorting laundry baskets and putting theirs away) with an extra 5 points if they see it needs doing and get on with it without being asked.

A standard karate class will get them 20 points (they're an hour long) but also they can get 5 point bonuses for being complimented on a technique or singled out for praise. A sparring karate class gets 30-40 because they're much harder. Grading gets 60 points and $20.

Music practice is 10 points per 20 mins practice.

Watering the garden (takes a good half hour) is 20 points.

We also give random 5 point bonuses for good behaviour (say if they're playing a board game together really well, or if they do a really good piece of homework, or look like they've put a lot of effort in without being asked). Achievement awards from school get 20 points.

They have to have enough points to do what they want to do - so if they want to build something in minecraft that will take an hour or more, they have to have at least 60 points banked. They also use points for watching tv (one episode of Lego ninjago is 25 mins, so they need 25 points unless they want it stopped half way through). It's also led to them having to decide between spending 25 points now on tv watching vs saving 25 to join with more to spend on a longer gaming stint at the weekend.

They have 8+ karate classes a week though so lots of opportunity to get points!

Oh and general rule is if you have points, you can spend them whenever you want to (during week or at weekends). Once they're gone that's it until you earn more. It stopped all the "can I play X? When can I play?" nagging.

Homework has to be done by Friday, it's up to them when they do it. After a couple of weeks of having to get up early to cram a week's worth in on Friday before breakfast they have worked out for themselves it's easier to do it straight after school - now it's normally done by Wednesday.

That is all very complicated

I always tell kids to end games/condoles/screens first.

Then let everyone tootle fir 10 mins.

THEN I say "let's get ready for activity X" and thry are happy to go

DH gets it wrong sometimes, says "kids, stop the i pad NOW. We need to go to swimming/judo " cue whiny kids who don't want to go.

But he is learning

Let them tootle around in a screen free daze for 10mins