Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to cry about a patient?

53 replies

Gpreceptionist · 23/01/2016 14:49

I work on reception [details removed] at a busy GP surgery and I try to do my best for all our patients. I will go out of my way to help, especially in a crisis, and I empathise with anyone who is upset - even if expressed angrily.

A lady phoned yesterday and my colleague passed me the phone as she couldn't understand her. When I took it, she burst into tears and told me through sobs that her husband had died yesterday and she hadn't had time to order her medication so could she have it for later that evening.

She kept saying sorry and I told her it was absolutely fine, adopted a soothing voice, asked if she had anyone with her (her daughter) as I was so worried. I've never heard anyone sound so sad, it broke my heart.

I got her meds sorted and asked a GP to phone her.

Now I'm trying to study for an exam [details removed] and I can't focus. I keep hearing her saying "my husband died" and the horrible, devastated crying. In the moment, I had to get back to work and be professional. But now I'm at home I've had a little bit of a cry over it and she has definitely stayed with me. Her husband was only 45 and had cancer.

Aibu? Maybe being too emotionally involved?

OP posts:
hellhasnofurylikeahungrywoman · 23/01/2016 17:40

I have worked in paediatric palliative care, I have cried over patients before and I am sure I will do again. The day death stops affecting me will be the day I stop doing the job I love (and am good at). You sound like you will make a caring, compassionate doctor, good luck.

AcrossthePond55 · 23/01/2016 17:41

It just means you have a heart.

Part of my job was taking survivor claims, many from the recently bereaved or families who had suffered a tragic death (think Jonestown or 9/11). I did this job for 30 years and there were times it still got to me. I think you learn to 'deal with it' better but you never really get so hard that some cases don't still get to you.

A week before I retired there was an elderly gentleman who came in to file for benefits on the record of his deceased wife. They'd been married as teenagers. I had to ask for certain ID cards for her. He put her wallet on my desk as if it were priceless and asked me to "Please look for it. I can't bear to, I've seen her open that wallet a million times". I did it but I tell you I had a good cry once he'd gone. You never get 'that hard'.

TheRealBarenziah · 23/01/2016 17:52

Fantastic advice from ChatEnOeuf - reflective practice will be a vital part of your portfolio while you're a junior doctor, and probably throughout your career. If it's done properly, it can be both educational and emotionally cathartic. You may wish to write an anonymous reflection on this case, if you have a portfolio now? You sound very mature and reflective - traits which will stand you in excellent stead as a doctor.

In terms of discussing patients on the Internet - you have included a few details that you probably didn't need to which do mean the patient may recognise herself if she sees this post. Perhaps ask HQ to edit some of the specific details, like the age and cause of death, out of your post?

flippinada · 23/01/2016 17:53

YANBU. You're a human being and had a very human reaction to a distressing and sad situation.

Spudlet · 23/01/2016 18:00

YANBU.

But you do need to work out a coping mechanism if this is to be your job. You need to learn to process the sadness and let it go, so you don't carry it with you for always.

That said, sometimes you will have people who stick in your mind. I did hospital clerical work as a student, and well remember one elderly lady with dementia and short term memory problems (meaning you were asked the same question a hundred times a day as she kept forgetting she'd asked!). No doubt she's long gone from this world now, but I won't ever forget her.

Janeymoo50 · 23/01/2016 18:07

I visited my mums surgery five days after she died to hand back medication. It's not mine, I knew none of the staff. Two ladies on the desk. Lady 1 says she would take care of it and asked mums name.
I said her name.
Lady 2 gasped loudly and was quite overcome - which set me off.
Mum was 80 and a "regular" down the surgery and would often phone too so she was familiar to them.
I was quite touched actually.

Kr1stina · 23/01/2016 18:11

It was an elderly lady who collapsed on my first week on placement, I had no useful skills so just gave her history and name and held her hand. She eventually squeezed my hand back when they resuscitated her. The other students weren't bothered but they weren't really involved. It has always stuck with me and made me feel a bit of a wuss

Please don't feel a wuss, you are a kind person. And you did have a useful skill. Just think, if that lady had died, in her last moments she would have heard your kind voice and felt your reassuring touch . I would want that for my mother or grandmother.

mypoorbottee · 23/01/2016 18:15

Flowers You sound a wonderful human being to me

SoThatHappened · 23/01/2016 18:29

I am a solicitor and i actually cried in front of a client, in a fatal accident case meeting. I couldnt keep it together it was so sad, the story.

I think the client appreciated it and it showed that lawyers do have a heart lol.

Original poster
Gpreceptionist · 23/01/2016 18:33

Re: patient details, the age is actually different and the cause of death was another disease. I anonymised before posting.

OP posts:
nocoolnamesleft · 23/01/2016 18:33

Dear GP receptionist

Please, please, don't let this put you off medicine. And I want to say to you what I've said to one of my FY2s, after she was there for a death.

I've been a doctor for nearly 19 years. I'm a paediatric consultant. And you know what? I still cry. I cry when we lose a child or a baby. And sometimes I cry when we haven't, but I worry that we may have put them through too much. The day it stops upsetting me, I will quit, whilst I have any soul left. The difference...I now have so much to concentrate on at the time, that I mostly do my crying later. I don't think I've ever explained that we'll have to stop resus without tears in my eyes. But actually crying...there are things that most be done for my patient, and for the parents. There are junior staff to support. There is a ton of paperwork. And there are all the other next patients that still need treating. And then, when the shift/oncall is over, and there is no chance of being needed, then there is no way not to cry.

We carry with us some of our patients. I have photos of several children no longer with us, presents from their parents. But even without them I remember faces, names, and most of all what we tried and how we failed. And just sometimes what we won. A few hours to say goodbye, a few precious days to get to know their baby, time for a photo or a christening, or for a parent to get there before the end.

Yes, you do harden a little. You learn to largely wall it off until you can release it. And you must not be self indulgent in your upset: as you showed, you held it together for the bereaved woman, and did not make your upset make things worse for her. It is their loss not ours. So, whilst on the job, we must keep control. But I feel no embarassment or shame for those tears in my eyes when I break that news. Because life is precious, and we are there when people's lives fall apart.

TheRealBarenziah · 23/01/2016 18:43

Wonderful post nocoolnamesleft.

GPreceptionist - didn't mean to patronise you about anonymising details - was just responding to previous posts. Glad to hear you'd already thought of that.

Original poster
Gpreceptionist · 23/01/2016 18:49

I've reported my OP to mumsnet for review as I definitely don't want to be giving too much away regarding this lady's identity.

OP posts:
IsItIorAreTheOthersCrazy · 23/01/2016 18:54

My experience isn't the same but I work dealing with car accident claims and I have taken a few calls over where someone has called to tell us their relative has died in an accident. Sometimes they cry in the way only completely broken people do, and sometimes there is no emotion in their voice at all. Either way, I remember all of them and have had a cry afterwards. Everyone in my office thinks this is perfectly normal.
I think it all just shows that you're human OP

Sirzy · 23/01/2016 18:54

Like others have said you sounds lovely and just what a doctor needs to be.

When my son was critically ill the nurse who had been looking after him was due to go on holiday, she phoned every day to see how he was doing. That showed to me she genuinly cared about her patients not just doing it for a job!

GloGirl · 23/01/2016 19:07

Nocoolnamesleft, I had held it together reading this thread till your post, Beautifully written.

Thank you all for doing the jobs you do.

Junebugjr · 23/01/2016 19:54

I think you'll make a lovely doctor OP, If I were to become ill and needed treatment, I would want to be treated by a doctor who cared.
I work closely with families who have children on the at risk register, unfortunately we've had a few cases where children have died.
In the resultant meetings that have to take place after that sort of thing, lots of professionals have been in tears, usually at the break etc.
It is very hard to see or hear about other people's suffering without having an emotional reaction, it's just learning to deal with it. And tears do have their place. Be gentle on yourself.

blueteapot · 23/01/2016 21:03

OP I am also a GP registrar (ST3). As others have said empathy is a very important part of being a doctor and you should see it as a strength - throughout your training and then when you are working as a doctor you will come across many situations that affect you - sad, happy or otherwise. I am still regularly affected by cases and I think that's definitely a good thing! It's a caring profession and you are clearly a caring individual - be proud of that.

Focus now on how you can help; organising the ladys repeats, booking her in for an appointment if she feels she needs one, suggesting a bereavement visit by the practice if the GP hasnt already organised one.

Good luck in your studies Flowers

FlamingoFandango · 23/01/2016 21:42

Yadnbu.

I work at a Surestart Centre and there are a couple kids whose circumstances have reduced me to tears and I still think about a few years after they moved on.

minifingerz · 23/01/2016 21:50

miscellaneous

Very very good post.

londonrach · 23/01/2016 22:05

Gp. You sound very caring. I can tell you some patients find a way into your heart and stay there. Of course you have to be professional and never show that. However there are a hand full of patients i will never forget and im lucky to have known them. Dont lose that ability to care. Good luck with your studies x

notyourmummy · 24/01/2016 21:21

No, you're nbu at all. Hubby is an a&e reg and is moved to tears at times by his patients, especially those they can't save.

green18 · 24/01/2016 21:34

You sound like you are just the right type of person to work where you do. I couldn't do it because stories like that upset me too much. Hopefully at a GP surgery you don't hear too many of those.

captainfarrell · 24/01/2016 21:47

When my mum was very ill, she was so touched by the nurses and the auxiliary nurses who were so gentle with her, washing her so gently. She said they were angels and it gave us such comfort. To all of you who work in these situations, never stop caring, never get hard. You are doing an amazing vocation not a job. This thread has me in tears.

breezeharbour · 24/01/2016 22:17

nocoolnamesleft that is so, so moving. Having a little cry here.