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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wish I had never set up an account for my godchild

31 replies

Spudauphinoise · 22/01/2016 16:12

My lovely godchild is 7 and when she was born I looked for a lovely present to give her, ran out of time eventually after finding nothing that I thought would suit...so I set up a little bank account for her. I put £10 in every month. I told her mum who is my best friend that I was setting it up.

Now seven years later I have three dcs and my best friend is godmother to one. She gave him a beautiful gift for christening present. It was only then I started worrying - what happens when dgd gets her cash? I don't want her mum to be offended or to feel she needs to give something to my ds. It will be a lot of money, and I am less pressured money wise than my friend. I am really feeling like i have screwed up and created a potential problem for the future.

So any thoughts on what i might do? It crossed my mind to say it to her but she is the sweetest kindest person you could meet and i am worried she might feel obliged to give my dc something. She is my most important friend and i would never want anything to come between us. Thank you

OP posts:
AttitcusFinchIsMyFather · 22/01/2016 16:16

But she already knows about it? I don't see the problem...

Pyjamaramadrama · 22/01/2016 16:17

You say she knows you set it up?

originalmavis · 22/01/2016 16:19

Howing did you plan to keep paying I to it?

Original poster
Spudauphinoise · 22/01/2016 16:21

Yes she knows about it, but I just mentioned it once 7 years ago, and it has not been mentioned since. I planned to pay til she was about 18 i guess, then given it to her as a lump sum.

So obviously she knows about it, but it is the potential fallout from giving it to her that worries me

OP posts:
CalleighDoodle · 22/01/2016 16:23

Did you give more specifics when you opened it? I think 7 years is a good number. Give me a bank account until the age of 7 and ill give you a bank account for life. Why not hand it over at her next birthday?

kissmethere · 22/01/2016 16:27

There isn't any problem only to decide when she can have the money. Will you paying into it til she's 18? Either way let her have the money I don't see your dc getting some even comes into it.

Cel982 · 22/01/2016 16:29

Yeah, I don't think it's a problem as it currently stands, but paying £10 per month for 18 years would be an enormous sum and might cause some discomfort for your friend. I would do as suggested and present it to her on her next birthday - 7 is old enough for her to get a real kick out of holding her little bank book herself, adding to it when she gets some money and so on.

girlywhirly · 22/01/2016 16:33

That was lovely present. If you are worried about it, you could reasonably stop putting any more money in now. At age 7, a child is old enough to sign their own name and withdraw the money if they wish. The bank may offer suitable alternative accounts with different interest rates, or her parents may choose to invest it in a junior ISA etc. Perhaps they would feel that what you have put in is more than enough now and are very grateful.

I think it would be best to have the conversation and let the parents do what they choose on their DD's behalf, and if they feel they are indebted, say what you've said in your post. If she wants to do something for you there are lots of things that don't involve money, such as time for your children and being a lovely friend to you.

abbieanders · 22/01/2016 16:35

If you hold off giving the money until she graduates, it'd make a very substantial gift at a time when your friend won't have to do anything about it.

BloodyDogHairs · 22/01/2016 16:35

Does your friend know you have been paying money into it every month? Or does she think you put a one off amount in? Who gets the statements?

I can see it would be slightly awkward for her if it was a surprise that her DD suddenly gets a massive lump sum from you.

lazyleo · 22/01/2016 16:37

If I'm right you are worried about putting your friend in an awkward situation and making her feel bad, because she may feel either embarrassed or that she should reciprocate in kind which she will likely be unable to. You aren't looking / expecting / wanting her to do that or to feel bad about it and you've gotten yourself in a quandary?

I think perhaps you will find that she has forgotten or not realised you are putting away £10pm which is quite a lot over a period of time. For me I would worry about any other children she may have who you are not godmum to? How will it look to them. I'd perhaps pick an age whether it be 8, 10, 12 (secondary) and drop the payment to £50 a year on her birthday. You give her the money when you want to, but speak to her mum first.

I'd suggest you speak to your friend if you can; you say she is the nicest kindest person and you don't want anything to come between you, perhaps you drop it in the conversation around the wee one's birthday or christmas, I can't think what to get her, oh I'm glad you suggested that I was beginning to think I'd just have to put some money in her account..... She might pick up on it and enable you to have a conversation.

My DD's godmum got her a charm bracelet for her christening and adds a charm to it for every birthday and christmas :D

Pyjamaramadrama · 22/01/2016 16:42

It's a lovely thing to do and I'm sure you can make it ok with your friend

blindsider · 22/01/2016 16:42

I think you are over thinking this , why should she be anything other than delighted at what you have done for her child??

Diggum · 22/01/2016 16:45

It'll be fine.

You can arrange with DGD herself when she's old enough to perhaps give it to her as a monthly allowance while she's in uni. I think it's lovely and would be a shame to deprive her of it, assuming you can afford to keep it up.

Original poster
Spudauphinoise · 22/01/2016 16:47

Thanks very much for your comments. I think you have hit the nail on the head lazyleo. I just don't want her to feel obliged or embarrassed. I think i will mention it to her soon as my dgd's bday is coming up. Also she has another dd so obviously i dont want her to feel put out, or make her dgm feel she needs to do the same! I just never thought about the potential fallout. Maybe giving her the account on her bday is the best idea. Thanks!

OP posts:
sparkleglitterdaisy · 22/01/2016 16:49

I think this was a lovely thing to do , & I'm sure much appreciated later on . Have you done one for each of your children too ? So long as you have there won't be any bad feeling between the children .

SavoyCabbage · 22/01/2016 16:52

I don't know if I'd be delighted because some 18 year olds aren't very responsible. It would be great if they bought a laptop for university or used it to go backpacking but what if they just had a massive party. The parent would feel awful/guilty but there would be nothing they could do.

I thought this when the Child Trust Funds came out.

chillycurtains · 22/01/2016 16:54

That is a very kind thing that you have done. It could be that your friend has either forgotten about it if you only mentioned it once or that she doesn't know how to bring the subject up herself. I would just talk to her.

Personally I think giving an 18 year old £2000 is more suitable than giving a 7/8 year old nearly £1000. Your friend may feel the same way. I think you really really need to talk to her about it and see what her preference is. If there is no financial issues for you then you could continue it to 21 and if useful it could be used to pay off some of a student loan if your God child has one.

chillycurtains · 22/01/2016 16:56

Also after reading your last post, if your friend has another daughter then giving a 7/8 year old a bank account full of money will be awkward as the other child won't understand. However an 18 year old or 21 year old would understand.

Gobbolino6 · 22/01/2016 17:00

I think it's a lovely, lovely thing you have been doing. I'd try to think of it as something between you and your goddaughter, and just do what you planned. By the time she's 18 the two of you can talk as adults and you can five your gift directly to her. You sound like a great godmother.

Gobbolino6 · 22/01/2016 17:01

I have 3 godparents, I don't see two of them but one of them has always been caring and involved and we have a relationship separate from my mum. I love her.

CaveMum · 22/01/2016 17:08

Is it a proper "child's savings account" or just a generic one you opened for her? I ask because when we opened a dedicated child's account for DD (almost 2) the terms and conditions stipulated that the child cannot access it until they are 16. Until then a nominated adult controls the account.

woodwaj · 22/01/2016 17:13

You and your friend sound like you have a great relationship. And you've been doing a lovely thing. I think you could probably have this conversation with her and decide where to go from there!

TeddTess · 22/01/2016 17:28

Why don't you hand it over now? then it is a great base for a bank account for her child but not too big that she will feel bad/be too extravagant?

if she has a first holy communion coming up or something similar that would be perfect?

Fratelli · 22/01/2016 17:34

Oh how lovely! Since she has another dd could you give dd1 half the money when she turns 18 and dd2 the other half when she turns 18? Or 21 or whatever. Then it will be like you've put £5 away each month for both of them?

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