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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be irritated with DH's attitude to sickness

29 replies

jollyfrenchy · 20/01/2016 18:43

I'm sure it sounds like a cliche but DH drives me mad when he's sick. Right now me and my two girls have been ill with headaches/fever/coughs/generally feeling shit virus for three days. Now he's got it and I'm finding it really hard to find any sympathy. Here are the things that irritate me:

a) When he's sick he literally stays in bed all day and doesn't move at all, and even refuses to talk, just mumbles in a croaky groany way. Over the past few days when I've been sick I've had to get up, take the only healthy child to school, work (I'm self employed so no sick pay or option to take time off), emptied and filled the dishwasher, fed the children and us, and put everybody to bed. My only concession to being sick has been to have a 1 hour nap pre-school run, and to go to bed as soon as the kids were in. I have never yet in all my years been so ill that I couldn't talk at all, even if just in a whisper. His only concession to help in the instance of my being ill has been to read one of the kids a story of a bedtime, and to cuddle up in bed with one that was poorly at the weekend (oh what a hardship that was!).

b) I have never ever (in 15 years of being together) known him take a sick day from work. On work days he always goes in no matter what, and then on his day off spends the whole day in bed (see above). This leads me to believe he can control his illness to the extent that he will push on through heroically when it's a work day but just allows himself to be ill on a day off. As somebody who gets no sick pay, I'm of the opinion that if you are lucky enough be eligible for sick pay you should take advantage of it if you are actually sick rather than wasting your precious days off being sick.

Today, when I had to go out to work for an hour, leaving all three kids at home with him, I was genuinely worried about their safety. I got the impression that had one of them fallen down the stairs and broken a leg, he would have just croaked to one of the others to call 999 and not actually got up to help.

Okay, lovely rant over. Is he just a classic cliche of an ill man? Are they all like this. Or am I being a really unsympathetic wife?

OP posts:

PotteringAlong · 20/01/2016 18:45

You think you should take sick days off work rather than waste your days off? You're unreasonable for that comment alone.

Whatthefreakinwhatnow · 20/01/2016 18:46

He sounds like a selfish tosser, you are definitely not being unreasonable!

I'd not be happy with that either, and would make him get up - if he's well enough to go to work, he's well enough to do his share at home!

HumptyDumptyHadaHardTime · 20/01/2016 18:49

I'm of the opinion that if you are lucky enough be eligible for sick pay you should take advantage of it if you are actually sick rather than wasting your precious days off being sick.

YABU for that comment alone.

HermioneJeanGranger · 20/01/2016 18:51

I think he sounds a bit lazy, but you sound a bit martyr-ish. If you're sick, why are you still cooking, loading the dishwasher, doing the school-run, etc? I understand you don't get paid so you feel you have to work, but can't your DH do all the other stuff?

I also think he sounds quite sensible about going into work. I also go into work when I would much prefer to be in bed, but it looks bad to be off sick a lot, and these things work against you when it comes to pay-rises, promotions and even references in the future. Why take a day off when you don't have to?

JohnLuther · 20/01/2016 18:53

I don't get how the OP is being U for the comment about taking advantage of sick pay, who in their right mind would want to use A/L if they were sick?

Copperkettle · 20/01/2016 18:54

You could be talking about my dh. When he's ill he literally takes to his bed and wants to be left alone to wallow he also never takes time off work. I

Shutthatdoor · 20/01/2016 18:57

who in their right mind would want to use A/L if they were sick?

A rota day off is not A/L

Sick pay isn't either although some do use it like extra holiday

GnocchiGnocchiWhosThere · 20/01/2016 18:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HermioneJeanGranger · 20/01/2016 19:09

I don't get how the OP is being U for the comment about taking advantage of sick pay, who in their right mind would want to use A/L if they were sick?

I think people are referring to those who call in sick over every little niggle. Maybe OP's DH feels he has to go into work because being sick a lot looks really bad. Companies are cracking down on sickness and maybe he feels it's worth turning up because of that.

I don't think they're saying he should use AL instead

MrsItsNoworNotatAll · 20/01/2016 19:12

I'm eligible for sick pay but I can't take time off each time I come down with something. I have to literally like I'm going to drop dead before I take time off. Too much time off results in being monitored and generally hassled simply for being ill. It's not like anyone likes being ill.

I think you're being unreasonable.

Gobbolino6 · 20/01/2016 19:17

YANBU. Unless you have the flu or something, take some cold meds and soldier on if there's work to be done. It seems most likely in this case that he has the same illness the rest of you have had. If it's been his day off, I don't see much wrong with heading to bed if all the DC are at school, but he should be up when they're at home.

abbsismyhero · 20/01/2016 19:17

i think he is being a twunt HTH

if he can control it to the weekend he isn't that ill and just wants a day in bed i really hate that pathetic whispery shit some people do when they are ill i want to scream IT'S NOT A FUCKING COMPETITION

clam · 20/01/2016 19:21

Oh God, the "ill" voice! And it disappears when the phone rings and it's someone from work. Back to normal.

bluebolt · 20/01/2016 19:31

I prefer when someone is sick that they disappear to bed I get more angry with sad face sat on the sofa. I would expect DP to get up to look after kids but otherwise I would hate him being anywhere near me. I am no Florence nightingale.

Griphook · 20/01/2016 19:32

Your dh is just a lazy person who when he's ill you are expected to pick up the slack and when your ill you are expected to carry on as normal. See it's win wim for him.

The thing is if you don't carry on as burns it's not like the lazy fucker will step up, it's more likely all the jobs will be left for when you feel better.

Griphook · 20/01/2016 19:33

Burns- normal

LaurieFairyCake · 20/01/2016 19:36

There is no way I'm going to struggle around doing chores if I'm ill

I go in to work (self employed) unless I have d and v and it takes all my energy to do that properly and efficiently (and commute)

I'd be really miffed if someone suggested I was putting on my illness if I was doing my best to manage it by being prone on my days off - that's how I managed to get in to work on my working days, by managing my illness.

The bottom line is that it's about how someone is normally - ie. Do they step up in everyday life??

If he doesn't, there's your answer

Etak15 · 20/01/2016 19:46

I agree with blue blot that Ill people belong in bed, there own bed, once my sil stayed with us for 3 days (only lives 5 mins away) because she was allegedly so Ill she needed to come so I could look after her dd's (teenagers) as well as my own 4 including a 4 month old! She sat on our sofa with a blanket on controlling the telly and bossing everyone about for 3 days! I still can't get over it now as I type this - I mean who would actually do that? Sorry nothing really to do with your dh but feel better for sharing

Original poster

jollyfrenchy · 20/01/2016 20:04

I'm not suggesting he should take annual leave, I'm talking about soldiering on all week and being ill at the weekend so that all our family plans have to be cancelled rather than take a VERY occasional sick day. As I stated, in 15 years he has NEVER taken a sick day so he can hardly be accused by anyone at work of taking the piss if he took one once in a blue moon.

As far as my work is concerned, it's not even just that I don't get paid if I don't work. People have paid me in advance for a terms worth of French lessons, so I would have to refund 20 people if I didn't go. Also, I am at risk of losing their business entirely if I mess them about.

Laurie he does do chores etc usually, but he does tend to leave most of the childcare stuff to me so I suppose he just carries on as normal rather than it occuring to him that maybe he should do something extra because I'm ill.

OP posts:

Gobbolino6 · 20/01/2016 20:10

I wouldn't expect him to take sick days from work, nor to go on any family outings. I would expect him to contribute to the basic running of the family home (basic cleaning, cooking and childcare).

MumOnTheRunCatchingUp · 21/01/2016 09:53

I truly don't understand why women are with men like this! It's like it's still 1950!

expatinscotland · 21/01/2016 09:56

What Mum said.

Original poster

jollyfrenchy · 21/01/2016 10:51

Newsflash OMG he actually took a sick day...

Mum and expat above, you're being a bit melodramatic. I should break up a relationship of 15 years because he irritates me maybe 7 or 8 days of the year when he's ill? He is wonderful in lots of other ways, just rubbish at being sick. After 15 years together I've worked out that the good stuff outweighs the bad stuff. Nobody's perfect, are they?

OP posts:

Gottagetmoving · 21/01/2016 11:00

I'm of the opinion that if you are lucky enough be eligible for sick pay you should take advantage of it if you are actually sick rather than wasting your precious days off being sick

YABU for that comment alone

Whats BU about that? OP said if you are ACTUALLY sick.... That's what sick pay is for!

pilates · 21/01/2016 11:02

Op, agree with you my husband is a pain in the arse when he is sick but fine the other days . So I wouldn't be rushing off to get free half hour legal advice at the Solicitors just yet .

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