To ask your advice over what to do with contact...

[Strangeoccurence]

As some are aware my ex sexually assaulted me with our son in the next room.
I reported this to the police. Children services contacted me saying no further action would be taken, but it is my responsibility to ensure that my son is safe during contact with dad.

Dad was quite happy to do this when our son was in the next room.
I dont know how i can be certain that this is not going to happen again, with someone else.
Right now, i dont believe dad is in a relationship or even seeing anyone. I also dont believe right now that dad would invite someone over when our son was there.
At the same time though, i dont know for a fact.
How can i ensure my sons safety when he is at dads, when i am not there?

I dont know if in thinking far too much into this or not. It feels like if anything went wrong at dads, i will be at fault for failing to safeguard.

So what can i do? Am i just over thinking it?

Can you son not have a very bad sickness bug until Monday and then you take steps to prevent contact until it can be safe?

You are in what you are seeing as a catch 22 but it is not.

There is nothing wrong with saying we know abusers are potentially a risk to children I feel that you are an abuser I have raised this with the authorities now it is up to you to go to court and resolve it.

Obviously you do not say that to your ex until after he has been spoken to by the police but that is your stance when you go to court.

This is not obstructive it is normal rational decent parenting.

Oh and a SW is not allowed to 'tell' you to stop contact unless some quite rigorous procedures have been followed.

And yes if you know there is a risk and do nothing to mitigate that risk or have it taken out of your hands then yes under many circumstances you can be considered to have failed/been unable to protect your child.

Give rights of women helpline a call they give free legal advice as do the children's legal center obviously they cannot act on your behalf but you can get some great info for free

What utter madness. You clearly (through no fault of your own) cannot ensure your own safety. How are you going to ensure someone else's?

Lazy, irresponsible SS.

So i decided to allow contact to take place. My son only wanted to stay one day, so he stayed home on the friday.
Dad was not happy about this.
He came to my house the following day looking full of hell. My son said he was told off and told he better not choose to stay at mine during dads time with him again, otherwise he will get very very angry at our son.

Now my son is saying he is just going to go even if he doesnt want to so to not upset dad anymore.

I think this is fucking disgusting! I feel beyond stupid for not listening to everyone on here telling me to not allow contact. I was just so conflicted with everything. I still am!
Is it just me, or has he bullied our son into doing what he wants??

He has also told ds that he will never do me any favours again (he never did) because i told ds if he wanted to stay here he could.
My son had an itch and dad has told him its because my cats and dog have fleas!
My pets are all treated and dont have fleas!
Jesus christ

What a nasty arsewipe he is. Is it tomorrow that the police are going to speak to him?

Yes, its tomorrow

""Now my son is saying he is just going to go even if he doesnt want to so to not upset dad anymore""

So his Dad has made him feel responsible for how he is feeling.

He's also probably feeling like how your ex is treating you, is also his responsibility.

That's going into EA behaviour.

You need to get your DS to open up, whilst playing etc, not in a 'sit down' way and suspend contact this weekend.

Then set boundaries to guard your DS's Mental Health.

Contact should only start off at a day out.

I think its completely unfair how dad has put this onto ds like that.

Get him to open up, how? Hes playing in the bath and told me i might have a visitor on friday. Dad has told him his friend can sleep at his on friday - if it is ok with his friends mum, i can pick them both up from school on friday and they can both stay with me until dad finishes work! Really!!

As a parent, i would not be happy with that arrangement if it was my child being asked!

I wonder if dad has deliberately done this to make me look like the bad one when i say no. I mean, i obviously couldnt say yes even if i was alright with it considering what is happening tomorrow.

Surely though, dad should make arrangements with the childs parent, not me.

Yes he should, he's game playing, it's now upto you whether you engage in this, or set your own rules and ignore.

Just chat to your DS, look for examples in children's programmes etc that can open up a conversation about not being responsible for how others are feeling, what they do.

You need to get the message across that your DS is to decide what contact he wants.

Can you speak to the other child's Mother in the week?

birdsgottafly how would you suggest i do the things you mentioned?

Sorry.
I have told my son, it is ok if he doesnt want to spend the full weekend there and his dad should be ok with that too.
He has said himself its not very nice that his dad has said that, but still fearful of his dads reaction if he makes his own choice and so has said hes going to go anyway.

I would rather ignore the game playing. I dont even know this childs parent, so if she approaches me i dont know what i can say or do.

I pressed post by accident.

I will do as you have suggested with tv and in play.
I just hope this mother just by passes it all.

Thank you

I am dreading today!!

Will the police keep you updated do you think?

Yes, they said they would. Her shift doesnt start until 2. So its not going to be before that.
They wont get in touch with him as he will be at work.
I dont know how long they will try for. Will the next step be for them to send a letter?
When they do get in touch, will the appointment be for the following day?
Im passed myself with worry and i can see it being friday again before anything has happened.

I am fairly pro-contact but I would be stopping contact in these circumstances. SS have told you it is your responsibility to ensure your son's safety. You cannot do that if he is with his father. His father has also now proven that he will emotionally abuse your son in response to what is happening. Your ex is only going to get angrier after the police have visited.

I would go and get urgent legal advice.

Why do i find the thought of stopping contact so bloody difficult? I will seek legal advice as im really struggling with all of this

It must be really difficult. Could you maybe post or have your post moved to lone parents or legal? You might get more advice there, I'm not sure. Hope you're ok and your bastard ex is dealt with by the law. Your son doesn't want to go and is scared of his father, you must keep that in mind and not feel guilty. You haven't done anything wrong.

Thank you. I might pop a post over in legal later on. The officer started at 2pm. I still havent heard anything at all. I cant call them yet now either due to my kids still being up and awake.

I still havent heard anything. I am stressed to bits over it all. I want to contact but cannot due to my kids playing up rather than going to sleep! Stressed out of my mind

Police left a voicemail yesterday on his phone. He had text, and i had a missed call asking of our son was alright. I knew instantly he had heard it. I said yes. Hes now asking if anything has happened as he has a voicemail from the police!
Im not texting back but god dammit. Why not just ring them!?! Basically, if its nothing to do with his son - he is ignoring it, that is the impression i am getting

Now im getting a 'hello' text message since i havent responded. Its making me panic!