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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU with regards to a 'friend'

74 replies

glueandstick · 19/01/2016 10:01

I'll start by saying I'm very pregnant, tired, aching and fed up so it may well be clouding my view.

I have a 'friend' I have known for a good decade. She's always been a bit.... Alternative and heavily into religion. I'm the complete opposite of this but each to their own.

Since moving closer to her (not deliberately) we've had many more interactions than previously so perhaps I'm just beginning to notice things.

Firstly she keeps inviting me to church groups that will be super fun and I would love (I wouldn't. I don't do church) so I make polite noises, say thank you for thinking of me but it isn't my thing. This keeps happening. I don't want to snap and tell her what I really think.

She treats the church as an excuse to be a knob to people- if it is in the cause of the church she'll walk over everyone but thinks it's ok because it's for Jesus' sake.

Before Christmas I had a message asking if I wanted to bake and donate a huge amount of cake for a church event that I really should come to! Yet again I declined. She laid it on thick that she has hurt her leg recently but didn't seem bothered that I couldn't physically walk upstairs because of hip pain thanks to being pregnant. I also said that I was trying to cut down on what I was doing as have a habit of over doing everything and wasn't on top form and pretty shattered.

Then she offered to take some old stock from a previous business and sell it at the event (this was for refugees or something. It wasn't something I would have supported as I would have chosen a different route that didn't have such high outgoings before it reaching the charity but that's a different story. I'm not heartless and will help but do like to research first). I wasn't able to go to the event and made it clear that I couldn't just donate it all as it was several hundred pounds worth of stuff and was going to eBay it. She agreed and said she would take it. Then I realise she ignored the bit about it being all for free (she had organised the event) and I got the whole 'but it's supporting the church's good work for others less fortunate' to which I had to reiterate that I was on maternity leave and wouldn't be working for several months and as much as I would love to be that charitable, I have to choose how and where I give. It's long and convoluted but I ended up giving half.

THEN I had an invitation to a boozy Christmas event about an hour and a half from from- but it's ok because I could just have water.

Now I have been asked to go to an event in a couple of weeks for some food bank and expected to help cooking. This is again an hour and a half from home, they want donations too and clearing up. Oh and if you have anything left over from your business we will take it off your hands. When can you deliver it? This is 10 days before my due date.

Then I get a message saying 'oh how fun would it be if you went into labour there?' Yeah fecking loads....

The final straw has been when I mentioned how long it takes to eBay everything (I was quite surprised how time consuming it was!) in regards to some equipment from the business, she mentions she wants to start something similar and can she just have it all (for nothing) and will I go and spend a couple of days teaching her everything about the industry? Preferably in the next month. She'll provide cake!

Am I being unreasonable thinking she just doesn't think about anyone but what she wants to do or am I just being a cow? It has been playing on my mind for a few days now.

Just writing this makes me wonder why I keep bloody bothering.

OP posts:
Throwingshade · 19/01/2016 15:08

You really really can just say no. It's that simple. Just 'No sorry I can't'. 'No sorry I'm busy'. 'No sorry it's not my cup of tea'. 'No sorry I'd rather donate/help charity my own way'. If she asks again, don't reply.

spanky2 · 19/01/2016 15:09

Once you lay it out that she isn't going to convert you she might drop you quicker than a hot coal from the flames of hell.
This happened to me when I told my friend who wanted to convert me that gay people should be allowed to have sex without going to hell.

glueandstick · 19/01/2016 15:17

There appear to be quite a few of us not collecting £200 and going straight to hell.

I hate Facebook, I really do think it brings out the worst in people so I should just ignore it, but for the sake of my blood pressure I have unfollowed her so I don't have to see the visible do gooding.

It really is more of an acquaintance rather than friendship now- we've drifted apart and can't even enjoy our mutual interests together without a request for charity.

It does feel so much better to vent and know I've not been a terrible person. I wish her all the happiness and if that makes her happy then so be it. It has however made me a lot more reluctant to go out of my way to help out with things through fear of constant asking.

OP posts:
glueandstick · 19/01/2016 15:17

I suppose there isn't long left to go utterly mental at someone and blame it on the hormones. I shall rectify this ;)

OP posts:
Sunnybitch · 19/01/2016 15:27

It's your duty glueandstick Grin

Hullygully · 19/01/2016 15:37

the little baby jesus would shed a small tear at your meanness

Aeroflotgirl · 19/01/2016 16:10

This would be a total dealbreaker and I would totally distance myself from her. Delete and block her number.

knobblyknee · 19/01/2016 16:14

Just thank God she found God and not a pyramid scheme, and dump her.

She wore you down into handing over half your stock after you said no!!!

sandythesquirrel · 19/01/2016 17:10

Backintherealworld: Excellent point.

glueandstick · 19/01/2016 17:27

I felt that a decent donation may make her back off. I saw it as an investment in to my karma bank account and then could absolve myself of guilt constantly saying no.

Turns out it's like feeding a piraña. One bite isn't enough.

I have now chosen my charities carefully and will be doing something with a Valentine's theme for said chosen charity- but will not be harassing people into buying (at least they get something in return for their money rather than hassle!!)

OP posts:
glueandstick · 19/01/2016 17:28

Hullygully. I read that as baby cheeses and got all excited. I'm so hungry all the time :(

OP posts:
iciclewinter · 19/01/2016 17:32

Just say that you'd respectfully request that she doesn't ask you to help with her church-related events any more. Repeat as applicable.

Heatherplant · 19/01/2016 18:34

There is one like this at my church! I find her more tolerable since I un followed her on FB. I've ended up being pretty blunt with her and she's now got the message. I will put money on the fact others at the church will find her hard work too.

glueandstick · 20/01/2016 15:51

Bloody hell. Another invitation to another charity event. I'm all for charity but this is getting bloody ridiculous (deleted not responded to btw)

OP posts:
Heatherplant · 20/01/2016 16:11

I'm now paranoid we know the same person. The ignoring didn't work, I was really blunt along the lines of 'I'm not giving to that as a cause, I can't see how the money is being spent wisely'. The un following was to stop my news feed becoming drowned in utter crap without un friending her and making a big drama for her to feed off.

CaptainCrunch · 20/01/2016 16:40

You sound like a really good friend of mine OP, she is like a big den mother and takes in all sorts of poor souls under her wing and into her home.

She's a wonderful person and anyone who dismissed her the way this "friend" dismissed you would be getting a kick in the nuts from me.

Don't go changing OP, you sound like a top bird.

CaptainCrunch · 20/01/2016 16:40

Whoops! I've just posted the above in the wrong thread...sorry OP...slinks off...

LaurieFairyCake · 20/01/2016 16:48

You shouldn't have given her half!

She now thinks you're apparently her fucking mentor/benefactor

Big girl pants - tell her to do one more strongly

glueandstick · 20/01/2016 20:29

What with it being the season of good will I was trying to be nice. No more. I'm in full ignore mode.

Heatherplant- let's hope it is the same person. Otherwise this means there is more than one out there.

OP posts:
springydaffs · 20/01/2016 23:11

There are a lot of erm messed up ppl in the church ime. She may look back on this time and cringe. She sounds quite manic, addicted to the latest thing, exclusively blinkered about her latest fad. Perhaps she is so devoted to her latest fads she can't see a friendship with anyone outside of them (rather like a drinker wants drinking friends), which is why she is obsessively inviting you to share in the same obsessions as her!

It's up to you to drive in some boundary stakes! She is stomping all over your boundaries - intentionally or unintentionally - in her obsessive quest/s. I have 'friends' like her and they genuinely don't see anything wrong in it - they're 'get things done' sorts - and it's easy to get caught up in their causes... until we get burnt and pull back.

You may not want to knock the friendship on the head entirely but you could certainly do with regrouping. All in good time, you have enough on your plate. Congratulations btw Flowers

Hihohoho1 · 21/01/2016 00:04

Simple op. Just don't reply. That's it. No texts no FB no phone calls and don't answer the door.

Simples.

iciclewinter · 21/01/2016 00:18

Wouldn't it be easier (and kinder) just to ask this person to stop making these invitations, instead of ignoring her until she gets the hint (which might not happen).

glueandstick · 21/01/2016 14:44

Perhaps a former approach is needed but I really think you could hammer home the point with a pick axe and it still wouldn't get through. Hey ho. Not the end of the world.

OP posts:
EnriqueTheRingBearingLizard · 21/01/2016 19:58

It's always nice to be kind and gentle when possible, but this woman obviously hasn't got the message that way.

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