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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Family wedding but inconsistant family members invited and veil issue

241 replies

shutupaboutstarwars · 18/01/2016 19:49

So my cousin has decided to have no children at her wedding but hasn't bothered to explain anything to me just sent the same impersonal email round to everyone. My brother's child is invited.
Background rant: she was bridesmaid at my wedding, she is Godmother to my DS1 who will be just a couple of years younger than she was she was when she was bridesmaid at my wedding (14). She will be wearing the same antique veil that has been in the family for several generations. I have fond memories of making a comment to her at my own wedding about how she would be the next to wear it. DB's child will be under a year old at the wedding so they have decided that that will be ok even though the wedding invite says that without children there everyone will be able to enjoy themselves and relax more . My DB has told me that he feels very guilty that his DS has been invited but my DCs haven't. I have been told that the reason that they aren't inviting any children is to cut down on costs but I am not actually sure that this is true or not.
I currently can't even look at my own wedding photos without getting upset when I look at the veil so don't even think that I could cope with being at the wedding without my children being there. My husband has refused to go unless the children are invited but we haven't told anyone yet. It would be 6 hours travelling in the car. I didn't take DCs to the previous 2 weddings on this side of the family as 1was abroad and the other would have involved lots of travelling across London and back as to keep costs down the registry office ceremony and the evening reception were miles apart and separated by hours as well. DS1 has ASD and we felt they the previous 2 weddings would involve so much upheaval for him for such a short period of time at the wedding that it would be inappropriate to go. This wedding is somewhere he has been to before and we would also be able to have access to somewhere quiet if he wasn't coping well.
So do we just say that we can't get child care and so DH and I can't go? Do I go on my own and spend the day feeling like s@&t. Or do I go down the emotional blackmail route about how DN is allowed but mine aren't, how horrible it would be for it to stop being a family veil because my DD won't get to see it and I wish that I had never worn the veil in the 1st place?
I don't want to cause a family argument but I feel that my cousin should at least have bothered to explain personally. It has been years since she had even bothered to send her godson a present and we have been saying for a while how selfish that she can be at times.

OP posts:
PiperChapstick · 18/01/2016 22:57

oh BadLad that thinly veiled insult was unnecessary

BackforGood · 18/01/2016 23:01

I wish she'd come back and explain, but I somehow suspect that's unlikely now.....

LeanneBattersby · 18/01/2016 23:07

Tsskk to all those trying to rush the OP back to the thread. Maybe she's simply not aveilable.

GigiB · 18/01/2016 23:09

Maybe she emailed you because she knew you'd have a hissy fit, make it all about you and not come

...and she fancied a wedding day (without drama) that was about her and her new husband?

PitPatKitKat · 18/01/2016 23:12

Just say you're not aveilable.

Scoopmuckdizzy · 18/01/2016 23:22

I think YABU. This has obviously upset you though. Why don't you see how you feel in a day or two? Child free weddings really aren't that unusual.

LeaLeander · 18/01/2016 23:37

I had numerous aunts, uncles & adult cousins who had the status of aunt or uncle. Never attended a single one of their weddings. Never thought twice about it. Our family was all about adult parties being for adults, not kids. We all survived quite well.

SistersOfPercy · 18/01/2016 23:56

She's off at a concert..... Pierce The Veil.

As you were.

MidniteScribbler · 19/01/2016 01:43

I think the veil is something that was dragged in after the disappointment at her DD not being invited. I wouldn't really consider a 14 year old to be a child, and unless there is some extreme behavioural issue we don't know about, I imagine she is able to act perfectly well at the event.

I might be jaded on this, but I still remember when I was about that age and not invited to the wedding of a close family friend. She used to take me out for dinner, I heard everything about the wedding, she even had me help her make the wedding favours, but then the invitation arrived and it was only for my parents. It really hurt and I never saw in quite the same way again.

Whilst I don't agree with child free weddings myself, I can see why people may not want younger children there, but I think a 14 year old close member of the family should be invited.

CaoNiMao · 19/01/2016 01:56

Some people really do get worked up over such small and inconsequential things.

Italiangreyhound · 19/01/2016 02:26

I am not sure if you have come back to your thread or not but here is my advice...

Re So do we just say that we can't get child care and so DH and I can't go?Yes, if you really do not want to go anyway.

Re Do I go on my own and spend the day feeling like s@&t. No, I would not do that, if you can't go and enjoy it then don't bother.

Re Or do I go down the emotional blackmail route about how DN is allowed but mine aren't.. I wouldn't personally do that but I would say how much I would like to bring my kids and I would offer to pay for them, if you feel that is appropriate to do.

Re ...how horrible it would be for it to stop being a family veil because my DD won't get to see it and I wish that I had never worn the veil in the 1st place? This is a total overreaction. The veil is a family heirloom and will continue to be so whether your dd sees it on someone else. (Bear in mind she may not wish to wear it one day anyway, some people don;t like to follow tradition.) if you wore it it was special to you and your dd may appreciate it.

I really think you need to chill out about this and not worry too much.

At the end of the day a wedding is to celebrate the happy couple in the way they would like to celebrate. It is not about providing a nice time for your kids, who may not enjoy the wedding anyway. My dd has autistic tendencies and I am not sure she is mad keen on weddings.

leopardgecko · 19/01/2016 02:31

OP, I have never read such an irrational, entitled and over the top post. Are you unwell? Can't look at photos, the veil.....OMG, just brilliant, really brilliant!! It, and the wonderfully clever posts of others, have made me cry with laughter. I have had a shit day and you have brightened it Thank you so much. Hilarious!!!

(surely this can't be real???)

YakTriangle · 19/01/2016 06:26

Well it would've been nice to get some clarification on some points in the OP, but everyone jumped in for a good kicking and she's buggered off!

I don't understand the bit about it not being a family veil if members of your family wear it without your daughter being there. I hope you come back to explain that part Confused

LadyPenelope68 · 19/01/2016 06:55

Their wedding, their choice, you are being extremely over-dramatic, particularly about a veil.

LadyPenelope68 · 19/01/2016 06:56

And as for not being able to look at your own wedding photos because of the issue you are making over the veil, is just beyond belief!!!

Bunbaker · 19/01/2016 07:00

Who wears veils these days anyway?

Katenka · 19/01/2016 07:07

I see a lot of veils at weddings but. Never worn over the face. So more like a hair accessory.

Never understand it. As a hair accessory, they are cumbersome.

fidel1ne · 19/01/2016 07:08

I currently can't even look at my own wedding photos without getting upset when I look at the veil

What? Why?

1AngelicFruitCake · 19/01/2016 07:12

One of our best friends had a child free wedding and our baby was only 4 months and exclusively breastfed. Cue me expressing like mad for the first part of her life in preparation. It was a stressful day for us. She's now 19 months and I would have no issue leaving her. Children under one should be treated differently and they don't cost!

There is a broach that is passed on on my small family for girls to wear.y cousin couldn't come to my wedding but when the time comes I would still assume that she'd wear it on her bouquet.

fidel1ne · 19/01/2016 07:12

Whoops missed 75 posts + Blush

Just say you're not aveilable.

PitPat Grin

Seriously though, OP we need a full explanation to aid relations with the drama llamas in our own lives. It would be a humanitarian service.

SkiptonLass2 · 19/01/2016 08:32

We had a child free wedding, with the exception of babes in arms, which is a different situation I think. We had three babies in the end.
Not that I should have to justify it , but we did it for several reasons:

About half of the people there have two or three kids. To invite them would have reduced our already quite small wedding to about ten guests as children counted as one.

The venue was not safe for children.

I've seen some absolutely shocking behaviour at weddings- one where someone's toddler was sitting on the brides dress as she walked up the aisle, getting it mucky and tearing it and the parents sat by filming... in that 'oh she's so spirited' way,

We just didn't want kids there - it was a grown up do.

It's their wedding and their rules. I'm still not entirely sure I understand the issue with the veil Confused

scarlets · 19/01/2016 08:52

I understand that it's disappointing, but you've overreacted OP. They can invite whomever they like, and invitees are free to accept or decline. I do like the idea of a family veil, but you're getting too hung up on it. You'll see other brides wear it, I'm sure.

I'm surprised that your husband is enabling your behaviour. This is where a sensible partner should be telling you gently, to stop being so daft.

Unless there's much more to it, yabu.

SheHasAWildHeart · 19/01/2016 09:05

I've been divorced for years but I can still look at my wedding photos without getting traumatised, so I really don't understand how OP gets that upset over photos of her veil.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 19/01/2016 09:52

Yabu and a Veilzilla

maybebabybee · 19/01/2016 09:52

Aw, the OP never came back :(