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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Another wedding one! Sorry!

70 replies

Notimefortossers · 18/01/2016 13:23

So my 'best' friend is getting married this summer. We've been friends for 15 years and have always openly called each other 'best friends', sisters even.

I got married two years ago and she was my maid of honour. We had a small ceremony followed by a big party. Only immediate family attended the ceremony, plus her and her family.

I thought it was a bit odd that she'd not mentioned or asked me about my role at her wedding yet, but thought she was just leaving things late as she is with a lot of other things. Whenever we'd hypothetically talked about our weddings in the past we'd always said we'd be each others bridesmaids.

Then I find out, via facebook, the other day that she has 4 bridesmaids and I'm not one of them.

Now on the one had I know IABU. It's her wedding and she can have who she likes. But is it U that it still hurts?! Just feels like I've been shown my true place. Out of all the people in the world, she was my number one, but for her I'm not even in the top 4? Clearly our friendship means more to me than it does to her.

Also, I know they plan a similar affair to ours. Small ceremony, big party. Given the fact that I'm not in the wedding party I'm just bracing myself for the fact that we're not even invited to the ceremony and will just be invited to the party along with hundreds of others. I will have a breast fed four month old at the time, so an evening affair won't be easy for me. Feel like just blowing the whole thing off tbh. Would that BU?

Also feel like I should try to detach myself from our friendship a bit to protect myself from any more hurt.

Fully prepared to be told I am totally unreasonable! Give it to me MN!

OP posts:
ricketytickety · 18/01/2016 13:51

Yanbu, because she seems to know it has upset you and yet has not offered any explanation. Like 'thought it would be tricky for you with the baby'. Also, I would be wary of someone who has a friend as a bridesmaid who they slag off all the time. Maybe she's not as nice as you once thought.

Grapejuicerocks · 18/01/2016 13:54

If you don't have some sort of conversation then it will affect your feelings towards her. It will never be the same.

She knows she's handled it badly. She should have told you before and she should certainly have mentioned it afterwards when she asked if you were ok. Why on earth didn't she?

I'm not sure I could get over this after your last conversation.

Seriouslyffs · 18/01/2016 13:57

You sound lovely and she sounds like a drama llama!
Keep your head down and detach. And Flowers! You're having a baby! That's much more exciting.

camelfinger · 18/01/2016 14:00

Yanbu. I was a bridesmaid when I was bfing a young baby. Not the easiest thing but we managed. I was braced for not being asked as my friend had lots of potential bms. In your case It would have been less hurtful if she'd just had the one bridesmaid, or even if she'd said that she assumed you wouldn't want the role. I think that leaving you out like this is deliberate. I would either tell her calmly how you feel (but you probably want to avoid being asked retrospectively) or not mention it but try to come to terms with the fact that she doesn't see you as a best friend.

sephineee · 18/01/2016 14:00

This happened to me! She was at least upfront and said she had particular plans and ideas and knew that I, with my toddler and newborn, would not be able to do them.

It did hurt, it made me feel like I didn't fit into her world as she wanted it represented at her wedding.

It changed my opinion of her if I am honest and our friendship has suffered.

Original poster
Notimefortossers · 18/01/2016 14:00

Yes that's what I'm perhaps realising.

However, not sure I can cut contact with her altogether because we usually meet up every one-two weeks with the kids and the kids are good friends, so would be a bit selfish of me to stop them seeing their friends because of my feelings.

Will just need to wait until I feel ok enough about it to see her without it being obvious that I'm upset

OP posts:
LineyReborn · 18/01/2016 14:01

If you're quite heavily pregnant, and she hasn't contacted you for a week, and she knows damn well what she's done, then she doesn't seem to me much like a best friend at all.

Original poster
Notimefortossers · 18/01/2016 14:03

If you don't have some sort of conversation then it will affect your feelings towards her. It will never be the same.

I think that ship has sailed.

You sound lovely and she sounds like a drama llama!
Keep your head down and detach.

Thank you - and yes. I think I'll do just that

OP posts:
Original poster
Notimefortossers · 18/01/2016 14:05

sephineee Did you tell her you were upset about it?

OP posts:
LeiasBuns · 18/01/2016 14:09

Not exactly the same but I had 3 bridesmaids and didn't get asked back by 2. One was the girlfriend of the best man who we had been very, very close "couple" friends with for years. I thought it would be nice to include her so that all 4 of us were in the main party and she wasn't left out. They married a year later and my dh was their best man. The other was my sil who, again, I thought would be nice to include her in the main party as my db was an usher (actually I did get asked for their one, then unasked!).

The worst thing was everyone assuming I was a bridesmaid both times and me having to correct them!

I thought I was being nice trying to include people like that but unfortunately not everyone thinks the same way. You can't really admit to feeling sad about it either as you come across as crazy or childish! It is up to them after all.

Luckily I have a lovely best friend who was my maid of honour and who I know would ask me when she eventually marries (she says !).

I know how you feel though and it does hurt. Not much you can do though unfortunately Flowers

BasinHaircut · 18/01/2016 14:18

There is clearly a reason she hasn't asked you to be bridesmaid, you need to find out what this is if you want to salvage your friendship.

This is not an oversight, there was a conscious decision to exclude you (going on what you have said and her behaviour after the FB stuff).

It might be because you are pregnant, although if your friend has kids already then this seems less likely to me as I would then assume this was less of an issue for her/them than for a pre-child couple who want a flawlessly executed day.

If the old school friends are her BMs, then maybe any unspoken arrangement you thought you had with her is pre-dated by something she had pledged to them. It might not be so easy as to just have you as well.

LagunaBubbles · 18/01/2016 14:21

The fact she then FB'd who her Bridesmaids were with little regard for your feelings is hurtful to you, I'd be distancing myself from her

This, what a horrible way to find out. Of course it hurts. And no I dont think "the ship has sailed". Unless you speak to her there will be all sorts of resentments to deal with, lack of communication (although it can be difficult at times) is the reason for all sorts of relationship problems.

Wineandrosesagain · 18/01/2016 14:23

YANBU. I think it is a bit of a shock when you realise your 'best friend' doesn't think of you in the same way. No doubt she views you as a friend, but not close enough to be a bridesmaid nor to have a discussion with before she announces her bridesmaids on FB.

Of course you feel hurt and it will affect your friendship. If you don't feel able to ask her about it, I would be simply limit your meetings to child-focused playdates and if you are invited to the wedding and/or evening do, make a decision closer to the date about whether you want to go or not. By that time you will know whether your friendship is likely to continue or not.

Original poster
Notimefortossers · 18/01/2016 14:37

maybe any unspoken arrangement you thought you had with her is pre-dated by something she had pledged to them

I don't think so, because one of them got married last year and didn't have her for a BM. She did have her DD as flower girl though.

I know what you mean about communication Laguna but I don't see how I can speak to her about it without it sounding childish and as though I am raining on her parade.

Not to drip feed, but we did have our first ever argument nearly two years ago now. We spoke and got over it and remained friends but I guess things haven't been completely the same.

I mention it now, because during that argument she basically made it all my fault, even though she was the one that had wronged me, because she suffers with anxiety and I should have considered how it would have made her feel before I said anything about it. If I talk to her about this now, I feel a repeat coming on.

OP posts:
Diddlydokey · 18/01/2016 14:43

There's a few possible reasons;

You are going to have a small baby
Your friendship doesn't mean the same thing to each of you
Your friend wants to have fatter or uglier bridesmaids than her (& you) yes really, I have seen this happen
There are issues that you're unaware of
You might not be good bridesmaid material, too emotional, likely to steal the limelight...

Original poster
Notimefortossers · 18/01/2016 14:43

Although in her defence. She didn't announce her bridesmaids. She tagged them in a post about a free hen do x

OP posts:
AppleSetsSail · 18/01/2016 14:51

Oh, OP. I'm so sorry Flowers

I really feel for you and your email reminded me of an extremely painful falling out that my former BFF (also of about 15 years) had over her wedding. She asked me to be her MOH and I was obviously demoted without her even telling me - I wasn't standing in the MOH spot. Not invited to the bridal suit sleepover.

I still recall it as one of the worst things that's every happened to me, it was like a breakdown of a marriage.

Original poster
Notimefortossers · 18/01/2016 14:54

Did you speak to her about it Apple?

OP posts:
Throwingshade · 18/01/2016 14:56

Oh dear you had a perfect opportunity to just ask her or voice your upset when she messaged you and the second time actually asked if you were upset with her and you said nothing!

I think given you say you had a falling out a couple of years ago (around the time of your own wedding it sounds like??) and things haven't been the same, plus you will have a young breast feeding baby, plus these are three older friends and a cousin...it's all quite clear.

She should have probably told you but maybe she genuinely doesn't see you as close friends anymore and you do?

I'm sorry this is hurtful for you.

wannaBe · 18/01/2016 15:01

Am I the only one who is a bit Hmm at the idea of having four bridesmaids for "a small wedding,"? Op do you really want to be a part of something quite so showy and exhibitionist?

Tbh, if you are good friends then I would just mention That you'd seen who was bridesmaid, and if you'd always had the understanding that you would each be each other's bridesmaid then I would say something like "so what happened to our pact then?" And see how she responds. If you keep it lighthearted then it doesn't need to become a big awkward discussion on either side...

To be honest, if you don't have the ability to communicate like that then I'd say that the friendship isn't as strong as you say it is - on either side.

AppleSetsSail · 18/01/2016 15:01

No, ultimately we did not have a satisfying resolution - she wrote me a letter, I think and I sent her a brief response. I moved from NYC to London and that was that.

She said that she didn't invite me to the bridal suite sleepover because I had a baby with me at the wedding, but I also had a nanny and a husband. I was sort of like, well, here's the difference - I couldn't have faced the night before my wedding without you there, and I would have begged you to find childcare. Selfish? Maybe. I just needed her way more than she needed me.

But there were other, bigger issues at the wedding.

RhiWrites · 18/01/2016 19:19

I agree with throwingshade , your friend asked you twice if you were upset and you said "why would I be" which is kind of passive aggressive and also very deflecting.

Why didn't you say "I was a little sad to discover that I wasn't in your wedding party but I do understand its your choice so I'll get past it and enjoy being a guest st your wedding".

Why keep telling her everything's fine when you're not fine?

Baronessvontwurzel · 18/01/2016 19:33

She's a massive bellend.

I agree with the poster above about being direct is better than PA.

Still, she's a massive bellend. I'd be hurt. And want to sack the whole thing off as well.

GabiSolis · 18/01/2016 19:40

I would be hurt too. And unless there was a good reason I think this would damage the friendship long term.

littleleftie · 18/01/2016 19:43

I would be very hurt.

I agree it is probably best to gradually distance yourself from her, and I wouldn't go to the wedding either.