Another wedding one! Sorry!

[Notimefortossers]

So my 'best' friend is getting married this summer. We've been friends for 15 years and have always openly called each other 'best friends', sisters even.

I got married two years ago and she was my maid of honour. We had a small ceremony followed by a big party. Only immediate family attended the ceremony, plus her and her family.

I thought it was a bit odd that she'd not mentioned or asked me about my role at her wedding yet, but thought she was just leaving things late as she is with a lot of other things. Whenever we'd hypothetically talked about our weddings in the past we'd always said we'd be each others bridesmaids.

Then I find out, via facebook, the other day that she has 4 bridesmaids and I'm not one of them.

Now on the one had I know IABU. It's her wedding and she can have who she likes. But is it U that it still hurts?! Just feels like I've been shown my true place. Out of all the people in the world, she was my number one, but for her I'm not even in the top 4? Clearly our friendship means more to me than it does to her.

Also, I know they plan a similar affair to ours. Small ceremony, big party. Given the fact that I'm not in the wedding party I'm just bracing myself for the fact that we're not even invited to the ceremony and will just be invited to the party along with hundreds of others. I will have a breast fed four month old at the time, so an evening affair won't be easy for me. Feel like just blowing the whole thing off tbh. Would that BU?

Also feel like I should try to detach myself from our friendship a bit to protect myself from any more hurt.

Fully prepared to be told I am totally unreasonable! Give it to me MN!

[Notimefortossers]

Thank you everyone for your support and it appears the general consensus is the same, for whatever reason - I should distance myself and accept that our friendship doesn't mean what I thought it did, which is kind of what I'd decided anyway.

It's sad, but I'm sure I'll get over it in time and I've been thinking of lot's of pro-active ways I can start making new friends.

for you WorriedA

[WorriedA]

Oh OP, I could've written your opening post almost word-for-word. I was in this situation a month or so ago, and I shocked myself at how upset I was. We are in a group of school friends, there are five of us in total, but I'm the one that has kept in frequent contact, lived close, helped out with pets and things. She was married briefly before, and she used to always say how much she regretted not having any friends as bridesmaids. I lived round the corner at the time and spent hours and hours listening to her problems and helping her dust herself off after it all fell apart. She was the first person I came out as gay to. We're even in the same career and I helped her get her foot in the door. I genuinely thought we were pretty close.

So when she got engaged at the end of last year and found out she'd asked the other three friends to be bridesmaids and not me, I was really hurt; far more than I imagined I would be. It wasn't the not being a bridesmaid that hurt, it was the fact she'd obviously looked at our friendship group and decided I was the one person she could sack off.

I've tried telling myself that it's most likely because she knew I would cause the least drama about not being picked. Which is true - at least two of the other three would have been unbearable about it. She's also been bridesmaid to two of them, so I kind of understand that. But part of me feels really sidelined, and I have a niggly feeling that me being gay has something to do with it; I don't get giddy over dresses and nails (although I am fairly girly), and when I came out to her, her first reaction was 'oh my god, you fancy me don't you?' :( (We were 21 and drunk, but still, not quite the supportive reaction I was after).

But she hasn't spoken to me, or even Facebook messaged me (which we used to do 2-3 times a week) since asking the others. I only found out through one of the others who had been picked, they all got a lovely personalised card. I haven't said anything and I'm not going to, but I'm gutted that she doesn't hold our friendship in the same regard as I do.

Anyway, that was a bit of a novel. Just wanted to say I sympathise with you, OP. I didn't have myself down as the sort of person who would be upset by this, but it's really hurt me. Luckily my DB has just got engaged too and I'd much rather be a bridesmaid at his wedding anyway. I'm rather hoping the weddings are on the same day!

[Throwingshade]

I don't know how people can call her every name under the sun on here. We don't know anything about her or her side to this. Op and this woman had a huge falling out a couple of years ago. She might have very good reason for distancing herself - even if 'her side' feels genuinely unreasonable to OP.

Look OP this has given you food for thought as your last post shows that things have not been great between you for a long time. Given that, she doesn't see you as a close friend anymore. Let it go, accept you are not that close anymore and begin to move on. The end of friendships or a seismic shift in a friendship can be very painful but it happens two or three times in a lifetime in my experience.

Good luck with your pregnancy

[Ready123]

I have old friends who I now feel less close to because of sometimes quite silly disagreements. Sometimes it isn't even a disagreement - just a realisation that we are now slightly different people. I was a bridesmaid to one of them in the past but now wouldn't feel entirely comfortable asking her to be my bridesmaid. I think that on your wedding day you need to feel completely happy and supported by the people in the bridal party. While I still value these older friends, I think that now I just don't feel as close as I once did and so it would feel slightly awkward having them as a bridesmaid.

It may be that the row you had has left your friend feeling something like that. It doesn't mean that she doesn't value your friendship but perhaps there are unresolved issues or just a feeling on her part that there is an awkwardness that wasn't there before.

I also think that inviting three old school friends is probably the easiest thing for her to do - it is easier to leave you out than to snub somebody in that group of four.

Try not to worry about it. I completely understand that you are upset, but it doesn't necessarily mean you need to throw the friendship away completely (not that you are suggesting this). People just move on, and I am sure there are lots of other lovely people who you will make friends with in the future!

[herethereandeverywhere]

Yep, my BF/chief bridesmaid was all take and no give. My life has been far less drama and work without her in it. I just needed a period of time to get over that she wasn't the friend I thought.

[ZenNudist]

Ugh she sounds awful. Fair weather friend + needy and insecure, plus really immature to boot. Time to find new friends!

[WonderingAspie]

Hmm she sounds like a shit friend and it's all take take take from her while you do all the giving.

YANBU. She should have at least had the courtesy to tell you why you aren't a BM, I'm guessing she doesn't see you the same since your disagreement 2 years ago. The fact that she has a BM that's she slags off all the time speaks volumes.

I had a group of friends where our DCs all got on well, I had a disagreement with a couple and things were never the same. I did the keep it up for the sake of the DCs, they have other friends and I wasn't going to continue putting myself in awkward situations for the sake of some friends they'd likely drift away from when they were older.

[Notimefortossers]

To be honest, if you don't have the ability to communicate like that then I'd say that the friendship isn't as strong as you say it is - on either side

I would agree, but that feeling is all directly related to the row we had two years ago. Before that we were closer than you could imagine and told each other absolutely everything and we'd been that way for 13 years and been through a lot together and been there for each other at every turn. To be fair, we'd never been tested before because we'd never even really pissed each other off before let alone hurt each other! It's the way that row went that makes me not want a repeat scenario. So yes, since then it's made me feel like I can't tell her as much as it might be taken the wrong way (due to her anxiety - she said). I guess I've kind of walked on egg shells since then, which is where the change has come in. Also, when we had that row she spoke to others about it, I didn't, so now I no longer trust her with my inner most thoughts as I never believed she shared stuff I told her with others. I trusted her completely. It was also around the same time that I fell out with another close friend (wedding related) and she didn't back me either (also due to her anxiety - she said)

This row took place 6 months AFTER my wedding. Roles reversed I don't think I could bin off our 13 amazing years, just because we've had a couple of slightly not quite as good ones. Surely all friendships go through peeks and troughs?

Now that I'm really thinking about it there's been a few times where she's not behaved as what I would call a best friend. Though I'm often berating myself for expecting others to behave as I would. I had a miscarriage and she didn't call me for a week and then when she talked as though it had never happened. My brother was in a devastating car crash and again. I called her to tell her and after that didn't hear from her for ages and then when I did she never even asked after him. AND actually! I told her I was pregnant this time around at about 7 weeks (before anyone else knew) and a few weeks later we were talking and she said something about drinking and I said well I really can't right now and she said she was so sorry she had forgotten!

And if she is happy to bin off those years, why does she still insist on catching up all the time, message to see if I'm alright and if I'm not talking to her etc . . . honestly I just think it's her kind of weird desire to be liked by everyone ever!

Thanks to the PP who said I don't have to continue with the friendship for the sake of my kids. You're right they do have loads of other friends. I'll think on that

[JugglingFromHereToThere]

I'd say it's definitely related to you being pregnant ATM and having a baby by summer.
Partly I think it just doesn't quite fit her narrow bride & bridesmaids image - though I think you said you both have DC too?
Sometimes you find out that people aren't as nice as you thought, or just aren't that good at friendship
You sound lovely yourself though so they'll be other friends in your future however this friendship pans out

[Squiff85]

VERY similar thing happened to me and it hurts. This was 2 years ago and it definitely changed our friendship.

HUGS X

[serin]

She is not worthy of you.

After the way she has treated you, you are still determined not to upset her before her wedding.

All credit to you, you deserve a medal.

[herethereandeverywhere]

OP, sympathies.

I had this with my chief bridesmaid. It wasn't that she didn't ask me to be bridesmaid, it was that she didn't tell me her decision. It came out as an aside in a conversation like I was supposed it be OK with it, why wouldn't I be?

TBH our friendship never recovered. Once shown my true place I didn't feel the need to invest in the friendship anymore.

[Underparmummy]

(Name changed from sephineee)

No I didnt. She went on to have two children close together soon after and I did wonder if she ever thought of me and her wedding when the second was a month old.

I get that I wasn't going to be a part of the traditional bridesmaid set (think there were 5 plus 2 flower girls in the end) but i would have loved to be included in some way in the day.

I'd had kids before anyone else and I felt like it made me different and not wanted in the fun.

She'd been my only bridesmaid apart from my tiny daughter about 10 months before.

I couldn't think of a way to say anything and so just kind of accepted I'd been deemed not worthy or 'cool'.

[AmandaTanen]

My best friend didn't ask me to be a bridesmaid, but chose 2 girls who she was close to after leaving her home town. I was taken out for drinks to explain why I hadn't made the grade, bloody awful way to do it. It did make me re-evaluate our friendship, I got a grip and got on with life.

[ZenNudist]

Ywnbu to blow off the evening do on account of bf and having a 4mo.

If she invites you go to the wedding. I'd just be cool about it and rethink who your other friends are, perhaps invest more in some other friends.

You sound fairly balanced about it. It's ok to be hurt, it's not ok to say anything to her.

She's done you a favour, having to be in the wedding party and deal with newborn would be shit. In fact weddings and babies are shit. If you'd been asked I don't doubt you'd have tried very hard to accommodate both but now you don't have to. Also thank god you don't have to plan a hen do nor do you have to feel obliged to go to it.

losing a friend is hard. You can still see her as usual if you want to it's not like this has to be the end of the friendship, but if she cools anyway about you but being invested in her big day then I'd just let it slide.

[Blondeshavemorefun]

then thats your reason, sorry posted too early

[Blondeshavemorefun]

you should have said something to her when she asked

i prob still would say something but thats me, so if has 4 who are longer friends then you and her and a family member and you will have a small baby

[BeanGirls]

Sorry posted only half. What I mean is, maybe she thinks it would all be too much for you. It's full on being a bridesmaid.

[BeanGirls]

If you think attending an evening party would be too much while your breastfeeding, how would you manage being a bridesmaid?

[HermioneWeasley]

She sounds hard work. You do NOT have to keep up this friendship for the kids - your children will make other friends, I promise. Let this one drift...

[littleleftie]

I would be very hurt.

I agree it is probably best to gradually distance yourself from her, and I wouldn't go to the wedding either.

[GabiSolis]

I would be hurt too. And unless there was a good reason I think this would damage the friendship long term.

[Baronessvontwurzel]

She's a massive bellend.

I agree with the poster above about being direct is better than PA.

Still, she's a massive bellend. I'd be hurt. And want to sack the whole thing off as well.

[RhiWrites]

I agree with throwingshade , your friend asked you twice if you were upset and you said "why would I be" which is kind of passive aggressive and also very deflecting.

Why didn't you say "I was a little sad to discover that I wasn't in your wedding party but I do understand its your choice so I'll get past it and enjoy being a guest st your wedding".

Why keep telling her everything's fine when you're not fine?

[AppleSetsSail]

No, ultimately we did not have a satisfying resolution - she wrote me a letter, I think and I sent her a brief response. I moved from NYC to London and that was that.

She said that she didn't invite me to the bridal suite sleepover because I had a baby with me at the wedding, but I also had a nanny and a husband. I was sort of like, well, here's the difference - I couldn't have faced the night before my wedding without you there, and I would have begged you to find childcare. Selfish? Maybe. I just needed her way more than she needed me.

But there were other, bigger issues at the wedding.