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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To steal my Cat back?

58 replies

HairySubject · 18/01/2016 10:31

I will put in all of the background so as not to drip feed.

When my exp moved in with me he brought his cat. Previously Cat and Ex had lived with his mother. Exp moved out a few years later but cat stayed.

The cat was never very loyal, would disappear for days on end but always came back and actually set up home with one of my neighbours. it spent some nights at ours and some nights at theirs, we both fed it and loved it.

In October I had to move, the plan was for me to live in a new house for a month and then after that month to move into Exp's mums house as she was moving away. Exp lives elsewhere.

Because I was moving twice and Cat had already lived at Exp's mums house most of its life we decided that Cat should go straight there and then when I moved in he would be my cat again.

Well at some point between him moving back there and me moving in Cat ran away. No one told me until I moved in and asked where he was. Exp's mum and I don't have a great relationship and wouldn't ever cjat but I would have thought they might mention my missing cat.

So by the time I found out Cat had been missing about a month. I looked for him around the area but couldn't see him, rang local vets, he hadn't been brought in. He is an old cat so I resigned to the fact that he had died but still kept an eye out for him in the area.

I had to go back to our old area last week and there was Cat, I couldn't get him straight away because I was walking the kids to the dentist and couldn't A) take the cat with me or B) carry the cat the couple of miles back on foot.

When I went back to collect him our old neighbours said they were keeping him, he was settled and that they had heard I wasn't looking after him (I wasn't no, I had left him in the care of people that I trusted too though!) . They won't give him back. They said he went back there looking for them but they he could just of easily been looking for us, he didn't know I had moved and was going to join him at Exp's Mums.

Would I be unreasonable to sneak round and steal him back or should I leave him be, he is settled, well looked after and an old cat who has already got his place in the picking order of the area and would have to assert himself again if I brought him home.

I just miss my Cat and the kids miss him too. However would it be worse on the kids if I brought him back and he ran off again?

Oh and I am allergic to him! Remind me again why I want to go cat napping?!

OP posts:

bringambuy · 18/01/2016 11:15

My in laws' cat moved to live with a neighbour after they moved from their house to a flat and started spending a lot of weekends away after they retired. The neighbour used to feed him and I guess he just felt living with her was more stable. I think he was about 15 at the time!

Given that he'd disappeared, knowing where he is and that he's safe and well is a definite win.

I can understand it's upsetting for you, but from the cat's point of view you were out of the frame anyway as he'd been sent to live elsewhere. I doubt very much he was able to understand the concept of a temporary stay with your exp's mother until you came to live there!

(Just struck me it would be interesting to hear the cat's side of the story :D )

PuppyMonkey · 18/01/2016 11:16

I also think you should leave cat where he is now tbh and then you can get a new kitten.

SinkyMalinks · 18/01/2016 11:17

We acquired a cat this way. Our first cat in fact, so I've no idea why he chose us. Just appeared one day, sat and wouldn't leave. Didn't feed him (would have know then what he'd have eaten!) and drove him back to his owners (had a collar), about 5min drive away.

He beat us home. 3 times.

You can't tell a cat what to do.

(We had him for 6 happy years, he then disappeared. I like to think he has a new comfy home now)

Original poster

HairySubject · 18/01/2016 11:18

Fidel1ne Yep, that is right, can't stand the woman and she hates me too, prior to moving into her house we hadn't spoken for over two years but us living in her house works, I don't have to see her she has moved across the country and won't be coming back.

I know you are all right and that since he is being cared for and loved I should leave him there. It just stings

I won't get another cat because I am allergic (didn't know until he moved in), it's only this particular cat that I am willing to put up with the symptoms for, I wouldn't knowingly go out and get another.

OP posts:

fidel1ne · 18/01/2016 11:20

Fidel1ne Yep, that is right, can't stand the woman and she hates me too, prior to moving into her house we hadn't spoken for over two years but us living in her house works, I don't have to see her she has moved across the country and won't be coming back.

But she owns it? So no guarantee it will work out (?)

I vote leave the cat where it's settled, in that case.

Youarenotthebossofme · 18/01/2016 11:22

Poor you, cats just don't understand... Even though you and the children love him and he loves you too, his connection to his home is stronger. When I was little we moved house, the previous owners had a lovely cat that they took with them. A few weeks later this cat reappeared at his old home. The old neighbours tracked him down and took him back but a few weeks later he reappeared at his old home again. My parents didn't want the cat even though he spent all of his time sitting by the door or peering in the windows! Our next door neighbours took him in as his owners realised he wasn't going to stay put with them in their new house. She fed him and looked after him, even though he still spent a lot of time staring in our windows!
My sister also has a cat that used to belong to a neighbour that moved away. Though they weren't actually interested in keeping the cat when they moved. My sister rang the old owner to say that the cat had reappeared in the neighbourhood and the owner wasn't that bothered about picking the cat up. The old owner did come and get it after a few days but the cat ran away again and my sister realised that the old owner wasn't that fussed about keeping it. So my sister was eventually adopted by this cat.
If you can bear to give him up, write a note to your old neighbour thanking them for taking care of him. Ask them if the children and you can come and visit to give him a cuddle and bring him some cat nibbles (or all your left over cat food!)

Original poster

HairySubject · 18/01/2016 11:23

Stairbears I don't talk to exp's mum unless I have too. I assumed that since Ex was round there a lot he would have mentioned it or they would have mentioned it.

I asked how he was during the settling in period but then assumed he was ok unless they mentioned otherwise. The moving took a couple of weeks longer than expected due to issues on their side.

OP posts:

Original poster

HairySubject · 18/01/2016 11:25

fidel1ne His sister actually owns it, she bought it from his mum, it's complicated but I am confident that they won't be coming back, we have proper contracts in place and whilst no, there are no guarantees, it is as stable as any other rental.

OP posts:

fidel1ne · 18/01/2016 11:30

Is the cat microchipped?

Original poster

HairySubject · 18/01/2016 11:33

I am not sure fidel1ne I will have to ask ex, they had owned the cat for about 7/8 years before moving in with me so I assume they have all of that sorted. Ex has the pet insurance so I would guess it is registered to him or his mum.

OP posts:

BernardsarenotalwaysSaints · 18/01/2016 11:40

Yes take him back! My neighbour has stolen my cat & I can never manage to get him back for more than a couple of days before she nabs him again! We're currently being visited regularly by a kitten, cute as he is I've never been tempted to keep him for myself. He has a habit of shooting through the door & upstairs so I have to go & find him & put him back out. I'm not quite sure what the fascination with us is? I never have cat food down unless my cat is actually here & the dog, while ok with our cat, isn't overtly friendly with him.

stairbears · 18/01/2016 11:50

A pet should be loved as part of the family. You assumed all was well - that clearly wasn't good enough, as all was not well. You don't put your own discomfort of having to talk to the mother above the welfare of a pet. When your former neighbours thought the cat wasn't being care of properly, that was clearly actually the case. It's not right that your pet went awol. Instead of blaming other people and plotting to steal him back because you miss him, make his welfare a priority and leave him be.

SouthWesterlyWinds · 18/01/2016 11:54

Leave him. He's old and settled.

Original poster

HairySubject · 18/01/2016 11:54

Stairbears The cat was loved as part of the family, as a loving owner I thought I was doing best by the cat not making him move twice, instead I sent him to a home and people he was already familiar with. I also don't think it is unreasonable to assume that if someone is looking after your pet, they would tell you if it ran away!

However you do so we will have to accept that we disagree on this occasion.

OP posts:

OhShutUpThomas · 18/01/2016 11:58

Id take him back. Cheeky fuckers

SomebodySedateMe · 18/01/2016 11:59

You didn't bother to check if he was chipped in the 8 years that he occasionally lived with you? Did you keep his regular vet appointments? Keep up with his vaccinations?

Leave him be. The cat sounds better off without you.

stairbears · 18/01/2016 12:01

You said that the mother hates you though? I'd not leave any luggage, let alone anyone I cared about there. You made the wrong choice obviously. It would be cruel now to rectify it by stealing him back though.

Original poster

HairySubject · 18/01/2016 12:03

He didn't live with me for 8 years, he lived with Ex and his mother, when he moved in with me, about 3 years ago Ex took him to the vet as it was his cat. When ex moved out last year the cat stayed with me but ex still had him insured etc. He probably would have wanted to take the cat with him had he had been allowed pets in his new home, as it was he left him with us and still saw him regularly when he came round to visit his son.

OP posts:

Original poster

HairySubject · 18/01/2016 12:05

Stairbear She hates me, not the cat! I also leave my son with her, shock horror, because it is me she has issue with. Not my son, not the cat that she owned for twice as long as I did, just me.

OP posts:

fidel1ne · 18/01/2016 12:13

I'd take him back too, if this is likely to be permanent move.

They are beyond cheeky sods. Microchip documents would help to get him back without balaclavas, though

SevenOfNineTrue · 18/01/2016 12:13

Considering his age, I'd leave him be. He seems happy and settled there and they clearly love him dearly.

There are always plenty of cats looking for new homes from rescue centres if you'd like a cat.

stairbears · 18/01/2016 12:15

But she didn't tell you cat had gone awol. So whilst she clearly should have done, you also made the wrong choice in leaving him there and also in not showing more of an interest. Too late to make amends now...

Original poster

HairySubject · 18/01/2016 12:19

Oh dear Stairbears Are you my Ex neighbour? Yes I was clearly mistaken to think that my ex MIL was a normal human being who would mention a missing cat. I hold my hands up, error of judgement. I don't however agree that it was neglectful to leave him with her. I did what seemed to be the right thing for a cat that I didn't want to get lost.
When I leave my child with her I don't expect regular status updates either btw, quick ring 101!

OP posts:

Original poster

HairySubject · 18/01/2016 12:22

fidel1ne that actually hadn't occurred to me. Exp said, if you want him back I will go round and get him. I assumed he meant he would argue it out with the neighbour, possible he meant he would take the documents round and demand him back, it hadn't occurred to me that it is possible, to be honest I thought only dogs got microchips. Ex and his mum had had him for years before I came on the scene so it never came up.

I think it is probably kinder to leave him be, sad as it makes me, but will suggest to ex he sorts out the microchip business and while he is there makes sure they have insurance.

OP posts:

stairbears · 18/01/2016 12:24

You'd ask though, after at least several weeks had passed with no news, right?!

I maintain that you had a duty of care that you failed in. If you can talk to the woman and your exp about your son, you can talk to them about the cat ffs.

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