Wibu to 'forget' dh's food ?

[IamSantaClaus]

Dh and I have a bit of a battle with the heating in our house . I have inflammatory arthritis and tend to be more sore when it's cold. I also take beta blockers which make my hands and feet cold.

I had started setting the heat to come on at 5am so everybody isn't getting up in the freezing cold . I asked dh to set it last night and he just didn't ( deliberately ) dcs and I are now freezing.

It's a bit of a silly thing to be annoyed about but it has really annoyed me . The house takes forever to heat up.

Wibu to 'forget' the food dh likes when I do the food shopping today? Too petty?

You know what our relationship is great otherwise . We just really can't see eye to eye on the heating thing

He's seen me during bad flare ups so he's well aware of how bad the pain can be . He's had to help me get dressed on occasion . I don't have a flare at the moment but still have a certain level of chronic pain .

If your relationship is genuinely great besides this can you not make some quiet time to seriously talk about it, lay out how much it hurts you physically and what you need (ie on at 5am) and ask whether he can support you in this?

Does he have a good reason for not wanting it on at 5? I wake up uncomfortably hot if the heating comes on early, so I put it on when I wake up so the house is warm enough for DH and his arthritis by the time I'm out of the shower. Is there a compromise like that that would work for you?

He leaves the house at 6.45 so up about 6.30 and we get up around 7 . Ds was up a lot last night so I'm also tired ( grumpy)

I think I would do the food thing to hammer home that its inconvenient when you are not working as a team. Or say to him what if you didn't get his food, How would he feel?

If he's ignoring your medical needs and you're contemplating forgetting on purpose to buy food he likes then you don't have a great relationship I'm afraid. This is really dysfunctional

Yes I'm
Going to have to talk to him about it properly instead of just getting pissed off .

Hippy - the only problem with that for us is that dcs are usually awake at 6.30/7 so I'm up anytime then and there wouldn't be enough time to heat up the house

Your husband deliberately didn't put the heating on, leaving you potentially in pain and discomfort? I'd say you have a different definition of a 'great relationship' than me - my OH would struggle to remember but if my well being defended on it he'd have reminder post-its and phone alerts. Actually we'd have it on timer but thats by the by.....

That's it neon it's just little things to make each other's life easier / nicer. I think he'd be a bit annoyed which is what I want to do now that I'm cold and angry but I'll probably feel too bad to do that when I've calmed down .

In all honesty there's nothing wrong with our relationship and I'm perfectly happy except for the fact that he doesn't seem to understand that I need the heating on more

Could you get an electric blanket?

I hate overheated houses, but no way would I be gaving any kind of battle with someone whose medical needs meant the house needed to be warmer than my preference.

Being a bit too hot isn't that bad.

Why does he care so little about something that is essential for your quality of life?

There is no legitimate battle here. You should win hands down.

Making your condition worse to save money is atrocious.

And no, I wouldn't be buying nice food for someone so unkind.

If he's doing it deliberately I would be furious and had some very angry words with him.

Anything you can do to tweek it? I have no idea what your settings are. Something like have it come on an hour earlier but then goes off half an hour earlier in the morning. Then another adjustment in the afternoon. I get that the cold causes you pain so you do need to be warm enough but his he walking around uncomfortably roasting? I've just come back form staying with an elderly relative who has the house like a sauna. This is necessary for them but I had to keep standing outside in the snow and a t shirt to stop steaming. Knackered because it was too not to sleep. Or of course he could be wandering around in 3 jumpers and a hat stressing about turning off the heating.

I think I'm just going to talk to him
Later on and hammer home my point . He's not a horrible person at all just doesn't seem to get this about the heating

I agree with others, no petty revenge because this is quite a serious issue that needs discussing again.

I feel quite sad for you that he won't do this given your level of pain and discomfort.

Sorry if you have answered this but for a start can you set the heating for 6.30am so it's not hot by the time he's leaving? The house should be warmed up in half an hour unless you live somewhere very large? Or even at 6 rather than 5?

It's not really very hard to get, is it?

Yes 6 might work . That seems like a decent compromise

It is not about understanding really, is it?

I mean, a small child could understand that.

Yes, you should definitely compromise on your health and wellbeing.

Thanks all , going to bow out now . Will talk to dh later and will not be freezing tomorrow morning

If he's happy to know that you are in pain to save a few pounds on heating bills then it's not a great relationship.

I might try a different approach with him - instead of forgetting his food, cost out the boilers which can be set using a phone app. Perhaps call a couple of boiler installers to get a rough idea of costs. Then when he comes home tonight, tell him that there is clearly a problem with the boiler as it didn't come on this morning, however these are the costs for a suitable replacement.

Have a proper 'Are you honestly happy for me to be cold and in pain for the sake of a couple of pounds a week?' conversation. Get it properly out in the open and make him face it.

DH has a very physical job. He often gets in from work and immediately starts grumbling about how hot it is, how expensive the bills are, turns off the heating and bangs around the house with the hump. And hour later he's saying it's nippy, turning the heaters back on (all electric house, no central heating) and apologising.

But why we have to go through this pantomime a few times a week through the winter is beyond me. He does at least always apologise though.

I wouldn't bother with the whole forgetting his food shopping as then it just becomes tit for tat.

I would sit and talk to him properly so that he can be in no doubt how the cold affects you. I know he must be aware already but if you sit and point out to him how sore and uncomfortable the cold makes you how could he continue to do what he does without coming across as completely thoughtless.

Good luck with the talk OP