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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to not let DSD's boyfriend stay all week?

71 replies

ImNotChangingMyUsernameAgain · 17/01/2016 21:44

DSD has just got her first job close to where we live and as she has not yet sorted out somewhere to live she is staying with us. We are delighted to have her and she is welcome to stay as long as she likes.

Both last weekend and this weekend her boyfriend has stayed here. He is a perfectly nice chap although I did have to ask DH to ask him to get dressed when it appeared that he was planning to join us for lunch in pyjama bottoms and a t-shirt.

Anyway it turns out that the boyfriend is also flat hunting before starting a new job (separately from DSD) and it appears that he expects to stay here for the week in order to do so.

AIBU to say he can stay tonight but that I do not expect him to be here all week or hanging around my house when DSD is out at work all day.

They are both recent graduates (so early 20s) and I just don't see it as my responsibility to house an adult that I barely know and who hasn't even had the courtesy to ask either directly or through DSD.

OP posts:

Roussette · 18/01/2016 08:24

Of course both your DSD and the bf should be asking you! Who on earth thinks it's right just to roll up and doss down in someone's house for weeks without even discussing it?! I would also be wanting to know how likely this arrangement would be for, that's not a lot to ask bearing in mind you've suddenly found another adult living in your house! My cousin who I don't know well, lives on the coast in a little Cornish village. Perhaps I'll just roll up there for a few weeks without asking! It's all about manners surely...

I have adult DCs, when they were living at home, it was very much open house here and I loved having their friends round. However... now they're all independent and live away I feel a bit differently. I am more than happy with them coming home and staying here with their gfs/bfs, I love seeing them, I love the banter, I love yakking round the dinner table with them all. However, I feel a bit different about an open house, pile in, have a party here thing.

One of my DC's wanted a party get together of all her Uni mates whilst we were on holiday. When pushed she said it would be about 15 people. She left Uni 6 years ago and has been living away from home for 9 years. I said No and told her to have it in her own flat! She wanted it here for a change. I didn't want a crowd of mid to late 20's people I don't know in my home whilst I was away. She was most miffed.

OP YANBU

Roussette · 18/01/2016 08:24

First para "how long this arrangement would be for...

Ragwort · 18/01/2016 08:39

It would seriously annoy me - and no way do I consider 'pyjamas & a T shirt' suitable dress for lunch. . It shows a total lack of respect for his hosts.

I have a teenage DS and I am dreading this sort of thing happening in the future. I don't want to be the 'cool' mum who says it's OK for boy/girl friends to hang around - particularly if I am out working & they are lounging around in bed all day or only making half hearted efforts to find a job.

maybebabybee · 18/01/2016 09:08

I don't give a shit about the pyjamas but I still don't think the OP IBU in this.

The OP, to be fair, hasn't asked if we would all mind- us minding or not minding means diddly squat here. She asked if she was reasonable to be annoyed that she hadn't been asked by the DSD.

I wouldn't care, I don't think, if someone was going to stay in my house for a week, but I would certainly care about not being asked, particularly by another grown adult. It's common courtesy, surely?

Janeymoo50 · 18/01/2016 09:11

Hmm, bit of a cheek not discussing with you, it could take several weeks to sort a flat out too! YANBU.

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 18/01/2016 09:17

I'd let him stay, but I'd expect him to be out of the house during the day. I wouldn't want a stranger staying in my house while no-one else was in. That's the key bit for me. I also wouldn't worry myself about where he'd go on the grounds that he's an adult.

Leelu6 · 18/01/2016 09:23

YANBU. It's rude and presumptuous of him to assume he can stay.

It could also take ages for him to find a flat, if he thinks he's welcome at yours indefinitely.

Your DH needs to have a word.

lostInTheWash · 18/01/2016 09:24

I wouldn't want a stranger staying in my house while no-one else was in.

^^This.

Though if asked I'd probably reluctantly let him stay but ask that he is out during the day.

FannyFanakapan · 18/01/2016 09:31

I would not want someone i did not invite in my house while I was at work - how well do you know him, and how long have they been together? I would insist that he leaves the house at the same time as you and does not come back until you are home - he could be snooping around all your stuff, looking on your computer, reading correspondence. Not on.

Also, I would agree that as an univited guest who has imposed himself on you, he should show respect by being up and dressed when he comes downstairs. I would not accept a stranger walking around in PJs in front of the kids at weekends either.

chrome100 · 18/01/2016 09:46

I think you all sound a little uptight. It's one week - not very long. And I also don't see the issue in wearing PJs for lunch unless it was a formal, Christmas dinner type affair.

maybebabybee · 18/01/2016 09:51

I think you all sound a little uptight. It's one week - not very long

For pete's sake, that's not the point. The point is she wasn't asked.

Orangeanddemons · 18/01/2016 09:52

I quite often wear pjs for lunch....

Original poster

ImNotChangingMyUsernameAgain · 18/01/2016 10:16

Actually the PJs thing wound me up the most because it's just not what we do. When in Rome......etc.

Anyway the boyfriend has departed to stay with a friend. Not sure whether DSD is pissed off with me but I am relieved.

There will be no problem if he wants to stay next weekend as long as they ask.

OP posts:

2rebecca · 18/01/2016 14:40

That sounds a good outcome. I think staying with a friend for a student is very different to staying with a friend's parents.

DinosaursRoar · 18/01/2016 14:52

sounds like the best all round. i would spell it out to her when she comes home from work that her boyfriend is welcome to stay for the weekend as long as a) he's only here when she is (and she's 'hosting' him, not leaving it to you to look after her 'guest') and b) she lets you know in advance. (possibly also tell her that same rules apply for other friends she wants to visit for the weekend).

The PJs thing, as you can see on this, for some families, it's not a big deal for family members to be still in PJs, but most would get changed if they were say, going to someone else's house for lunch, or having guests turn up for lunch (who you'd expect to be dressed). It was really a sign that he didn't see himself as an adult guest in your house.

Idontknowwheretogo · 18/01/2016 15:42

Doesn't the Dad have a say about his daughter and who stays in his house?

ProcrastinatorGeneral · 18/01/2016 15:49

If dad isn't at home all week, then no, I'd say he doesn't get a say.

MrsJayy · 18/01/2016 15:55

I agree dad isn't there all week I don't think he needs a say

Original poster

ImNotChangingMyUsernameAgain · 18/01/2016 19:54

I spoke with DH before speaking to DSD. As he was getting on a plane and she was at the cinema I had to raise it or it would have gone unresolved.

OP posts:

Haggisfish · 18/01/2016 23:01

And?!

Italiangreyhound · 19/01/2016 00:42

Good news, glad it is resolved.

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