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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not let DSD's boyfriend stay all week?

71 replies

ImNotChangingMyUsernameAgain · 17/01/2016 21:44

DSD has just got her first job close to where we live and as she has not yet sorted out somewhere to live she is staying with us. We are delighted to have her and she is welcome to stay as long as she likes.

Both last weekend and this weekend her boyfriend has stayed here. He is a perfectly nice chap although I did have to ask DH to ask him to get dressed when it appeared that he was planning to join us for lunch in pyjama bottoms and a t-shirt.

Anyway it turns out that the boyfriend is also flat hunting before starting a new job (separately from DSD) and it appears that he expects to stay here for the week in order to do so.

AIBU to say he can stay tonight but that I do not expect him to be here all week or hanging around my house when DSD is out at work all day.

They are both recent graduates (so early 20s) and I just don't see it as my responsibility to house an adult that I barely know and who hasn't even had the courtesy to ask either directly or through DSD.

OP posts:
Headofthehive55 · 17/01/2016 22:29

If you are not comfortable then it's ok to text you DSD and say so rather than let it simmer.

Original poster
ImNotChangingMyUsernameAgain · 17/01/2016 22:30

Italian I think it will be a combination of all three. I expect he won't surface before the DC leave for school, will spent most of the day lounging around and disappear when the DC get home from school.

OP posts:
janethegirl2 · 17/01/2016 22:30

My dd's boyfriend used to stay with us when she wasn't here, it was no big deal, just another person around.
But I'm fairly laid back about such things.

DinosaursRoar · 17/01/2016 22:35

I think YANBU, I do think though it's not him that's being rude, but your DSD for not talking to you about his plans. In his case, I'd expect to discuss staying while flat hunting with my DP and expect them to check with Dad and Step-mother if this was ok, not just an open ended thing. But I'd check she didn't say something to your DH before you speak to her about it.

It might be worth sitting down with DSD and explaining some basic house rules, her mum might have been happy for boyfriends to stay for any length of time, so it's not occurred to her to ask/discuss it with you. If you have young DCs and are at home with them in the day whereas her Mum wasn't in that situation, it again might not have occured to her that it's putting you out to have someone in the house with you all day.

Telling her you don't want her guests to be in the house when she is not is an OK rule. Telling her you expect to be at least told and for her to check there's no problem with it before arranging someone to stay is also an OK house rule.

DinosaursRoar · 17/01/2016 22:38

Janethegirl - from the OP's last post, it appears he won't be 'another person around' but the only other person in the house when her younger ones are at school and her DSD is at work and DH away. I'd be annoyed if I thought I was going to be by myself to just find out there's another adult going to be in my home and noone thought to even tell me (let alone ask if it was ok) about it before I asked their plans.

janethegirl2 · 17/01/2016 22:41

Dinosaurs it still wouldn't bother me at all. I might even give him a list of chores he could do if he had time.

Baressentials · 17/01/2016 22:41

I'd let him stay but would say to dsd that any time they wanted a friend or boyfriend to stay for a longer time (eg over 2 nights) it is just common courtesy to let me know/check it is ok.

janethegirl2 · 17/01/2016 22:41

I had this scenario a few years ago and it didn't bother me at all.

Original poster
ImNotChangingMyUsernameAgain · 17/01/2016 22:43

I'm actually out at work during the day so he will be alone or my cleaner will be here.

Urgh.....I need to ease into the teenage / young adult years rather than be thrown in overnight!

No need for financial contribution and I don't really cook except for the small DC.

OP posts:
MrsJayy · 17/01/2016 22:48

I wouldnt be very comfy with dds bf here for a week on his own it would feel awkward but if he was in need i would be let him but I would expect to be asked and given some notice yanbu in they didnt ask just expected.

2rebecca · 17/01/2016 22:51

I would tell him that I am disappointed that he didn't ask if it was OK to stay as a guest in our home and just assumed it was OK. It wasn't your stepdaughter's job to ask, he's the one wanting to stay with you he should have asked.
I wouldn't want extra people hanging around my house.
I am assertive enough to make it clear to people that just using my house as a free hotel without asking isn't on. I wouldn't want people hanging around my house when my husband or I aren't in either.
Finding a job can take months. Why aren't his parents sorting his accommodation out?

myusernamewastaken · 17/01/2016 22:53

I would hate it but i know that others are more laid back than me x

DinosaursRoar · 17/01/2016 22:54

Jane - I think you might be a little different then if you don't mind having someone else in your space you didn't invite/didn't know would be there, but if the DSD's Mum is more like you, anyone in the house is fine whenever it suits, then it could be that she's no idea that it's not really on to invite your boyfriend to stay in your parents' house and not discuss it with your parents first (particularly if you won't be there).

As PP said, just for catering, you kind of need to know how many people you are going to be feeding.

The fact he thought it would be ok to join a family with younger DCs for lunch in his PJs suggests he's not quite got the concept that he's a guest in the OP's home, not staying at his girlfriend's place, and that he's from a more relaxed family background so asking to stay might not have occurred to him either. Many young 20 somethings do make quite a few social mistakes while they learn the difference between expected behaviour as a older child and a young adult.

SuperCee7 · 17/01/2016 23:01

I'd expect to be asked by the DD

nooka · 17/01/2016 23:12

I'd be pretty pissed off too. The daughter and her boyfriend should have asked before effectively moving him in. Ground rules established etc.

It's pretty rude to assume that your parents will be OK with someone they hardly know suddenly living with them. We are very laid back and happy to have our children's friends staying in our home, but they know they need to ask first. That's with them living here full time too (younger teens). Once they leave home then they will be very welcome guests, and guests don't generally move in their +1s without asking their hosts do they?

Crazypetlady · 17/01/2016 23:35

Why did he have to get changed out of pjamas for lunch? Hmm
Unless you were out for lunch?

Original poster
ImNotChangingMyUsernameAgain · 17/01/2016 23:40

Seriously?? I can't imagine any circumstances in which it is ok to wear PJs to lunch when you are a guest in someone's house. That is on a par with wearing PJs to Tesco which is also unacceptable IMO. This isn't a student halls of residence. It is our family home and we consider it appropriate to be clothed by lunchtime.

If I was a guest in someone's home I'd probably get dressed for breakfast too.

OP posts:
Haggisfish · 17/01/2016 23:42

You see, pj trousers and t shirt to lunch just wouldn't bother me, either. We often eat brunch in pjs at weekends. And if it was my ds, he might not realise other people get het up about these things. I would just lay some ground rules for then both.

PaulAnkaTheDog · 17/01/2016 23:47

He wasn't exactly wandering about in his pants...

Lightbulbon · 17/01/2016 23:49

Weekend lunches/brunches in pj bottoms and a t shirt is appropriate in every house I've ever stayed in. Confused

I think yabu with this.

But I think yanbu with the 'stranger in your house' aspect. Is say he could be here when dsd is in but not in my house all day. I'd be worried about the potential for invasion of privacy.

Crazypetlady · 18/01/2016 00:29

Oh come on don't be so uptight.

nooka · 18/01/2016 00:47

We often wear pjs all day at the weekend (slovenly here!) but not with a guest around, and I certainly not be wearing my pjs all day if I was the guest. Fair enough if this was a bf that has been around for a long time and that the OP's family know well, but the OP says she barely knows him. He obviously doesn't know them well enough to know that they don't do lunch in their pjs, and wouldn't like him not to be dressed.

Plus surely it's always rude not to at least let your parents know that you'd like your bf to stay for lunch (let alone for the following week).

Hotpatootietimewarp · 18/01/2016 07:03

I wouldn't like this and would have had words with the DSD about it. Also are you sure it will only be a week? Depending on how long it takes for him to find somewhere he can afford, deposit together etc I'd be worried one week turns into two and so on. Once they've seen you haven't pulled them up about it they will just carry on assuming it's fine. I really wouldn't like a strange young adult staying any longer than a few days tbh

Woodenmouse · 18/01/2016 07:10

I wouldn't mind him staying, I would mind not being asked first. I would bring it up when they are both there and set some ground rules.

2rebecca · 18/01/2016 08:07

I'd expect dressed for lunch and usually breakfast, bed clothes are for bed. OK for cups of tea and coffee but you don't get crumbs and food stains and smells on them. If you're getting up you're getting up. If your clothes are comfortable why would you want to spend all day in night clothes?

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