DP decides to join army without discussing with me 1st

[Mybugslife]

I don't often post on here but I'm just so upset and don't know where to turn.
Bit if background...when I met my DP I had a daughter from a previous relationship, she was 2 when we met. My DP said he was thinking of joking the army right from the beginning and I was fine with it. He tried once but they said he wasn't ready and he should re-apply when he was.
Since that we have been through so much. We had an ectopic pregnancy which resulted in internal bleeding and me nearly loosing my life (because no one believed me for ages). And I lost my right tube. We then got pregnant again and we lost our son at 21 weeks, the whole time I was back and forth to London hospitals for tests and it was just horrendous. And again we lost a baby at 12 weeks a few months after that. We've left it a while and we were just starting to try again, I could potentially be pregnant now and DP just comes out with ''I'm going to re-join the army''.
He'd already decided it while talking to his mum and brother!!! Not to me, not that it's going to change my life or anything. Anyway, we had a huge row about it and other things were bought up, he said loosing our son isn't as hard for me because I already have a child and I just couldn't even look at him!
We calmed down and talked about it all and I said I'd have to re-think trying again if he was joking the army as I don't want to go through everything by myself.
It was left at that and he said he'd think about it but I found out today he sent off the application form and didn't tell me.
AIBU in being really hurt and upset about all this.

I don't see why he'd be so desperate to have a child if he wanted to leave.

He might not want a child. He might be counting on you having another MC or difficulty conceiving since you have only one tube.

I think Specialsubject is right here. He is finished with the relationship, doesn't have the guts to tell you and look heartless after everything you have gone through and since he is fond of your child, and he wants you to be the one who officially ends it by dumping him.

he said loosing our son isn't as hard for me because I already have a child

^^ he sounds emotionally stunted

So he gets the job he has always wanted and you get to do the grunt work of effectively being a single parent of two children. YANBU.

Where do you benefit in all of this? My DH was in the forces when we met but he was already serving his notice. If he was still in, I wouldn't have persude a relationship with him as forces life is not for me.

Please slow down OP ! What is the hurry to have a baby ? You do realise that once you have had a baby, most partners 'go off' the marriage idea. Without marriage you are in a very vulnerable position. Why not just go the traditional route and see if he is really willing to commit to you and give you time to decide if you want to be an army wife with all that has to offer both positively and negatively. Then think about a baby.

He's an unmarried, childless (at the moment) man of 26. I don't see why he should have to ask permission to change career to do something he has always wanted to do. Likewise, if you decided to change your career path, I don't think you should have to discuss this with him either. If I was changing career, I would let my boyfriend know, as opposed to "discussing" it. People have the right to autonomy in their lives.

Of course, you also have the right to decide, and if you don't want to be with someone in the army, then leave him and that's your choice.

Have you considered the benefits of being with someone in the army though? It is a secure job, reasonably well paid (and they manage to save up a lot when they're away), with good promotion prospects.

People have the right to autonomy. But people who are attempting to embark on a career that will involve as big a life change as the army shouldn't be barebacking with ovulating fiancees without bothering to mention it.

I can see why you are very hurt. He should have talked it through with you.

It sounds like the relationship has peaked and, very sadly, your DP is moving on with his life, perhaps in reaction to his own grief.

I personally would call it a day at this point, I think. You deserve better than being treated like this. Whether or not it was fine for him to join the army is irrelevant; he doesn't include you in the direction of his life and has made a decision without talking it through that has huge implications for you. That's disrespectful.

You went into the relationship knowing that he wanted to join the army. Has he ever indicated to you that he had changed his mind?

It seems that you assumed that with talk of children that had changed. It hadn't.

The comment about losing the son is ill-judged, but thats probably how it felt to him. He was hurting, and it maybe didn't seem to him that you were hurting as much. Have you told him how it affected you?

I think the biggest issue here is communication. You aren't talking about the future past having a baby, and assuming that his future path would have changed as a result.

I don't think the fact that he still is looking to follow his dream means that he wants the relationship to be over, that's a big leap to make imo. It's that sadly not untypical thing where women's lives are fundamentally changed when a baby comes into the world, and the man thinks they can carry on as they were.

Get talking. Not shouting or blaming or having a go. Just start speaking about where you both see yourselves in five, ten years, how that will affect the relationship and family. You can't assume he wants the same things that you do, and it's unfair to expect that. And you need to know this stuff before you try for a baby.

It seems that you assumed that with talk of children that had changed. It hadn't.

This ^^

And he assumed that as you know he wanted to join she was ok with having a baby and him joining

We had couple counselling after the loss of our son and he said outright in counselling that he didn't feel he wanted to join the army anymore and he has since been on courses and taken exams to further his career in motor care.
However this makes no difference I don't have a problem with him joining the army. I'm not saying I don't want him to have this career as I've said in many previous posts it's the fact that this will ultimately affect my life as a parent and I want to make sure we are making the right decision in having a baby before we actually ttc, which is why he should have told me.

With regards to an earlier post about him feeling like I don't care. I'm always the one that talks about our son. I'm always the one that doesn't hide my feelings when I'm down about the whole thing And I tend to his grave alone most weeks as DP doesn't want to go down there very often.
I have taken on board some replies but I feel some people have been very mean

I want to make sure we are making the right decision in having a baby before we actually ttc, which is why he should have told me.

I agree with this 1000%. But now that you know, are you able to fully support his choice to enter the forces? Is he able to understand that it is your choice not to ttc until he is 'settled' in his new career and you have had time to decide if life as a 'forces wife' is right for you?

BTW, my boyfriend (at the time, now my ex-husband) also enlisted without telling me. It was quite a shock! Basically he told me he loved me for the first time and in the next breath said "I've enlisted". We married 6 months after he reported. The divorce didn't have anything to do with 'army life', he just turned out to be a prick.

Is he hoping to join the REME?

People grieve differently. Some do it internally and occasionally blurt out, some do it externally, visit and tend graves, talk about their lost loved one etc. there is no right and no wrong way to grieve, and it is important to realise that someone who is grieving internally can be just as distressed and lost and hurt as the one is visibly grieving. It isn't a competition.

So, really, then, all you need to do is say 'I'm sorry, you just caught me by surprise as I thought the army was still on the backburner' and talk to him about it. It sounds as though you reacted in shock and went straight to 'no', which wasn't your intention - you say you are supportive of his decision and always have been, so you need to let him know that. And then discuss how this is going to work.

Military families are well versed in pregnancy, childbirth, miscarriage and bringing up children. I'm still slightly baffled with the fact that you were happy to do so when you got together, but are now rethinking your feelings, but you are of course entitled to change your mind. Sadly, it doesn't mean that he has to, which may mean that you both now want different things that are incompatible with each other. It's sad if that means you choose to leave him, but is absolutely your prerogative if you feel you can no longer be an army spouse.

Im another one saying that he wants to follow "his" dream and you're best off waving goodbye to him.