DP decides to join army without discussing with me 1st

[Mybugslife]

I don't often post on here but I'm just so upset and don't know where to turn.
Bit if background...when I met my DP I had a daughter from a previous relationship, she was 2 when we met. My DP said he was thinking of joking the army right from the beginning and I was fine with it. He tried once but they said he wasn't ready and he should re-apply when he was.
Since that we have been through so much. We had an ectopic pregnancy which resulted in internal bleeding and me nearly loosing my life (because no one believed me for ages). And I lost my right tube. We then got pregnant again and we lost our son at 21 weeks, the whole time I was back and forth to London hospitals for tests and it was just horrendous. And again we lost a baby at 12 weeks a few months after that. We've left it a while and we were just starting to try again, I could potentially be pregnant now and DP just comes out with ''I'm going to re-join the army''.
He'd already decided it while talking to his mum and brother!!! Not to me, not that it's going to change my life or anything. Anyway, we had a huge row about it and other things were bought up, he said loosing our son isn't as hard for me because I already have a child and I just couldn't even look at him!
We calmed down and talked about it all and I said I'd have to re-think trying again if he was joking the army as I don't want to go through everything by myself.
It was left at that and he said he'd think about it but I found out today he sent off the application form and didn't tell me.
AIBU in being really hurt and upset about all this.

This is terrible. You have been through a horrendous time. I agree that he is insensitive to beyond being off the scale. If joining the army is something he has always wanted to do I can see why he still wants to if he thinks he has a chance of getting in. Perhaps he thought you'd say no so that's why he did it the way he did. Only time will tell if you have a future together. And I agree perhaps he feels he needs a break away from all the miscarriages and difficulties. I have heard a woman say the same. Not prepared to try again after heartbreak of losing child. So it's not unknown.

Sorry for your losses, you've been through a lot.

You are not married so unless you're the higher earner or have independent means would be financially vulnerable if you had a child together. He intends to join the army regardless of your feelings. Suggest stopping ttc.

I have never and will never ever stop him from Pursuing the army. It's the fact he didn't even bother talking to me about it but will happily talk to everyone else.
We are 25 and 26 and he is the one who initiates trying again. He would have tried right away but I wanted to wait.

I have stopped ttc and I do earn enough to support two children on my own but I don't want to be on my own bringing up 2 kids

Do you live together?

Yes we live together and have done a few years and we are engaged

How long have you been together?

Poor you Op, I would definitely hold off trying to conceive (as you've said). It would be much easier on your own (if you decide this) with a school age child as your dd must be now rather than a baby and a child. Plus no mix of hormones etc.
Do you think he might be worried you'd try and stop him? And that's why he spent to his mum etc not you? Do you make career choices without telling him? I'm just wondering if he felt that this was always the plan and you'd rubber stamped it?

He knows if never stop him doing anything I'm really not that kind of person. He even said he knew I wouldn't stop him but he knew if we were going to have a baby I would rather not do it in my own, which I wouldn't. He didn't want to tell me because he wants the career and a baby but I'm not comfortable with varying on ttc when I don't know what it will be like if he's not around.
We've been together about 4 years and he's been a massive father figure to my daughter. I make an effort with her dad as I want us all to have a good relationship but my DP would rather it was just us without her dad involved.

Im so sorry you have been through all this. It does sound like an excuse and a way of leaving. Sorry to be blunt

Your last post is illuminating. He wants his dream career and a baby. Unfortunately, the two are only compatible if you are willing to cope with the children on your own while your partner is absent for long periods while pursuing his dream career. He knows that you aren't willing.

The comment about losing your child makes more sense in this context. He thinks he wants a baby more than you do because you already have a child but he doesn't. That is ignorant and insensitive of him but he sounds like he really really wants a child.

Lots of people have to make compromises, choosing whether to put their career dreams on hold in order to have children. Or putting their desire for children on hold in order to pursue their career. Unless you are willing to make sacrifices to facilitate both his desires, he will have to do the same.

I just want to add that you need to be careful of your financial position as you are not married. If you have a baby and give up work and then you split up, you will not be entitled to a share of any of his assets including property nor any financial support from him except statutory maintenance which is not over generous.

It's not that I don't want to have a baby with him I just want to put off ttc until I know what's it like to be spending long periods on my own. Is that unreasonable?
I'm upset that he didn't consult me with his decision and we carried on ttc. I had just finished ovulating when he told me so potentially I could be pg and I don't think that was fair of him.
Plus I won't be giving up work either. And we are engaged so if we can work this out then the future suggests we will marry

I've taken on board people's thoughts on he wants a way out but I don't see why he'd be so desperate to have a child if he wanted to leave.

I don't think it sounds like he wants to get away from you I do think he is (and you) grieving over the loss of your babies and has expressed that badly to you.

There will definitely be a period apart whilst your dp does basic training, if he is successful with his application. After that you don't necessarily have to be apart, if you marry the army will house you and your family.

Being married to someone in the army can be challenging but the same can also be said about civvie street.

I think you both need to set time to speak with each other and identify what it is you both want. I think he didn't tell you about the application because he was afraid of your reaction. Not necessarily a good thing to do but I can understand sort why he might have done that.

Maybe it's not so much that he wants to leave but that he wants it all. Army, baby, a family (and no ex from your side!).
He knows that you are more 'careful' than him, wants to check first how it works out and he doesn't want you to do it because he knows there is a real risk he can't have it all. That being on your own for long period will be hard. that you might not want a baby in these circumstances.

I think you really need a discussion together on what you want to acheive in life. Talk about all the risks and the possibilities and the chances.
I agree that seeing or at least talking about what life will be like is indispensable. He can't be deciding what your life as a family will be like wo talking with you first! Even if it means having this very unconfortable discussion that actually you don't want a baby in these circumstances.

One thing I would say, please carry on ensuring that your dd will have her dad in her life. She needs him too (even yoour DP is her father figure iyswim)

The aRmy turned him down previously, they may again. 'Wasn't ready' aka immature. Doesn't sound like he has changed.

Very sorry for your losses you have been through a horrendous time.

Woodheaven I'd never stop my dd seeing her dad, he can be a complete pain at times but everything I do I do for her that will never be an option.
Thankyou for you're replies. You're right I am more careful and I want to make sure that we don't bring a baby into the world if we are going to struggle. Reading what you put has made me realise I'm upset because it feels like he's making a decision about my life that I don't get a day in. We do need to talk calmly without arguing, I've spent the afternoon with dd and the dog and he went to ''calm down'' so maybe we can have a chat later/tomorrow. Thankyou

Your DP wants to have his cake and eat it. He wants his dream career and he wants a baby. You, understandably, are not sure about having to raise two children while he's away for long periods. I wouldn't be either and I'd be angry at the deceitful way he's gone about trying to ensure that he gets both. There's nothing wrong with him wanting a career and a family but he is in the wrong by applying for the army behind your back, while ttcing, when he knows that you're not sure about having a baby with him if it means you raising two children alone for long periods.

You do need to have a calm talk with him about all this. For now though I'd stop tccing.

OP, I think you've been given a hard time groundlessly by many posters. It's clear you in no sense object to him joining the army, but you feel (rightly, imo) that sending off the form without discussing it with you is outrageous, especially as, innocently, you kept on ttc, meaning you could have been in a position of facing a difficult pregnancy alone, after your appalling past losses. I think this was an unforgiveably irresponsible thing for him to do, and I would not being ttc with someone so uncommunicative and juvenile. In fact, I would be rethinking my future with him. Army careers can stress test the strongest marriages. Do you want to spend long periods without him? Best wishes.

Yanbu. You knew he wanted to join, but it should have been revisited before he sent off the application.

Assuming he is in all other ways a decent bloke. I would say he has chose to go now because it's really now or never and/or he is running away from situation.

Grief can make people do and say stupid things. It can also make them think stupid things. It's not ok, but he isn't the first or last person to think a loss affects them more.

He can't have a career and a baby with you. As you, understandably, do not want to be left holding the baby.

It seems that for whatever reason (and there could be many) he has decided it's his career.

If you live together, are engaged and are having unprotected sex when you're ovulating, yes of course he should have mentioned it to you.

Have you asked him what he expects you to do whilst he's swanning off pursuing his dream career?

He sounds very all about him imo. His dream career, his pain is worse than yours and he'd rather your DD's father wasn't part of her life. What about what you want and what about what is best for your DD?

Being a military wife/girlfriend takes a very special kind of person imo. I've never truly forgiven my ex for joining the army when our twins were due. It's great for him - he gets the career he always wanted (but had said he wouldn't do with children) and he got the twins he was desperate for us to keep (unplanned pregnancy when I was at uni). In his mind it was none of my business as we'd split up when I was 5 months gone, but it has impacted my life massively. I was on my own 24/7 when he was sent off on exercise.

Even practicalities should have been discussed. Will your DD's father object to you moving away with her if he is posted somewhere at the other end of the country or will he serve unaccompanied? Although if he's your DP rather than DH he'll have to go unaccompanied as you can't live in married quarters so will he expect you to move to the nearest town or stay where you are?

I was a military wife for about 4 years and it wasn't easy (and we didn't have children). But I got to see the world and meet people I never would have otherwise.

You and DP are young. You have plenty of time to have another child. If I were you I NOT get pregnant (if you aren't already, that is) and let him pursue his dream. Let him have his 'Army life' a year or so, but don't give up your own life to follow him.

I don't really understand - you knew right from the start that he wanted to join the army and it didn't stop you ttc? Why was it different at that point? He would still have been joining the army? They told him to wait a year and reapply and you went ahead and ttc, presumably knowing he would try again in a year?
I don't understand why you have changed your mind about being a young family with him the army - you have always known that this is what he intended to do?
Or did you have a romantic vision of army life and have just realised the difficulties involved because of your losses?
So it is you have changed your mind about him joining the army, not him? (I'm not saying you are wrong to do so - just that I don't know why you are cross when it is you who have changed your mind, and not him?)

It does smack a little bit of 'I changed my mind but he didn't ask me' which is a bit senseless.

His comment was crass of course, but he is grieving as well as you, and sometimes men do get a whole lot less understanding wrt miscarriage and loss.
I don't think he's desperate to leave at all. As far as he's concerned he is just getting on with his life plan, which he thought you were totally on board with, having known all along that was what he intended to do, and agreed to marry him and all. I think he's probably utterly boggled and has no idea why you have thrown a track...

It sounds like in your head you had assumed he had changed his mind. And in his head he was just doing what the dude said and taking a break before reapplying. Bog standard communication fuck up from both of you, although technically you are the one who has changed the plan, not him.

First of all, OP, sorry for your losses. It sounds like you've had a couple of really tough years.

This reminds me a bit of that convo from Private Benjamin

Judy Benjamin: My husband had a heart attack and died on our wedding night, while we were making love.
Pvt. Mary Lou Glass: Jesus! Benjamin! I don't get it, what do you do after a thing like that?
Judy Benjamin: Join the Army!

I think some people do think that radical life style changes, like joining the forces, are a way of dealing with/ escaping from grief or a shit situation. Maybe they think that they won't have time to feel sad anymore. Maybe he is worried that the baby will never happen and therefore that he may at least achieve his career plans. Without knowing him, it's hard to say, but its possible this isn't him trying to get away from you, but away from his feelings of sadness and disappointment about your losses.

In any event, yes he should have discussed it with you because it will obviously impact you as well. Hope you work it out.