to feel weird about giving my friend money?

[Lemond1fficult]

A friend has recently sent out a crowdfunding request for her professional qualification, and I'm struggling with whether I should contribute (and how much, if so).

On one hand, i've always believed in helping people out where you can. She's done really well in her first degree, but has a lot of bad debt from her youth, so can't get credit. I have every reason to trust that she'll use the money wisely. We're good friends, though I don't see her more than a few times a year.

On the other hand, I've always been raised to think money is poisonous to a friendship, whether that's giving, lending or borrowing. I also feel as if I'm being asked to put a price on our friendship (hence question about how much to give). And I know from experience, financial favours often don't endear you to the recipient.

We both come from similarly poor backgrounds, and put ourselves through uni as mature students. I've just started being well-paid for what I do (think lower income bracket, but healthy), and have some savings so in theory I can afford it. But I do have student debt and elderly parents with no pension, so that's always at the back of my mind.

AIBU?

I gave some money to a friend in trouble once (to get a flight to a funeral) as it seemed like a reasonable request. She was very grateful etc but it has soured things a little.

I know you that in theory you should give without expecting anything back and it was my fault for giving her money if I was going to feel this way, but ever since I've felt a jab of whenever she's made a massive purchase or gone on an expensive holiday abroad when she hasn't given me anything back. She's in a much better financial situation now, but still ...

It is so much harder for people without money behind them to get qualifications these days (and did you know that a group of MPs have just voted to stop the maintenance grants to students from poor backgrounds?)

Idon't blame your friend for asking, at all. Academic funding is almost non-existent now. However, if you haven't any money to spare then you haven't any money to spare - it's up to you. I'm just very tired of smug fuckwits insisting that 'hard work' is all it takes to get anywhere when that simply isn't true any more. The sort of jobs students used to take to top up their grants/loans are either all being taken up by non-students to feed themselves and their families, or demand so much 'flexibility' (ie unpaid overtime and no guarantee of hours or pay any given week) that they are unsustainable for anyone with any kind of other demand on their time.

I think fair fucks to her, why not? There are far worse things that people ask for money for.
Give it, or don't give it, it really doesn't matter. Other people are happy to give. Why make such a fuss about it?

How does she come to have so much bad debt? Is it just things like student loans, or something else?

I know someone who is embarking on a second degree and has used crowdfunding for it. She has raised £5k so far for "living expenses" despite living at home

What does she need the money for exactly? I assume she is wanting to do her Part 2, and afaik you get student loan for that. (Obviously she'll have her expenses, but she should have been saving when doing her year in practice.

SOLIDGOLD Excellent point. My thoughts exactly.

Could she not get a part time job? When I got my masters I did 37hrs a week on placements but had a job in the evenings and on weekends to fund myself.

Just donate £20 and stop overthinking it.

Who cares? She can ask. If you don't want to or cannot, you don't have to give. I don't blame her.

'Thanks ladies. My main worry is that it would affect our friendship - I don't want to get all Daily Mail on her if she ever decided to treat herself. Her finances shouldn't be any of my business.'

Why would it? Has she been pressuring you to donate?

You can set up gofundme or crowdfunding for anything that's legal. People don't have to donate.

I don't get all the judgey bollocks. It's a request.

Has she said anything to you about this Crowdfunding page? Has she been bombarding you with emails/ txts etc about it? If so I think you need to tell her you're not really in a position to donate right now, if not who cares? She can do all the crowdfunding/ begging she likes if she's not pressuring people to pay up, surely?

I hate people crowdfunding for personal gain, and I would ignore requests.

Expat - i read that as the OP meant if she pays anything in, then the OP would feel it hard to not see it as 'her money' being spent if the friend has a night out or treats herself. Which is fair enough actually, if you expect other people to fund you, then you do make your spending and finances their business and no longer private.

OP - stay out of it. "hope it goes well, I've not got any spare money as I'm paying back my own student debts."

Then don't give anything, Dino, but I don't think she's to be slated for asking. Don't ask, don't get.

"When I got my masters I did 37hrs a week on placements but had a job in the evenings and on weekends to fund myself."

How old were you at the time? Having a full time placement plus another job would kill me.

I wouldn't give her anything. If she wants to do it she can get a job and pay for herself.

Gwenhwyfar - I was 23. I'm 25 now. I also have an autoimmune disease which is very tiring. I did get very run down and poorly but unfortunately there was no other way. A year or so of sacrifices was worth the qualification I now have for life imo. The uni put up fees just before we started so I just had to do it.

Not only would I not give a penny I would be re evaluating my friendship and I'm someone that has given money to help people out.

I'm just very tired of smug fuckwits insisting that 'hard work' is all it takes to get anywhere when that simply isn't true any more. The sort of jobs students used to take to top up their grants/loans are either all being taken up by non-students to feed themselves and their families, or demand so much 'flexibility' (ie unpaid overtime and no guarantee of hours or pay any given week) that they are unsustainable for anyone with any kind of other demand on their time.

SGB is right. Yes, in my day it would have been very cheeky. But now? It is just a symptom of how very few options there are for many. Genuinely, the kind of jobs I used to subsidise my professional education are just not available anymore. Conditions of work and wages in real terms have plummeted.

I have no view on whether you should donate or not, OP, but I understand why your friend has ended up asking.

No. Because you are in debt and paying off your debt should be your priority over giving other people money so they don't have to take out more debt.

You friend can get a career development loan or similar.

If you were well off with no debts then consider it but that is not the situation. Why can't your friend work part time?

I have no problem with people trying to crowdfund. If you don't ask, you don't get. You're under no obligation to donate though.

Lending money to friends is a totally different kettle of fish. A couple of years ago I lent a substantial amount to a friend who was in a mess through no fault of her own. She promised to repay me and I honestly believed her. Not too long afterwards she inherited a massive amount of cash and started splashing it about. I didn't get a penny back.

I wish I'd have thought of this instead of taking 5 years between finishing my degree and starting my professional qualification.

Instead of working in a different but slightly related field to get experience and earn enough money to fund my course (as well as working full-time whilst studying), I could have moved into the field I want to much earlier.

Missed a trick there.

I wouldn't think very much of anyone putting their friends on the spot, asking them to fund their life!

Surely, if she's now an architect, then her employers will either pay for her 'qualification' training, or at the very least, offer her a loan. I can't believe that anyone would seriously consider contributing to this.

Is this actually a thing?

I'd do this to feed my children if necessary, and that's about it.

What does her message asking for
money say?