Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to feel weird about giving my friend money?

77 replies

Lemond1fficult · 15/01/2016 18:12

A friend has recently sent out a crowdfunding request for her professional qualification, and I'm struggling with whether I should contribute (and how much, if so).

On one hand, i've always believed in helping people out where you can. She's done really well in her first degree, but has a lot of bad debt from her youth, so can't get credit. I have every reason to trust that she'll use the money wisely. We're good friends, though I don't see her more than a few times a year.

On the other hand, I've always been raised to think money is poisonous to a friendship, whether that's giving, lending or borrowing. I also feel as if I'm being asked to put a price on our friendship (hence question about how much to give). And I know from experience, financial favours often don't endear you to the recipient.

We both come from similarly poor backgrounds, and put ourselves through uni as mature students. I've just started being well-paid for what I do (think lower income bracket, but healthy), and have some savings so in theory I can afford it. But I do have student debt and elderly parents with no pension, so that's always at the back of my mind.

AIBU?

OP posts:
DinosaursRoar · 15/01/2016 18:42

I would give nothing - if she's ever so cheap to bring it up, just say you don't have anything to spare as you're still paying off your own student debts. You don't have enough spare cash to make a significant dent in her costs.

If she has a lot of bad credit from the past, she's got history sadly of not seeing other people's money as not hers, so best to not even start down that road.

Lemond1fficult · 15/01/2016 18:43

I would guess not, Zen - there's probably all sorts of legal bumf if it were a mass loan. And her credit wouldn't let her get it.

Which is why I'm so conflicted - I'm v proud of her for doing so well, and I want to help her get properly qualified. But I just can't get past my reservations.

OP posts:
pudcat · 15/01/2016 18:43

This is no different to begging. Let her get a part time job to fund herself. There seem to be too many people these days wanting others to fund them.

mumblechum1 · 15/01/2016 18:43

That's blatent begging!!

mumblechum1 · 15/01/2016 18:44

*blatant

juneau · 15/01/2016 18:45

I don't mix friendship and large amounts of money - £20 for someone running a marathon, fine - but anything more than that - nope. Take care of yourself and your family - you sound like you've had a tough road to your own financial security and have earned your peace of mind. She's free to ask and you're free to say no.

gobbin · 15/01/2016 18:46

but has a lot of bad debt from her youth

..and so now the reality of action = consequence is biting.

Sorry, I wouldn't touch this with the shittiest of sticks. Keep business and pleasure separate.

DinosaursRoar · 15/01/2016 18:49

oh and I do think there's an interesting choise been made here - being a mature student, who's chosen to do a degree like architecture that really is a vocational degree for a job you can't do without doing the next long and expensive professional qualification, knowing your history means you can't borrow to fund it, don't have parents who will be willing to fund it and you don't have several years to 'waste' doing graduate entry level jobs to save up the money to pay for it.

I would be wary about volunteering to be one of the people funding her, people like this do tend to see anyone who's been roped into their problem become jointly responsible for solving it.

nextusername · 15/01/2016 18:50

It's normal these days for people to take out a loan to be able to study. That's what everyone else has to do, so no I wouldn't donate to this.

Bailey101 · 15/01/2016 18:50

Gwenhwyfar You're absolutely right, I have both the money to pay upfront and the good credit should I have chosen to get a loan. Nobody handed me the cash though, nor did they give me a great credit rating - I saved and went without certain luxuries to get the cash together and I always make sure my bills are paid on time so as to maintain a good credit rating.

Did you have a point to make?

MyCatIsTryingToKillMe · 15/01/2016 18:51

Actually that's going to fund her post grad diploma (if she's only done the degree) she won't be qualified after that, she have her professional exams to sit after that which she won't be able to take for at least a year after. And they cost money too. Just warning you...

Personally I think it's really cheeky and would never have dreamt of asking anyone to fund it, I didn't even get more than a very basic minimum from my parents.

MyCatIsTryingToKillMe · 15/01/2016 18:52

She might be able to take out a professional studies loan, I did that on top of working.

pudcat · 15/01/2016 18:52

I have just looked on the crowdfunding site. Unbelievable what some are asking for, funds : to buy a fridge for their cafe; to start up a mobile pub; someone wants new printer. Unbelievable

Mybugslife · 15/01/2016 18:55

No way!!
But I'm the type of person who practically hyperventilates if anyone tries to give me money. My friend once tried to set up a just giving page to help me pay for my sons headstone and I made her take it down, makes me feel sick asking other people for money.
You don't want to ruin your friendship by thinking she spending the money in other things every time she buys herself a new outfit or goes on a night out etc. Plus it is actually begging! Plenty of people save up.

Branleuse · 15/01/2016 18:55

i dont see the big deal. Give it or dont give it.

A friend of mine did something similar and I bunged in £20

MyCatIsTryingToKillMe · 15/01/2016 18:55

Greyponcho, I doubt her employer would pay for it, most architecture firms wouldn't. They do tend to pay your registration fees once you are qualified though as its in their interest for you to maintain that. It's only £100 odd a year though.

DinosaursRoar · 15/01/2016 18:55

There's a good point about this not being the end before she's fully qualified - and will those who pay in feel they should get value for money from her, as in, if she doesn't pass, will it spoil friendships if they feel like she wasted their money? If she's out on a night out near exam times, will you feel like she should be studying, as well as judging how much she's spending?

Walkingintheraindrops · 15/01/2016 18:57

Hmm. I'm not sure about other professions but in mine, if you were funding your own qualification it would because you weren't good enough to be sponsored and that's not very well thought of

MazzleDazzle · 15/01/2016 18:57

Brass neck!

MyCatIsTryingToKillMe · 15/01/2016 18:58

Doesn't work like that in architecture walking.

AutumnLeavesArePretty · 15/01/2016 18:59

I wouldn't and would feel a little Hmm if a friend did this and would question their morals.

She won't learn anything from the debt if others pay for her. She should have considered the cost before starting this career route.

Walkingintheraindrops · 15/01/2016 18:59

Sorry I completely missed the OPs post about architecture

MyCatIsTryingToKillMe · 15/01/2016 19:01

Sorry that sounded a bit short, I'm probably bitter about all the debt I had! Grin

Cococo1 · 15/01/2016 19:02

I have a couple of friends who crowdfund to put on workshops for people who are too poor to pay. The workshops have minimal cost so what they are asking for is their own fee.

MotherKat · 15/01/2016 19:10

Lots of people crowdfund, I've supported a new fence after a storm, tester pots for a new business, a sewing machine upgrade and a top up after funding was pulled for a friend's study abroad.
It feels awesome to help people, even for tge couple of quid a time I could spare.
If it makes you feel weird definatly don't, it'll bug you and spoil your friendship, but maybe you could buy them dinner whilst they're skrimping?