To disagree with friends over school choice

[Jennifer1234]

My eldest child is 10 almost 11 and will go to secondary school this September. She goes to a faith school that is around two and a half miles from our home due to the fact all of the closer schools were dire at the time. The feeder secondary school I want dd to go to is the only outstanding secondary school in the borough and in my opinion is a fantastic school. It's also around the same distance from our house as her primary just in a slightly different direction.

So, I have two friends/neighbours in my street who I've known since we moved her (4 years ago). They both have daughters who are in year six like my dd so will start secondary school at the same time. Well today whilst having coffee at one of their houses I was barraged with a ton of questions as to why I'm choosing to send my dd to a secondary school so far away. I explained that i chose that school because it is a great school and my dd will almost certainly move up with 90% of her class which surely can only be a positive thing.

They then went on to tell me that I must be mad choosing a school so far away when there is a perfectly reasonable secondary school on our doorstep, oh and that it's not fair that my dd has a higher chance of getting into a better school just because she is baptised. So I reminded them that their own children are baptised so they too could opt for this particular school if they really wanted to and that i didn't think the local secondary school was suitable for my dd, to which I'm treated with looks of astonishment.

They just didn't let up and continued to ask me why did I feel the school was crappy and not good enough for my dd (I did not use those particular words) and that maybe I was getting above my station, by which time I made my excuses and left as I was enraged. I know in the grand scheme of things it's not exactly important but how dare they speak to me like this and grill me for making choices that best fit my dd and my family, then it dawned on me. They both chose the local primary (that is just as bad, if not worse than the local secondary) because it was besting easier for them not neccesarily their child. The primary and secondary are both less than five minutes walking distance, and whilst I can understand the benefits of choosing a local school, I would rather send my children a little bit further away if it ensured that they would get a better education. I really don't get what their problem is, all I do know is that they've severely ticked me off, so tell me Aibu here?

This is the one thing I miss a bout Scotland. The schools system was so much easier and stress free compared to here. When I moved back down three years ago I had no clue about the schools or where to send my kids so opted for the nearest. How daft was I. Dd in year 2 couldn't get into any of the three primaries in the area and was offered a place 3.5 miles away. Teen was 13 and also couldn't get into any schools and ended up going to a school in a different local authority 5 miles in the other direction. It cost me a fortune paying for her bus and petrol running the 6 year old there and back.

Thankfully teens school turned out to be an outstanding school and she's done well. Youngest was moved in year 5 to the local middle school which had been failing for two years but it has been a good move for her and she's really happy. The school has a new ht who has shaken things up and there have been no issues at all.

Yanbu to choose the right school for your child. Yabu to write off the local school. It only takes a few things to change the schools outcomes one way or another.

I know that nothing is for certain but in our area, my dd will be top of the list along with the other 29 children in her year. The secondary school criteria is baptised Catholics living within the parish first then siblings, then other catholic children and so on. The secondary school take 180 pupils and every year they have accommodated every child in criteria one, which my dd will be in and around 30 in criteria two, so unless something drastic and unexpected occurs my dd should get a place.

You obviously think the school is dire. I think you not choosing the school automatically mean your opinion is the other options less good. Maybe they feel a bit defensive.

I think you have to just use one reason in these circumstances and keep repeating it. Eg her group of friends is going to x school. Or x school seemed really friendly, it's just the impression we got on open day.

If you say the school they have picked isn't good for your daughter, or that they can change their mind and change to x school then you are bound to offend.

Yes, it was wrong of them to go on about it.

I know that she could, quite easily in fact, and I'm sure that if she ends up having friends close to our house who also go the school, then she will be more than happy to walk, but if not, I'll drop her off. I have the time and considering it's round the corner from the primary school I'll be dropping her six year old sister off at, it's not exactly a problem.

i didn't think the local secondary school was suitable for my dd. The subtext is that your child is too good for the local school.

You don't want to send her there because she is Catholic - you stated your main reason which was because it's the only outstanding one and because you think it's fantastic. If the Catholic school was poorly rated you wouldn't consider it.

But I wouldn't have even had to of explained myself in so much detail if they had just left it and not decided grill me. I don't care were they chose to send their kids, why should I. But don't grill me, make me feel bad for making what I think is the best choice for my dd and then be surprised when I deliver a blunt opinion of their choice of school.

It's true that different schools suit different kids, but it's very easy to make it sound as though you mean your kid is better than all the other common little oiks and that's why you are sending your darling snowflake to the naicer school.

I have been tiptoeing round the conversations in the playground this year as yes, we did put DS in for the exams for the local grammars and one of the fee-paying schools. Mind you, he's tanked the exams for all but one grammar so unless he gets in to the one other selective school in the borough it's pot luck among the fucking academies for him. I keep telling myself that home-ed is an option of last resort if he gets assigned to the local Catholic secondary which is in special measures with staff being sacked for possible noncery and brawling...

If the catholic school was rated bad by ofsted but after visiting the school and speaking with the teachers extensively, I decided and felt in my heart of hearts that it would turn things around then I would still chose that school for my dd. I visited the local secondary however despite hearing and reading of it's bad reputation and I did get no such feeling that it was about to turn things around. What I did come across were teachers who felt in over their depths, who were struggling despite their best intentions, and pupils who clearly had no respect for staff and other pupils a like, so you tell me, why on earth would any decent parent chose to send their child to a place like this .

coffee, if your DD's school is 5 miles away she should have been entitled to free transport.

Well I honesty didn't mean to come across as though I think my dd is somehow bette than other kids. She's not, she's just your typical little kid, she's great and quite intelligent but she's very sensitive and I think it best she goes to a school were most of her friends will be going and and as that school is a great school, it's win win. The thing is like I said my friends kids are also baptised Catholic so if they really wanted they too could chose the same school I've chosen for my dd, so I don't know what their problem is. It's not as though they're atheists and therefore feel as though their children are discounted against and are missing out on a good school.

Discriminated that meant to say.

You're actually making yourself sound worse.

It's impossible to tell from a visit whether or not a school can turn things around. Even ofsted can't properly tell. A school I worked for had "outstanding" for "capacity to improve" which was a load of horse shit because the head and deputy were utterly corrupt and couldn't organise a bunk up in a brothel.

Very few parents aren't "decent" and don't want the best by their kids. You're tarring people with the same brush. The vast majority of pupils in a school have respect for teachers and each other as well.

Because fundamentally by not choosing"their" school you are criticising their parenting. I would never ever discuss such a topic, it will only end in tears.

If you were sending her based on her faith surely that's all you needed to say? As someone said if the catholic wasn't poorly rated would you still send her? I know how the catholic schools work I attended and my children attend catholic school. I have noticed a difference in the facilities to a state and catholic school. My old school is the only one in the area not rebuilt and modernised, the rest have been rebuild with new facilities. Education wise state school can provide more resources and equipment to aid learning due to funding so it does effect learning. You do come across smug sorry its my DD this etc. I could see why your friends got slightly arsey.

Also, going to a school because her friends are is a really low priority. They make new friends within 2 weeks and most rarely hang out with their primary school friends again.

Anyway I'm leaving this thread. You obviously feel you are correct.

I have Y6 child and it's quite hilarious really. I have one friend stressing about where her child can go, she said he would be eaten alive at the school my child is most likely going to. 'But I don't mean that in a bad way'

I'm torn between a school I really like, and a school DS really likes. Have put them both down but expect to get rejected for my face and offered DS face, so my angst will be 'do I appeal' as they apparently give out tons of spaces at appeal.

BUT I only talk to non Y6 parents about all this. It's just too hard to discuss without offending each other.

The etiquette surrounding secondary transfer is to say nothing and share no opinions. It causes no end of trouble.
But you know that now.

People often get very angry with other parents if their decisions vary in the slightest from their own. Ignore it.

DD wants to stay with her friends from primary and it happens to suit as dd2 is at the primary still; if dd wasn't so settled with her friends I'd have loved her to go round the corner.p You just had to leave it there.

Face = fave

You perhaps are coming across to your friends like you feel you have obviously chosen the best option. You wonder why they don't do the same?

In fact your comment at the start was the school they chose was easier for them, not necessarily their child...isn't that code for well if you were as good a parent as me you'd put the effort in and bother to go to a school further away?

Have you thought that they may be looking at you as if you were mad? Like another poster said, not everyone has the same criteria. It doesn't make them worse parents. Maybe they think you have chosen a worse option? I didn't choose an outstanding school over a more local mediocre one. I haven't sent my children to the same schools either!

I am reminded of when I started my DD at a nursery/ playgroup. I chose group A my two friends chose group B and C. We were all education savvy. Within a couple of weeks we had all moved, as we didn't feel the playgroup was any good. A went to B, B went to C and C went to A. We were then all happy with our choices.

To be fair, I didn't set out to purposely offend my friends, I was extremely taken a back with their abrupt and intrusive line of questioning. Maybe I should have just stated that the reason for choosing the school was based purely on faith but they too are of the same faith and no doubt they'd have got all huffy if I'd have said that as they then may have thought I was judging them for not choosing a faith school, oh it's confusing but you know what I mean? I can't win I really can't.

Roll on the day they ban schools from selecting children on the basis of a parent's church attendance.

Has your DD been to the school ,does she like it?
My DD1 fell madly in love with our local sneered at secondary and begged to go there.
She did amazingly well and ya boo sucks to the naysayers who went to private and got average results and a bit of trouble with sexting

If it suits your child its the right school.