To disagree with friends over school choice

[Jennifer1234]

My eldest child is 10 almost 11 and will go to secondary school this September. She goes to a faith school that is around two and a half miles from our home due to the fact all of the closer schools were dire at the time. The feeder secondary school I want dd to go to is the only outstanding secondary school in the borough and in my opinion is a fantastic school. It's also around the same distance from our house as her primary just in a slightly different direction.

So, I have two friends/neighbours in my street who I've known since we moved her (4 years ago). They both have daughters who are in year six like my dd so will start secondary school at the same time. Well today whilst having coffee at one of their houses I was barraged with a ton of questions as to why I'm choosing to send my dd to a secondary school so far away. I explained that i chose that school because it is a great school and my dd will almost certainly move up with 90% of her class which surely can only be a positive thing.

They then went on to tell me that I must be mad choosing a school so far away when there is a perfectly reasonable secondary school on our doorstep, oh and that it's not fair that my dd has a higher chance of getting into a better school just because she is baptised. So I reminded them that their own children are baptised so they too could opt for this particular school if they really wanted to and that i didn't think the local secondary school was suitable for my dd, to which I'm treated with looks of astonishment.

They just didn't let up and continued to ask me why did I feel the school was crappy and not good enough for my dd (I did not use those particular words) and that maybe I was getting above my station, by which time I made my excuses and left as I was enraged. I know in the grand scheme of things it's not exactly important but how dare they speak to me like this and grill me for making choices that best fit my dd and my family, then it dawned on me. They both chose the local primary (that is just as bad, if not worse than the local secondary) because it was besting easier for them not neccesarily their child. The primary and secondary are both less than five minutes walking distance, and whilst I can understand the benefits of choosing a local school, I would rather send my children a little bit further away if it ensured that they would get a better education. I really don't get what their problem is, all I do know is that they've severely ticked me off, so tell me Aibu here?

[Jennifer1234]

The primary school that my dd attends and the secondary I hope she will attend do not have a criteria for parents who attend church, if it did then trust me, half of the parents would have their children rejected. Yes, the majority of catholic schools do prioritise children who are Catholic first but many, just like my dd's do accept children year on year who are either of other faith or no faith at all.

[Jennifer1234]

Yes she visited the school at the beginning of year five and six with me and her dad and she's been twice with her class as the head arranges visits every year for children who go to primary feeder schools. She loves it, and is really excited as it's a computer/technical school and she is mad about IT and computer science.

[nicestrongtea]

That's your answer then - DD liked it .

[merrymouse]

The school is 2 miles away and they think that will be a problem?

[Blu]

So, due to your faith criteria you have more choice than them - you have the choice of an outstanding school, and due to you having had more choice at primary you are no safely in a feeder school. 30 places within a 2 mile radius is nothing!

That is how it works - our state system funds schools which put non faith applicants lower down the list.

They should not make this personal, and you of course should / can make the best of your available options in finding a school for your dd.

But as they did mention the faith criteria , you might have been a little appreciative of your greater choice rather than assuming they chose a school that you consider not good enough because they are to lazy to go further afield.

They may have picked some of your attitude up.

But haranguing you over your choices is not nice.

[Littlef00t]

Yes, any more probing questions and 'we felt the catholic school is the be best fit for Dd, we loved the tech focus.'

[Fairylea]

I think every parent should send their child to whatever school they feel is best for the child.

As a side note, 2 miles is absolutely nothing. My son is due to start primary in September and he has severe special needs and the only suitable special school is 23 miles away. The council will provide transport and I will take him myself some days. He will be 4.

So 2 miles for a secondary school is absolutely nothing at all!

[Gobbolino6]

I think the way to solve this is to think of a reason to give people questioning you that doesn't portray their children's future school in a negative light.

[HanYOLO]

YABU

1. you've dissed their choice
   
2. it ISN'T fair that a baptised child should stand a better chance of getting a place at a "better" school (but then whole choice system stinks)
   

so, basically you should have stuck with "it's the feeder school and we hope she'll be going with her friends"

[afussyphase]

If they actually said "above your station" they are being very, very unreasonable!

[ScoutandAtticus]

Based on what you say, they are wrong of course. However, I have a friend who is Catholic and sends her child to the local catholic primary. When we were applying for primary schools and initially only got a fairly poor choice , she positively dripped smugness at the thought we couldn't get into her school because we were not part of the club. She openly admitted she only began going to church when her daughter was born to get her into the desired school. Arguably I could have done the same but seeing as I and DH are not Catholic then It was different to her who had been bought up Catholic but later lapsed. Fast forward 6 years and we are now thinking of secondary schools. My friend has the choice of the high performing Catholic school and we have the choice of the crap local school or moving. Again the smugness has begun, I don't think she can actually help herself. I try not to rise to it but if you were in any way similar then I can see why it may annoy people.


As someone else said, we live in a time for some ridiculous reason where the school admission process favours people who happen to be a certain religion or rich enough to live at the right address. It's ludicrous.

[Namechangenell]

You could have turned the tables on them and asked them why they thought their choice was better. Don't worry about it OP, you did the best for your child. That's all that's matters. I would be a tad worried about 'friends' who behave like this, mind. Surely you should all respect each others' choices?

[AyeAmarok]

You do sound very judgemental.

You don't know their reasons for their choice of school but you've decided that they're lazy, selfish and don't care about their child's education.

Which is a pretty low blow, really.

[SolidGoldBrass]

In our area, there are several Catholic schools. Roughly half of them are in special measures or RI. It is something of a myth that faith schools are superior to maintained schools.

[Sallyhasleftthebuilding]

so you tell me, why on earth would any decent parent chose to send their child to a place like this

There's your answer

[coffeeisnectar]

gruntled I applied but got turned down as there was a nearer utterly appalling school only 4 miles away she could have gone to. They wouldn't have paid travel though even though there's no way I could have got her there in the car with her sister being at a different school. Still, it's over now :o. She's in her second year of 6th form which she gets a bursary for which covered her travel, books and new sports kit.

[IcecreamBus]

OP you are making the best choice for your children from your point of view. That's all any of us can do for our kids. What others think doesn't matter.

[TowerRavenSeven]

YANBU to disagree but YABU to talk about it. I learned years ago not to talk about our choices unfortunately.

[Saukko]

"Getting above your station" - are they in Downton Abbey?

It's not an uncommon view, though. My hometown had an abysmal school, which got worse and worse each year until only a handful of children scraped exam passes, rarely above a C, and new student numbers each year dipped to 15 or so. The worse it got, the fewer people applied, so it was a vicious circle really. It wasn't really a bad area, just almost any child with a parent giving the smallest of damns went to other schools. The intake for this place was basically a handful of kids whose parents hadn't filled out the forms and all the other places had gone, or they believed applying anywhere else was 'snobby', 'snooty' and 'above our station'. Wouldn't want to get too posh, right?

When I was a (somewhat snobby) kid and we all had our eye on The Good Schools, there was one single kid in the class who was going to Bogtrot's High. We were agog and asked why. She shrugged; her parents had said Bogtrot's had been good enough for them (twenty years or so prior) so it was good enough for her.

The school was closed a few years ago. Intake had plummeted to single figures. They tried changing the name but, astonishingly, people weren't fooled.

I've seen some snippets in 'Secret Teacher' as well, about kids they try and encourage onto various courses or taking certain options but their families pull them back - "that's not for people like us", "getting too good for us, are you?", that kind of thing. I would never have believed it - I thought everyone wanted their kids to do well and have more chances than they'd had, but nope.

[SantasLittleMonkeyButler]

YANBU. If you are lucky enough to live in an area where there actually is a choice then of course you are going to go with the best school for your DCs.

Here there are 3 secondary schools in town, all perfectly good but all different. DS2 went to a different school to DS1, because each time we chose the school that seemed to suit that individual child the best. DS2 is actually at our catchment school.

Your neighbours have obviously got the impression that you think their choice of school beneath you. As you say you have known each other for 4 years, this may be an impression you've been giving off for some time?