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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to take the grandparent rights off my biological dad.

30 replies

xsmilkyx · 15/01/2016 10:43

Hi mum /mums to be.

This is my first time on here.
Let me explain my situation in a little more detail.
First of all there is me an older sister and an older brother. My dad left when I was just 12 weeks old. We had nothing to do with him for years. In fact my uncle became my father figure. I couldn't not have asked for a better support network growing up. Sadly he passed 8 years ago.
My sister 8 years older than me got in touch with her dad and started a relationship. She has pushed him back into the family. I stated very clearly from the beginning. That my uncle was my dad and just because he had died I would not replace the father figure in my life with my biological dad who walked out all those years ago. So now we all have boundaries . We get on. And I am very civil with him. To me he is just my sisters dad John.

Now I am a ftm at 20 weeks. I know what to expect once this baby arrives. He or my sister will expect him to become granddad like he is to her 5 kids.

But I don't want that. I want my child to grow up knowing my uncle and how much of a dad he was. Am I being unreasonable pushing my own grudges on to my child leaving him/her without a living granddad on my side. Or am I within rights to strip him from all grandparents right. He wasn'tla father to Me so he has nothing to do with my child surly. Is that unfair for my child ? To be signed out from the other kids in the family

Thanks in advance

OP posts:

TPel · 15/01/2016 10:45

In the UK grandparents don't have any automatic rights (I hate that expression).

It is your decision who your child sees growing up.

Ratbagcatbag · 15/01/2016 10:50

I'm the same, although my "dad" was around until I was 17, he was an abusive violent nasty bully. My dd is now three, she knows she had a grandad from my DH who unfortunately died last year, but I've just told her she hasn't got one on my side. I have no contact at all now so my situation is slightly different, but as our mums are both not in the best of help, we've written clear wills that express what is to happen to dd and that my bio dad is to have zero contact.
Just introduce him as john and make it clear that any attempt to confuse your child will result in no unsupervised contact. (With your sister etc).

notquitehuman · 15/01/2016 10:50

You decide who is part of your child's life. If he tries to be the hero grandad, then just say no. No, he can't come round. No, you don't want gifts etc.

At the worst, he could attempt to take you to court for access, but if he's a deadbeat dad is he really going to bother?

TheSecondViola · 15/01/2016 10:51

He doesn't have any rights, and you don't need to do anything.

ImperialBlether · 15/01/2016 10:51

I wouldn't want anything to do with a father who left me at 12 weeks. If he's at your sister's can't you be civil but leave it at that? I would explain to the children - I would think they'd be horrified that he could leave you.

stairbears · 15/01/2016 10:52

Grandparents can't enforce contact in the UK, they have no legal rights to see their grandchild. Just avoid him.

TurnOffTheTv · 15/01/2016 10:55

You can't strip him of any Grandparent rights because he doesn't have any. Just don't see him.

MrsJayy · 15/01/2016 10:59

Your father has no rights you chose who sees your baby. the relationship your sisters must be so awkward for you but you are your own person tell baby about uncle.

I wouldnt know my biological dad if he walked passed me in the street when i had my dd 20odd years ago an aunt said your dad would love to be a granddad the aunt just got a face and never mentioned it again.

wonkylegs · 15/01/2016 10:59

As others have said grandparents don't have any rights in the UK, it's up to you how your child interacts with them. I'm not sure I would completely cut them out of their lives though. My parents are divorced and my dad has a new partner that we love to bits but it's clear to our son that she's not his granny she's just an extra part of the family. His granny (my mum) is frankly a shit grandparent (it follows her parenting style tbh) but she's still granny, but unlike the other grandparents she never gets left with our son and we control time with her quite strictly (for various reasons), but we also don't expect much from her and don't lead our child to either. Just because they are a grandparent doesn't mean they will be good at it or that they get rights of any kind over our child, they like everybody else is judged on their actions and gets treated appropriately.
You don't need to explain this to your kids when they are little but may want to as they get older as they may find it a bit confusing. I found being honest but sparing gory details helps.

Melonaire · 15/01/2016 11:05

You're the parent. Call him John to the baby from the start.

Branleuse · 15/01/2016 11:08

I think your childs relationship with their grandparents is entirely seperate from yours, so if hes not dangerous or abusive then youre being unfair to keep them apart or pretend that hes not their granddad

Melonaire · 15/01/2016 11:08

You might find your feelings about your biological father to intensify when you have a newborn. I've heard many people say that they find it more difficult to deal with a parent that walked away or was otherwise neglectful when they have DC of their own.

Original poster

xsmilkyx · 15/01/2016 11:10

So I am not being unreasonable. Or passing my own grudges on to my child ? Once my child is old the situation can be explained a little better. Thank you guys.

I know it will cause trouble with my sister. But surly she has to understand from my point of view. I have put my own issues aside to be civil with him for her benefit and her children's. Surly she can understand my rules and reasons with my child.

OP posts:

Original poster

xsmilkyx · 15/01/2016 11:14

I understand this. My issue is he was never there for me. How can I risk that he will just walk 9ut of my child's life as well. He used to pick his daughter up and the school gate and walk straight past me. I can not trust that a man that can do that to his own daughter will not do something so hurtful and similar to my child

OP posts:

WeAllHaveWings · 15/01/2016 11:15

If you don't want him to have a relationship with your dc to punish him for not being there for you then YABU.

If you don't want him to have a relationship with your dc because he is currently not reliable/a good influence/it would never work with your relationship with him and that cant change then YANBU.

If the person he is now would be a good role model and be good to have in your childs life why not? A child can never have too many good people to love them.

YANBU to tell you child about your real dad, your uncle.

NNalreadyinuse · 15/01/2016 11:16

As others have said, he has no rights and it is up to you whether he sees your child.

But I would just ask, what kind of grandad is he to your sister's children? Is he a positive force in their lives. I say this because my own grandparents were not the best parents to my dad, but mellowed in old age and were actually nice grandparents. This relied on my dad being the total sweetheart that he is and allowing the relationship to form. It required a lot of good will from both my parents but Im glad I knew them. You are fortunate in that you can judge how he is as a gp before you even have your baby.

Not saying you should, only that sometimes people make better grandparents than parents and if that is so, it can be a positive. It might also help you to feel better about him. Forming a relationship with him (if you choose to) does not take anything away from your uncle or mean that you love him less. It's just that for your child, they will never know that uncle but do have an opportunity to have a grandad. Obviously, if he is sn abusive arse then my advice would be to let him nowhere near you

Anyway, just a thought.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 15/01/2016 11:16

They're not grudges though, really, are they. You didn't even know your bio dad. Your older sister though, she must have been 8 when he left, so I can understand why she got back in touch with him.

However, it's your choice who you have in your family and if you don't want him, then you don't have to have him - but if your sister is difficult about it, then you may lose her as well. You may also find, if she decides to stay in contact with you, that she will go behind your back and have your bio dad around while your baby is there (whether with or without you).

YANBU to want your sister to respect your decision at all.

Melonaire · 15/01/2016 11:16

Your sister is 8 years older? So as a child she had 8 years to know and love him as her father before he left and miss his absence. To you he's a stranger who didn't appear in your life until you where a grown adult. It's not surprising you have different views on this. He was never a parent to you.

Explain to your sister that while you're not shutting him out of your child's life he will be John to your child. See how it goes from there. I understand you feel it would be disrespectful to your Uncle in some way for your bio father to become Grandad but, as your child grows up, he may become important to your child whatever you call him.

Melonaire · 15/01/2016 11:20

I've just seen this

'He used to pick his daughter up and the school gate and walk straight past me.'

I'm not surprised you're wary.

Original poster

xsmilkyx · 15/01/2016 11:21

Thank you for all your messages guys. Really helped ease my mind

OP posts:

Shockers · 15/01/2016 11:23

If I were you I'd avoid all contact with him anyway.

Perhaps I'm hard... I think dealing with abandonment by a parent, at an early age can do that to a girl .

I completely understand your feelings.

TeddTess · 15/01/2016 11:32

i'm surprised you are even civil to him. i'd cut him out completely. so what if it upsets your sister.

amarmai · 15/01/2016 11:46

i'd want to ask him how he cd walk right past you as this wd burn a hole in my heart. His answer might help you resolve your dilemma one way or the other.Wd also help your sister respect where you stand.

SevenOfNineTrue · 15/01/2016 11:49

I think YABU.

While my circumstances were different, I was the GC who was not acknowledged by my Grandmother due to a family feud. It was awful knowing that she loved all my other cousins but I was excluded and not wanted. Your child will see her cousins interacting with John and she will be left out and have no idea why.

Unless he is a bad influence etc I'd let your child have contact.

Good luck with whatever you choose to do.

liquidrevolution · 15/01/2016 11:53

I am NC with my dad. My step dad is my DDs grandparent. My sister has limited contact with my dad but she knows I do not wish him in my life and her DC call my stepdad grandad.

So far it has not impacted on anything. But DD is only 18 months and I dont live near my dad.

Please just explain to your Dsis that you do not want him in your life. If she does not understand then I think you need to reconsider whether you want her in your life as well.

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