Overtaking funerals

[Owllady]

Please don't do it. You just look like a twatty twat
Overtaking a hearse reversing into the churchyard whilst the family watch on. Biggest nobber in nobsville
I'm glad that's sorted

A cortege or funeral is the sole few minutes a family has to scream to the world "MY LIFE IS IN TATTERS, FUCKING NOTICE!" and to see people taking a moment to show respect to the hearse for the sake of the survivors is frankly the least one can hope for in the depths of grief.

"Stop all the clocks; shut off the telephone".

I'm sorry, but as long as the overtaking is done safely and legally I don't get it. If it's done unsafely and illegally then you can hand me a pitchfork and I'll be right there alongside you.

I mean for all you know, those "twats" could be out of hours doctors on their way to a sick child. Or a firefighter / paramedic who's been called in to help cover an emergency situation. They could be on the way to a hospital to see a relative who's been in an accident, or who's been told they haven't got much time left, or an expectant mother in labour being taken to the hospital. It could be a parent on their way to collect a poorly child from school. It could be someone on their way to a crucial hospital appointment. You just don't know. Even if they are just impatient bastards, and I'll agree that on balance most probably are, I still couldn't condemn them for going round - as long as it's done safely and legally.

Sometimes it's also very hard to tell what it is you're following, especially if the cortege is made up of normal cars, and if you've already started the overtaking manoeuvre then it's best to follow through, rather than slam on the brakes and dive back into the queue of traffic the moment you realise there's a hearse up ahead. I suspect an awful lot of cutting-up of funeral corteges is caused by this - people start an overtaking manoeuvre, realise what they're overtaking when they get a better view, and move back in, inadvertently cutting in between the funeral party cars. I can't condemn people for making a mistake either.

WhatALoad - grieving is different for everyone, and for many people, cars overtaking and cutting into the cortege is upsetting and disrespectful. Since there is no way of knowing whether the deceased or their relatives are, like you, unworried by this behaviour, or whether the mourners will be upset if you overtake, surely the best option is to err on the side of caution and hang back.

When my father died, we didn't have a cortege to take us to the church. Owing to scheduling issues, and the distance from the country church to the crematorium, we decided to have the post-funeral meal after the church service and before the cremation (the latter was only for close family, so everyone got to have something to eat and drink, and a chance to talk, before some of us headed for the crematorium, and the rest went home.

All this is background to what happened immediately after the church service. Dad was being taken back to the funeral director's chapel of rest, and would then be brought to the crematorium at the right time, so the hearse moved off from the church, and with no planning at all, everyone else fell in behind it, and we ended up with a cortege that traveled to the junction a mile from the church, where the hearse went right and we all went left.

I had no idea that this was going to happen, and when we turned left, I looked back and saw the cortege coming down the road we had just left, and that procession of cars really touched my heart in a way I cannot explain - I guess it was a last gesture of respect and affection from everyone towards my dad - in fact, 15 years on, just typing this has brought a lump to my throat and a tear to my eye again.

If that procession had been disrupted by some arsehole driving aggressively and putting their desire to get wherever ahead of what my dad's friends were doing for him and for his family, I would have been irrationally upset by that.

Funerals are generally a difficult, emotionally fraught time - surely everyone can understand and accept that - and whilst overtaking the hearse and cortege might not upset the mourners, hanging back and showing a bit of respect is much less likely to upset them, on a day which is upsetting enough as it is. And I would rather be a bit too thoughtful and respectful than not enough.

SDT if you all turned a different way to the hearse then how would people know you were a funeral procession not just a line of cars?. Twatty driving is annoying at any time and particularly upsetting when you are stressed for any reason. I understand it is nice to feel a 'unit' at a time like that but if a car could reasonably have pulled into a gap in a line of unmarked cars then I can't see it is fair to complain?

I didn't grow up in UK so it could have been easily me who'd overtake funeral hearse. For a long time I wasn't aware of the local funeral custom and in my home country we don't have such a tradition either so there you go, another reason why someone might do it.

This thread did prompt me to discuss it with my husband, that should it happen, I will NOT want my "final journey" in an hearse. Anything else but not that.

Blaeberry - I did say it would have been irrational of me to be upset - partly for the reasons you stated - after the hearse had gone the other way, there was nothing to mark us out as a cortege - not even limos for the close family, as mum had decided against that. That said, in our specific situation, we were in a very rural area, where there is almost no traffic, so a long procession of cars would have been pretty unusual, and people would have been able to see that something was happening.

Helipad - when my cousin died (far too young), her brother drove her to the church in her mum's Morris 1000 Traveller Estate - which was perfect for her. I think that there are companies out there who know that not everyone wants the hearse and limo option, and you could find something that suited you better.

My dad is a bit of a speed demon (I'm exactly the opposite) and would get nearly apoplectic with rage stuck behind milk floats etc.

When he snuffs it, I'll see if I can get the hearse driver to thrash it down the dual carriageway and perform a handbrake turn outside the crem.

It is what he'd want.

I don't really see this as an issue. I wouldn't mind if people overtook the procession of someone I loved and if I were the one dead I would certainly prefer to prevent a hold up and would prefer people overtook.

Helipad, a Hearse is completely optional, you would be surprised how many options are available, double decker busses, tanks, motorcycles, bicycles. We once had a lady who requested to be taken to the crem in her Volvo. And so after being sat on a table in a pub for an hour before the service her family popped her in the back of the Volvo and drove her down to the crem. She also had pictures of the Gordon's gin logo all over her coffin. :)

As I said earlier, chrome - it's clear that a lot of people would be - and are - upset by people doing this. And as there's no way to know, when you come up behind a cortege, whether the deceased and/or their relatives will or will not be upset if you overtake, isn't it better to act on the assumption that they will be upset, and hang back?

That way, you don't run the risk of upsetting someone on an already stressful and emotional day.

Obviously, if you don't know it's a cortege, or if you are in an emergency situation, that's different, but in the OP's example, the hearse was reversing into the churchyard - I don't see how anyone could have failed to realise what was going on, so that excuse wouldn't fly, in that situation.

I may also be somewhat cynical about drivers - I see plenty of stupid behaviour on the roads, and I don't believe that all of the drivers who are speeding/overtaking dangerously/cutting other drivers up etc etc, are all on their way to some life-or-death emergency. I suspect that the vast majority of them are people who think they own the road, and that they have the god-given right to do whatever they want, to get where they want, as quickly as possible, with no regard for anyone else on the roads.

However, I can honestly say I don't personally get it. Despite having lost close loved ones, I would rather a funeral procession I was in travelled at a normal speed and couldn't care less whether other drivers safely overtake or not. I also do not see the significance as a mourner of travelling immediately behind the coffin. I'd rather not. I'd also prefer people didn't wear black, but normal coloured smart clothing. Actually, for my own funeral, I'd rather the mourners do whatever makes them feel most comfortable. It won't matter much to me.

Agree 100%

When my lovely MIL was dying (bastard cancer), dh and his db asked me to talk to her about her wishes for her funeral - and one thing she was very definite about was that she didn't want people to wear black - she wanted bright colours, so that's what we did. We had a hymn she chose, too.

I know a lot of people would say what was the point - she wasn't going to know what we did - but it was what helped us make a difficult time a bit easier to deal with.

"I also do not see the significance as a mourner of travelling immediately behind the coffin."

Thinking about this point - I suppose it is the last journey you will ever make with that person. You can't be with them, but you can be close to them - for the last time. And maybe it is a last mark of respect for the person, too. Plus, as someone said, earlier on the thread, there can be a feeling that, having lost that person, the world has stopped for you, for the moment, and you want the rest of the world to stop too (they mentioned the 'Stop all the clocks' poem). Their grief, and their need to mourn may be all-encompassing, and maybe, the car that speeds past and pushes into the cortege says to them 'I don't care about your grief, I only care about getting to my meeting/the shops/whatever'. Of course that is not logical or rational - the other driver has no emotional connection to the deceased or their family - why should they care?

But surely, if we can show a bit of kindness to someone on a really bad day (and a funeral usually is a really bad day), shouldn't we do so? Under normal circumstances, and as long as you can see that there is a cortege ahead of you, is it really so hard to slow down a bit, or go a different way? If the mourners wouldn't have minded you going past, they are unlikely to mind you going a different way, or hanging back, but if it would upset them, why is it a bad thing to offer that little bit of kindness?

Livin also makes a very good point - as it's the last journey you will take with that person, many people will not want it to be over, because you know where it ends.

It's the overt sentimentality that's twattish. Get a grip.

I love how this thread started out with the MN usual "Let's come up wih the most unlikely obscure explanation for someone acting like a twat and run with that!" Instead of the far more likely "They're an impatient twat".

I have IBS, by the way. Still don't overtake funeral processions.

One person's 'overt sentimentality' may be another person's grieving process, though, caravanista.

Have I missed something? I am hoping caravan is referring to something else and not saying that funerals and burying a loved one is over sentimental and people need to get a grip...

Empathy. Tis a wonderful gift.

I always stop and bow my head when I see a hearse coming past and I teach my children to do the same. We live near a cemetery as well so it happens often.

When my ex got cremated there were work men on the corner of the road where we were leaving from. They stopped, took their hats off and bowed their heads. I still remember it because it really touched me.

I would only over take funeral cars in a matter of life or death situation.

It's the overt sentimentality that's twattish. Get a grip.

Fuck off with your get a grip crap.

I always turn off the radio in my car if I pass a hearse

Oh no, I don't mean pass as in overtake, I mean pass by on the other side of the road!