Traffic Post HELP ME PLEASE!

[BetsyMalone]

Sorry this is long but I need to give background ...

Dds are 6 and almost 4. We DO disciple one them - we use time outs , take away screen time etc . But ...

They do not listen to me or respect me. The eldest even tells me that she doesn't have to do as I ask if she doesn't want to .

I collected her from school today - a rare treat as normally she goes to after school club .

From the minute she realised I hadn't brought her a snack , she was rude to me , refused to talk to me about her day - I just got eye rolling and one line shouty replies .

If I ask her to do simple tasks, she growls in my face in anger , says no and stamps her feet .

The youngest has regular tantrums . She also demands that I or daddy do things for her - if I'm free to help her and daddy is busy , she will demand daddy help her and refuse me . She will throw herself on the floor and kick and scream .

I've had enough . Sometimes the demands and tantrums start from 5:30am .

Tonight I called eldest for teeth brushing , she came then decided she needed to go get something from downstairs . I said she could wait until after teeth , she ignored me and went anyway !

She then refused to brush her teeth so I told her to go to her room - she refused so I had to carry her in whilst she was laughing and clinging to the door .

Youngest then went in to her room and started having a tantrum because I wasn't immediately free (DH went to her ).

She started kicking her furniture (she does this often ).

So I told them both no story before sleep tonight .

Youngest is currently having an epic tantrum and is crying her eyes out for a story . I'm ready to cave .

I told eldest no faffing with soft toys before bed (she did this last night and didn't go to sleep til late - I didn't realise as she was quiet).

She asked me to dress one of her barbie dolls she keeps near her bed . I said no it's sleep time and we will do it in the morning . I told her to put it away .

After dealing with the youngest again , I went back to eldest's room who was sitting dressing the bloody barbie !

So I took it and put it away myself . I told her not to ignore me and left the room .

She then got out of bed and retrieved the doll to take back to bed !

So again , I took it and put it away explaining she can have it back in the morning . I have left her with her favourite bears and barbies she has on a shelf next to her .

Well she has gone ballistic ! She is screaming , crying , telling me it's her favourite one (I don't think it is ) . She is sobbing . More screaming . Refusing to settle .

I've tried to comfort her , she shouts at me more . I've ignored her and she's still going .

I feel bad . Really bad . But I need to follow through don't I ?

She rarely gets this upset .

What should I do ?

I am really doubting myself here so please be gentle !

We had a lot of this with ds but we got a brilliant book called 1,2,3, Magic and it sorted it all out. Dh and I had to work together but the book explains the details of how to manage behaviour properly and it was remarkably quick once we understood.

We still get outbursts now but they end in quite discussion and improved behaviour rather than constant escalation.

This is the book:
www.amazon.co.uk/123-MAGIC-THOMAS-W-PHELAN/dp/1889140708/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1452657210&sr=8-1&keywords=1-2-3-+magic

Thank you so much for all of the tips and advice

I'm going to look in to 123 magic . It's the consequences I struggle with but something needs to change .

They're not like this all of the time - I think the Christmas holidays have mutated my children!

We're also going to sit down after school and make a "house rules" sheet which I'm going to let them help decorate etc .

Dd2 eventually went to sleep without the story .

Dd1 went on for quite a while but eventually she asked for a cuddle in her bed . I did and she went to sleep .

This parenting is very hard ! I hope I'm not the only one getting it wrong . Everyone else seems to sail through it

I'm also going to use stickers for following house rules .

I always praise them for good things but if I add a sticker in, then they can each pick a reward at the end of the week .

From my experience I would suggest you start by:
a) prioritise what is really important - let those that aren't slide. Don't engage with a battle that you don't really need.

b) work on transitions give warnings, and keep to them (5 minutes, 3 minutes, 1 minute, now!)
c) try to have a snack/drink after school - low blood sugar and thirst can cause dreadful behaviour.

Oh and just because you want "Mummy picking you up to be a treat, it might not be to her. Or can be such a disruption to routine that its hard to cope.

PS. The behaviour might not be about you - she may have had a dreadful day at school (and if she's been "lovely" there she may have been bottling it up).

Amazing advice on here! Mine are 18 and 19 now and OP they were your DC's many years ago. I didn't have MN to guide me I muddled through and learnt as I went but they are both lovely young adults that I'm so proud of, so have faith!

Really recommend this book.

As an aside, and please don't take offence as I'm not saying your DC's behaviour IS related to this (just that it could be for some families), look at the other relationships modelled in your household, particularly the one with your DP. Lack of respect between adults is often reflected in children's behaviour.

But ultimately, take comfort from the fact tat there's no parent alive who hasn't had a day similar to the one you're describing at some point.

You are going to have to toughen up a bit with them.

They don't have any respect for you. They are not afraid of any consequences, if they misbehave. So clearly, confiscating things isn't cutting it.

I think you need to take a much harsher tone. Do you shout at them? I mean, do you really tell them off? Like our parents used to, back in the 70's.? They need to know that you mean business!

I have no doubt that many people will disagree with me. There's a "softly softly" approach to parenting these days. It simply doesn't work. I see so many badly behaved kids around these days, and the parents trying to reason with them, and when the child doesn't comply, they shrug their shoulders and give up. It really grates on me. Who the hell is in charge?

They need to know that you are in charge. I wouldn't want the kids to be scared of you. But - they need to be very scared of the consequences of being naughty. Be formidable, shout, even a smack on the bottom if needs be.

You'll only need to be this hard a handful of times, before they get it and start to behave.

I have 2 kids. Now aged 19 and 17. I only had to smack bums and shout a handful of times, when they were young. After that, a look and a very stern "NO" would do the trick.

Don't be afraid of being the boss. They are looking to you to set boundaries. You may not like it when you have to get tough (no-one does). But it's your job to do just that.

There is a middle ground blondeonatreadmill between shrugging and smacking and that's what most of the posts here have been aimed at helping the OP find.