to just want a fucking break?

[JeannePoole]

This has the potential to turn into a massive long rant, so a summary:

Me: mid-40s, DH and I both work FT in specialised professional jobs. We have a one-year-old DS. My elderly mum has a neurodegenerative condition and moved next door to us (at our suggestion) a few years ago. She is more or less housebound although is capable of walking round the shops for half an hour or so if I drive her there.
I go and cook her dinner every evening. She can't eat with us because the time she needs to eat clashes with DS's bedtime and she refuses to eat a lot of stuff we like. I take her to appointments, shopping etc which can take up significant chunks of the weekend. I often get very little thanks because she's too busy criticising me for stuff I'm doing wrong with DS and I certainly don't get the sense that she realises how wearing this is and how little 'downtime' it leaves me, especially since DS was born. I've been basically her only source of support since DF died 15 years ago. She's always been quite self-centered and that's getting worse. Understandable in view of her situation but I find it hard that she never seems to consider that I'm a person too.

Anyway.

DH and I haven't had a holiday since before DS was born, and haven't been abroad for over three years. The last time we went away, we organised a carer to spend time at DM's house, but she had to pay for it, didn't like some minor aspects of it (eg the woman smoking in the garden), and so doesn't want to do it again. DH is going away for three nights with work soon and she's refused to countenance getting someone else (eg her sister who lives a couple of hours away) to help while I'm on my own looking after both her and DS. In fact, she wants to sleep at our house "because that'll be easier for both of us." No it won't.
The implication of this, of course, is that, if the only person she'll get help from - even for a couple of nights - is me, then we can't ever go on holiday. That's not fair on DH and DS.

Am I just being a selfish cow?

This will sound harsh though it's not meant in that way but, by cancelling previously booked plans then you are enabling her behaviour-this needs to stop.
Book a holiday as others have said then stick to your guns, tell her you the dates you are going & outline her options.
You need a break, it's impossible to carry on as you are.

Have you thought about your local hospice? I work in one, and we regularly have people coming for in for a week of planned respite who sound just like your mum! You need a break. Caring is hugely demanding. Don't underestimate it.

Once you've got things sorted for this break (and you will) talk through the scenarios between you and your dh.

How did the 'getting herself in a state' manifest itself in the run up to the last time you were away? Agree plans, and write them down if you have to.

Talk about various types of emergency and how you will handle them involving you still going on holiday

I'm going to adapt that MN classic 'No is a complete sentence' and will just ask you to remember that 'Call 999, Mum' is a complete sentence too. If she is very unwell and you are about to go away (most likely) or actually out of the area (less likely) tell her to call 999 and then drive away. This will be hard but tbh if she is so ill that you need to cancel your holiday, she needs to be in hospital and you don't have to cancel your holiday. IYSWIM.

Dont ask her, tell her. You need a break, if you dont have one you will end up resenting her.

I think you are doing a great thing in looking after her, a 1yo and working ft. You should be very proud of yourself :)

Excelsa we have thought about the hospice, yes, in fact we've spoken to them. But we need a referral, and neither the GP nor the consultant will give us one...

Oh no, sorry, that is not good. From the info you've provided it sounds like it would be an entirely appropriate referral. Maybe your local hospice has different criteria. Here we take referrals from other members of multidisciplinary team i.e. care coordinators, social workers, district nurses.
Also, weekly day hospice/positive living groups could be way to link in. But if you've already spoken to them I expect you know this already.
Hope someone helps soon.

YAofcourseNBU, as everybody has said.

You need to find a way to redraw your boundaries with your DM and reassess what you are able to give: of yourself, your strength, your time and your emotional resilience.
Caring for somebody as you do is similar to a marathon in that you have to pace yourself to make sure you can continue.

I agree with whoever said 'Don't ask her, tell her'. Tell her that you cannot continue with the state of affairs, tells her that SS have been asked for a community care assessment and that an arrangement has to be found to allow you as a family to go away. It may help for your mother to consider that if she looks and agrees to options NOW she has the chance to have some input in her future care, if she refuses to engage then an emergency situation may force everybody's hand and she loses the option of expressing a preference.

It is so, so hard, what you are doing, and you owe it to yourself and your family (including your mum) that you look after yourself

What does your husband feel about his MIL's demands?

What age is she? Is her illness purely physical or is she in cognitive decline beyond what would be age-related? Who does her housework, laundry, etc.?

If she can potter around the shops surely she can heat up a meal or make a sandwich? Can't you just phone her at the appropriate time and say "mom, time to eat" (a huge burden in and of itself but it's absurd to go over there every day.)

If she goes into manipulative hysterics if you try to withdraw some of your service to her - maybe you need some sort of social worker to join you for a four-way chat - her, you, your DH and the social services worker - about how to streamline her care and what the options are for freeing up your time.

You need not frame it as "I need a break" though that is certainly legit. But if it makes you uncomfortable you could say you need more time to volunteer at your child's school, or that you are going to be putting in longer hours on the job, or whatever. It sounds as though there are viable options but that she just wants you at her beck and call.

I agree with the others - present your holiday plans as a done deal and ask her to select one of two options - stay with sister, drop-in caretaker, etc. "Mother, we will not be canceling our vacation so please do not get yourself worked up into a state, it's not going to change anything. I will not be guilted out of my vacation."

IME older people can become incredibly demanding and selfish with their adult DC (and friends and neighbors) because they find the idea of paid carers and nursing homes abhorrent. But also, IME, they do get used to paid carers. You need to be firm with your DM, OP. Roles are now reversed and you do have to tell her what you cannot manage to do for her.

I might be the only one who thinks yabu!!!
I'm a carer to DS6 and he is hard work, lots of appointments etc. Tube fed, lots of meds, double incontinent.
I've not been abroad for 8 years, holiday for 3 years! I get 4-5 hours sleep if I'm lucky!
I've got 3 kids and me with EDS and DH with MS.
Stop feeling sorry for your circumstance and let DH enjoy what's left of his mum....

Your time will come X

Sometimes - it's her mum, not her DH's mum. And this isn't a competition

Sometimes you have an enormously valid point, and people like you are part of the reason I asked the question. I'm painfully aware that what I do isn't much, in the grand scheme of things, and that many, many people do far, far more than me. I beat myself up about it on a regular basis. Thank you for all you do, and xx

Don't post often, but threads like these give me the rage!!

My MIL has dementia (not RTFT, but didn't pick up on your mum having that condition, from your OP at least), so cannot really be blamed for this kind of attitude. OH is an only child, so the duty of care here does fall very much to us, but dementia has the advantage that MIL will forget the carers ever having shown up by the time we get out of work each day and can visit for the "evening shift".

But if she is in sound mind, your mum is being a right selfish cow.

No compromises on this.

Tell her she has a choice for cover over the course of this holiday: either accept carers for the interim, or struggle on alone.

Either she will find "miraculous" reserves to survive independently (this is my suspicion, based on your original post - I reckon she's capable of far more than she's letting on), or she will acknowledge her dependency needs and accept support.

If she is compus mentis still, aside from the holiday, then shove her a load of ready meals, and if she can't be arsed to put them on on time, that's not your problem.

If she is showing signs of dementia, that's a different kettle of fish. As a first point of call, could you try ringing up every evening to remind her to put them on (rather than go around each and every day yourself), and start looking at support alternatives...? My position is rather softer there as, with the best will in the world, she could not then entirely support herself - which, btw, does not IN ANY WAY negate your need for a break.

If that doesn't work, it's SS territory (buy you'll have to lay it on thick to get any sort of blood from a stone there...).

It sounds from your post that mentally she's fine.

Show no mercy.

I only wish I could!

She refuses to countenance getting other help? OK, how about you refuse to countenance being there when she's chosen to reject the help available elsewhere?

What happens if she misses her meds or doesn't take them with the proper juxtaposition of food? Are we talking "she'll collapse and need resuscitation" or "she'll get an upset stomach" ?? If something more like the latter than I agree with LadyShirazz; make her a week's worth of meals, label them and set an alarm to go off each day at the proper time. Expecting you to run forth and back if she is mobile around her house is nuts.

Jeanne, what you do sounds like far more than we do for someone who, unless I'm missing something in terms of her mental and physical state, needs far less.

Either way, you need some back up in.

At the moment, we fund private carers out of MIL's generous pension (looking to kick SS into action after five years of them saying "she's not bad enough yet" - she is now...).

MIL has no idea that the nice lady who shows up every day (and she forgets ever having been five minutes later) is nothing other than free care provided by, ummm, magic.

This level of activity is really not sustainable. Please, depending on her circumstances, either lay down the law or get more help in, presenting the latter as a fait accompli and brooking no argument in the process!

*We do far less for someone who needs much more, I meant.

And rightly so - or we'd all be on our knees.

Jeanne... It's your mum... I'm so sorry !!!! Enjoy her... Please.
It's all hard. Sometimes I think I'm a bit of a knob ... Then I think.... I'm doing all I can. My time will come.
I lost mum last year and I'd do all I could to have her back... Warts and all. This tough time will be a small part . Take s couple of hours for you. I use the gym... My time And I'm stronger got lifting and stamina !
Don't stress the small stuff, sometimes our lives are bigger!

My mum and I at one point were able to laugh about the fact that I was becoming the 'mother' and she the 'child', but as she got further into dementia it became, well, not so funny. But for most of us the parent/child roles will become reversed sooner or later.

At this point with your mum you need to take more of a 'parent' role. I know it's hard and can feel disrespectful but there comes a time where we as the caregivers just have to say "This is the way it is going to be" and let them react like a child would (tantrumming) until they just get over it. You won't be able to take care of your mother if you're run into the ground and emotionally exhausted.

So take your break. But whatever respite care you need into place. You deserve it and she will get used to it, I promise you.

Put. Not But

Why do you cook for her everyday? Can't you instead just cook an extra portion say tonight, and then pop it in the fridge in a container and bring it over to her the next day - it can just be reheated in the microwave. If she doesn't particularly fancy that food, tough luck, you are not an a la Carte restaurant service - she can either have what you're cooking already or else she can make alternative arrangements. This cannot go on - you have a baby, life is busy enough without having to cook two dinners every bloody day.

Also, tell her you're going on holiday. Do not cancel it.

Thinking of you. As parents get older, they have greater expectations of what you will do for them - my mum did, anyway! No grip on the realities of life. I haven't read the thread yet, I'll try later. You need a lot of help, contact social services. But I'm probably repeating what others have said so I'll stop now.

I agree with the sentiment of most posters. I think when your DH goes away you TELL her that either his sister comes to help her out OR she goes into a residential place for the 3/4 days.

Similarly if you decide to go on holiday you give her 2 or 3 options, let her choose and then do not cancel or cave.

Your DS is entitled to have some quality relaxing time with both his parents sometimes.

I agree with most of the other posters. My DM became very ill when I was 30 and I was suddenly expected to give up my whole life including my job (self employed so apparently didn't matter), despite my DF being there full time and plenty of money to pay for carers.

Before she became ill she would never have countenanced this situation and would have accused anyone putting their DC in this situation as selfish.

I guess the point I am trying to make is that illness can make people irrational or selfish and harsh as it may seem you have to make the time for yourself, DH and DS.

Your DM is lucky to have you doing so much and having her family close by, but she can't be allowed to manipulate your lives to this extent.

I can still remember the pain this caused me and how hard it was. I wish you all the best OP, you are a good person and are doing your best.