to be at the end of my tether re: my exH and our DDs weight/diet?

[livvielunch]

DD is 9 yo and weighs around 5 stone and is 118cm tall. She is overweight. Her dad has her EOW, once a week midweek and half of holidays. DD is very greedy; if there's food around, she'll eat it. I've discussed it with my exH before after she's come home talking of having eaten an entire family bag of doritos/malteasers. He thinks she's fine and tells her repeatedly how skinny she is

He took her to school this morning and so prepared her lunch, too. In her breakfast and lunch I'd say there was at least 35 spoons of sugar altogether. She already has two fillings and he has been asked to reduce sugar but still remains convinced that what he feeds her is fine. If I bring up her weight/diet with him, he says it must be my fault because she's here more but I have to restrict her a lot because of how much she's eating there. Aibu to feel utterly helpless here? She was absolutely down in the dumps after school and craving sugar to fix it.

Daft question probably but are you sure you have her height right?

I definitely have her height correct. I'm just under 5 foot tall and exH is only 5'4"; she is very short for her age. ExH doesn't agree she's overweight, he thinks bmi charts are rubbish He weighs over 16 stone so is obese, too.

Her moods are really worsening after contact and I'm sure sugar plays a part. I don't know where the comments about school dinners came from; dd won't have school dinners as she doesn't like other people preparing her food. I've had exH take her to the dentist and the dentist explained to him but it hasn't made any difference. I mentioned food when we were in court and he denied giving her anything unhealthy; the court pretty much told me I was trying to be too controlling and to get over it.

Before contact was so regular dd did 5 exercise activity groups per week but because she's moody after contact she won't go that week so they've all bar one dropped off. We go on bike rides, walk the dogs everyday and swim at weekends and she has loads of energy but does think the more she exercises the more she should eat.

It's really hard to broach without giving her a complex.

I think I remember you now.

If I remember rightly, your DD was doing an eye watering amount of exercise per week wasn't she? Including loads of time on a trampoline? But she was still overweight?

I'll again what many people said on that thread.

Doing that amount of exercise and spending such a relatively small amount of time being fed by her father, yet being overweight, probably means it's not just her dad that needs to help get this under control.

Although the pair of you do need to come up with a plan...that's difficult though if he won't listen to you.

But I don't see how he can be solely causing her weight problem.

*say again

It definitely sounds like his attitude is skewed. I'm 5' 4 and I used to be 16st. I was very large.

If he thinks that his lifestyle and weight is acceptable/normal, he'll think it's fine for his DD to do. If he has normalised his own size, seeing her slightly overweight frame will look slim to him.

It's really hard to broach without giving her a complex.

She will be made aware of her weight, not least by peers, but she will just see for herself how much chubbier than probably all of them she is very soon. So I'd broach it gently, but urgently before others do it for you. Many 9yos don't have the same politeness filter grown ups have and if she tells them she's skinny and eats what she wants a fair few will say "you are fat".

I remember your other threads about this. With the best will in the world you can't control what your DD eats when she is with her DF but there's absolutely no reason why you should have changed what you were doing to accommodate some mood swings. tbh this has been your DD's diet for a while so I'm very confused as to how it would cause such severe mood swings that you had to cancel her exercise classes for the rest of the week. Maybe she is just at a grumpy stage?

Make an appointment with your DD's GP and ask for advice and/or a referral to a dietician. Your ex is contributing to this problem but he can't be held solely responsible for your DD's weight when she spends most of her time outwith his responsibility. Tell the GP it's likely that you won't have your ex's support, and ask for advice on what you and your DD can do.

Whenever I read your threads, I worry that you have issues with food and with your ex, and that you then extrapolate out from there. You seem to blame everything on your DD's weekend diet and it's just not feasible that it's having that large an impact. I also think it would be good if someone else eg GP/ dietician had a chat with your DD if they think it's necessary. You have too many issues tied up around this. If your DD's weight gain is out of proportion with her calorie intake then she may have an underlying health issue. You need to take a few steps back and stop making this about a battle with your ex.

I agree Couch

The OP has started quite a few threads over the last couple of years about this.

Meanwhile the child is still overweight and neither parent seems to want to take responsibility.

I'm pretty sure the OP said there are no medical issues, but I too think a trip back to the doctor is in order. Particularly given the amount of exercise the DD was doing at one time, yet still remained overweight having eaten at her Dad's for a fairly small portion of any given month.

Worra yy exactly. It just doesn't make sense. The breakdown of meals seems to be:
breakfast (OP provides 4 and ex provides 3)
lunch (OP provides 4 and ex provides 3)
dinner (OP provides 4 and ex provides 3)
The OP should be able to off-set the unhealthy eating of the ex by a mix of meals and exercise; and if she can't work out how to do that then a dietician can help advise.

Meh and in fact those numbers are rubbish because contact is EOW so OP provides 11 meals to every 3 that her ex provides.

Second the dietician appointment, she will already take a good 3 or 4 years to grow into her current weight, that will not happen unless you take responsibility. She will probably hit puberty soon unless she already has. Overweight girls tend to go through puberty early and it makes the aim of no further weight gain at all even harder.

Is she generally happy and well-adjusted? Does she compensate with food if not?

DD won't have school dinners as she doesn't like other people preparing her food But you are the parent! If you sign her up for school lunch and don't give her a packed lunch, what do you think she is going to do about it? If she throws a strop the sorry, but you need to suck it up as its for her own good. If she refuses to eat it (which she probably won't as she eats so much) then that will reduce her calorie intake, so probably a good thing.

her moods are really worsening after contact and I'm sure sugar plays a part AFAIK all the research indicates it doesn't.

She thinks she is thin and that she needs to eat more due to the amount of exercise she does..... Then it's your and your XH's job to tell her otherwise. Tell her that her weight is unhealthy (obvs don't mention body image).

Put up a BMI chart in the house. Get her to draw herself on and draw on a goal weight.

Get her to keep a food & exercise diary with you and make a diet plan by calorie counting everything she eats with you.

But the OP should be able to manage her DD's calorie intake when she's at home so there's no need for charts and calorie counting. That's just going to lead to food issues because her DD is going to be feeling deprived at home and then binge at her DF's.

All OP has to do is provide healthy meals in the right portion sizes and if she doesn't know how to do then she asks a dietician for a menu plan. The less fanfare and drama around all this, the better it will be for her DD. Anything else turns it into something where eating becomes taking sides between her parents.

Livvie these two statements of yours:

DD is very greedy; if there's food around, she'll eat it.

and

dd won't have school dinners as she doesn't like other people preparing her food.

completely contradict each other.

APlaceOnTheCouch

But if her exH is feeding DD so much then OP giving normal meals may not be enough of a reduction.

Also, I think doing the charts and plans is an important part of re educating her daughter about healthy eating.

The OP will have to take into account the increased calorie intake EOW. tbc I'm not saying the OP shouldn't calorie count or meal plan for her DD. I'm saying that somehow both parents have turned food into a battleground. The DD will feel she is taking her mum's side if she has to buy into calorie counting. If the OP controls her DD's diet then she will pick up healthy eating habits as she only sees her DF EOW.

When the DD is a little older and all the drama around eating and her parents has died down, maybe then the OP can talk to her about calories, etc, but I just think OP's repeated threads about this show she probably is not best placed to try to pass on a healthy attitude to food.

I can see how it is hard to take dad's overfeeding into account, but surely mum must be overfeeding at least a bit? 5st at 118cm is not just a little chubby, it is morbidly obese, does that really happen from EOW and Wednesday dinner?

A typical day at home:

Breakfast: porridge
snack: banana
lunch: small chicken wrap, 4 salad items, grapes
Snack: cheese and bread sticks
dinner: 4 meatballs and a handful of pasta

A typical day there:

Breakfast : 3 cereal bars
snack: 2 bags yoghurt coated raisins
lunch: 2 ham sandwiches on 4 slices white bread, packet of crisps, pouch of yoghurt, two mini battenburg cakes, carton of Ribena
snack: chips and milkshake
dinner: half a full pie and mash
Pudding: quarter of a cheesecake
supper: hot chocolate, toast and biscuits

I don't see how I can restrict her anymore

If that is all you feed her she must be eating secretly somewhere to get to this weight. Does he bring her school lunches? Days at his sound like big feast days but a physically super-active child like yours should still burn quite a bit of that off.

that's several days worth of food portions.

no wonder ot still has such an effect EOW she's eating a weeks food in that weekend

How do you know in detail what she is eating?

That can't be all she is eating at yours? As she's hardly at ex home in comparison to make her that large

Ds is 118cm. He is 5, and weighs 20kg. Your daughter is almost double!

Have you had her checked at the doctors? I'm also 5'4, but like I say Ds already that height at 5 years

I know that something needs to be done, but I'm not sure that putting a 9yr olds BMI up on the wall and having a weight loss target is really a good long term way to go, sounds more like a complete recipe for long term eating disorder.
I would say it's perfectly possible for the DD to be putting on a lot of weight if the DF is significantly overfeeding her. It only takes 3500 extra calories to put on a pound so if the DD is getting 1000 extra calories per week then thats a stone a year.
Worth going to the doctor to get some professional advice, he/she might also be able to talk to DD about her weight in an age appropriate fashion.

I also think she might somehow be eating in secret.

In the past you said that exercise wise, she was doing half an hour on the trampoline before school, scooting/biking/walking 2 miles to school, did a sporting activity four times per week, plus the walk home from school and between 1-2.5 hours trampolining every evening - not to mention 4 hours swimming at the weekend and miles of walking your dogs.

Yet she was still overweight, despite only eating around 7 or 8 meals a fortnight with her Dad, and all the rest with you.

Think about it. Even if her Dad is overfeeding her EOW and once midweek after school, that's a shit load of exercise and it really should have shifted her weight.

OP, if DD is used to eating what you list above at your house and if it fills her up, wouldn't she be sick from eating so much at her dad's? It really is a huge difference......
Alternatively, could it be that she is hungry at yours and sneaks food out of the kitchen? Does she ever eat her siblings food?
What sort of weight are her sisters?