To expect EXDH to pick up and drop off my son from my house

[TwoTooManyKidz]

Ex DH keeps arguing with me about my DS(13) saying I should drop him off at EXDH's house and he should drop him back at my house.

Apparently this is really unreasonable. Aibu?

[Orda1]

I'm so confused. The buses take 80+30 mins but the fuel is less than £1?!

[summerainbow]

Just let 13 year old take the bus . If breaks down it up to dad to get him . If dad does not get him then 13 year old does not get bus again. End off

[TwoTooManyKidz]

orda1 the bus goes a really long route around all the villages and local towns so it costs a lot more than paying fuel and EXDH gets a discount from his work.

summerainbow I would let him get the bus as its my only option however he refuses and says he is too worried something would happen to him. I have offered to go on the first bus with him but he still refuses as he doesn't know many of the towns or villages v well.

[AutumnLeavesArePretty]

How can it take 90 mins on a bus but use such a tiny amount of petrol in the car.

If your ex left you the car it's very petty to refuse any travel.

The children are both of yours, not just his to ferry round as you put it.

[TwoTooManyKidz]

itsmine yes, he is being an arse and is saying I am totally unreasonable despite not having a car, not having the sheer amount the bus costs, not having the time the bus takes or having the willpower to spend over 6 hours of my weekend on a fucking bus

Really wish DF would step up to the game and do what he has to do to ensure a relationship with his son.

[TwoTooManyKidz]

autumnleavesarepretty we didn't have a car in the first place as we live in the town centre surrounded by all the shops and anything we need.

The journey in the car only takes 30 minutes and is 15 miles, and with EXDH's discount it's miles cheaper than the bus, as my pp explained.

[Gwenhwyfar]

I can't contribute to the discussion on childcare, but the bus thing makes sense if you don't live in a big city. A journey can be a few miles by car, but many more by bus if there are no direct buses between the two places.

[RandomMess]

TBH I think your ex is just trying to control you.

I wouldn't discuss it with him anymore and say no, I do the bulk of all child related travel and costs so either come and collect/drop or don't see your DS your choice.

[giantpurplepeopleeater]

So let me get this straight:

Your exH moved away when you split - approx 15 miles.
For him to get to you, he could drive in his car, which would take 30 mins and not cost a lot as his petrol is subsidised.
He wants you to drop DS off which would take you 90 mins or more and cost £10 for a return journey
Your DS won't do the bus on his own

Is that all right?

On the face of it, it's not unreasonable for an NRP to want to have pick up and drop offs shared. But given your circumstances it's totally illogical and not really workable.

Given all that I think YANBU

Also, the fact that you have offered to pay towards petrol and your exH has refused kind of puts him in the unreasonable camp if you ask me. You've offered a compromise to minimise impact on him, but he's only concentrating on what he wants.

[Rainbunny]

In a strictly equitable way it is reasonable for you both to share the pickup/dropoff duties equally but in a real world way your ex is being an arse and probably wants to inconvenience you as much as possible. Threatening to cutoff contact with his son if you don't start picking him up is awful! Your poor ds (and you poor dd!). I hope he doesn't realise how little his father seems to care about him. If I was in the father's shoes I would cherish the opportunity to share a car ride with my ds at the end of a weekend together.

[Micah]

Dh's ex always insisted on dropping them off at his mums (where he was living after she asked him to leave temporarily while she had some "space").

Turns out it was because she moved om in the day she kicked him out, and didnt want anyone near the house in case they found out.

[GColdtimer]

He is being an arse. How much do you do for your DC and how much does he?? And he can't be arsed to pick him up.

And how awful for your poor DD.

YANBU at all.

[CalleighDoodle]

Your ex is being an arse. Check he is giving right amount, £100 is incredibly low!, if not contact the relevant people to have it taken from him.

He hates his daughter? Thats not aomeone i would want near my son. I would not be facilitating contact.

[MsColouring]

He sounds like a twat!

[DionChappie]

My ex only lived ten minutes away, saw his son a couple of hours a month (reduced from half the week at his direction) and got a solicitor to write to me telling me I was being unreasonable not to do drop off and pick up for every visit. I was selfish because it would mean less time spent with his son. I shit you not! The irony was completely lost on this man. Ds now gets the bus. Sadly him and his wife ensure ds feels sufficiently unwelcome for him to no longer want to spend even the measly couple of hours a month there. He doesn't even get an invite for Xmas. The man and his wife are beacons of humanity. (I'm not bitter).

[LizzieMacQueen]

Can you get your son to do the first bus journey at least - so his dad can pick up from the bus stop and not have to drive all the way to yours and back.

That allows your son a bit of independence and looks like you're compromising a wee bit to your ExH.

[BarbarianMum]

In principle, I'd say it is fair to split travel. In your position I'd say "no". If he argues, tell him you can't afford to run a car. If he won't see your son unless you do half the travel he's obviously not that bothered about seeing him

[HackAttack]

:) Needascarf

OP after the predictable drip feed, it is clear your ex doing the pick up/drop off is better for your child. Tell him that is the only option, if he cares about his child, he will do it.

[pocketsaviour]

Is your son's reluctance to get the bus actually a way for him to express his ambivalence about seeing his dad?